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AIBU?

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Original poster

To go to a private health club swimming pool, and whilst getting dressed a nine yr old boy walks in with his mother!!!

113 replies

bubblicious · 18/03/2007 18:06

What makes it even worse that he goes to the school where I work!

Just wondered as I have 3DDs so it has never been an issue for me, at what age is it reasonable for a child to get changed in the right changing room! (this swimming pool has separate changing rooms!

I have to say Im not a prude but there are only 2 changing cubicles!

OP posts:
zookeeper · 19/03/2007 07:58

male public toilets are a no- no - still laugh at the look of horror on my DP's face when he emerged from the toilets in Bristol Templemeads. "What's the matter?" I asked "someone just asked me if I wanted a blow-job" was the horrified reply

Nearly fell into the path of a train i was laughing so much

He was 39 and a half at the time...

steinermum · 19/03/2007 12:05

OK well you've all freaked me out now but I would like to pose my questions again so that I can decide what to do before the swimming lesson on Wednesday.

  1. Those of you who let their boys change in the mens changing rooms - have you broached the subject of paedophiles with them and if so, how?
  2. Those of you who won't let your boys on their own in the male changing room, do you have a concrete reason not to (apart from them being slow or losing things) or is it through a more general fear of paedophiles?
tigermoth · 19/03/2007 12:14

When my oldest son first started to change in mens changing rooms alone, I think around age 9/10, I did broach the subject of paedophiles, but as we usually we went to family changing rooms at our local pool it was not an issue.

I simply told him not to talk to any other men, not to create a fuss, play around, keep the cubicle closed till he was dressed etc and to be as quick as possible. And of course, not to lose stuff - by far the biggest risk!!

He already knew rules about 'stranger danger' from playing out in the street so the same rules applied to the changing room. He knew that if a stanger approached him saying there was a crisis (apparently a common paedophile ploy) and they needed his help to be suspicious, never to go off with them and to tell them to find an adult to help. He also knew to shout if he felt threatend by another adult.

He never to my knowledge has had a bad experience in a male loo or changing room, but as he doens't like swimming, he hasn't been to a pool for ages (he is now 12 years old).

onlyjoking9329 · 19/03/2007 12:18

well my DS is almost 10, we only have one family changing room and it is always in use, i take him in the ladies and do the same in public toilets too, we have had a few dirty looks from other people in the changing rooms but i just ignore them, i will continue to take DS into the ladies as i can't really let him go into the mens on his own.

mumblechum · 19/03/2007 12:23

I've let my son get changed in the men's since he was about 7 or 8 (sorry, he's 12 now, I can't remember exactly.

Usually, if I take him, I also take one of his friends as well, so I think there's safety in numbers.

Yes, we had the paedophile talk. If he was by himself, he'd go to a cubicle, get changed then meet me outside the changing room.

He was approached by a weirdo in a loo in Heathrow about a year ago. His dad luckily walked in just a couple of seconds later and the weirdo walked off. It wasn't that dramatic, apparently the guy came and stood next to him at the urinal and said happy Christmas, but according to my dh, he had his hand in his trouser pocket and was scrabbling away. My dh took my ds out and I don't think he was any the wiser. It does make me think twice now about loos, changing rooms etc, but he sure as hell isn't going to agree to go into the ladies with me now he's 12!

Ladymuck · 19/03/2007 13:31

Onlyjoking - what age will you let him go into the mens changig room/toilet? Presumably he doesn't go out by himself yet, but what will you expect him to do them?

Gobbledigook · 19/03/2007 13:34

It wouldn't bother me anyway. So what if he saw my boobs and arse? Nothing strange about them. I'm just not hung up about this type of thing.

Gobbledigook · 19/03/2007 13:35

Last summer someone complained about me and my friends taking our boys in the female changing rooms. We told them to bugger off - our eldest boy was 5, the rest were 4, 3 and 2. LIke they are interested in some old woman's saggy boobs!

onlyjoking9329 · 19/03/2007 16:53

well ladymuck DS is very unlikely to be able to go out on his own anywhere really, he has autism, knows no fear has no road sense or awareness of strangers, not sure what i will do to be honest when he gets older/bigger, we do sometimes use the disabled loos.

staceym11 · 19/03/2007 17:30

but its different with SN children, they cannot go into a changing room/loo on their own, people should accept that. (directed to onlyjoking about peoples dodgy looks)

as for a 9 yo i dont know, its depends, my BIL at 9 (hes now 13) would have been a perv (hes jsut a bit like that) so should have been in the mens, but my cousin at 9 (now 15) was very sensitive and dint like to be on his own, so would have needed some help and reassurance. it honestly depends on the child and il have to wait till my ds is that age to guage how il feel about it!

PeachyClair · 19/03/2007 17:37

Well I couldn't let my son change on his own- yes he is SN but you couldn't know that by looing

Last time he went alone into a changing room (disabled- I had to get the other 2 boys changed) some shildren came in and smashed his head on the equipment, left him injured. That could also happen in a mens changing room. To any small child. Although the excuse given was 'you don't look dissabled you shouldn't be here- thud'

If I can't supervise him then none of us can go any more- no-one hurts my boy

Caligula · 19/03/2007 17:43

Agree with Gobbledigook. TBH I think the English in general are incredibly uptight about nakedness. A nine year old is still a child. OK it's embarrassing that you know him. But if you didn't, would you still be embarrassed?

I think I've been permanently scarred by living in Germany where we used to sunbathe naked on our roof-garden and swim naked in the lakes. I just think all changing rooms should probably be mixed and we should let it all hang out. It would remind us all how revolting most other people are, and cheer us all up about ourselves.

There is no way I'd let my DS go by himself into a man's changing room at the age of 8 or even 9 probably. I don't think there are paedophiles on every corner either, but changing rooms, like loos, are well known places for child-hunting for paedophiles. It's bloody ridiculous to put prudishness above child safety. Agree that family changing facilities are the way forward.

Twinkie1 · 19/03/2007 17:49

At 9 I am not sure - would you be comfortable with him going alone (if he were your son) into mens changing rooms not knowing the sort of person that is in there - 9 is still awfully young if somone tried to take advantage of him would he be able to react and get out of there - I think I would take DS in with me at 9 if there were no family changing rooms.

PeachyClair · 19/03/2007 17:51

Actually until DS was attacked he alwys went into toilets etc alone- as someone with AS the signs or toilet doors stating gender are strict rules for him. Now I am terrified if I have to let him go into a toilet alone.

I wouldn't suggest anyone risk it, personally.

staceym11 · 19/03/2007 18:03

PC thats horrible your poor little boy!

Original poster
bubblicious · 19/03/2007 20:36

Wallace thanks for your comment it made me laugh- oh and by the way I dont have a size DDs for a bra fiting!!!!

I was just caught off guard what with seeing a child who does attend the school I work at, and know the boy well! it just got me thinking when was the cut off point for DC to accompany mothers into changingroom. sorry if it offends anyone!

OP posts:
Lovecat · 19/03/2007 21:55

I've been in a pool changing room when someone came in with 2 boys, about 7 or 8, and the boys just stood there and LEERED at the semi-naked women (definitely leering, sniggering, commenting, pointing at boobs etc) and most of the women in there felt very aggrieved at the mother/carer, who didn't seem to feel there was anything untoward about her two proto-pervs' behaviour at all. So I'm not sure I agree that youngish children are too young to take notice of naked females!

Of course not all children are like this (please God!) and I do understand that if you're on your own with a male child it must be godawful to have to send them off into another changing room on their own, but I think there's definitely an argument for family changing rooms or, as another poster has mentioned, family 'areas' of changing rooms.

And I do agree with Caligula, if we weren't so hung up about our bodies in the UK then there wouldn't be all the pointing and giggling on the part of the children and there wouldn't be the awkwardness on the part of the grownups in the first place...

steinermum · 19/03/2007 23:02

Lovecat - my 7 year old wouldn't point or leer (as he knows I'd be mad if he did), but he would DEFINITELY not be oblivious to the 'naked boobies' I think it would be uncomfortable for all concerned and that is why he is adamant about going to the mens' changing rooms. Having said that, I will have a fresh pep talk about stranger danger with both sons before swimming on Wednesday.

Original poster
bubblicious · 19/03/2007 23:25

Why is this such a awkward situation!!!!!!

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 19/03/2007 23:54

Luckily dh now takes my older boys swimming. There's no cut-off age in our gym but nor are there private cubicles. I would feel very uncomfortable letting them into the mens changing rooms on their own even though they are now 8 and 10. I think, if someone were a paedophile, a gym changing room would be an ideal place to hang out.

nally · 19/03/2007 23:59

i don't think you are being unreasonable. i know a 9 year old boy who draws boobs on every picture of a female he finds in magazines!!!

tigermoth · 20/03/2007 00:09

I am really saddened to see the phrase 'proto-perv' applied to 7 or 8 year old boys. I am not saying they weren't being badly behaved in a 7 year old boy kind of way. The mother should have stopped it - I agree.

I agree lovecat that that children of any age might comment and stare at naked bodies -and sometimes it goes to far and becomes bad manners. But that phrse and what it means just leapt out at me

If those two giggling, pointing children had been girls, would you have said they were proto tarts, dykes, nymphos or whatever adult sexual connotation came to mind?

bozza · 20/03/2007 09:15

My 2yo DD has been rather embarassing at times (not recently) staring at the over 50s ladies getting changed after their session which was before the parent and child. I used to aim for distraction. I would go for a quick hiss in the ear if 6yo DS tried the same thing.

steinermum · 20/03/2007 09:34

I agree with Tigermoth. It is not the fault of children that they are exposed to sexual imagery at an ever earlier age, no matter how much we try to shield them. 'Proto-perv' is well harsh.

Caligula · 20/03/2007 13:37

It's precisely because the only time naked bodies are shown to children, is in a soft-porn, sexualised environment (like the Sun for example - those two kids possibly had been exposed to that image of nakedness for years) that some seven year olds would behave like that (possibly also out of embarrassment and bravado).

The more normal nakedness is, the less shrieking and pointing there is to do.

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