Should I take this further or is this normal child behaviour?

[SomethingsUpWithWilfred]

DD is an only child and is 6 years old; she has always been highly strung but I'm beginning to think there's something not "right" more and more.

I've spoken to school who said they can't see any issues with her so I'm wondering whether it's my parenting

I have a GP appointment in 2 days for DD , after I called in tears because I feel so out of my depth .

Please be brutally honest - could this be just "bad" behaviour or would you say this isn't normal ? Examples:

DD doesn't like to go out anywhere spontaneously - suggestion of soft play / park etc on a whim are all met with tantrums and refusal to go .
I often don't bother going out as its not worth the stress .

If I tell her in advance we are going to X in Y amount of days she will be happy - but sometimes when it comes to actually doing it she doesn't want to go - and tantrums.

She seems very sensitive to loud noises , low sounds and textures such as jeans - resulting in a refusal to wear certain clothes - this is a daily battle and is wearing me out.

She hates socks and underwear.

She is very emotional - usually either very upset or very angry - glimpses of joy seem very over the top , almost fake .

She has lots of friends and can be sociable but I've noticed more lately that as more children join the group to play , she quietens down - she will play but isn't loud like the others .

She is very rude / cheeky and no amount of sanctions seem to resolve it .

She lashes out - again no amount of sanctions resolve this .

She becomes very attached to things like sticks , bits of rubbish etc

She constantly ignores me when I ask her to do the most basic of things or will have a tantrum

She's very close to her cousin who comes to play a few times a week but DD has a very hard time sharing - she refuses to allow her cousin to touch her things and can lash out

She needs to have "revenge" - if her cousin accidentally hurts her , she hits her twice as hard even though we explain it was an accident , she just keeps repeating "she did it to me !"

I could go on and on but I'll try to keep it as brief as I can

I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do .

School say she doesn't display these behaviours there . When I ask DD why she doesn't act like this at school , she says it's because she doesn't want to lose her friends .

So could it be my parenting ?

I really need to do something as this is happening every day and I feel my patience running low .

Opinions please ?

Be brutal but gentle as I'm feeling very fragile

This describes my DD who is now nearly 12.
I always knew she was a little different.
I didn't bother to go down the diagnosis route myself as I could cope ok with her, she did try lots of different schools but didn't fit in very well (her words) and would get anxious about going but the teachers all said she was very well behaved, bright etc.
She became home educated at age 8 as I couldn't handle the anxiety it was causing and she's absolutely happy being at home and in charge of her own learning as it were.
Anyway, last year she came across something on the internet about girls with Asperger's and came to me very excited (she never really gets excited!) and said how it's was her. She could relate totally to how the blogger was feeling and did a bit more research herself and together we decided to go to the GP for a referral.
She's had the assessments (ed psych, SALT, paed) and we are now waiting for the results. All along the Drs have said unofficially they think she does have ASD so we shall see.
Anyway, good luck. PM me if you'd like to chat.

I'm considering ringing the GP tomorrow and asking for an emergency appointment .

my lovely friend talks about her son with ASD and says when he has a melt down it is helpful to think if it as a panic attack, not misbehaviour or temper.

When you start from that perspective it is easier to work out what will help and what she needs.

All the traits of SPD (sensory processing disorder) which my son has. She definitely displays sensory issues. Occupational therapy might help her with some of her anxiety issues, and there's things you can do to help with sensitivity to clothes - to children with sensory processing issues can be oversensitive to touch and struggle with the feel of certain fabrics. Contact your GP. I've been in touch with an amazing Paediatric ccupational Therapist and Advanced Practitioner in Sensory Integration and she has given me a lot of insight and strategies to help in certain situations . My son also displays signs of ADHD but has not been properly diagnosed yet. It's really tough on a parent so I can sympathise how difficult these behaviours can be and impact it has on family life. Good luck xx

It sounds to me like it's a bit of both, some of her behaviour as pp has said is quite normal especially for an only child, but she does seem to have a lot of issues. Have you tried any parenting books like 1,2,3 magic, something like that might help with the normal 6 year old bad behaviour and then you can work out what's not normal 6 year old behaviour.

My daughter refused to wear jeans until she was 14, hated socks, tights, having her hair brushed, woolly jumpers etc etc she's now grown into a strong willed determined young woman.

Yy to 123 magic ; I use it here and have been for a long time but it still results in a tantrum .

Will your GP be open tomorrow- if so, given what you have posted then yes ask to be seen ASAP.
I have a DD with ASD and a friend with a child with anxiety - some of their behaviours look a little similar but my friends child has had great support in managing his fears (it's been a lot harder to get support for my DD).

Whatever the causes you need support.

You are doing your best, please don't blame yourself. It's tough looking after a child with additional needs, whatever they might be.

Something I won't repeat what's been said already, I'm another autistic woman diagnosed as an adult, and I hope that you get taken seriously and that dd gets referred for assessment

A couple of good resources I would highly recommend are the book 'The Explosive Child' and the associated website 'Lives in the balance' plus the book 'The Out of Sync Child'. I think together these would be a good start in helping you support dd while you wait for assessment.

I'm considering ringing the GP tomorrow and asking for an emergency appointment

Do it. The sooner you get the ball rolling, the sooner you can get some answers.

Our GP runs a Saturday morning clinic . I'll have to sit and wait but frankly I need some answers so I think I'll brave it .

Oh and the reason why often lots of SPD kids don't display symptoms at school is because of the anxiety of peer pressure/in a setting of authority they hold it all in. My son is shy and quite reserved at school - totally opposite of how he is at home whilst in his comfort zone.

OP it does sound like the GP is the right route.

On the parenting side, have you look at any of Dr Lisa Markhams stuff? Her website is Ahaparenting.com and her book is Calm Parenting, Peaceful Kids.

I've read loads of parenting books and I really think hers is the best. She's a child psychologist so is excellent at setting our what is driving behaviours and then offers techniques to deal with that.

She has an excellent approach for tantrums which was very effective for DD. It's for the toddler tantrum phase, but might be worth reading up on. My DD is approaching four and though she grant rums less I still use the approach if she is having a hard time. The basic idea is that they are in crisis and are overwhelmed but their emotions. Your help them process them by staying calm and describing exactly what you see without any judgement or suggestion. And offering your comfort to calm down when they're ready.

The idea is that, over time, they start to learn to observe and label and process their own emotions which is the road to true control (rather than suppression, which the punishment route can bring).

I'm not suggesting this instead of the GP. It sounds like you're doing a good job in tough circumstances and that professional assessment is the right approach.

But if your DD does have, say, some processing issues which make her emotions more intense / perhaps make it harder for her to work out cause and affect (eg not learning the lesson of sanctions), then some thoughtful techniques might help you to help her to cope better while you go down the assessment route.

My last question to you is: what would happen if you allowed some flexibility? Eg I can understand the frustration of having to stop her game on the iPad when it was nearly but not at a good point. If that was genuine, and the time to finish was short, perhaps you could have let her finish?

Obviously an inch can turn into a mile, but I try to approach my kids reasonably, agree to sensible requests of another five mins where possible, reining it back in immediately if I feel they are taking advantage (and telling them why)

"I know , I know it's a snapshot etc and you can't all review my parenting , it just feels such a relief that there are "others " out there who recognise this behaviour ."

You are manifestly not a shit parent and yes this warrants a trip to the GP. I am among those who recognise it.

most of the expert advice and training is written for kids with autism so my advice is to use that advice/those groups/that support network whether or not she ends up with that diagnosis.

The sensory issues are often considered the "deepest" issue. Some kids outgrow them but there can be a lifelong legacy of anxiety.

Her way of understanding what people say may be a bit "tilted" by the way. She may come top in English yet not "get the message".

Good luck x

You've just described my DS. School also said he was fine. He was diagnosed with Aspergers 3 years ago.

You're not a shit parent and you're doing the right thing going to the GP.

goodlucktime thank you I'll add the website to my notes to go through tomorrow .

I do let her finish her games where possible - the problem is if it's not "right" she gets herself in to such a state by trying to fix it , we would be there forever .

I am not sure that GPs understand the subtleties of autistic spectrum disorder. Some may, but my son was picked up by a health visitor when he was 2 and I was referred to a specialist unit within a hospital. My heart goes out to you - you sound like you are trying your absolute best. It is challenging understanding and dealing with the presenting behaviour sometimes because you have to think and feel like the child which takes time to appreciate. I got so much help and without that I don't know what would have happened. This was twenty odd years ago and things have changed significantly. There is a lot more understanding of autism now and support. Thank god for Mumsnet! I wish it had been around when I was a young mother. My kids are adults now and I have come here for advice about other things, but it's an amazing resource!

After reading online , I thought she may have High Functioning Autism, but school have dismissed it

Schools and loads of other people minimise everything and don't see what you see.

Do see your GP and also look at Sensory Processing - apologies, have RTFT but can't remember if this has already been linked (ignore if it has)
An OT can diagnose this and help with a sensory diet, not food but ways to help your dd cope when she feels overwhelmed with things that are too loud, too fast too bright etc.
www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-processing-disorder-checklist.html

think of it like a panic attack

This!! It's hard to do - I understand that - but behaviour is a form of communication, and the likening it to a panic attack is apt.

When I have a 'meltdown', I honestly can't control it. But I am aware that it's not 'normal', there's just nothing I can do about it at the time. I feel awful afterwards too.

You absolutely are not a shit parent - the fact you want the best options going forward for your daughter point to the exact opposite! - you're just having a hard time at the moment.

If you can see the GP tomorrow, I would. Be firm with the request for a referral.

it doesn't sound at all as if you are a shit parent.

Teachers know surprisingly little about child development and they often don't notice stuff unless it is creating a problem for them. Even then they don't always tell you because they worry if might mean they are a shit teacher! So trust your gut and go to your GP, you know your child.

Children behave like this when they are finding it tough. There could be lots of reasons your DD is finding life tough (including some of the things that have been mentioned).

My guess is that she is working really hard to hold it together at school so she doesn't lose her friends (well done to both of you for that.
At home she doesn't need to (and it is probably exhausting) because she knows you love her no matter what.
Good luck
hugs to both of you.
www.understood.org (American site so read with caution) has lots of information some of which might be useful depending how you get on with the GP.

It's totally understandable that you're finding it harder & harder to deal with. We expect them to have more self control, to 'grow up', to be 'better behaved' & to stop a lot of the (toddler) behaviour as they transition from toddler to school aged kids. When they don't (or not as had envisaged) it's bloody hard. It's also very stressful because you feel (& worry others do too) that it's your parenting at fault. You worry about their futures (& your sanity!). Physically they're harder to manage & at the back of your mind is 'Fuck if she's like this me, his will she be at 10/12/15/18... you're stress, tired & unsure what's what.

If it were me, I'd treat her as if she had been dx with whatever you feel she closest fits. Use coping strategies others recommend & changing MY thinking from 'naughty, defiant, irritating --little shit-' to 'Poor DD how difficult must it be living in her head? Showing so much restraint at school, trying so hard all day to 'fit in'. She must be overwhelmed, exhausted & beyond being able to cope'. Because that would help ME cope with her behaviour a bit better.

Of course, this doesn't mean she gets to d what she pleases, when she pleases, but it might help you to feel less frustrated by it & unsure of yourself.

My DS has Asperger's and he has some of those traits. Not exactly the same as your DD, but immense revenge for tiny slights was one of his issues. Anxiety and other issues such as ASCs can go together very strongly, and anxiety adds fuel to rigidity and temper. Definitely worth a trip to the GP and ask for a referral, it may or not be an ASC but either way you're not wasting anyone's time.

And in the meantime you might find that Explosive Child helps. It's not aimed at any specific diagnosis but it's great for kids who seem to flare up massively over nothing. It might seem to contradict some of the 1-2-3 Magic type of approach but at different times I've used a variety of parenting approaches, and I've mixed and matched, and they've all been valuable.

Just seen the bedtime meltdown - I've been there. Hope it's finished but if not then when all else failed here's what worked for us
ignore the awful behaviour (she probs can't help it)
STOP giving instructions of any kind (she probs can't process them atm) HUG HER.

If it works it will make you both feel better.

OP, definitely agree that maybe high functioning autism. When it is mild school teachers can't always tell. Also girls present very differently to boys and do not display the stereo typical autism behaviours (which are based on boys). Go to GP and ask for referral for an autism assessment. Could also go privately to a OCcupationsl therapist who is able to diagnose Sensory Processing Disorder in children. Is expensive but this is how we started off whilst we kicked off the process with the NHS.

Much of your description in the OP could have been used to describe my DD at age 6. I feel guilty that only now at age 10 did I visit the GP with her. My DD is being assessed for dyspraxia as she doesn't present with any behavioural problems in school. She's intelligent and mostly compliant but I KNOW she's different from her peers. The fact is that girls who learn to mask symptoms/difficulties are overlooked as they don't present with challenging behaviours. What I'm saying is, act on your instincts now & don't be fobbed off-you need the support. Good luck

Girls can be very good at understanding how to hide any Asperger/asd, have a google.