Friends DC eating so much crap all the time

[letsmargaritatime]

Not just one friend, every friend. Plus my siblings, well that is how it feels. I posted before about my overweight dd (I can't work out how to link to it) and had some advice on here which I have been trying to follow. But this half term has been like every other school holiday, every occasion and meet up has to involve loads of food, and every friend I meet up with seems to constantly ask their dc if they are hungry (surely they would fucking say if they are at ten years old, why ask?!) And producing snacks all the time. Even the snacks that aren't so bad are still calorific (home-made banana bread, flapjacks etc) I'm so fed up with it

Nobody gets it, and they don't give a shit because their kids are skinny. And say unhelpful things like "oh she will grow into her weight" I know I'm being unkind to my friends but I just don't understand why dc can't get together and play without bags of sweets, packets of crisps, popcorn, chocolate buttons, fruit shoots, and I can't single out my dd and her not to be the one to have it. I have literally no other friends who have overweight dc and posting here hoping people in a similar situation will get how I feel

Worst of all was friend saying that if I stop overthinking it, it wouldn't be a problem. So basically if I let her eat whatever she wants the weight will fall off 😡

Yes to both. She loves the trampoline, gave up gymnastics last year due to unpleasant comments. Club came down hard on the girls but damage had been done.

I know how you feel my dd (8) has a physical disability so despite daily physio, gymnastics, dancing, swimming, football at school and hockey at school she is still very overweight. I'm very strict about food when it's just us but I can't make her feel even more different when we are with others. Her best friend is very slim but she eats constantly so when she comes to play it is a constant stream of fruit, crisps, lunch, more fruit, a treat and everything else in my kitchen. It's so tough and makes me feel totally inadequate but I'm seriously doing my best.

Honestly, she's obese and you can't say no and she won't say no...

It's time to toughen up a bit!

Your friends are mad! My DC would be lucky to get anything other than a disbelieving hard stare if they thought they needed a snack after a lunch out - Doritos & popcorn is madness.

Like muesemum I have a very skinny boy who really needs to put on some weight or a stone, he has a friend who could possibly tend to head the other way, so if ds gets "starving" I give him snack and tell ds to eat it discretely, his friend's mum is absolutely fine with this and agrees that my ds obviously needs it, but hers doesn't.

Have you been honest with other parents?

Also lead by example and when you have play dates, have fruit, crackers, dips etc rather than chocolate and crisps?

Boatsnack it sounds like you are doing an amazing job DD also has a very slim best friend, I've seen her packed lunches and I'm not kidding there must be over a thousand calories in that box. Every time she is playing out she has a kit Kat in her hand. She's very fussy and will only eat pizza, processed food like kievs etc (her mum tells me with a big sigh) I just don't get it

My son gets very hyper with too much sugar and he doesn't ever have juice. It's tough but we just have to say no thank you. We don't need it, we have our own snacks and water. I know it's easier because he is younger but I guess it's just habit. So if other kids are eating sweets, I let him have one (because they are not yours ) and give him an apple or rice cake or whatever.

Eating well at home and not bothering about what your kids eat out of the house might work if you don't eat with others often or if they eat relatively sensibly. But what the op describes in snacks has got to be near a child's daily calorie intake alone. If a child is eating that on top of normal meals regularly it's going to be a problem.

I forgot to say, your DD is a normal 11yo & that's a GOOD thing. 11 yo's should not be encouraged to focus on their weight, especially when out with friends. Drawing attention to it would be nasty, I'm glad you see that 😊

I can see why you thought meeting for a decent lunch first might be the way forward. It's just a pity it wasn't. Not your fault for trying that though.

As for your 'friends', they don't seem to care much 😔 My friends DD is overweight & I am very wary of offering snacks & if I do they're healthy. The kids all enjoy them, they don't even notice they're 'healthy snacks', let alone comment. I'd no sooner offer crap to a child whose parent was worried about their weight, than I would to an adult I knew was on a strict diet. It's just selfish & nasty. Maybe you'd benefit from some other friends too?

I think OP is getting very hard time here. She is trying to encourage her daughter to eat healthily - and I agree that some parents are forever offering snacks when they're not actually needed. I have two very slender kids. That's not my good parenting - they're just lucky. However, the older one is probably about to hit puberty and he has started to fill out a bit - so I am keeping a subtle eye on what gets eaten and have bought them a trampoline after years of saying no due to paranoia about neck/head injuries, in the hopes that they'll bounce all summer long! Ultimately you can't police what other parents are offering as snacks (and I am as guilty as anyone of thinking, oh, the sun's out, let's have an ice cream at the end of our bike ride) but I completely understand the frustration of not being able to let your DD have what other kids take for granted.

OP you are doing your best. I also think you maybe need to go down the health route with your DD i.e. you're not not letting her have x because she's overweight but because it's not healthy. Even skinny kids eating piles and piles of rubbish isn't healthy even if they're slim!

I do this with my DD- she's properly into 2 sports and trains regularly as well as stuff at school and try and go down the route of eating x won't help you in x sport but this will, also healthy food doesn't have to be all veg and fruit, I try and find more interesting snacks...

She has eaten too much rubbish this half term but I'm ok with that because like I say she's not overweight and I'm keeping a close eye and she's doing loads of sport... but I'm aware it could carry on and become a slippery slope.

Is there another gymnastic group she could join? Swimming? Has she been checked by a GP for anything underlying health wise?

Disclaimer: I am as old as the hills. Recently I've been taking my grandkids out while their mum does other stuff and I have been amazed at the amount of food their peers get through - massive amounts of snacks followed up by lunches etc. I took the kids to a craft session that lasted for 1.5 hours, from 10.00am until 11.30am and there was a break with snacks offered during this - I couldn't believe it. And I'm sorry for doing this, but when my kids were little, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth, they were lucky to get a custard cream after school.

I understand op. I'm having a similar situation with dd 5 who has become overweight in recent months. She has no self control yet and has a big appetite. Her friends are skinny and eat lots of treat food. Today at the playcentre they were eating chocolate bars before lunch. I wouldn't let dd have one but I know when I'm not around she'd eat loads. I know it's not the problem of the other parents and I'd never ask them to change their behaviour. It's so tricky.

Thanks early, biscuits and Annie for your supportive posts. It has really helped having a vent on here, I can't talk to DH about it tonight because if dd overheard she'd be mortified. I know some posters think I need to toughen up. Maybe in theory, but I can't add to my dds hurt by drawing attention to it. I'd rather give up the meet ups than that.

I think there's an obsession with kids snacking in this country. I agree with you op, it is hard to always be saying no when it's food and down to your child's size. You obviously are trying to be sensitive and not give her a complex or disordered eating.

However, you're going to need to spin it in a 'healthy' way rather than a weight or fatness one. 'No dd, remember you had that biscuit earlier, you don't need that ice cream now' and repeat. Phrases like 'you had enough at lunchtime' or 'we're about to have dinner so wait until then' and it'll soon become the norm. It's harder right now because you're used to letting her and she's used to having them. Reinforce the idea of eating for hunger, and feeling hungry being an OK feeling, waiting until a meal is fine- it's almost better if you're hungry. 'Good! It's dinner time soon, I'm glad you're hungry!'

Being overweight is much more to do with diet than exercise though obviously moving more AND eating less is the best plan.

'That's up to x's Mum' just like any other rules between different families. Yes it's hard when it's just your dd but you never know, some others might follow your example and if they don't they don't but this habit needs breaking now.

excited101 exactly. I do what you have suggested with my DD too.

I'd probably still have to provide snacks as, one of my children in particular, needs to eat frequently or we get 'hanger' issues. But I'd try to keep them as healthy as possible. Why wouldn't I? It shouldn't make my life much harder but it could make your life, and your daughter's a bit easier? Isn't that what friends do?

This ^

Nice friends would remember that everyone having healthy snack would help your DD enjoy her day and bring them instead of the junk when they are meeting you.

I had a friend whose DD had to eat gluten free so I always made sure that everything I brought was gluten free so she didn't feel left out for once.

I also had a friend who would stuff unhealthy crap down her children every 20 minutes all morning then get stupidly stressed out when they wouldn't sit and eat the huge lunches she bought them.

Yes, your DD does need to learn to make healthier choices and develop good eating habits but, if you can make a nice trip out pleasant for all the children, why wouldn't you?

I don't think yabu. I completely agree about snacks on days out. I accept that kids might need a snack but surely something mid morning and mid afternoon is enough?

I've got two children, one of which has no 'off' switch when it comes to food and at 4 could easily become overweight. His 6 year old brother is super skinny. I try to bulk out the little one's meals with extra veg.

They don't pester for snacks because we have set snack times and accept 'no' on the basis of 'just had lunch' or 'will be dinner time soon'. I would much rather they fill up proper food than snacks throughout the day.

It is also bad for their teeth to snack all day.

In other counties it's not usual to snack all day long so I just wish we didn't in the UK and it was the norm to just have 'snacktime'. I've got a friend that cracks open the snacks on play dates straight after the school run and they flow all morning, but her ds then doesn't eat lunch, mine would eat all the snacks and then expect a full lunch too.

It's so tricky and I feel your pain OP. Also, when everyone else's kids are eating crap and you say yours can't, you look like a judgemental arse by stopping your children do the same. I have overcome this hurdle but still cringe when I say mine have to wait for a snack.

If I had a friend with an overweight child and knew she was trying to work on it, then no, I certainly wouldn't be bringing out the Malteasers and crisps at a meet up, I'd respect my friend's situation and rein in, because you know, it's completely normal to support your friends and I wouldn't want to have any child singled out. Can always do the sweets thing on other days. Your friends are a bit shite.

YANBU at all. I have a very skinny (but healthy) child and I still don't want her eating all the crap some of her friends are fed. It's not only about weight. It's also about teeth and health! If my kid is hungry then, as a skinny kid she is welcome to something calorific if she wants it. But that would be cheese or something, not endless sweets and biscuits.

I would try to increase activity as much as possible. Anything under an hour me and my 2 walk. We take stairs rather than using lifts. We go on bike rides/walks for fun.
A lot of people think their kids are active because they do a few sports clubs but the actual amount of time they spend exercising in a half hour club is minimal with all the instruction breaks (that's not to say they aren't great for learning new skills). Ditto things like going swimming - are you actually swimming and exercising for most of the time or splashing/bobbing about in the water?
I didn't catch how old your dd is but I think a play centres are a fun way to get exercise in. Kids are generally running/climbing for the majority of the time for a couple of hours without even thinking it's exercise.

Gins I agree things have really changed! When we were kids I remember playing out and coming in for tea and having that deep belly hunger, a real rumbling tum, and wolfing my food down with my mum telling me to chew properly. I don't think my children know that feeling.

Also, one last thing, my DD snacks more out of boredom than anything else. She is not very good at doing nothing and would prefer to be out and about. Tonight she stayed up late as it's half term, and despite having the following for dinner: 1/2 salmon fillet, 2 new potatoes, big pile of broccoli and green beans followed by half a mango for dessert, she's eaten the following snacks:

A frozen frube yogurt
4 plain water crackers with a bit of spread
A couple of sweets from her 'treat box'
Low fat hummus with mini chicken satays
A small (from multipack) packet of hula hoops
A glass of skimmed milk

!!!! I'm not at all sure she needed all that but she claimed she was starving! we've had more treats in the house than usual this week as it's half term and so we've done more picnics/treats with friend etc.

Little shits at gymnastics 😡

Can you try a different club? If not, does she watch YouTube gymnasts? The girls are all mad for it at the moment. Annie Le Blanc is a favourite. They (her school friends) are all learning new moves, helping each other & posting their videos. It's really quite sweet. The 11yo wouldn't go to a club because she felt nervous that she'd be older than the others in the grade she was put in because 'everyone else started when they were little' but she's worked very hard to learn things and now feels she might get in a grade of girls around her age (unless someone gifts us an 8th day each week I'm not sure how we will fit it in 😖 ).

We also go to the local trampoline park where they spend two hours racing around and come out dripping wet. Climbing wall too.

It's good she's not out of breath cycling & swimming, at least she can enjoy being active 😊

What tests have they done to make sure her body is all in working order? You have 4 kids, she's the only one overweight, so I'd want to get that checked out thoroughly. You'll need to pick your GP though, some are very glib whilst others are brilliant.

I think you're expecting your child is more important in other people's lives than she is. They don't really care, they're getting on with their own thing. Why should they change their lifestyle because your family has different pressures?