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AIBU?

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Original poster

To agree to go on a date with this co worker...and then not turn up

126 replies

chloerae · 01/06/2017 21:55

I've spent an entire year putting up with the most annoying co worker in the history of the world. Spent all his time flirting with me (well at me|) I never flirted but he still continued. After a few weeks he then decided he hated me and would tell me how much hotter my work colleagues were than me, make fun of my clothes, my work, my friends, my accent. You name it, he found fault with it. He had a group of stupid women who would follow him around everywhere, feeding his ego and telling him how handsome he is. There were about 9 women in the building that fancied him and would give him tonnes of attention and tried desperately for him to ask them out.

He'd enjoy standing at my desk and informing me about all the co workers he'd shagged, how everyone fancies him, how he's been promoted and how many press ups he'd done at the gym. He would find someone from his harem to flirt with in front of my desk every single day.

He told everyone he didn't like me. I was weird. He didn't fancy me. I was eccentric and 'freaked him out'. His little harem would laugh when he made fun of me. He'd do it in front of my desk so I couldn't walk away. He'd literally put me down in front of his entire group of admirers.

The reality is, he fancied me rotten. Wasn't remotely interested in any of his little harem and only used them to get my attention. Only unfortunately for him I'm wasn't interested. I didn't make a formal complaint as I knew I would be leaving and it didn't really bother me. I think everyone deep down knew he fancied me.

It was my last day in work today and he finally put his pride to one side and sent me an email apologising for his behaviour and asking if I'd like to go for a meal with him and he mentioned this specific place. If I wanted to he'd book it in advance as there's a package with a show and evening meal included.

I've looked online and it costs £200 per person!

I'd rather slit my throat than go for a meal with him. But would I be intrinsically evil to agree to the date....and just not turn up Grin

I'm so tempted. Would it be really, really mean?

OP posts:
EZA15 · 01/06/2017 22:17

I love Jengnr's suggestion! Please do it!

Xmasbaby11 · 01/06/2017 22:17

No, just say no, and remind him how awful his behaviour has been. Don't even give him the temporary satisfaction of thinking his behaviour has paid off. He sounds absolutely vile.

Sara107 · 01/06/2017 22:25

I can't imagine the office environment where this behaviour was going on for a year. Why on earth did you not put in a formal complaint? Even if you were leaving. Just turn him down and walk away from it now, if his behaviour didn't bother you enough to make a complaint then just let it go.

WinBigly · 01/06/2017 22:25

How do you know it's not just a wind-up to make you look foolish in front of his "harem"? When you reply 'yes' he might just laugh at you and say he can;t believe you really thought he fancied you Confused

Just reply no thanks and move on.

CoolCarrie · 01/06/2017 22:30

Accept the apology and decline the date, keep it formal, don't lower yourself to his level, and move on.

HappyFlappy · 01/06/2017 22:38

I like Jengr's suggestion, too. But reply to him first as Robin has suggested, and then send your reply, with his invitation, as Jengr suggests.

Brogadoccio · 01/06/2017 22:45

I think the best way to teach him that he's a dick head is to react very calmly and say ''no thank you''.

He knows he's been a dick head to you. If he learns from this he might be less of a dick head the next time he wants to win a woman over he might try getting to know her or something like that...........

ShoesHaveSouls · 01/06/2017 22:50

The paranoid part of me would be thinking along WinBigly's lines I'm afraid.

Keep your dignity, decline the date. Move on.

Ethylred · 01/06/2017 22:53

Ok here is the obvious bit.

Decline this invitation. Do not accept it with the intention of standing him up. Just because human beings do not do that.

And do not leave a paper trail; how could that ever do you any good?

EZA15 · 01/06/2017 23:04

I didn't see Robin's post but completely agree with HappyFlappy in Robin's reply first then Jengnr's

AlecTrevelyan006 · 01/06/2017 23:09

In the infamous words of Zammo, 'Just say no'.

SparklyUnicornPoo · 01/06/2017 23:16

I think you need to forward it to management, because you are right, he does need to learn a lesson, and while you are out of it and hopefully never have to see him again the chances are there will be another colleague he takes a shine to at some point and she might be far more bothered by it than you are.

user1491572121 · 01/06/2017 23:26

So he's sexually harrassed you for a year and instead of reporting him you'd do this?

Weird and unreasonable.

user1492958275 · 01/06/2017 23:30

You both sound a lovely match.

I hope it isn't a cruel joke between him and others at your expense.

I would assume he thinks you fancy him to go through all this effort.

You assume he fancies you and is going through the effort for you.

What if, really, you both just dislike each other and pick up on what the other is doing 24/7 because you dislike each other?

I wouldn't risk the embarrassment for either of you, to be honest. Besides if he really does fancy you like you think, it'll hurt his ego so much more to know you've ignored his call for a date. No one else but you will know you've stood him up, he can say whatever he wants to everyone else at work.

That could be even more awkward.

Lasagnabreath · 01/06/2017 23:35

I think it's quite petty no matter how good the feeling would be, and I understand why you want to. I'd advise against it while you have complete moral high ground. Relish in the fact you're coming out with your pride in tact.

TeslasDeathRay · 01/06/2017 23:36

I totally understand why you want vindication. I personally don't think it's unjustified. But, he could turn this around to humiliate you and make it seem like you actually wanted to meet him. He'll be the only one that knows you didn't go. He's not going to tell people you stood him up.

SweetLuck · 01/06/2017 23:37

The fact that you are wanting to engage with his game playing is making me think that part of you does fancy him.

Foxysoxy01 · 01/06/2017 23:39

Borderline psycho behaviour from you to have put up with his obviously strange and bullying behaviour for a year without telling management then to go and stand him up while maniacally laughing as you imagine him waiting for you!

Can you see how you have handled his attitude and behaviour wrongly for the whole time you were working together and it will make you just as hideous, if not more so than him to deliberately stand him up whilst wasting £200 of his money! you have no idea if he is hard up or not and if £200 is a lot to him. It's also really cruel to deliberately make another person feel sad, hurt and embarrassed.

LauderSyme · 01/06/2017 23:44

He's an immature dick: you don't have to be one too.

Yes it would be mean, and sly, and passive aggressive.

Like others, I am wondering why the hell you didn't take your well-founded grievances over his behaviour to management or HR? Why didn't you call him out on it? Why can't you now? Tell him publicly to his face how badly he has behaved, and that it hasn't exactly wooed you and is why you are declining his invitation.

He was vile, you're right, but standing him up would not teach him a lesson, or stop him doing it to another woman. He would just label you a weirdo bitch.

I think you need to work on your strategies for handling the shit life throws at you, because it sounds like the ones you are choosing are unhealthy and unconstructive.

DoloresTheRunawayTrain · 01/06/2017 23:49

Tell him no. Tell him you are glad he has realised what a knob he has been and you hope the next person he likes he actually approaches with warmth and friendship rather than a barrage of bullying bullshit. Tell him how it may have been possible for you to have been friends when you first joined the team but due to his bullying behaviour any potential for that has been overshadowed by how much of a prick he has been. Let him know that the only reason he isn't looking at a disciplinary hearing from HR is because you knew you were leaving. End with wishing him well and reminding him that how he treated you is not the way you treat anybody, let alone someone you would like to know better.

AteRiri · 01/06/2017 23:52

I'd ignore the email.

Blueemeraldagain · 01/06/2017 23:53

I wouldn't put it past him to tell you a time/date etc but not make a booking hoping you will show up and make a fool of yourself.

I understand your temptation but I really wouldn't.

MiddleClassProblem · 01/06/2017 23:57

Totally can see him showing people the email of you accepting as proof you went and telling everyone he shagged you but you were shit.

Just say no. Or "really? I thought you thought I was a freak etc. I think I'll pass" if you want to have a dig.

AteRiri · 02/06/2017 00:00

I think this is his last attempt at making a fool out of you.

StopHammerTime · 02/06/2017 00:04

Just reply saying "No as you are utterly repellent and have harassed me throughout my employment here. I'm keeping a copy of your email and my reply and will forward it to your harem and management should you ever bother me or say anything derogatory about me again. You and your behaviour disgust me".