Parents and money- to go low (even lower) contact?

[tiptopteepe]

This is really sad because i do love my parents and my son loves them but they keep doing the same things over and over. Its actually making me really depressed.

The main issue is money. They are very strange with money and have been throughout my life. It makes me feel very guilty and shit about myself and im not sure i can cope with it any more.

I wrote a thread a while back about issues i had with them getting some inheritance money (300 grand) and saying they would help my uncle to buy me a house (he had offered to help me and suggested they went in with him).

Basically my mother screamed at my uncle down the phone (she hates him) until he refused to help anymore and then they withdrew their own side of the money. Now i dont think im entitled to a house or anything but this is something they had said was happening to the extent that we had started looking at houses etc... and i was delighted. So obviously i was very sad that it didnt work out. My parents acted like they had done me a favour because my uncle wouldve always wanted to stay over and he wasnt very nice (wtf as though i wouldve cared, the man couldve stayed as much as he liked if hed helped me buy a house!!)

There was another big instance where they said they were going to help us pay for our honeymoon to a certain city then dropped out of that last minute.

They then booked that city for their own anniversary holiday 6 months later and did pay for us to come and were generous whilst we were there in buying us food etc but of course they had chosen everything and we were there to celebrate their special day.

Whilst we were on holiday with them they gave us a couple of hundred quid spending money which was lovely of them and they said we didnt have to pay it back as we had just moved house to somewhere unfurnished. They also gave the impression they would be sending us some money for my sons birthday (they are also in control of my grandmothers finances since she was deemed unfit and said theyd send something from her too)

So its my sons birthday today and my dad rings up and tells me to use the hundred he leant me on holiday a couple of weeks ago to get something for my son......(btw he is their only grandchild and i am their only child)

Er well i spent that money on the holiday! So basically my son is getting nothing from them. Wed arranged to do something which we now cant afford to do with him which was silly granted but i was only thinking theyd send 30 odd quid which wouldve allowed us to do this.

My husbands family who live quite far away are in much more tight circumstances than my parents and they all sent presents or money for my son. They sent some lovely gifts.

My parents are and always have been very wealthy but i do know they mismanage money quite often. They have two houses and have just had a swimming pool built in one which i think has spiralled in terms of cost.
They can be very generous but the issue is they keep yanking my chain emotionally with money. It would be fine if they just said they couldnt pay for something but its that the offer to do things like they aare amazing people and get all the praise for it but then hardly ever deliver. They will spend money on things other people can see like taking us out to dinner, but when ive really been stuck at points in my life they have refused to help.
I know im partially responsible because i get sucked into this dynamic. But i cant help but equate it to coldness. It feels like they dont really care about the welfare of me or my son they just care about looking good.
We dont hear from them that often as it is.
Each time this has happened recently ive got more and more depressed. Im thinking that maybe i should just cut them out of my life completely as people were saying on my thread about the house.

Theres loads more backstory to this and history of them doing stuff like this throughout my life.

Am i being entitled in some way though? Is my attitude part of the problem?
I just feel awful about myself everytime this happens. I dont want to be one of those people angry at their parents about everything i just want to get on with my life and not feel horrendous. I dont know why i cant cope with this emotionally.
I used to be very angry with my mother for lots of very odd things she did when i was growing up and i know feeling like that leads nowhere. Shes just a flawed person and i thought now i am an adult and have my own child the dynamic could be different. But its still all just as painful.

Sorry

No you didnt need to furnish an entire house- you chose to. 2nd hand appliances are cheap, you only need beds, fridge, washing machine and a cooker, get the rest when you can afford it.

The thing is that they expect me to buy him presents from them... with money they gave me ages ago in euros and specifically said was to be spent on that holiday.

In similar circs I think you'd do well to say, "Actually dad, you gave me that money while we were on holiday and specifically said it was to be spent on that holiday, so I spent it. You'll need to make another arrangement if you'd like Bob to have a present from you."

They're relying on your complicity.

Cross-post, sorry!

It's incredibly tough, but important. They don't get to act oblivious and get away with it.

My mother can no longer control me with money. I have enough in my own right. Until this stage, she manipulated me. I fully understand the dynamic. I felt beholden to her and bought her lovely and expensive gifts. And she made out they were just run of the mill stuff. I have been trained and conditioned.

All I can say is, you made a mistake regarding the money this time. It sounds absolutely shit. Learn from it. Don't be hard on yourself if it happens again. To move on, give yourself some love and care and make peace with that part of yourself, which has been conditioned to believe you are only worth the money they decide to spend on you.

Essentialhummus yes you are right. I did say that i wouldnt be writing their names on the labels of any presents i had bought for him. It does seem a bit petty but i guess it has to be done and he cant read yet anyway so it wont harm him!
I think they do rely on me to just be nice.

It just gets to me that my husbands family none of whom have ever earned above minimum wage have all managed to send cards and gifts.
My parents havent even sent a card.

Your relationship with your parents is very money orientated and you seem both entitled and resentful. The only way to stop that is to stop talking about your finances and stop accepting their handouts.

If they offer to take ds on holiday, say no thank you cant afford it no need to discuss further. If they offer you spending money say no and change the subject. Proudly live within your means, you may find your relationship with them improves when the money pressure is if off both of you.

Urgh, you need to keep them at a preferably huge distance.

They're just manipulating you.

Do you really want to have a relationship with them that is based on such manipulation?

@llhj I don't think the OP is reliant on her parents or immature at all. It's an odd dynamic when people try to control you with money as they often offer it unsolicited. They know about your life, as being parents one would assume they are interested. However, they just seem to know what to pick up on that they can offer so that if it is agreed upon, assumed as 100% happening (as most people would with an unsolicited offer otherwise you would think it wouldn't be offered), then withdrawn at a strategic point it will cause maximum mayhem. This is done in a way, despite a persons best attempts at independence to both reel them back into the apron strings, show how you can't manage without them, how much better at life they are and you are not. It's done to chip away at independence, it's done to maximise financial damage to the OP in an attempt to make her reliant on them for financial help which they won't provide in a practical sense, but so they can play Mr. & Mrs. Bountiful to their errant irresponsible child whenever they like and feel good about themselves.
OP in her family has a role and it's the role of the poor starving urchin. The parents are the kindly philanthropists offering fanciful gifts on a whim and then taking them away because the OP is a poor urchin after all and is unworthy of such lavishness. Meanwhile, in their eyes they prove their point by having assured the OP it is a cast iron thing, the OP releases funds elsewhere, believing herself covered, then when the rug is pulled from under her, her parents go see you can't manage without us, you will never be anything without us.
The reality is OP, you can and do just fine without them. Lots of kids don't get to visit wonderful places and fantastic memories can be made in the park.
Break free again, do not believe the bullshit it will only cause you more pain. If they stop socialising with you because of it, that's their loss and they only ever saw you and your family as a prop to make them look good and you are better off away from that.

You don't seem entitled or in any way to blame. It is a trust thing, if they say one thing they should stick to it. end of story!

I remember your previous. You have a weird and co-dependant relationship with them, particularly with money, but you blame them and refuse to see your own part in the problems. You have taken an awful lot of money from them but complain they control you.

There is an obvious answer here, but you're not willing to do it.

I do have a weird co-dependant relationship with them and i do see my own part in the problems. I feed into this dynamic but its incredibly difficult. This has been my whole life.
When i left home i didnt have any contact with them for a number of years but as an adult i tried to forge some sort of relationship with them and yes it is very fucked up. But im not sure what the obvious answer is?

I only see them a few times a year as it is!

No I don't think you sound entitled.

But I think you are daft for relying on them to send birthday money when they have such epic form for being 1. unreliable 2. oblivious to your situation 3. tight.

Was there no way your house idea could have gone ahead with your uncle's support and without theirs?

Do they know the extent to which you are struggling?

Stop taking money from them! Completely.

I think the biggest obstacle you have is that you can't bring yourself to believe that your family dynamic can change.
IT CAN.
You can change it.
You need to stop accepting money from them.
It infantilizes you in their eyes. It keeps you under their control.
I suspect that the sudden withdrawal of funds is because they feel the need to teach you a lesson for some imagined wrong doing or other.
They don't sound like they budget so they don't think anyone else does.

This won't change unless you step back.

ALittleMop

No, the uncle withdrew his offer because of the parents being arses. I don't think they understand what it is to struggle. My mother certainly has no concept of the financial problems some people face and I imagine she's in the same sort of economic bracket.

I do however think you've been very silly to want to buy everything new - I'm talking about white goods.

I read your OP and the message I got is they want you to know your place. Namely as subordinate to them.

You are an adult now and need to stop accepting gifts or loans from your parents.
Your son not going to the city wouldn't have been a hardship, lots of people don't get holidays.
Learn to live within your means, lots survive and some manage to save on min wage jobs.
In allowing this to happen in the first place and more so to continue, is only hurting yourself and your family.
Learn to say "no thank you we can't afford it" When they insist it's a gift remind them of the birthday present.
Harsh but true, if they won't go to places you want to/ can afford, they aren't bothered about your company.

Sorry. I also have to add, you chose to buy new white goods, on min wage jobs it pays to buy most things second hand.
Please learn about managing money, this is your biggest problem by the sounds of it and maybe why your parents think they have a point.
My 13 year old dd could tell you about living within your means.

mummyoflittledragon we havent bought anything new? Got everything of facebook marketplace second hand!! It still cost us money tho!
I do agree that its possible they just dont have a clue.
Once when i first left home things were pretty tight because i was working to pay my rent but also still in sixth form college full time and my mum called and asked if i wanted anything and i said could she send some food...... she sent me a package containing 20 sachets of luxury latte mix, some sugar wafer biscuits in a decorative tin and some waitrose jam.

Sorry, OP cross posted there
Thought you hadn't a clue.

Op never said she bought brand new white goods you've all assumed that.

Dolores is spot on. This isn't about money, it's about control. Someone asked upthread what you thought would happen if you just refused their offers of help, and I can tell you exactly what would happen: they would press their money on you in ever greater quantities and ever more frequently. Until you capitulated and accepted, when the whole manipulative pattern would start all over again. You have two choices OP. Take the money, enjoy it and put up with the emotional control that comes as part of the package; or refuse it, walk away and enjoy the rest of your life.

Well, its also about money. OP has had large sums off them for years.

It is really upsetting when you find yourself back in the same situations time and time again as an adult that you were as a child.

I agree with everyone that you are trapped in a dynamic where you like their money (which would be completely normal if they were generous nice parents without control issues), see it as a sign of their love and care for you, and then it is taken away from you or otherwise manipulated, so you feel that loss again and again.

As everyone has said, the only way to get out of this now is to simply stop taking or expecting any money from them. However, I think the reason you don't want to do this isn't just that extra money is nice, it's because it represents their love for you, and you don't want to admit or face that they are really not that caring or thoughtful towards you, but are actually quite selfish people who want to be seen to be very generous but don't really have the emotional closeness to you to help.

Take no money beyond birthday and Christmas gifts, certainly don't take money from an uncle for a house, he would then have a hold over you which may not be healthy. I think it is for the best that you are not getting a deposit from them or him. I rent too, it is not the end of the world, so do half the population.

Try to live your life in a steadier way, less bound up in them and their petty ways- if you don't like your current lifestyle, look to improve that (there was a great thread on ways to earn more money the other day)- or accept that having a stable and emotionally warm household, even if not rich, is much much better than the home you came from which had money but didn't have the emotional stability you needed.

Op's parents didn't even send her son a birthday card, what horrible twats, taking it out on their dgs