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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should let me drive for once?

138 replies

Diam0nd7 · 31/05/2017 18:10

Will your DH ever let you drive a car if he is a passenger in it? Even though DH currently has his hand in a hard plastic support due to two broken fingers (so I have been offering to drive recently), he still refuses to be a passenger if I'm driving. I've realised today this has been going on as long as I've known him, but I never really thought about it until now. I've been driving for about 20 years, but I don't think I've ever had him as a passenger. I drive the kids all over London every day and am hardly a nervous driver. I have also had less scrapes than him over the years. AIBU to think this he is BU about this?

OP posts:
Bluebell9 · 01/06/2017 14:15

We share the driving. If we take his car, he drives and if we take mine, I drive. We do drive each others cars too but generally, who is driving dictates which car we take.
On long journeys, we share the driving equally.

Kokusai · 01/06/2017 14:22

We share the driving. We only have one car and it's my car, but if we are going somewhere we split the driving.

Ceto · 01/06/2017 14:27

So does he assume he's going to drive when you're using your car? I would simply hang on to the keys and firmly get into the driving seat with no discussion.

If he's driving with his hand in a splint, has he checked the position with his insurers? I was advised to do that when I broke only one finger.

Naicehamshop · 01/06/2017 14:29

Don't let him treat you like this, op! Stand up for yourself, for God's sake!

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/06/2017 15:17

It's not just you. I sometimes pick DH up from work. I like driving and am better at it than 90% of the men I see and DH isn't bothered. As I wait for him I see lots of women pulling up to get their DH, getting out of the driver's seat and getting in the passenger. Utter sexist madness.

MissBax · 01/06/2017 15:23

I've gotta admit, I hate OH driving as I'm not a good passenger and get easily stressed (i know it's silly). I wouldn't just assume it's cos you're a woman, unless your DH displays other misogynistic behaviour?? He could just be a control freak like me haha

Original poster
Diam0nd7 · 01/06/2017 15:30

I admit if I ever was to pick him up from a station or something, I would get out and he would then he would drive back. I don't know why it's only just struck me now.
He definitely doesnt see himself as a chauvinist. He would not accept that if it was levelled at him. He's quite traditional in some ways, but you get used to the way people are in a relationship. Mostly, I just carry on regardless.

OP posts:
MabelTheCow · 01/06/2017 15:34

I hate driving DP. He gets very travel sick and so makes funny noises and sometimes goes a bit green. He prefers if we take turns but unless there is a good reason to, I make him drive.

NellieFiveBellies · 01/06/2017 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PaintingByNumbers · 01/06/2017 15:42

thats really odd to get out at the train station to let him drive. honestly, is it still the 1950s?

BertrandRussell · 01/06/2017 15:48

"thats really odd to get out at the train station to let him drive. honestly, is it still the 1950s?"

I do this when dp's back's bad and we're going more than a coup of miles, because driving hurts less than being a passenger. I want to put a neon sign on the side of the car explaining, though. Or put a bag in my head.........

PaintingByNumbers · 01/06/2017 15:56
Grin
shesabrick · 01/06/2017 17:20

The car park picking up thing Shock. It just wouldn't occur to me to move seats. Unless I'd had a really long drive to get to the station.

OP please tell us you are going to ether raise this for mature discussion or push back against it. If your DH is otherwise a decent bloke perhaps it just is a case of how he was brought up and habit, but if not it's worrying.

NavyandWhite · 01/06/2017 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Diam0nd7 · 01/06/2017 17:49

shesabrick - As I say, I have to pick my battles, the current one being, "Stop calling me from all corners of the house every time you can't instantly find your phone /cufflinks/ shoes/ whatever as I am not the oracle of all misplaced items". Also I'm in the midst of the, "Wash your own smelly sports kits and stop expecting me to have it clean and packed as and when" and "If you're hungry, there is the fridge" battles. That's just a few current issues, but hopefully you get the idea. Hmm

OP posts:
wrenika · 01/06/2017 17:57

Fortunately my OH doesn't drive and does care in the slightest about being driven around by a woman. I drive and he's in charge of the music!

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/06/2017 17:58

Those problems all sound a bit wifework. And you say he doesn't thing he's a chauvinist. Hmm.

BetterEatCheese · 01/06/2017 18:00

My dp is frequently my passenger but it such a backseat driver, I hate it. He flaps his arms and tells me to 'watch out' when there is a hazard 100m away. I ask him kindly to be quiet or sit in the back

BitOutOfPractice · 01/06/2017 18:03

We fight to be the one who doesn't drive so that we can have a drink Blush Not on a Saturday morning on the way to the supermarket you understand. Just if we are going out.

Does he feel it emasculates him to be driven by a woman?

Original poster
Diam0nd7 · 01/06/2017 18:07

BitOut - yes I reckon that's what he must think, though he would never admit it. He would just say I'm making a fuss.

OP posts:
NoLoveofMine · 01/06/2017 18:19

He definitely doesnt see himself as a chauvinist. He would not accept that if it was levelled at him.

He is one. Whether he'd accept it or not (I'm sure he wouldn't, especially if labelled one by a woman) is irrelevant.

He expects you to drop everything to locate items he's misplaced, put his things in the washing and supply meals whenever he's hungry yet won't accept you driving him (and thinks he has the right to dictate under what circumstances you drive). He then gets irritable when you challenge him on anything. "Traditional" is one way of putting it, I can think of others.

indaba · 01/06/2017 18:24

Your husbands attitude is really common. Annoyingly I can't remember the exact statistics but basically it was something like "if there are two sexes in the car there is a 90% or more chance the man will be driving". Remember hearing it and checking it out in RL on the motor way for weeks afterwards. Didn't see a woman driving (were there a man travelling too) for days.

Emboo19 · 01/06/2017 18:53

My grandparents are like this, my grandma drives perfectly well, as her own car. But if they go anywhere together my grandad drives, even one Xmas when gm wasn't drinking, she didn't drive so gd could have a drink. I don't know if she won't drive if he's with her or he doesn't like it, when I've asked gm she say's it's just what we do!

I'm not insured on my bf's car, as they wouldn't add me (insurance company, not bf) and his car is bigger so he does drive us as a family more, but if we use my car I tend to drive and he's always asking for a lift if he's going to the pub! And he never does the telling me what to do! In fact after I first passed I asked him to park for me as it was a dodgy spot and he very nicely said 'no, just take your time and figure it out, you're more than capable' very glad he did as it's somewhere I needed to park a fair bit and before that I'd been avoiding it.

NoLoveofMine · 01/06/2017 18:57

No way I'd ever give anyone a lift to the pub. How on Earth would I get back?

justkeepswimmingg · 01/06/2017 19:01

My DH hates being driven around. I have got so used to driving, that it's weird to be the passenger. Me and DH aren't in the car at the same time very often though. Although when we are he is the one to drive, as he hates being the passenger. I've picked him up from the train station once, and drove us home (he had been drinking, but would have probably asked to drive otherwise!). I think it's a 'man' thing, and they feel slightly emasculated.