Parents and money- to go low (even lower) contact?

[tiptopteepe]

This is really sad because i do love my parents and my son loves them but they keep doing the same things over and over. Its actually making me really depressed.

The main issue is money. They are very strange with money and have been throughout my life. It makes me feel very guilty and shit about myself and im not sure i can cope with it any more.

I wrote a thread a while back about issues i had with them getting some inheritance money (300 grand) and saying they would help my uncle to buy me a house (he had offered to help me and suggested they went in with him).

Basically my mother screamed at my uncle down the phone (she hates him) until he refused to help anymore and then they withdrew their own side of the money. Now i dont think im entitled to a house or anything but this is something they had said was happening to the extent that we had started looking at houses etc... and i was delighted. So obviously i was very sad that it didnt work out. My parents acted like they had done me a favour because my uncle wouldve always wanted to stay over and he wasnt very nice (wtf as though i wouldve cared, the man couldve stayed as much as he liked if hed helped me buy a house!!)

There was another big instance where they said they were going to help us pay for our honeymoon to a certain city then dropped out of that last minute.

They then booked that city for their own anniversary holiday 6 months later and did pay for us to come and were generous whilst we were there in buying us food etc but of course they had chosen everything and we were there to celebrate their special day.

Whilst we were on holiday with them they gave us a couple of hundred quid spending money which was lovely of them and they said we didnt have to pay it back as we had just moved house to somewhere unfurnished. They also gave the impression they would be sending us some money for my sons birthday (they are also in control of my grandmothers finances since she was deemed unfit and said theyd send something from her too)

So its my sons birthday today and my dad rings up and tells me to use the hundred he leant me on holiday a couple of weeks ago to get something for my son......(btw he is their only grandchild and i am their only child)

Er well i spent that money on the holiday! So basically my son is getting nothing from them. Wed arranged to do something which we now cant afford to do with him which was silly granted but i was only thinking theyd send 30 odd quid which wouldve allowed us to do this.

My husbands family who live quite far away are in much more tight circumstances than my parents and they all sent presents or money for my son. They sent some lovely gifts.

My parents are and always have been very wealthy but i do know they mismanage money quite often. They have two houses and have just had a swimming pool built in one which i think has spiralled in terms of cost.
They can be very generous but the issue is they keep yanking my chain emotionally with money. It would be fine if they just said they couldnt pay for something but its that the offer to do things like they aare amazing people and get all the praise for it but then hardly ever deliver. They will spend money on things other people can see like taking us out to dinner, but when ive really been stuck at points in my life they have refused to help.
I know im partially responsible because i get sucked into this dynamic. But i cant help but equate it to coldness. It feels like they dont really care about the welfare of me or my son they just care about looking good.
We dont hear from them that often as it is.
Each time this has happened recently ive got more and more depressed. Im thinking that maybe i should just cut them out of my life completely as people were saying on my thread about the house.

Theres loads more backstory to this and history of them doing stuff like this throughout my life.

Am i being entitled in some way though? Is my attitude part of the problem?
I just feel awful about myself everytime this happens. I dont want to be one of those people angry at their parents about everything i just want to get on with my life and not feel horrendous. I dont know why i cant cope with this emotionally.
I used to be very angry with my mother for lots of very odd things she did when i was growing up and i know feeling like that leads nowhere. Shes just a flawed person and i thought now i am an adult and have my own child the dynamic could be different. But its still all just as painful.

its okay a couple of people seem to think ive decked out my house new!! I havent but like i said we have had to furnish a house (we still havent got all furniture) but weve got a washing machine, fridge freezer, bed and wardrobe, chest of drawers... all second hand for a reasonable price but it does make things tight on top of the cost of moving. We havent even had our old deposit back yet. We moved for my husbands new job.
My parents wanted us to go on this holiday the day after our moving day and proper guilted us into going as 'it was a very special occasion for them' theyd booked a restaraunt and had other family members (who live in that country) coming as well. They knew full well we couldnt afford it as we had just moved but said theyd pay which they did and we were very grateful it was a lovely holiday. But we were there on show for the family.
We should have said no but it seemed like a stupid things to say no to and it seemed like they would be very upset. I dont regret going because my son loved it and seeing all the family and theres no way we would ever even be able to afford those flights for the three of us.

Yes they have spent large amounts of money on us and i am grateful for that. Its the letting me down and acting like it doesnt matter that hurts me. Its the fact that they spend money when they look good for it but not actually to help. I want to think my mum is just clueless but sometimes it does just feel cold.
I mean how difficult is it to send a card to your grandchild? I know they are abroad but still its relatively easy they arent in the middle of the mountains.
I just remember at this dinner on holiday they spent money like water. They ordered bottle after bottle of champagne... my dad was eating gold covered salmon. The meal alone cost over a thousand pounds.
So can you not understand why im quite hurt that they didnt manage to send a card with £40 in for their only grandchilds birthday?

It may be possible that they went way overboard with spending. They stayed on after we left and travelled more across that country. But if thats the case they shouldve told me sooner than on the actual day of my sons birthday. I couldve budgeted for having to buy gifts from them for him if theyd actually given me time to! And they couldve at least been apologetic. Honestly the message i got was incredibly blunt. And it was a text message not a phonecall. 'Get something for DS out of the money we gave you last month please' and it wasnt in response to anything, i hadnt texted asking for money id merely messaged them asking if they had got home safely after their travels!!

Op, your son might be too young to realise now but it's only a matter of time before your parents make promises involving him - or directly to him - which are dropped at the worst moment. Consider if you want your son to feel as you do now?
They know how to push all your buttons. Think back to what life was like when you didn't have contact. Also think of how generous your in-laws are, despite not having much money.
A good family life is priceless!

You sound like a grasping child. You need to stop sticking your hand out to spend someone else's hard-earned money. If I was your parents, I would be frustrated with you, and that's probably why they then decide not to give you anything. Work more hours, retrain, move to a cheaper area, lower your expectations etc. Its wrong to expect someone else to fund the luxury life you think you are entitled to have - like the rest of us, you are entitled to nothing you haven't worked for.

The money is a red herring, it's the motives behind it that are what's really driving this.

Op please ignore the people who cannot read what has been written, just dont engage.
You just want them to show they care, which in their case is usually by spending money, when they suddenly dont do what they offered it makes you feel like they don't actually care. Sending a card costs nothing, but it shows they care.
Unfortunately the only thing you can control is yourself, i would refuse monetary gifts even if they are for your son, you will continue to resent their disinterest in your life beyond how things appear to other people.

foureyes you are right about the love. I think it is how they express love and it makes them happy when people are impressed and then we all get along better. The holiday was great because they spent money like water and everyone was impressed and so they were in an incredible mood and very nice to us, very warm. Its very painful to think of them as cold but they are. I want to think they love me. I was abused (not sexually) by a family member they left me with for a long period when i was a young child and as a result became quite mentally unwell as a young teen and they simply didnt want to know at the time. I left home as a result and i was very angry at them for a while. I worked hard to get over that anger because i saw it was pointless. They arent malicious and they just werent very good at handling it is all. I do love them and want a relationship with them but it is like they ignore anything difficult or any sort of wrong doing on their part so its very hard. They tended to blame absolutely everything on me including their own moods and arguments with each other. I dont want them to feel bad but i do want them to acknowledge that taking their shit out on me is not okay. That you cant just completely disregard someones experience and feelings. The money thing is part of that. You cant just be there for someone financially and emotionally when its fun....... They just clear off if its difficult or boring or theres nothing in it for them.

Sorry for ranting on about this!! Its just everytime this happens it makes me think of all of this and makes me depressed.

Someone who promises things but never delivers is so annoying. Eventually, you become annoyed with yourself for getting caught up in the moment and actually believing they will have honour the promise. To bail out on offering you a house and paying for your honeymoon at the last minute is really mean of spirit.

I don't think you sound entitled or immature. But I do think you have to step away and call then out on their behaviour
When your FIL said can use the money we gave on holiday, you should have replied. ''Too late, the money was spent on the the actual holiday, you should have said at the if I was to buy DS a birthday present with it' They won't like it but they cannot pull the rug from underneath you all the time. I agree with the others that they are using money to control you. You must stand up to them as rhey will soon be doing this to your child. When they next ask what did you get him for his birthday from us reply 'I didn't, as the money was spent on the holiday as you suggested when you gave it to us'. If they start promising things smile, and dismiss it unless it actually arrives. Stop letting by yourself be disappointed by their poor behaviour.

Can you suggest meeting up without money being involved. Can they come to your for a BBQ. Cheap enough and you can borrow or build a BBQ (pintrest). Go for a walk in a park. Invite them for lunch. Do not agree to meet them where you will be made to feel beholden and they have to pay. It's about taking back control OP.

Good luck OP

OP, what do you think about deckoff's 'script' for handling your parents' future invitations/offers of money? Do you think you can do that?

cromwell they cant stay in our house its too small is the thing and i dont think they would anyway. They stayed once in our old house which was bigger and they hated it.
They live in southern Italy so getting to them cost a lot of money. We have been to stay with them but the problem is they dont cook at all and wont eat my cooking so we are always going out. So its always a big expensive event whoever visits who.
Id love it if they were nearby and we could just meet up for a coffee or they could come to the park with my son. But obviously as they live so far away it is always a long period of time they want to stay for so the difference in lifestyles does become more of an issue.
So altho Deckoffs 'script' looks sound im not sure it would work in this instance

But you can't afford 'big expensive events' can you, OP? So if you want not to be beholden to them for financing you for visits/holidays/meals out, or disappointed when they suddenly withdraw financing, then you have to find a way of refusing their money and deflecting to what you do want, which is for them to have a nicer relationship with you and their grandson, where you get to call the shots more about what you do.

What do they do when they come and stay in the UK if they don't stay with you? - a hotel? another relative's house? I don't see why, when they visit, you can't bat aside invitations to join them on expensive restaurant meals/outings with counter offers for them to join you. I think deckoff's ideas would work perfectly in this circumstance.

they usually rent a place via airbnb etc they dont really have any other family here they get on with.
We can try of course and i suppose we will have to!!! I just cant see my parents sat in spoons lol! I do try and get them to do stuff we could afford when they are here but it does usually result in me just doing it alone with my son and husband.

Well, then they've made their choice haven't they? You've kept your end of the bargain up by inviting them, and if they choose to do something different, then they have isolated themselves from you, not the other way around. I can see it's very hard to break patterns, but you are tired of being jerked around on the end of their chain, aren't you? and want to do something different in future. So, deckoff's suggestions (PRACTICE THEM!) are really useful in this context.

I think there is a difference between parents funding treats for their adult DC, such as meals and holidays if they have invited you as their guests, and giving you actual money and/or subsidising your everyday lifestyle.

It's natural for many parents to still want to spoil their children, even when they are adults, and also grandchildren a bit, and I don't see anything wrong in that. Just accept graciously but don't rely on them to prop up your lifestyle generally. If you are happy as you are, then fine, but if you aspire to more for you and your family, you need to earn it for yourself, as I am assuming your parents did.

I'm going to be blunt here.

You need to try saying no and being strong and not backing down.

I know it's difficult and horrible and completely out of your comfort zone. But if you carry on doing as you've always done you're always going to get the same result. You know what that is the definition of, don't you?

Please, you sound so miserable. But it's within your power to change this. Trust me, I know how bloody difficult it is to change your responses. But you really need to. You can be happier than this.

They are controlling you with money. The only way is to refuse any other handouts from them, as otherwise they will keep doing this to you.

My parents are controlling with money and I haven't taken a penny from them since I was 16.

they dont really have any other family here they get on with

Might it be fruitful to think about why this is? Are there other family members who have also got fed up with their behaviour around extravagance and control? If so, how did that story go. How did the family member resolve the situation?

I really sympathise, OP, more perhaps than my previous post expressed. I had a parent with issues around control and manipulation, which manifested themselves in various ways but one of those was money. It is all very well for people to say, grow up and just don't take the money, but the money is part of a complex set of behaviours and habits which together form a vicious circle. It's exhausting dealing with a parent like this. Refusing money causes a huge drama that plays out in terms of offence and rejection and uses weapons like guilt and duty. It is so much easier to take the money - that is, until whatever comes attached to the money comes home to roost. I'll say it again - this is NOT about money, it's about control. PP accusing you of being only too happy to enjoy the money imo have no experience of a parent like this.

My advice? I'm sorry, but my solution was to go NC with my parent. It wasn't just the money thing - there was much, much more to it, and things escalated over more years than I care to count. But ultimately, it was the fact that the control issues started to be repeated in the next generation (i.e. my parent was trying to manipulate my DCs) that hardened my resolve. I would heartily recommend not letting things get that far.

Oh, and I would own your anger about the way you were treated as a teenager. imo deciding you'd rather let it go in order to be 'close' to them is a lie to yourself, given that the closeness is still conditional on your handing all control of the relationship over to them.

As Annelliot says, stop accepting money from them and they can't control you. Be independent in the knowledge that eventually you will inherit their wealth.

llangennith, are you saying don't worry about getting their money now, just wait for them to die and you will get it then? If so, that's not a very nice attitude to have. Anyway, what if their money needs to go on care or they leave their money elsewhere?

Yesterday 14:33 harshbuttrue1980

You sound like a grasping child. You need to stop sticking your hand out to spend someone else's hard-earned money. If I was your parents, I would be frustrated with you, and that's probably why they then decide not to give you anything. Work more hours, retrain, move to a cheaper area, lower your expectations etc. Its wrong to expect someone else to fund the luxury life you think you are entitled to have - like the rest of us, you are entitled to nothing you haven't worked for.

This

Stop taking and talking about money with them, control your own finiances.

My mum does this, she promises things to me and the kids but they never materialise. I quickly learned to just take it all with pinch of salt. (harder when she promises things to the kids though) The worst thing is she gives so much to my sibling and absolutely nothing to me. But it is up to her what she does with her money, and I actually love not being beholden to her, my sibling must have low self esteem to still be so looked after by our mum. I have stood on my own two feet all my adult life and that is a better feeling.

I remember your last thread, your parents were being awful. I remember thinking at the time it was like they were taunting you with the money, letting you get excited about getting a house and then not giving you it after all.