Should I take this further or is this normal child behaviour?

[SomethingsUpWithWilfred]

DD is an only child and is 6 years old; she has always been highly strung but I'm beginning to think there's something not "right" more and more.

I've spoken to school who said they can't see any issues with her so I'm wondering whether it's my parenting

I have a GP appointment in 2 days for DD , after I called in tears because I feel so out of my depth .

Please be brutally honest - could this be just "bad" behaviour or would you say this isn't normal ? Examples:

DD doesn't like to go out anywhere spontaneously - suggestion of soft play / park etc on a whim are all met with tantrums and refusal to go .
I often don't bother going out as its not worth the stress .

If I tell her in advance we are going to X in Y amount of days she will be happy - but sometimes when it comes to actually doing it she doesn't want to go - and tantrums.

She seems very sensitive to loud noises , low sounds and textures such as jeans - resulting in a refusal to wear certain clothes - this is a daily battle and is wearing me out.

She hates socks and underwear.

She is very emotional - usually either very upset or very angry - glimpses of joy seem very over the top , almost fake .

She has lots of friends and can be sociable but I've noticed more lately that as more children join the group to play , she quietens down - she will play but isn't loud like the others .

She is very rude / cheeky and no amount of sanctions seem to resolve it .

She lashes out - again no amount of sanctions resolve this .

She becomes very attached to things like sticks , bits of rubbish etc

She constantly ignores me when I ask her to do the most basic of things or will have a tantrum

She's very close to her cousin who comes to play a few times a week but DD has a very hard time sharing - she refuses to allow her cousin to touch her things and can lash out

She needs to have "revenge" - if her cousin accidentally hurts her , she hits her twice as hard even though we explain it was an accident , she just keeps repeating "she did it to me !"

I could go on and on but I'll try to keep it as brief as I can

I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do .

School say she doesn't display these behaviours there . When I ask DD why she doesn't act like this at school , she says it's because she doesn't want to lose her friends .

So could it be my parenting ?

I really need to do something as this is happening every day and I feel my patience running low .

Opinions please ?

Be brutal but gentle as I'm feeling very fragile

School are not qualified to say if it is or isn't autism.

Always worth getting it checked out, either for reassurance or to have a problem identified. Female autism is different to male and less well known about and so less well spotted so it is quite possible school haven't picked it up because they don't know what to look for.

My DS was exactly like this and I also suspected autism.

I totally understand how horrendous it is.

On the plus side he is fine now at 10 and rarely displays this behaviour and with hindsight i wonder if he picked up on the atmosphere at home as i am now divorced and a single mum. You haven't said your circus but could it be something like that?

I would expect at 6 that a child would not only be able to be reasoned with to share but to lash out and hit ? That is out of the ordinary behaviour, the emotional management and restraint should be there.

Several of my children have dyspraxia and have issues with labels and seams in clothes. Dyspraxia.

Sorry that didn't read very well, they should be able to be reasoned with and concede that they were in the wrong,

You could also ring the council to ask about their brilliant free parenting courses.

My dd has hfa, and there are similar elements (clothing, predictability going places) but also some differences. Dd for r example does not seek revenge as she isn't as interactive, however she does fixate.

Personally I'd say you can't diagnose via mumsnet, but it's a perfectly reasonable set of concerns to want to discuss them with a professional. She may have a difficulty, it may be something that good quality intervention can support and resolve, but I would seek further professional advice x

SPD/autism?

Ds has some of these and has dyspraxia and SPD. At school he is perfect little angel and top of class academically but can be challenging at home.

Sounds very much like my dd who is 8. She was diagnosed with ASD almost 2 years ago, and it was a huge battle for it to be recognised.

Unless school teachers are clinical psychologists, they are not qualified to say it isn't autism! I was accused of poor parenting (I have 4 dc, none of them displayed these symptoms). Dd does mask, and is very well-behaved at school, however, blatant signs like flapping in the playground were missed .

Please take your concerns to a GP and do some more research around girls and autism so that you are really clued up to fight your dds corner when you are with the GP. Some useful names to google are Tania Marshall and Tony Atwood.

Girls can 'crumple' when they get older and are less adept at masking their autism. My dd is very popular but copies the personality of those she is playing with. At home she is also violent and self harms. She first started cutting herself at the age of 6. It's been a difficult journey for us, but once she was diagnosed, I was no longer fighting for recognition, but felt in a place that was more useful to help her, especially at school (who put it down to me not having boundries ).

Yes I mirror what others are saying, go to your GP with your concern, go to your school nurse. It does sound like ASD, but I am not a qualified professional.

She could be highly strung some kids are, By all means reach out for support though it sounds like you need it.
I wouldn't personally always think there was something wrong as I do think all children are very different, Yes most kids should understand about sharing about being kind about not acting up, And maybe she does but she just knows what she can get away with at home.

You sound like you need a break do you have anyone that could take care of her?

I think it's definitely worth looking into. Visit the gp as planned and don't let them fob you off.

Lottie - she could be highly strung but she could also be really struggling. Speaking as a parent of a child with autism there is enough there to warrant a professional opinion of some kind.

Worry less about what school thinks right now. They arent experts. My daughter isn't even what would be classed as high functioning autism and she still copes much better at school than she does at home. Many autistic children do.

It's always worth getting a child assessed professionally - start with the GP.

However, speaking as a parent with a child with autism - I thought that a diagnosis would be a magic wand and I'd get services to help.

This might not happen, you might not get diagnosed with autism, you might have to wait.

So in short - get going now! If you have the money or push for a referral to a CAMHs team or psychologist about her behaviour. Look on the internet now for any tips that might be useful. Get some books on 'the explosive child' for example or 'social stories' on how to share.

Begin some trial and error ways of dealing with new situations - see if a visual diary of the week helps. Give your child plenty of time to get used to going out and don't hurry her. Speak to the school and ask what kind of support they can give her.

You seem to be saying her language is fine.

A lot of children hold everything in at school - like a bottle of water that is added to all day, without any obvious spillage or signs of distress, but it's adding up. Get home - bottle is practically full - and the slightest thing puts the water in that will make it overflow. And everything from the day will come out too.

It's also safe to let it all out at home - it's a place of safety for her.

I would ask for a referral. If it's upsetting you, it needs looking into. If there is an underlying cause, it can be helpful going forward to know what you are dealing with and to inform school so they can make any adjustments as needed.

Girls with ASD are quite often skilled in 'masking' their difficulties at school, as although there is no doubting they have ASD and it's associated difficulties, it presents differently in females, who are often more adept at mimicking social situations. At school, where the situation is quite routine and she has 'role models' (good or bad) in her classmates, she has something to 'copy' (for want of a better way of saying it).

I say all of this as someone diagnosed with Aspergers as an adult - my behaviour was just taken mostly for shyness and introversion when I was a child, although my mum can now see how I displayed my difficulties then. I was also a teacher (well, technically until the end of the academic year, I still am), so I have taught lots of children in school with a variety of diagnoses. And not - I have always taken parents' concerns on board, even if there hasn't been a diagnosis in place.

Ask for the referral - Community Paediatrician most likely (ASD isn't a mental health difficulty, so a referral to CAMHS isn't needed at this stage, unless there are presenting MH difficulties as well) - and see how it goes. Go to the GP with everything you've said in your OP - take it as a list if it give you confidence - and stand your ground.

You're just looking out for your daughter's best interests. Ultimately, it doesn't matter if there is an underlying cause or not - some of the behaviours still need to be tackled - but the way you go about it would be different and you'd hopefully get some understanding.

This is an essay - well done if you got to the end OP!

It sounds a little like tactile defensiveness - this may not be the best website about it, but maybe see if it sounds similar
kidcompanions.com/tactile-sensitivity-what-it-is-and-the-common-signs/

Sabrinatheteenagebitch and where have I said not to get a professional opinion?
I am just saying that it doesn't always have to be autism which is a fair point to make, I don't want to start diagnosing a child I have never met over the internet as I am not a Dr and I haven't witnessed it.
I think op definately needs to get some support as I said, I hope she gets the help she needs for her child.

You sound so stressed you poor thing. I'm glad you are going to the GP as at least you may feel reassured that it is not your parenting.

Re the clothing. Apart from school days is it really the end of the world to let her choose to wear soft leggings and a top? Some battles are not worth having.
I changed my washing powder from a main brand to using soap nuts which definitely helped my eldest DD. She used to complain of "scratchy clothes" when she was younger.
I've learnt to let a lot of the smaller stuff go and become a really laid back parent. It's not easy but my DD's do respect it when I say NO as they know I mean it.

I'm still reading and noting links - thank you all again .

I've just been dealing with a very upset DD .

I told her it was time to put her tablet away (with warnings beforehand) and she's now upset because her game wasn't "right" and she needed more time .

I'm strict with rules and she knows it's time to put it away but now she's very upset .

It's so distressing to watch her standing with her digging her fingers in to her head because she's frustrated and angry

i have to say that much of what you describe sounds like autistic spectrum behaviour. I have a son who was diagnosed as being on the spectrum, and he also did not like loud noises, unfamiliar situations , needed to be prepared for experiences and had tantrums, that were actually emotionally distress. Please ask to have her assessed by an Educational Psychologist. I got a lot of help and support and the school was great, until we moved to another area. But that is another story. Textures and different foods are also often an issue with children who are on the autistic spectrum. It's like they lack a skin and feel everything more acutely. It may also be that your child finds social interaction a struggle so being with lots of children in a noisy overstimulating environment like a play park is hard for her. At school she has a routine and knows what to expect , so this might be why she doesn't appear to act differently there. It may be her anxiety and struggle to cope are less apparent there.

Fancied I used jeans as an example , there are very few items of clothing she will wear .

I try to be accommodating most times but sometimes her choices are either impractical for the outing or look absolutely ridiculous - I don't want her to be ridiculed by her friends

Please don't ask the Internet to diagnose your child. Speak to a trained professional who can examine her.

argymargy I think my OP has been mis interpreted - I'm not asking for MN to diagnose my child - hence the GP appointment I've made .

I'm asking whether I should be concerned enough to warrant a GP appointment .