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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this the most stupid parent ever?

169 replies

Booboostwo · 30/05/2017 20:09

Beat this one if you can.

DD has a best friend at school. We often invite the little girl and her parents reciprocate. The first time DD was to be driven by the friend's mum I asked if they needed to take DD's car seat, but the mum said that it was not needed as she had a lot of spare ones.

DD came back from that visit saying that the friend's mum had not strapped her into the car seat but DD was 4yo at the time and I put it down to DD making up stories. DD was driven twice more each time saying she had not been strapped in which got me a bit worried.

The friend had picked up her DD the other day and we were chatting to them while they were both in the car. The friend was not strapped in as she was standing up and showing DD something out of the window. The friend sat back down in her seat and the mum went to drive off, so I said 'oh be careful she doesn't have her seat belt on', to which the mum replied 'It's OK she's sitting in her car seat'.

Is this the world's stupidest parent? Does she really think that the seat itself somehow magically keeps a child safe in case of an accident? Or am I even more stupid for entrusting my DD to this woman?

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 31/05/2017 11:10

I guess, in the 'olden days' there were less cars on the road so less chance of a crash? Plus we didn't have the legislation...

My HV sister in law used to have scary tales of visiting new mums and their babies and some of the incredible things she saw (new babies propped up with bottles of tea, babies given a Mars Bar dummy to stop them crying etc) but this was down to lack of education rather than outright stupidity, I think.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 31/05/2017 11:12

Have told this before, but, many yearsago, an aquaintence pulled over to speak to me at the side of the road, with his 18 month old child sitting in the passenger seat, at the front, unbelted. I was horrified and pointed it out to him, to which he replied he only lived half a mile away and would be fine.

The stupid thing is that yes, he did only live at the end of the road but he'd never walk it himself as the road was really windy, single-track with passing places and cars were liable to come down it far too fast, so he didn't feel safe walking along it so would walk over the field next to it. But despite this he felt it was perfectly safe to drive up the road with his toddler unstrapped in the car.

Utter stupidity.

He did buckle his child up since I refused to leave my position of leaning through the window into the car until he had done so, but I dread to think how often he drove like that.

itsonlysubterfuge · 31/05/2017 11:18

I also think you are a bit stupid for not believing your DD the first time.

ptumbi · 31/05/2017 11:35

I went out with a friend with her dd aged only weeks old to a restaurant for dinner once. The child was in a Moses basket in the back of the Range Rover (serious money - their house had grounds, and a swimming pool, and tennis courts..) but not strapped in. Even the Moses basket was not strapped up. I assume she thought that her money meant that she would never have an accident.

scampimom · 31/05/2017 11:40

Well in recent days my 4 year old has informed me that she doesn't like chocolate, Nana didn't go to the park because of bears, and the mermaid she painted can fly when it's windy. So, sue me, but I don't necessarily believe everything a small child says to me either.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 31/05/2017 11:45

Yes scamp because a child saying they weren't buckled in and a child saying a mermaid can fly definitely come from the same place of imagination..

PainCanBeBeautiful · 31/05/2017 11:45

I don't blame the mum for not believing the child though. It's just your examples are shit.

scampimom · 31/05/2017 11:47

Ooh, alright. Are you sitting on a hedgehog?

PainCanBeBeautiful · 31/05/2017 11:54

Hmm what?

humblesims · 31/05/2017 11:54

Lots of stupid parents out there. I used to know a couple that would put their DC's in the back of their transit strapped into their push chairs wedged between work gear. Another friend of a friend used to breast feed while she was driving. Still cant believe that.

JoandMax · 31/05/2017 11:56

It is obviously a really bad idea but views on car seats are very different in other countries.

I regularly see kids standing up, in the front, never strapped in and even once half out the sunroof! Car seat laws are extremely lax and a lot of nationalities have little to no awareness of how much they can help in a crash.

Plenty of DC friends parents will laugh and tease me as the 'crazy English lady' who always makes mine sit in a seat and strapped in - they happily shove 5/6 children in the back unrestrained! I am slowly persuading them to stop this but it's hard work

Roomba · 31/05/2017 12:04

On holiday in Asia we saw a whole family on a motorbike - Dad with a 4/5 year old balanced on his lap, with Mum breastfeeding the baby sat behind him. Going by the number of shopping bags hanging off the handlebars, they'd just been to the supermarket. Dad had a helmet on but no one else did.

I can't believe how many parents I see outside our school that have young kids bouncing around in the back with no car seat or seatbelt. I suppose it may be difficult to prosecute though (the car seat bit at least) as it is legal to drive without them in an emergency for short, unexpected journeys. I know someone who did get pulled over with his 3 year old not in a car seat, he used this excuse and got away with it. We all knew he did it regularly though.

LagunaBubbles · 31/05/2017 12:07

PainCanBeBeautiful

I haven't read everything yet. I don't understand how she drove off with your daughter unstrapped? Surely you must have helped her into the car and waved her off so you should have noticed

OP clearly states in her first post that it was the friends DD who wasnt strapped in! So friend didnt drive off with OPs DD unstrapped Hmm

contrary13 · 31/05/2017 12:09

21 years ago, my daughter came home from hospital, unstrapped, in a carry cot - also unstrapped, in the backseat of my father's car. This was legal, by the way, at the time. Was I happy with it? No. But it was legally okay, and - to be fair - my father did drive very slowly/carefully that day.

When she was 8 months old, we went out with her godparents for a day - and at the end of it, her godfather had hold of her/said he'd put her in the carseat. He only strapped her bottom half in, had no idea that he needed to put her arms in the harness, too. I only discovered this on a dual carriageway, where I may have yelled a lot about baby safety (actually, there's no "may" about it: I did).

My ex is renowned for not strapping our son/his other, younger, children in to their carseats. To the point where, one morning I watched his mother drive my son/my ex's eldest daughter off, came back into the house and called the NSPCC to report them for the fact that whilst my 9 year old had been strapped in (because I made him put a seatbelt on), his 5 year old sister... wasn't. They had a visit, I'm told, and seatbelt safety was explained to them because, since then, the little ones have been safely secured. And no, I couldn't tell ex's mother about the danger because I've tried. Every time I check my son's seatbelt, she starts on about how her children never needed seatbelts.

And no, my generation didn't have to wear seatbelts. But that didn't mean that we were safe in the event of an accident at all. The reason as to why the law changed was that scientists worked out how dangerous not being strapped in a heavy, quick-moving vehicle actually is. Especially if you're very small/young.

My son has had it drummed into him so many times about seatbelts, though, that he was reaching for them as a 2 year old to make sure he was strapped in. I can't control what my ex does with the children he had with his wife... but I can/do still worry about their safety.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 31/05/2017 12:38

laguna I think you'll find it does.

LagunaBubbles · 31/05/2017 13:52

There is nothing in the OPs post Pain that states friend drove off with OPs DD unstrapped whilst the OP stood there. I suggest you read it again.

The friend had picked up her DD the other day and we were chatting to them while they were both in the car. The friend was not strapped in as she was standing up and showing DD something out of the window. The friend sat back down in her seat and the mum went to drive off, so I said 'oh be careful she doesn't have her seat belt on', to which the mum replied 'It's OK she's sitting in her car seat'

This is referring to the friends DD.

justfun · 31/05/2017 13:58

Compare these two small parenting decisions, each of which increases your child's chance of dying prematurely by a tiny amount:

  • allowing them to travel in a car without being strapped into an approved car seat
  • allowing them to pass a day in which they consume more calories than they burn, and/or do no exercise.

Weird, isn't it, that the first is excoriated, while the second isn't? Roughly twice as many people die of obesity as in car accidents worldwide. In the past, when the first was much more common and the second much less common, were we better off?

PainCanBeBeautiful · 31/05/2017 14:00

Ffs laguna read will you.

"DD came back from that visit saying that the friend's mum had not strapped her into the car seat"

FuzzyPillow · 31/05/2017 14:16

The OP is getting a very hard time for not believing her child! The child is 4 not 14, they're not all reliable!

Booboostwo · 31/05/2017 14:40

The first time my DD went with the friend she was 3yo. I had an emergency doctor's appointment for my younger DC and the friend's mum offered to pick up DD from school so I never saw her get in the car. The 3yo then told me she had not been strapped in, and yes, I did not believe her. She also told me "No Jews allowed in school" which turned out to mean "No jewellery allowed in school", and that an alien visited their school "for real mummy!", so I do take what she says with a pinch of salt.

The second time DD was 4yo and I dropped her off at the friend's house, the friend's mum then drove them both to and from the circus. When DD reported again that there was no seatbelt I got more worried and kept an eye out to see what the mum was doing with her own child.

OP posts:
blubberball · 31/05/2017 14:55

I feel awful, as I once drove home, about a 20 minute journey. When we arrived, I realised that I had forgotten to click my very ds in. He was sitting in the rear facing seat, with the straps around him, but I'd just forgotten to strap him in that day. Thank goodness no harm was done, but I still feel sick at the thought.

blubberball · 31/05/2017 14:55

Sorry, should say baby ds.

ptumbi · 31/05/2017 14:56

I read an article once (by a Times Columnist!) about how he felt his kids should be able to sleep properly in his car on long journeys. He actually really felt that chucking a mattress in the back of his Volvo estate, and pinning his childrens' pyjamas to it would prevent them shooting through the windscreen in an accident.

But, hey, who needs seatbelts? And of course his children should be able to sleep lying down. Saves them from being grumpy the next morning, or getting a stiff neck......

So long as they still have a neck, of course.

BikeRunSki · 31/05/2017 15:22

I decided that my sister was never going to have sole charge of DS ever again when she drove him up mountain roads, in and infant seat, not strapped in. He was 10 months old. She said it was OK, she knew the local chief of police, he always let her off with her own children. I was Shock to say the least. Also rural France!

SwimmingInLemonade · 31/05/2017 15:53

I posted about the gun thing at the time and MN was 50:50 on allowing my DD to visit so I decided to let it go.

I know you probably don't literally mean that you made a decision based entirely on what mumsnetters said, but this made me cringe harder than the seatbelt stuff. A bunch of strangers on the internet can give you a wider view on something, but only you know what your gut is telling you. If you didn't feel comfortable about the guns, you could have stopped your daughter going there. You don't need permission or justification from anyone else.

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