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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not lend DS2 a quid?

108 replies

PhuqIt · 30/05/2017 17:11

DS2 (16) gets £15 pocket money a week. He doesn't work and spends all the money straight away on energy drinks, doritos and cigerettes. Because of this, he then has a habit of asking to "borrow" money in the week so he can go out with friends. I've tried to teach him budgeting skills, advised him to save £5 a week for unexpected invitations etc but he never does.

He's just waited until I got in from work tonight to ask to borrow £1 so he can "get a drink" whilst out with his mate later. Realistically it is probably to buy a cigerette off his mate.

He's been home all day and done nothing at all. Kitchen was a shit tip when I got in and poor dog was locked in kitchen alone as nobody can be arsed with him when me or DH isn't here.

So I know it's only a quid, but AIBU to say "no, sort your act out"?

OP posts:
PrincessPlod · 30/05/2017 19:15

No I'm harsh but you don't learn the value of money until you earn it. To be honest I wouldn't be giving a 16 yr old pocket money surely he could get a paper round especially if he is spending it on fags. Stick to your guns he has £15 for nothing if blows it then tough.

ThePants999 · 30/05/2017 19:23

I think this is the perfect opportunity to teach him a bit about finance. Yeah, he can have an extra quid now, but next week's pocket money will be halved. Hopefully he'll remember that at some point in future when he's considering taking a payday loan.

melj1213 · 30/05/2017 20:35

My brother used to do this and it used to do my head in because it meant that DSis and I were penalised for actually managing our money and DBro was being rewarded for not managing his. We all used to get the same amount of pocket money, £40 deposited into our bank accounts on the 1st of every month ... from that we were to pay for any fun stuff we wanted to do - buses into town (mum refused to play taxi for all three of us if it wasn't an extra curricular or good reason) go for lunch with friends, friends' birthday presents, cinema, shopping, snacks etc - and we could earn extra for doing extra chores around the house, cash in hand.

In reality what would happen is that by mid-month my brother would have spent all of his money and would constantly ask mum for more cash but not want to do any of the chores to earn it ... and invariably he'd get it. EG the icecream van would be in the car park as we were taking the dog for a walk on the beach ... DSis and I would have our pocket money with us to buy our ice-cream DB, on the other hand, would have forgotten his so it would be "Mum, can I borrow £1 for an ice cream pleeeeeeease? I forgot my money but I'll give it to you when get home, I promise!"

Invariably she'd give him the money but then by the time we'd walked the dog, visited grandma, been out for lunch, done the weekly grocery shop and finally got home, that £1 would have been totally forgotten about.

In the end DSis and I got so fed up of constantly being told we were being petty over "the odd 50p" and we were all treated the same, we kept a record for a month: every extra 20p for the bus with his mates because fare was 70p and he only had 50p and a £10 note; every £1 for ice cream; every extra chocolate bar in the shopping basket etc ... all those "odd 20ps" added up to something like an extra £15 over the course of a month and I think even my mum was surprised at just how much extra he was getting and shut it down pretty darn quick after that!

fluffiphlox · 30/05/2017 20:47

I don't think you should be funding a 16 year old's smoking so YANBU.

Voice0fReason · 30/05/2017 23:01

I cannot understand why you are giving your son money to allow him to smoke! He's not even old enough!
£15 per week plus phone plus clothing is insane.
And you haven't taught him to even clear up after himself - if you pick up after him he will never have to do it.
No I wouldn't lend him a pound, but I wouldn't do lots of other things either.

CowParsleyNettle · 30/05/2017 23:07

I would just sing this to him next time he asks to borrow money:

"nah, nah why don't you get a job"

llangennith · 30/05/2017 23:18

There is light at the end of this dark tunnel OP. I'm a lifelong non-smoker and thought my 3 DC were too. It was quite a shock and blow to my ego to find they'd all been smoking since early teens. They each gave up
In their late twenties and are now as sanctimonious as I am about the evils of smoking. Depriving them of cash won't stop bad habits.

Teatimebear · 30/05/2017 23:23

People saying he should get a job - it's pretty rare these days for employers to hire children. Their hours and duties are more restricted legally, it's just not worth it.

Having said that I would have stopped the money all together the minute I knew he was smoking. Let alone the fact he's smoking illegally!

SandyDenny · 30/05/2017 23:31

A 16 year old isn't classed as a child for employment purposes though, in my area there are lots of part time jobs in pubs, restaurants, shops, cafes etc.

OP - is it the same where you are?

Teatimebear · 30/05/2017 23:40

They aren't allowed to serve/sell alcohol, cigarettes etc, which is a faff. Also restrictions under 18 on industries. They do not count as adults they are classed as "young persons".

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/work/young-people/young-people-and-employment/

You must not work:-
during school hours on any school day
for more than two hours on any school day or for more than 12 hours in any week in which you are required to go to school
for more than two hours on a Sunday
for more than eight hours (five hours if you are under 15) on any day which is not a school day or a Sunday
before 7am or after 7pm
for more than 35 hours (25 if you are under the age of 15) in any week in which you are not required to go to school
for more than four hours in any day without a break of one hour
at any time, if during the 12 months beginning 1 January, working means that you have not had two uninterrupted weeks of holiday from school.

Employers want students, or other people who can work all hours and days.

Original poster
PhuqIt · 30/05/2017 23:45

By a strange twist of fate, he's landed himself a few hours work this week for the first time ever I arranged it

He starts tomorrow, hopefully it goes well and he finds the buzz of earning some money inspiring 😁

OP posts:
KC225 · 31/05/2017 01:07

Nice update OP. That's a good start.

melj1213 · 31/05/2017 01:47

A 16 year old isn't classed as a child for employment purposes though, in my area there are lots of part time jobs in pubs, restaurants, shops, cafes etc.

The thing is, they will still have way more restrictions than any other worker and sometimes it's not worth the hassle. When you factor in the extra/longer breaks they're legally required to have, the restrictions on the work they can actually do (eg working in a supermarket but not being able to work on the tills or the bakery or in the warehouse, in a store where every colleague is expected to multiskill or at the very least be able to hop on a till if it's busy and there's queues) and the paperwork involved, a lot of places don't bother trying to recruit 16 yos when there's usually more than enough 18+yo students/unemployed/Zero hours workers who are more than happy to pick up weekend shifts as/when they're needed.

BeetrootPie · 31/05/2017 01:55

When I was a teenager my pocket money was £3! I'm only early 30s. £15 is a lot. He'd have to do his fair share of chores to get that amount from me. At 16 I wasn't getting any pocket money, but instead had a paper round to earn any spending money (£4 a week). Like pp have said, it's the principle. I would no way have lent him the quid, no. He needs to learn some responsibility. Good luck OP Flowers

user1491572121 · 31/05/2017 02:22

I didn't get ANY pocket money at 16. I had a job from 14. Can he look for work?

Pallisers · 31/05/2017 02:42

I wouldn't give him a penny of pocket money until he stopped smoking.

If you feel you have excess money between CM etc just save it - you can give it to him later if you want.

No way would I be handing 15 quid a week over for fags and drinks at that age. No way.

quizqueen · 31/05/2017 02:56

' Never a borrow or a lender be'. That Mr Shakespeare had some good advice. If you give him extra cash, you are teaching him that it's okay to spend all his wages on rubbish when he's older, and then borrow money to get by till the next pay day. I'm with Sirzy. My girls only had £5 pocket money from me and they had to get part time jobs if they wanted more money ( paper rounds/ babysitting).

quizqueen · 31/05/2017 02:57

Sorry, 'borrower'.

BadLad · 31/05/2017 04:55

I agree with ThePants. Charge him high interest. Then he will soon learn why getting into debt is a bad idea.

SandyDenny · 31/05/2017 08:10

Good news on the job Smile

I know all the legislation around working at age 16, if you're going to look at all the things they can't do it's no wonder people grow up workshy.

There are lots of possibilities, my teans have jobs, my friends teens have jobs and I work in place that employs 16 year olds.

Obviously I'm not suggeting that they apply for work behind a bar or on a construction site.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 31/05/2017 13:43

He is legally allowed to smoke so go the posters saying they would stop the money if their child was smoking is ridiculous. You give them money and it becomes theirs you don't get to decide if they spend it good enough for your liking.

I didn't get pocket money growing up and I think 15 would have been enough. It's hard being a kid and always forced to be growing up and getting jobs before you've even finished with education.

I've had my kids because I wanted them not to make their lives miserable. Let kids be kids and relax until their learning is over. Maybe at 17/18 a small part time job can be got (although from my understanding not easy to get these days) but if he chooses to smoke with HIS money I don't see the issue to be honest.

Voice0fReason · 31/05/2017 15:55

@PainCanBeBeautiful it is illegal to sell cigarettes or tobacco to anyone under the age of 18.
If you are giving money to your child and they are spending it on cigarettes, it is perfectly reasonable to stop the money. Someone is breaking the law in supplying him with them.
Would you give your child money if you knew they were spending it on heroin or cocaine?
When they earn their own money, then you have no say, but when you are giving them money, you do.

NellieFiveBellies · 31/05/2017 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 31/05/2017 16:07

It's exactly like porn. They can have sex at 16 but can't watch sex until 18. It's ludicrous and backwards lol.

I'm sorry but I will not compare a cigarette to heroin and cocaine.

Ecstasy or weed etc I don't think I could get to her up about. I may sound awful but I will teach my kids that there is a safe way to do things and a stupid way and to choose wisely. A bit of weed on a weekend is safe. Shooting up heroin is fucking stupid. A pill every now and again at a party with the understand to drink slow and often no problem. Although not at 16. I'd expect at least 18 and if possible wait til 21.

I think I have a relaxed view as did my mum and the result is I don't take drugs never have never will (bar weed but I didn't class that as a drug just a plant that makes you feel good).

Many will not agree with my views and I certainly don't expect you to. So I guess we can drop that there then and get back to the thread.

Sorry to derail.

Voice0fReason · 31/05/2017 16:55

I will teach my kids that there is a safe way to do things and a stupid way and to choose wisely
Can you explain what the safe way is to use cigarettes, please?