Friends DC eating so much crap all the time

[letsmargaritatime]

Not just one friend, every friend. Plus my siblings, well that is how it feels. I posted before about my overweight dd (I can't work out how to link to it) and had some advice on here which I have been trying to follow. But this half term has been like every other school holiday, every occasion and meet up has to involve loads of food, and every friend I meet up with seems to constantly ask their dc if they are hungry (surely they would fucking say if they are at ten years old, why ask?!) And producing snacks all the time. Even the snacks that aren't so bad are still calorific (home-made banana bread, flapjacks etc) I'm so fed up with it

Nobody gets it, and they don't give a shit because their kids are skinny. And say unhelpful things like "oh she will grow into her weight" I know I'm being unkind to my friends but I just don't understand why dc can't get together and play without bags of sweets, packets of crisps, popcorn, chocolate buttons, fruit shoots, and I can't single out my dd and her not to be the one to have it. I have literally no other friends who have overweight dc and posting here hoping people in a similar situation will get how I feel

Worst of all was friend saying that if I stop overthinking it, it wouldn't be a problem. So basically if I let her eat whatever she wants the weight will fall off 😡

YABU

Part of dealing with weight issues is learning not to eat every time someone else does!

Your friends DCs might have lots of calories in the afternoon when you meet them - but then not eat many calories in the evening/be light dinner people - if you feel you always have to eat when ever anyone else is eating then that's a "food issue"

My kids are big BIG lunch eaters and I'll put a lot on front of them at lunch time as I know that they barely pick at dinner. If you came for lunch there'ld be a lot on offer - it's up to you/your DCs to decline and/or just eat what you need!

Your friend's children will be skinny until puberty and then some of them will become chubby if their parents haven't given them good habits. It is frustrating. One of our children cannot eat refined sugar for medical reasons and other parents, the school etc are constantly stuffing sugar, sweets, cakes, ice cream etc on to them. Its crazy...

The food when we are out is generally given out to all the kids present, I have tried to subtly talk to my friends but one went to give dd a cake then said "oh" and looked at me for approval, dd shot me a filthy look and my friend wasn't being malicious but it was so cringe

You won't EVER be able to control what those around you do

You need to learn how to say no without it being uncomfortable for you… then you can teach your daughter to do the same

if you can't teach her that now it's going to get worse as the years go on and friends are into Monster drinks and worse

She's had weetabix for breakfast, lunch out (kids meal at brewers fayre where we met my friends), dinner tonight was salmon, potatoes and baby veg. In addition to this, despite all the kids getting a pudding at brewers fayre, they were handed a family size bag of Doritos, big piece of flapjack, Maltesers (to share) and packets of popcorn. I honestly don't know how I can single her out, could the other people suggesting that actually do it? If she had an allergy that would be a reason, but stopping her because if her weight will make her feel so self conscious, I know I would if I was overweight and someone suggested I eat something different, or less if what the skinny people were having

Its good you're doing what you're doing for your DD but I think YABU about how your friends feed their children, you cant avoid all scenarios just because your DD can't have/do what others are doing. Its not unsupportive, its just not a concern for them.
Like any meet up with friends there will be different parenting values re: screen time, snacks etc as to whats deemed acceptable to you all and you just have to stick by your choices and respect each others. I'm often the 'bad guy' with DS, as due to a longterm health condition he can't do what some of his friends can (harder to explain when he was younger) but he just has to suck it up in order to see his friends, its frustrating and tough for him but the pleasure outweighs the pain iyswim. Good luck btw!

I honestly don't know how I can single her out, could the other people suggesting that actually do it?

"no thank you, we're still full from lunch aren't we DD"

HTH.

She's 11 and very sporty, she's never out of breath when she's cycling or swimming and has great stamina, but she's clearly overweight, bmi says obese and wearing clothes for much older children.

Yanbu. I agree there is too much snacking these days. Kids don't need fed all the time. Even if they can run off the calories it's still bad for their teeth.

no thank you, we're still full from lunch aren't we DD" HTH

"Yes mum, I don't want any popcorn or chocolate"

Said no 11-year-old ever

The only thing I can suggest is meeting up with friends a bit less often. Maybe get your dd into some kind of activity day camp during some of the school holidays if that's an option. If not lots of family outings that include exercise and healthy foods. That way the odd meet up like the one you mention today won't be such a problem.

YANBU. I get the impression you just wanted to vent a little. Nothing wrong with that.
I also think your friend's are being insensitive and unhelpful and, well, not great friends. If I'm out with friends and their children, I try to make sure my kids don't have snacks/food others aren't allowed or are allergic too. In the case of multiple allergies, this can be tricky and I don't always manage it but I try (and always manage it if an allergy is severe). Most of my friends do this.

I'd do the same for a friend in your situation too. I'd probably still have to provide snacks as, one of my children in particular, needs to eat frequently or we get 'hanger' issues. But I'd try to keep them as healthy as possible. Why wouldn't I? It shouldn't make my life much harder but it could make your life, and your daughter's a bit easier? Isn't that what friends do?

I really don't get this attitude of 'I'll continue to do things with my child my way regardless of the impact on anyone else or of how easy it would be to be flexible'. I'm trying to raise my kids with more empathy and understanding than that.

Gosh, OP is having a pretty hard time here. If I had a friend who had genuine concerns about her child's weight, I'd do what I could to support her.

I think your friends are being rather insensitive.

"Yes mum, I don't want any popcorn or chocolate"

Said no 11-year-old eve

There's your problem then!
If you think it's unreasonable for her to ever say no if others are doing it, she's in for a lot more problems than just weight!

There's lots you can say, like "we have a big dinner planned" etc.. but clearly you don't actually want suggestions of how to decline food, you just want all temptation taken out of her path! YABsoU! and doing her no favours!

I don't think you can single her out tbh. Is it just a half term thing or is it all the time? If it's just half term I'd just let her eat what the others are but if it's all the time then I'd try not to spend so much time with the people who feed lots of crap.
Just because the kids are skinny doesn't mean they're healthy. The parents I know who feed heir kids endless sweets/biscuits have very fussy kids who won't eat proper meals and basically just survive on the treats.

Spot on JJ I am just needing a vent after this week! Will definitely not arrange so many meet ups in the summer. And thanks to all the posters for your advice, even the tough ones.

How much of her actual day is spent with these people? If she has breakfast at home, lunch at school and supper at home, they are only going to be impacting for a few hours at most.
Maybe focus on harm reduction rather than an outright ban.
Perhaps talk with her about balancing out the calories, so that if she has snacks with them after school, smaller portions at supper?

And yes you could say no but how miserable to be the only one left out every time. I'd rather spend more time with parents/kids who have a normal diet.

If you think it's unreasonable for her to ever say no if others are doing it, she's in for a lot more problems than just weight!

There's lots you can say, like "we have a big dinner planned" etc.. but clearly you don't actually want suggestions of how to decline food, you just want all temptation taken out of her path! YABsoU! and doing her no favours!

Maybe OP can worry about this after her daughter is no longer obese?

Tinsel I can do tough love at home. But I do find it hard in this scenario I admit. If it was an allergy or something I could do it, or I could say no you cannot ride your bike, you don't have your helmet, it's not safe. And no amount of crying and pleading would change my mind. But because she's overweight, and it's obvious she's overweight, it would be so obvious why she is being treated differently from the other kids and I just couldn't do it. If that makes me crap I'm crap.

Ah OP you're not unreasonable to be about it, but by your own admission you met up at a pub restaurant, so the meet-up was already food-focused from the get go.

Swimming, cycle ride - something where food is harder to get in!

YANBU OP. People who've never struggled with their weight genuinely can't comprehend that people have different metabolisms and can't eat the same way as other people can - and sometimes that happens from childhood, as seems to be the case with your DD (given your other children are slim).

It's very hard for your DD and it sounds like you're doing your best to encourage her to eat healthily without giving her a complex or restricting her unduly. Try to remember that a few treats might slow her progress but they won't do her substantial harm. Everything in moderation, including treats. But I would like to think that close friends would understand if you had a quiet word, and offer fruit or raw veg as snacks? I certainly would if I were your friend.

I agree squirrels and going to the restaurant was my idea too, I thought if the kids had eaten out then the parents wouldn't bring snacks! Wrong

I think the 80/20 rule applies. Eat well at home (80%), eat what friends are eating (2O) & you'll get there. All you need to do is maintain her weight & she'll grow into it.

Try not to worry 💐 One of the 11 yo's friends has always been 'a big kid'. Overweight but not really 'fat', just built like a brick out house! In the past term she's grown tons & is now very average. She's discovered she has ribs & hip bones 😂😊

Do you have a trampoline? Is she interested in gymnastics?

Thank you peach, I feel like somehow it must be my fault and I am so worried about getting the balance right between not allowing her weight to get any more out of control and not giving her a complex. It breaks my heart when kids at school say cruel things.

Can you go down the healthy route? As in vitamins, minerals etc. and why are you feeding your children empty sugar rush calories instead of healthy nutritious food? Type thing. May make you rather unpopular but you'd be right as in thinking long term health rather than just weight loss.