To be wondering why someone would do this

[oldhabitsanddyinghard]

I'm a bit confused about something that happened many years ago. I'd really welcome your thoughts.

When I met DH, I had some pretty bad things happening in my life. I was young and I'd just lost my mum. It manifested itself in a bit of an eating disorder. Nothing really serious but I used to make myself sick and I majorly restricted what I ate.

He always acted like there was nothing wrong with any of this. In time my eating habits shifted to a sort of binge/starve cycle. He's always just ignored this, although he raises an eyebrow and gives me a dirty look if he ever catches me at it but won't talk to me about it. But if I just have something normal like a slice of pizza or an ice cream in the context of an otherwise healthy diet he gives me a hard time about it.

I can't work out why he's okay with me being unhealthy.

Obviously we don't know his rôle in the NHS (not asking you to tell us OP) but I don't see why he need even know you had seen your GP - isn't that supposed to be confidential?

Am hoping it isn't a caring rôle though.

Not sure but I worry about it and also I feel it could somehow get back to him which I know is irrational!

His behaviour is appalling, he is making your condition worse. How dare he talk to you like that.

I think its time to educate yourself on what abusive behaviour actually is, and low self esteem is. all easily done online, and on here

then, step back and take a long hard look at him OP

and then decide, can he change, do I want to change this situation?

No, he isn't clever. He may be academically able, but he isn't intelligent or clever.

It really is a shame you can't spend a week being married to a truly 'clever' person - as in, someone who is both interesting and interested (in you), who is smart enough to be generous - with their time, their sympathy, their support. Someone who is intelligent enough to enjoy treating people as equals, of giving as much as they get, of seeing that treating people well makes for - well, just a happier life all round.

Not this carping, miserable little navel-gazer who has clearly spent a fair bit of time pointing out to you that he can pass exams, he can. Is he a doctor? I know one who is also a nasty abuser. And not a very good doctor, either.

He won't be able to access your records.

I think there are two issues here:

1. OP not wanting to seek medical help for her eating disorder or discuss it - but at the same time seeming confused that her DH doesn't want to talk about it either?

1. OP's DH being what sounds like a spiteful shit.

OP - I don't think you've directly responded to posters who tell you his behaviour is abusive. What do you think? Agree / disagree / confused? x

Sorry, we're on holiday (in the U.K.) so was out.

Here is my honest answer.

Yes, I know he's abusive.

But I don't feel like he is.

I know it but it's not ever going to sink in.

It already is sinking in, otherwise you wouldn't have just written Yes, I know he's abusive.

You are burying your head in the sand, as shown by your comment I know it but it's not ever going to sink in.

He is abusive
It has sunk in
You know it
You can't unknow it
You can decide to live with it
You can decide to do something about it

I've known for years but I can't bring myself to leave.

What do you get from the relationship that you think you couldn't get elsewhere?

Father to my children, financial security, a sense of belonging.

Is what he said about my boobs that bad?

It was ages ago. Maybe 2008?

I don't know, it can change by the nano second!

Yes. It does sound like you have an exceptionally good marriage though.

Nope. My DH can be infuriating, and we have plenty of issues, but I don't think he has ever made me feel small or scared or upset.
He's on my side.

Meant to add, that's not an exceptionally good marriage. It's just a pretty normal one.

I think he is on my side ... I would say so, on the whole he is.

I don't know.

In some ways I feel like he comes from a good place, he means well. I know he worries about my weight and yet at the same time I think he knows I do get defensive if it's brought up so I'm possibly being unfair.

At home I've been doing a springclean and found some photos and he said how nice I looked in them. I said well, you never said I looked nice, you criticised this outfit or whatever and he denied it. Said he'd never criticised what I wore. But he did all the time once.

OP, sounds like you really need to give yourself a chance to sort through your issues.
Speak to your GP. They CANNOT discuss what happens in your appointment with your partner, regardless of his role in the NHS. Get yourself well first (YOU DESERVE IT!), then you might be able to think more clearly about your relationship and if it is or isn't working for you.

It's so private though. Letting somebody else into that private world - I just don't think I can.

OP you are sounding a bit of a pushover, stop being the victim.

By any yardstick your marriage relationship is poor. If you don't get help it will stay that way.