To be wondering why someone would do this

[oldhabitsanddyinghard]

I'm a bit confused about something that happened many years ago. I'd really welcome your thoughts.

When I met DH, I had some pretty bad things happening in my life. I was young and I'd just lost my mum. It manifested itself in a bit of an eating disorder. Nothing really serious but I used to make myself sick and I majorly restricted what I ate.

He always acted like there was nothing wrong with any of this. In time my eating habits shifted to a sort of binge/starve cycle. He's always just ignored this, although he raises an eyebrow and gives me a dirty look if he ever catches me at it but won't talk to me about it. But if I just have something normal like a slice of pizza or an ice cream in the context of an otherwise healthy diet he gives me a hard time about it.

I can't work out why he's okay with me being unhealthy.

I don't really because I almost don't want to have a discussion about it. Objectively I am too big at the moment (bmi is actually obese) but in the past when it's been okay I've been okay, I've recognised I look fine. But then other stuff happens and I start bingeing to cope. And then I end up overweight. And I start restricting my food again.

I think he thinks I'm just being difficult. I think a lot of people maybe think that.

Abusive people make a beeline for the vulnerable when starting new relationships. They like to be in control and think they own you. It also sounds like he may have liked the fact you severely restricted your diet.

I think he used to be proud of how I looked but he hasn't been for a while.

Your DH's comments are bizarre. Are you really overweight or just not wafer-thin with a big bosom? My guess is that you are probably shaped like most of us. Normal.

If you think you have an eating disorder please get proper help. I am not an expert but a web site like www.b-eat.co.uk/ might be helpful.

Best wishes.

There's a lot going on. I am overweight, it doesn't suit me and sometimes it does get me down but it doesn't bother me like it once did

oldhabitsanddyinghard that's really good that you recognize when you are a healthy weight. I sympathise with bingeing when stressed, and it must be doubly difficult when what is stressing you is the need to lose a bit of weight. It sounds like your DH isn't being great about it, and some of his comments are truly crap. Could you discuss with your GP a good way to lose weight carefully, given your history of bingeing/starving? Maybe a diet that counts calories thus allows you to have things like pizza if you want (is weightwatchers like that?)

Nice people who are 'proud of how you look' = pleased for you when you feel good about yourself, supportive when you don't, remind you that how you look isn't the most important thing about anyone, etc. It's about caring about YOU.

Nasty people who are 'proud of how you look' = see you as an extension of themselves and want you to look the way THEY want things. Are not supportive, instead get angry when you don't comply or fail to live up to their 'standards'. Use your insecurities against you to make themselves feel better or as a way of abusing you. It's about caring for THEMSELVES.

Your nasty partner is No2.

Well, I'm really bad with those because it's like as soon as I break "the rules" it sends me into a feeding frenzy. But when I'm a healthy weight it doesn't! I know I'm making no sense.

It's like - weigh 10 stone (good BMI for me), have a slice of pizza, enjoy it, all is good.

Bad three months, gain a stone.

Have a slice of pizza OMG I'm so fat, I'll start tomorrow, eat the rest of the pizza.

Stupid I know!

Not stupid at all - that's what eating disorders are all about. At least you recognise the pattern, which is half the battle! When you were 10 stone, how did you get there? And is there anything now that you could do that would be comforting but not involve eating? I find endless cups of tea quite soothing, and so long as you avoid sugar in them, they're not too bad colorie-wise

I suppose your OH looks like Daniel Craig?

Well, same old really I know how to do it just actually doing it that's hard!

Mike he is fairly ordinary to look at I suppose. But he is clever.

That sounds awful. Like he was turning a blind eye to a serious eating disorder so long as you didn't ''present'' as a fat woman but when you get to grips with the starving and binging and just sit there and enjoy a slice of pizza, able to keep it down, his biggest concern is that you'll end up fat!?

WOW

just actually doing it that's hard! I know what you mean!

Upthread a poster asked how old you were when you got together. And how old he was. If you do not wish to say, that is fine. But I am sure that I am not the only one concerned about the controlling nature of his behaviour.

Do you think he's cleverer than you? Does HE like to think he is?

He is. Which is not to say I'm stupid but to give credit where it's due he is an extremely intelligent man.

I suspect he doesn't know quite what to do or say about it, it is for a bloke an awkward subject to talk about. Perhaps best if you can speak to him and tell him how you feel and how he's making you feel?.

In some aspects of life H may be 'clever' but not when it comes to helping you cope with your addiction, it seems. By the sound of it he needs a lot of educating in this area, if he can be bothered, and should want to learn how to manage his own feelings, support you, and nurture your relationship.

There's plenty of good advice from professional organisations on the internet. Get H started today.

I think he might be intellectually intelligent but not emotionally intelligent.

Could you just ignore his comments and think 'what a twat' to yourself, enjoy the occasional treat, do some things that make you feel stronger, maybe learn some new skills or hobby or something.

You're probably just lovely really. Please stop binging and try to get some support. Perhaps your GP or the practice nurse might be able to help.

Probably outing myself here but he works in the NHS, so I feel a bit funny about seeing the doctor ever.

He doesn't really ... but for some reason the other day I was thinking about how just before I went to university I was eating hardly anything and making myself sick and why didn't he say something. Maybe I'm being unfair.

wow.
Wanker
Of the
Week

he said something like "good to see these (boobs) are bigger than this (belly) again" which loads of people were shocked at.

he is an extremely intelligent man.

You see, to me, these two comments contradict each other - especially as he said the former in front of witnesses. No wonder people were shocked. To me it is either something a very stupid person might say, or something someone would say if he didn't mind everyone thinking he was a dick.

He might be intelligent as you say, but this was such a misogynistic thing to say - I presume he doesn't mind being a misogynist.

I can't help but think that this sort of comment must go a long way towards reinforcing your eating disorder.