Parents and money- to go low (even lower) contact?

[tiptopteepe]

This is really sad because i do love my parents and my son loves them but they keep doing the same things over and over. Its actually making me really depressed.

The main issue is money. They are very strange with money and have been throughout my life. It makes me feel very guilty and shit about myself and im not sure i can cope with it any more.

I wrote a thread a while back about issues i had with them getting some inheritance money (300 grand) and saying they would help my uncle to buy me a house (he had offered to help me and suggested they went in with him).

Basically my mother screamed at my uncle down the phone (she hates him) until he refused to help anymore and then they withdrew their own side of the money. Now i dont think im entitled to a house or anything but this is something they had said was happening to the extent that we had started looking at houses etc... and i was delighted. So obviously i was very sad that it didnt work out. My parents acted like they had done me a favour because my uncle wouldve always wanted to stay over and he wasnt very nice (wtf as though i wouldve cared, the man couldve stayed as much as he liked if hed helped me buy a house!!)

There was another big instance where they said they were going to help us pay for our honeymoon to a certain city then dropped out of that last minute.

They then booked that city for their own anniversary holiday 6 months later and did pay for us to come and were generous whilst we were there in buying us food etc but of course they had chosen everything and we were there to celebrate their special day.

Whilst we were on holiday with them they gave us a couple of hundred quid spending money which was lovely of them and they said we didnt have to pay it back as we had just moved house to somewhere unfurnished. They also gave the impression they would be sending us some money for my sons birthday (they are also in control of my grandmothers finances since she was deemed unfit and said theyd send something from her too)

So its my sons birthday today and my dad rings up and tells me to use the hundred he leant me on holiday a couple of weeks ago to get something for my son......(btw he is their only grandchild and i am their only child)

Er well i spent that money on the holiday! So basically my son is getting nothing from them. Wed arranged to do something which we now cant afford to do with him which was silly granted but i was only thinking theyd send 30 odd quid which wouldve allowed us to do this.

My husbands family who live quite far away are in much more tight circumstances than my parents and they all sent presents or money for my son. They sent some lovely gifts.

My parents are and always have been very wealthy but i do know they mismanage money quite often. They have two houses and have just had a swimming pool built in one which i think has spiralled in terms of cost.
They can be very generous but the issue is they keep yanking my chain emotionally with money. It would be fine if they just said they couldnt pay for something but its that the offer to do things like they aare amazing people and get all the praise for it but then hardly ever deliver. They will spend money on things other people can see like taking us out to dinner, but when ive really been stuck at points in my life they have refused to help.
I know im partially responsible because i get sucked into this dynamic. But i cant help but equate it to coldness. It feels like they dont really care about the welfare of me or my son they just care about looking good.
We dont hear from them that often as it is.
Each time this has happened recently ive got more and more depressed. Im thinking that maybe i should just cut them out of my life completely as people were saying on my thread about the house.

Theres loads more backstory to this and history of them doing stuff like this throughout my life.

Am i being entitled in some way though? Is my attitude part of the problem?
I just feel awful about myself everytime this happens. I dont want to be one of those people angry at their parents about everything i just want to get on with my life and not feel horrendous. I dont know why i cant cope with this emotionally.
I used to be very angry with my mother for lots of very odd things she did when i was growing up and i know feeling like that leads nowhere. Shes just a flawed person and i thought now i am an adult and have my own child the dynamic could be different. But its still all just as painful.

Stop talking about money with them. Stop taking any money, and if you do make sure it is understood preferably in written that it was a gift or loan.

Don't rely on them for money, don't expect any money from them.

It sounds like a tough situation you're in and I don't think you come across as entitled. Your parents appear to be doing a push-pull tactic.

Personally, I'd just shut down any conversation about money. If they make offers you could either say thank you and steel yourself for nothing to come of it or say no thank you and bring the topic to a swift close.

In different circumstances my mother made similar gestures but it was her health that put obstacles in the way which was both understandable or easier to accept.

I think you are desperate to like and love them so you fall into the trap every time of believing the offer when they make it.

I would personally get some therapy, stop believing that they will every do anything nice for you. They are being very controlling and horrid tbh. I would distance myself further until my head is sorted - which could be the rest of their lives tbh.

The minute I stopped taking money from my parents was when our relationship improved. I wasn't let down at not getting money, they could no longer piss me off with unfulfilled promises.

ive tried to do this but its very difficult. Im on minimum wage and my husband earns a bit more but not loads but they dont even seem to realise what thats like. If we didnt take any money off them we would basically never see them because they dont want to do things we can afford to do. They dont want to eat where we can afford to eat.
I dont expect money from them except when they offer it or they say they are going to do something!! Which i know i should do given past events but again its hard because it is actually helpful to us. For example my son got to go to one of the greatest cities in the world because they paid for it. I cant just not accept something like that because i would feel shit on his account. Its an amazing opportunity i would never be able to provide myself. This is what i mean about the no contact. Because they are always offering things like that which is amazing but quite often it doesnt happen. I cant say no to these things easily without feeling guilty but perhaps it would be better if i never heard them at all and just got on with things myself?

I'm another one that refuses money from parents. My mum tried to give me a few hundred when we moved into our place but I refused.

I've never taken a penny from them since the age of 15.

Stop accepting their money, take that control away from them.

See if your relationship improves. If they don't make an effort to see you and your family, then I probably would cut them out.

Just have no expectations at all with them over money. If they then buy you something or send a money gift then it is a bonus, if they don't you weren't expecting it anyway.

It must be hard if you are struggling and can see your parents with 2 houses, putting in pools and preventing your uncle helping you out especially as you say they dangle promises of things and then take them away. Just work on the basis these things will NEVER happen and if they do -then that's great.

after the house thing i had a conversation with my husband about it and we had decided not to trust anything they said in the future about money and just write that type of thing off and try and enjoy them for the fact our son loves them and ignore the dodgy money stuff.
Im very angry with myself that i got drawn back in.
It really is very hard not to be though.

Stop expecting money from them, don't make any plans with money that they suggest that they are giving you, then if you get anything its a bonus.. their money is just that, theirs.

I would stop going away with them tbh and stop talking about money, don't show any interest in their money.

Sorry but yes you sound a bit entitled. Can you genuinely not find the £30 that you were banking on getting from them to do the thing for your DS birthday or are you being mardy about it?

i genuinely cant unless i sacrifice food shopping which i cant do with child really. Luckily he has some nice gifts from other people and its a nice day tomorrow so we can just go to the park with his friends but yes i am mardy.
They know my situation. Weve just had to furnish an entire house with white goods and everything.

I just would never do this to anyone. If i said i was going to do something for them i would do it. And if i couldnt i would let them know and i would let them know why as well. I wouldnt just gaslight them on the actual day.

You're enabling their controlling behaviour, you know them well enough to know they aren't going to follow through with their promises of money yet you continue to go along with it, and have some expectation that this time it will be different? It won't.

That is a horrible dynamic they've set up. I would just think 'yeah right' every time they make outlandish offers, but thank them politely but not effusively. Then if they deliver be surprised and pleased to accept but expect that they won't.

I think all you can do here is to laugh inwardly or with DH & reset your expectations. This will take the emotional sting away, which is the payoff for them. It might take therapy to help you reset though.

thanks for the replies everyone! I know you are all right. This has literally just happened now so i am still quite upset about it. Hopefully ill be able to think about it more calmly and put it into perspective later. Its not the end of the world. Like everyone says i just have to be careful about falling into this trap. Also not let it effect me so much. Its just what they do, its not about me. The only thing thats about me is how im reacting to it. So i am gonna try and just react a bit more stoically and look at it as a lesson.

I think it is a bit ridiculous to be banking on £30 from your parents to take your child on a birthday outing.

A gift is just that - a gift and they might have decided to send a toy or something else instead rather than money.

So yes they seem erratic but it does sound a bit like you are placing an expectation on them to subsidise you.

It's not their fault you are a low income family.

I think you have to be careful not to plan/spend any money until you've actually received it.
So if they say "we'll give you ££ for XX", just say "thanks that'll be great", but assume it's not actually coming until it has!

I remember your house thread

I know you feel guilty about DS and opportunities but you really really need to stop even thinking that they might be serious about giving you anything at all. You need to meet every offer with "no thank you". If that means that you don't see them then so be it. Your DS cannot grow up feeling beholden to anyone with the added instability of not knowing whether or not his family will keep their promises.

Have you ever said "No thank you" when they make one of these offers?

What do you think would happen if you did?

You sound very immature and reliant on them...and yes entitled. Stop accepting and expecting cash from them. Not being able to celebrate your son's birthday and blaming it on them because you've just blown their last gift of cash on a holiday proves all my points precisely. They're not blameless but now create your own life and look to provide for your child yourself and with his father.

And you absolutely can turn offers down, in fact you must because it wont be long before they have your son in this unhealthy dynamic too. How would you feel to see your son go through the promise/withdrawal disappointment that you have been through?

They will do it, so its up to you to make sure it doesnt happen before it starts.

hey can be very generous but the issue is they keep yanking my chain emotionally with money. It would be fine if they just said they couldnt pay for something but its that the offer to do things like they aare amazing people and get all the praise for it but then hardly ever deliver.

You need to stop letting them. As PP said, if they offer money, don't bank on it until it's in your account. If they want to go somewhere you can't afford, say no and offer an alternative. Frankly you'd be within your rights to have a conversation to the effect that while you don't expect anything from them financially the fact that they've repeatedly offered and then not followed through is incredibly hurtful/disorientating, and in practical terms leaves you unable to plan. If they want you/DS to rely on them they need to be reliable.

They are using money to control you, my parents have done this all my life. Stop taking money from them & the issue goes away - they have no control / impact on you then.

IIhj thats quite harsh. I didnt 'blow' their gift of cash on holiday. They gave it to me, actually on that holiday in euros and specifically said to me it was for the holiday. And i am able to celebrate my sons birthday. I had already bought him presents from me and his dad and he has gifts from other family members and like i said we will just have to do something free rather than what we were gonna do. Ive got all the cake etc ready... so its just upsetting thats all. Its not actually ruined his birthday. The thing is that they expect me to buy him presents from them... with money they gave me ages ago in euros and specifically said was to be spent on that holiday.

Im not reliant on them at all. I wouldnt be anywhere if i was. I left home at 16 and supported myself from then on.

This money stuff is about extra things not day to day essentials.

Everyone is right i know. I need to stop believing what they say and just thank them but not bank on it ever happening.

Thanks for everyones support. It does help because everytime this has happened it does just put a massive downer on things and it neednt do. It is shit of them. Ive had a rant about it now. People generally agree that it was a bit shit and i feel better instead of loops.

My friends mum is like this with her, she's an only child too, it's a complete headfuck

Grow up and stand on your own 2 feet.

2 people on minimum wage- can you retrain and get better jobs or move somewhere with more prospects?

Weve just had to furnish an entire house with white goods and everything. No you didnt need to furnish an entire house- you chose to. 2nd hand appliances are cheap, you only need beds, washing machine and a cooker, get the rest when you can afford it.

Essentialhummus Yes i have sent them a short message just pointing out that it would have been better if theyd made it clear that i was going to have to use the money they gave me on holiday to buy my son presents for his birthday from them, at the time.
I did mention it wasnt the first time they had done this and that whilst i understand if they cant afford to do something they had previously said they would do, id appreciated if they gave me more notice than on the actual day. I also said that they needed to not offer things they couldnt deliver especially in terms of money because it leads me to make plans around having that money.