My partner and I have been together for nearly six years so inevitably marriage has come up a few times. He has never been that bothered either way about it but knows I would like to and I know he had come round to liking the idea too. I've always said I wouldn't change my name, we have talked about it extensively and he said he didn't care. In fact a few times he said he liked that I felt that strongly about it. He respected it.
The other day we were with my family and I told them this. They seemed surprised but asked a few questions and left it. That night my mum had a few drinks and took my partner aside to talk to him about it and went off on one. Said that it is wrong and is not how it is done and that it won't be a real marriage. That tradition is too important. She said that if I didn't change my name what's the point in marrying at all. That he should object to my decision. She added that my dad was going to have words with him about it.
This has freaked him out. Now he is asking if we should marry at all seeing as he isn't that bothered about it and I don't feel strongly about doing the whole thing in the traditional way either. He isn't saying anything super strongly, just airing his concerns that have been built up by my mother.
AIBU to be furious at my parents about this? Particularly my mum. We have always had a good relationship. And they aren't old fashioned so I'm gobsmacked at their reaction. I am just so so angry that she thought it ok to try and manage and manipulate me in this way. Rather than ask me why I have made that decision and then tell me her feelings on it she has chosen instead to talk to my bf behind my back in an attempt to force me to change my name sneakily. I'm 28 and have done pretty well. I've always been very sensible (possibly even boring) and they have never had a reason to doubt my judgement. Or to question my choices/lifestyle. I feel that as an adult I have earned their respect, even if they still think of me as their kid. Mum's decision to try and influence me this way rather than actually talk to me feels like a bit of a slap in the face.
My mum also told my bf exactly where my wedding is going to be and everything, I haven't heard anything about any of it! All totally decided.
Now my bf and I will talk more about it because we communicate really well. So I'm not worried about him so much. But what do I do? He doesn't want to damage his relationship with his mother in law by me getting mad at her, although he agrees with me that she was being underhanded. He doesn't want to look like a snitch.
But I can't get it out my head to be honest. I'm upset and I can't help it. I'm shocked that something I thought was entirely my decision and of no real consequence to anyone other than me and my partner would anger them so much.