Should I take this further or is this normal child behaviour?

[SomethingsUpWithWilfred]

DD is an only child and is 6 years old; she has always been highly strung but I'm beginning to think there's something not "right" more and more.

I've spoken to school who said they can't see any issues with her so I'm wondering whether it's my parenting

I have a GP appointment in 2 days for DD , after I called in tears because I feel so out of my depth .

Please be brutally honest - could this be just "bad" behaviour or would you say this isn't normal ? Examples:

DD doesn't like to go out anywhere spontaneously - suggestion of soft play / park etc on a whim are all met with tantrums and refusal to go .
I often don't bother going out as its not worth the stress .

If I tell her in advance we are going to X in Y amount of days she will be happy - but sometimes when it comes to actually doing it she doesn't want to go - and tantrums.

She seems very sensitive to loud noises , low sounds and textures such as jeans - resulting in a refusal to wear certain clothes - this is a daily battle and is wearing me out.

She hates socks and underwear.

She is very emotional - usually either very upset or very angry - glimpses of joy seem very over the top , almost fake .

She has lots of friends and can be sociable but I've noticed more lately that as more children join the group to play , she quietens down - she will play but isn't loud like the others .

She is very rude / cheeky and no amount of sanctions seem to resolve it .

She lashes out - again no amount of sanctions resolve this .

She becomes very attached to things like sticks , bits of rubbish etc

She constantly ignores me when I ask her to do the most basic of things or will have a tantrum

She's very close to her cousin who comes to play a few times a week but DD has a very hard time sharing - she refuses to allow her cousin to touch her things and can lash out

She needs to have "revenge" - if her cousin accidentally hurts her , she hits her twice as hard even though we explain it was an accident , she just keeps repeating "she did it to me !"

I could go on and on but I'll try to keep it as brief as I can

I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do .

School say she doesn't display these behaviours there . When I ask DD why she doesn't act like this at school , she says it's because she doesn't want to lose her friends .

So could it be my parenting ?

I really need to do something as this is happening every day and I feel my patience running low .

Opinions please ?

Be brutal but gentle as I'm feeling very fragile

Yes I would op, there are some significant concerns there.

Sounds like autism and possible ADHD. I hope you get support, please keep asking until you get some

Apologies just seen your update op. Yes definitely go to the gp! You need support and it would benefit your dd

My daughter is very similar OP and she doesn't have autism however she is a highly sensitive child ( if you do a quick google you'll be able to find a checklist or more info). She 'feels' everything 100 times more strongly than her calmer sister. She was a high needs baby and is highly strung and sensitive now. Hope that helps

Hi, I'm autistic and this definetely reads to me as autism. The symptoms you see in autistic girls are often overlooked by schools! Definetely take it to the GP.

I'm so pleased that the general consensus doesn't seem to be that I'm a shit parent ....

I know , I know it's a snapshot etc and you can't all review my parenting , it just feels such a relief that there are "others " out there who recognise this behaviour .

DH works away and it is usually DD and I so it's me coping whilst working and doing everything else .

I'm just feeling rather fragile as the half term I had planned has gone down the toilet bowl

It could be anxiety, worried about doing new things, worried about sharing in case things don't come back.

I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and retrospect the behaviours were caused by anxiety.

I had exactly the same problems with my son. Perfect at nursery/school but a loose cannon at home, especially with me. I asked the school for help and they put me in touch with the early years department at our council.

A year later, despite implementing new strategies, his behaviour was getting worse. To cut a long story short, we went private and got a diagnosis of mild/moderate Aspergers, mild/moderate ADHD, severe dyslexia and severe dyspraxia.

Your daughter's behaviour is not "normal" so I would recommend speaking to maybe CAMHS or your doctor who can refer you. It's a long road ahead but ultimately worth it 

Could be what is normal stimulation for most is too much stimulation for her. Socks and underwear and textures add to the stimuli, going places, too many playmates at once, too much stimulation. I've heard of this before somewhere. One of the treatments is to brush her skin each day to calm her system and a few other things, I know that may sound strange, but there is a name for this but I can't remember what it is.

She sounds an awful lot like my DN - who has been diagnosed with Asperger's. Ask for a referral to CAMHS for assessment.

Just to echo what various posters have said about schools. IME teachers generally have very little knowledge/awareness of how High Functioning Autism presents in girls (quite different from boys) and therefore miss things, particularly with the 'masking' which girls with HFA are so adept at. So I would be inclined to disregard their 'she's fine' and push your GP when you see him/her for a referral to CAMHS/Community Paediatrician.
The behaviours you describe could be a snapshot of my DDto a tee, at age 6. Now 11, she was diagnosed aged 8 with HFA/Dyspraxia and has lots of Sensory Processing issues.
Diagnosis has been a long journey...but ultimately a relief.
At that point, DD was an only child too, and it was hard having nothing to compare it to. But I always 'knew' somewhere inside of me...keep pushing for answers.
And no, you're not a shit parent.
Good luck, it's not easy, particularly if you are coping alone a lot. Be kind to yourself.

my dd has some of the traits you describe. I have researched High Functioning Autism in relation to her behaviour, and it was when I started to read some of the articles about girls and ASD that I really had my eyes opened.
Some of the things that boys do, which are actually used as part of the diagnosis can be the opposite in girls- superficially.

eg, lack of interest in fiction - in girls they can become avid readers of fiction and a little obsessed with a certain set of books/author. They use the stories as social stories to help work out how to behave etc.

imaginative play - boys with ASD don't tend to do imaginative play. But girls do. It is just that the way they play is quite distinctive, so, creating little worlds with their sylvanians and playmobile - everything has a place, very complex set ups with everything just so. It is fine until someone comes to play with them. They can't handle someone disturbing their created world, and won't 'share' or play with them, because the other person cannot put everything in the 'right' place so it is just so, and the playmate gets upset and ends up going home.

Able to mimic social situations and play at school, but it doesn't actually translate into friendships, because she struggles to really understand what is going on.
Perfectly behaved at school, academically fine, but melt downs at home.

dd is very sociable at one level, but when you look closely, she doesn't have good social skills with her peers. So we go to a big church, she is the life and soul of the place, extremely sociable, everyone knows her, she helps all over the place - but it is all with adults or older kids. Very rarely with kids of her own age.

Hating change and unexpected or unfamiliar situations is another one. Every single birthday party since reception, dd has had a melt down on the morning of the party, refused to get dressed and go. I worked out a system where we just put on her stuff and we went to 'drop off the present' I promised her I would stay as long as she wanted and if she didn't want to stay we would come home. She would come, and we would walk through the door, she would see all her classmates, and realise it was a situation she could cope with, and tell me it was OK I could go home.

Do pursue it. The school will only do it if it effects her in class and it doesn't, she is able to hold it together at school. But this gets harder the older she gets and the more complex the social situations get.

My dd same age has same symptoms and a few more besides. My 10 YO has ASD and after the 8 years it took for a diagnosis I didn't mess around getting a referral to a paediatrician.

You are very right to push for a GP appointment. Disregard the unhelpful school opinions. Children with ASD can be brilliant at masking at school and then he difficult at home where they feel safe and can no longer keep it in. Remember it's considered a 'hidden' disability.

Don't stress about it all but be persistent.

Does sound a little like ASC, I was convinced my daughter was on the spectrum while she was at primary school, but the teachers said they did not notice any traits. Now at 15 she has changed considerably for the better, but personally I refuse to rule out ASC.

There is a lot there that are asd traits.

Children masking at school (especially girls) is well known. But this amplifies the subsequent behaviour and the need for quiet and routine and control.
They can 'perform' at school or when out because they don't have any LD which means they learn the expectations .

Think about it from an nt POV. We can go to family parties and put on a performance in front of everyone and behave appropriately and not twat the family member who quotes all kinds of bigoted (for e.g.) things all night.
But we come home and post on MN about them! Have a cuppa and can move on. We understand our emotions and can control them.

People with asd find this harder. That family party will have a greater effect on them. They can take days to unwind and may not be able to get the conversation out of their head. Therefore they seek to control other things around them whilst they process that.

Oh OP - the 'shit parent' I think every single parent of an SEN child woudl say that they have had the shit parent label chucked at them, sometimes repeatedtly for years.

I can think of a mum at our school. DDs behaviour off the scale, spent 4-5 years being told to go on parenting course, was it because she was a young mum, because her health wasn't good (she had Chrohns) because she was a single parent.
Finally the school referred her dd for a diagnosis, ADHD, oppositional definance whatsit and something else I can't remember. She is now in a special school. (and much happier)

Please please do not accept that 'shit parent' title. You are, in fact, an amazing parent who is dealing with much much more than the average parent deals with.

As to half term, don't worry about doing all the 'stuff' that other people do. Look at YOUR dd and do what SHE needs. If that is all day at home pottering, then great. That is a good day. If she sees no friends at all over half term - fine, she will see people at school next week, this is her week off from the hard work it is to be sociable.

PS, I am not the parent of a SEN child, not trying to assume a role I don't have, but I know a few and that comment is one they have all mentioned.

Hiya somethings I don't have any useful advice to give, but I just wanted to say you don't sound like a rubbish parent. You sound loving and caring and faced with a really difficult situation. I hope that you get the help you need, being a parent can be hard at the best of times, never mind anything else going on.

Thank you so much for all the posts and the effort put in to those posts .

I'm working my way through them and googling everything .

Bedtime has gone to the dogs too .

I've just burst in to tears after she screamed in my face like nothing I've ever heard before .

I'm totally out of my depth here .

You're not a shit Mum, you're a good Mum 💐

Start with your GP. If you can find the time before then, write a list of her behaviour that worries you. Watch it grow very fast when you get going 😔

If they ask how she is at school, simply explain that she masks & comes home a nightmare letting it all out.

Some GP's are fabulous, but sadly some are clueless & you will have to push for referrals. I'd actually go private anyway if you can find the money. The delays in the system are criminal.

Getting a dx will help you to help her.

Is your DH behind you or fighting against you?

Try to be patient with her, she very likely really can't help herself, it's no fun for her either, poor mite. Have a think about what people have said & until you get professional help, see if any of the coping techniques help.

Good luck 💐

(Oh & there's a poster who lives up to her name & is best ignored. This is EXACTLY the place to come to discuss your fears while you wait for referrals etc)

What do you do when she screams?

The natural instinct is to try and calm them down but that doesn't work for my ds.

He's better if I back off and walk away. He can come to me when he's calm enough to be able to communicate.

Is she in bed now? Does she sleep through?

🥃🍫

Thank you.

I'm ashamed to say I'm finding it harder and harder not to get cross with her . I know she doesn't seem to be able to help it (and I know when she is playing up) , but I'm being pushed to my limits at times and I just cry