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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be wondering why someone would do this

84 replies

oldhabitsanddyinghard · 30/05/2017 11:06

I'm a bit confused about something that happened many years ago. I'd really welcome your thoughts.

When I met DH, I had some pretty bad things happening in my life. I was young and I'd just lost my mum. It manifested itself in a bit of an eating disorder. Nothing really serious but I used to make myself sick and I majorly restricted what I ate.

He always acted like there was nothing wrong with any of this. In time my eating habits shifted to a sort of binge/starve cycle. He's always just ignored this, although he raises an eyebrow and gives me a dirty look if he ever catches me at it but won't talk to me about it. But if I just have something normal like a slice of pizza or an ice cream in the context of an otherwise healthy diet he gives me a hard time about it.

I can't work out why he's okay with me being unhealthy.

OP posts:
Birdsgottaf1y · 30/05/2017 11:14

Is there other stuff going on?

How does he give you a hard time?

Original poster
oldhabitsanddyinghard · 30/05/2017 11:17

I don't know really. Probably being over sensitive but says "that (meaning the pizza or whatever) will go there" meaning my bum or stomach.

I lost loads of weight after having dc1 and he said something like "good to see these (boobs) are bigger than this (belly) again" which loads of people were shocked at.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 30/05/2017 11:26

That's really nasty. Why do you let him undermine you and be rude to you like that? It's not helping you stay healthy either

Why do you put up with this?

picklemepopcorn · 30/05/2017 11:26

I'm afraid it sounds as though it is in his interests to keep you somewhat vulnerable. Or he could just be ignorant? I suppose it depends if he is controlling in other areas.

krustykittens · 30/05/2017 11:32

At a guess? He is trying to keep you miserable and vulnerable as he is worried that a healthy, confident you wouldn't stay with an abusive prick.

Original poster
oldhabitsanddyinghard · 30/05/2017 11:32

I think you may be right popcorn one of my friends said that as well. It's hard because I really do love him and plus we have children.

OP posts:
Birdsgottaf1y · 30/05/2017 11:35

When you "were young" how old was your DH?

Even some GPs do not understand eating disorders, so the ignoring could have been through a lack of knowing what else to do.

I've worked with all disabilities and know a lot about health conditions, but i'd be out of my depth when it comes to under eating and some eating disorders.

It doesn't sound as though either of you are communicating fully.

I'd start on that and a level of honesty about how you feel.

Oldraver · 30/05/2017 11:38

He's happy to overlook an eating disorder if it means your body shape complies with what he prefers ie slimmer

Nasty cunt

FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 30/05/2017 11:39

Perhaps he doesn't say anything with the binge/starve cycle as it's out of his comfort zone, where as the slice of pizza isn't. He sounds like a twat to be honest.

Have you ever discussed your binge/starve cycle with him? The last thing you need is to be made to feel guilty for something you can't help. He should want to be supporting you, so it very weird he doesn't offer any help and does seems like he wants the control in the relationship.

TheSparrowhawk · 30/05/2017 11:39

Ignoring an eating disorder may be due to a lack of understanding.

But the nasty comments are absolutely not acceptable.

TakeThatFuckingDressOffNow · 30/05/2017 11:40

THIS IS SO SHOCKING.... and would be unacceptable fir many people.

Just think about how it makes you feel when he mentions it, that awkward sickly feeling. Or however it manifests. THIS IS NOT HOW SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU would treat you. It's about control and destroying your confidence, I don't imagine for one minute he is consciously trying to destroy your confidence, it's just a way for him to get at you......

Please, please talk this over with your nice friend. After years and years like this, it will destroy your confidence and you won't be able to recognise it anymore. You will think you are disgusting and he is right. YOU ARE PERFECT, eat what you bloody like.

Zimmerzammerbangbang · 30/05/2017 11:45

Just to put it in context. I'm dieting at the moment and recently fell off the wagon and have asked DH to hound me a bit if I'm eating off diet. He does but he's obviously uncomfortable with it and often checks whether I'm still happy for him to be doing it! That's normal, not belittling you.

Mustang27 · 30/05/2017 11:46

I would have replied with shame that your face and attitude stay the same no matter what you eat!!!

What an arsehole. I'm honestly so angry for you. It does sound that he likes you to be vulnerable which is pretty controlling.

BandeauSally · 30/05/2017 11:47

I can't work out why he's okay with me being unhealthy.

Because youre ok with you being unhealthy and being an adult, and not his child, it's not up to him to police your eating habits. He recognises this and has never expected to. why have you assumed he would?

BandeauSally · 30/05/2017 11:50

Oh hang on, I just read the OP then posted. Have read further now. I'm confused. You say he doesn't care that you're unhealthy then say he makes comments about what you eat and your weight. So he does care and says it out loud (in a horrible way).

PeaFaceMcgee · 30/05/2017 11:54

I disagree Bandeau, he DOES comment and throw looks, but not in a remotely supportive way.

He's abusive OP. A loving man wouldn't do this. What if he treated your children the same? Do they overhear his abuse?

You need proper help x

BandeauSally · 30/05/2017 11:56

I know, I posted too soon before reading the full thread. Blush

Original poster
oldhabitsanddyinghard · 30/05/2017 11:57

I think the problem is I've never really eaten "normally." Not since I was about 14, maybe? I've either starved, binged, or both. I don't blame him for that at all but at the same time looking back it's strange he never said anything. But maybe he was just being supportive. I thought he was.

OP posts:
tiredybear · 30/05/2017 11:58

Oh, OP I'm so sorry. This is really not nice behaviour at all. It sounds very much like he liked your vulnerability when you got together and wants it to stay that way. It's so important for you to be healthy and well and he shouldn't stand in the way of that.

What do you mean when you say he won't talk to you about it? He doesn't raise it? Or you raise it and he refuses to discuss it?

DH aside, do you feel able/ready to seek some professional help to enable you to develop a happier and healthier attitude to eating?

picklemepopcorn · 30/05/2017 11:58

I don't think how much you love him is the point here, really. Sorry.

If he loved you he would be doing things which help you, not saying things which keep you sick.

Original poster
oldhabitsanddyinghard · 30/05/2017 12:02

It sounds stupid but I feel if I could get to a weight I'm happy with I could tackle and have an incentive to eat properly and break the binge starve cycle. And I feel if I could do that I could have the strength to do other stuff. And I'm wondering if he knows that too.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/05/2017 12:16

Hi OP. Have you ever actually openly discussed any of this with him? Is this something you would consider? Just to get it all out in the open. Are you seeking any help for your eating disorder? Maybe he thinks you have swept it all under the rug and so he should too?

You should call him out on the snarky comments though, that's just cruel.

Springishere0 · 30/05/2017 12:21

Having an eating disorder means you'll never be happy with your weight of with the way you eat. Please go see the GP and ask for therapy. You can discuss the issues with your partner there as well.

He's horrible for making theses comments. Do you ever confront him? You need good support more than anything.

By the way, you say it's nothing serious, but from the way you describe it, it definitely is. It is making an impact on your daily life. You deserve so much more. You deserve to feel so much better. Please get some help xx

JamPasty · 30/05/2017 12:23

get to a weight I'm happy with - would that be a weight within the healthy BMI range, or is this a way of putting off addressing the issue? I mean that kindly, but can't find the words to phrase it better

FizzyGreenWater · 30/05/2017 12:23

Sounds like he never said anything because he was quite pleased with having a slightly vulnerable partner, someone he could feel superior to perhaps? Someone nicely tied up with a few issues of their own who would be in less of a position to call him out on his own nastiness/controlling behaviour/laziness/general abusiveness?

Sounds as if I'm making quite a leap there doesn't it... however, having read a few of the horrible comments made to OP by this nasty piece of work, I'd bet my house I'm right.

OP, he's not a nice man who isn't a friend to you. The eating disorder is kind of irrelevant really - it's simply provided a window into how he treats you.

Have a think about what you mena when you say you love him and whether you think this is a healthy place for you to be.

Nasty, nasty little scrote!