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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not lend DS2 a quid?

108 replies

PhuqIt · 30/05/2017 17:11

DS2 (16) gets £15 pocket money a week. He doesn't work and spends all the money straight away on energy drinks, doritos and cigerettes. Because of this, he then has a habit of asking to "borrow" money in the week so he can go out with friends. I've tried to teach him budgeting skills, advised him to save £5 a week for unexpected invitations etc but he never does.

He's just waited until I got in from work tonight to ask to borrow £1 so he can "get a drink" whilst out with his mate later. Realistically it is probably to buy a cigerette off his mate.

He's been home all day and done nothing at all. Kitchen was a shit tip when I got in and poor dog was locked in kitchen alone as nobody can be arsed with him when me or DH isn't here.

So I know it's only a quid, but AIBU to say "no, sort your act out"?

OP posts:
BandeauSally · 30/05/2017 18:01

Are you giving him the child benefit and child mainetnenace on top of paying for his phone, bus ticket and clothes etc?? Shock

In your shoes If you want to continue giving him so much then I would make him pay for his own phone, bus ticket and clothes out of it as well. He's doing bloody well at 16 to have all that paid for him and so much pocket money on top!

Lottielottie42 · 30/05/2017 18:02

My DD is the same I'm so sick of the "everyone else gets £££££ more" "everyone's going to waggamanas tonight apart from me" guilt trips , she also lies in bed all day and spends pocket money on fags (she denies but I've seen them in her bag all the time). Today I gave her extra but in fairness she finally got the hint and cleaned the bathroom, kitchen and hoovered the whole house.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 30/05/2017 18:03

My DS2 is also 16 & gets nowhere near £15 a week. In fact he doesn't get a weekly set amount but does get money if he wants to go to the cinema, meet friends, etc etc. I suppose it works out at about £5-£10 each week.

I'm afraid I knew it was going on cigarettes he wouldn't be getting anything at all. If he chooses to smoke as an adult (although I sincerely hope he doesn't), then that's his business but he's certainly not spending my hard earned cash on it!

Given that, and the complete lack of basic household chores/care for the dog's needs, I would be saying no to the £1 - with knobs on!

SapphireStrange · 30/05/2017 18:04

If he can't handle money despite you giving him support and advice, stop giving it.

Tell him if he cleans up after himself/walks the dog etc, you'll review.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 30/05/2017 18:04

Should read "if I knew it was going on cigarettes"

Greyponcho · 30/05/2017 18:07

I'd agree with Nelliefivebellies about the "lending" becoming "not just handing it over".
And yes to £15 being too much for SFA - doesn't sound as though he's just slackening off chores because it's exam time.

Original poster
PhuqIt · 30/05/2017 18:11

Yes it's complicated. I don't have a good relationship with their father and he winds them up saying stuff like "no wonder your mother can jet off to Dubai when she gets all that money for you and you don't see any of it". DH was getting sick of it being implied that our lifestyle was being funded by my ex and it caused a lot of friction so in the end we decided to just make sure that any money that came in for them actually got spent on them.

OP posts:
HaudYerWheeshtBawbag · 30/05/2017 18:15

Personally I dont think £14 pw is too much, considering the prices of activities nowadays. My 11 year old gets more than this, however this is for activities ie, swimming attraction £12, trampoline park £9.95, football pitch hire £7 etc... he is also in clubs x6 , has mobile phone paid for, clothes paid for etc...

However he does chores for his pocket money, dishes, bedroom, hoover stairs, wash family car, etc... even his 7 year old does his fair share. They are both also expected to work hard at school, and also be polite and considerate boys.

So personally OP I would not be giving him the additional £1, as you are rewarding bad and ill mannered and expectation behaviour.

BandeauSally · 30/05/2017 18:15

Personally I would reverse that decision and put the CM and CB into savings for him. Show him the statement any time he asks so you can show it's being saved and when he wants clothes etc you can give him some.

noova61 · 30/05/2017 18:19

Make him work for his money...we had to, so did my daughter...we were always told "Nothing is for free".
My grandson is 5, he helps to do certain things, like feeding his dog and tidying his bedroom before he gets 50p pocket money....he never spends it..not a penny, it goes in his money box for his holiday money.

noova61 · 30/05/2017 18:21

Sally...the trouble with a savings acct is that legally at 16 he can have access to it and theres nothing his mother can do about it, unless its in an account in her name but to be used for the kids only.

Chocolatecake12 · 30/05/2017 18:21

And don't forget that child maintenance pays for a roof over his head, water, electric and gas. Plus the wifi and sky package if you have it.
Seriously he needs to wake up and realise that money doesn't just get handed over for not pulling your weight. What message are you giving him for the future?

Floralnomad · 30/05/2017 18:25

Why should the OP put the maintenance into saving for them , all that means is that their father has done nothing to support them.

Funnyonion17 · 30/05/2017 18:26

I wouldn't give him it. If I was you I'd try to encourage him into part time work now. I have an ex who's mid 30s now, never had a job and lives off the state and his parents. Refuses to provide anything for his kids and just a drain on society in general. His parents accommodated him way too much, they still do!

slavingaway · 30/05/2017 18:27

YANBU.I was exactly like him as a teen and unfortunately had parents who didn't care, and I feel it has shaped me now. I look back and WISH my parents had cared and been strict with me, I would have hated it at the time of course and played up but yes, don't give in to him, make him sort his shit out if he expects any sort of allowance from you.

BandeauSally · 30/05/2017 18:31

Why should the OP put the maintenance into saving for them , all that means is that their father has done nothing to support them.

Did you read the part where I said if he needs clothes etc OP can give him the money from the account?

BandeauSally · 30/05/2017 18:32

the trouble with a savings acct is that legally at 16 he can have access to it and theres nothing his mother can do about it, unless its in an account in her name but to be used for the kids only.

Yes, I meant in her name.

KC225 · 30/05/2017 18:36

I wouldn't give it to him. We all know, have worked with, have been neighbours or friends with 'can I just borrow?' It's hard to say no but the amounts add up and they never pay it back. They rely on your budget whilst flouting their lack of it. Say no, do not encorage him to be one of those

Poor dog, he needs a serious talking to, perhaps you and DH

Allabitmuchisntit · 30/05/2017 18:42

Old enough to smoke?

Bloody old enough to get a part time job!!

Don't fund his habit!

Ragwort · 30/05/2017 18:42

My 15 DS gets £15 a month and had to save for his own clothes etc out of that (plus using birthday and Christmas money that he was given). He soon got a paper round to earn a little more.

As others have said, put the 'extra' money you receive into a savings account for your DS. (In your name so he can't get at it).

It sounds a lot of money just to be wasting spending on drinks and fags Hmm.

Familyof3or4 · 30/05/2017 18:42

Yanbu not to lend him any extra
Yabu to give him £60 a month. £60!!!

Cagliostro · 30/05/2017 18:45

YANBU at all

You could always put (some of) their maintenance/CB in savings accts for them instead, ex can't complain at that

PeppaIsMyHero · 30/05/2017 18:50

If you give him more money, he will never, ever learn that it has to be earned. £15 is plenty - I'd just say no.

P.S. you don't have to take child benefit if - as you said - you don't need it. I'd much prefer that it was spent on the NHS or something than given to a child to smoke away.

peachgreen · 30/05/2017 18:52

Crikey. If my son was spending his pocket money on cigarettes it would be stopped sharpish.

prettypaws · 30/05/2017 18:55

I have a sibling who has always flitted away money and been in debt. I've always been a saver and worked most mornings before school, my sibling also starting working at the same age but it didn't make a difference and 20 years later still spends wages well before the month is up. So working might not be the answer, i don't know what is, but don't do nothing! I desperately hope my kids don't end up with money problems like my sibling as it's miserable for them and everyone around them.

I'd tell them to take a drink from home and explore why they feel the need to spend it all straight away. See if they'll try a different way of saving and spending as an experiment and see which results they prefer. Work with him on managing the £15 you already give him as the amount can be irrelevant when someone is lazy and irresponsible (i.e. he could earn another £10 and still waste it all).

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