...about a 'delicate' friend?

[Nettletheelf]

I'm part of a group of six who have been friends for more than twenty years. We're all women in our forties.

We live in different parts of the country and go on holiday together twice a year: city breaks, spa breaks, that sort of thing.

One of our number (who I'm less friendly with than the others, but whom I still like) regards herself as 'delicate'. She has never been diagnosed with any health problems, but her delicacy manifests itself as follows:

• nights out have to be curtailed early because she 'gets tired easily' and can't go back to the hotel or airBnB on her own.

• many restaurant and cafe options are rejected because she has a delicate digestion and the menu doesn't suit it.

• when we find a restaurant or cafe that fits the specification, she has to choose the best chair because of her delicate joints.

• when we order wine in a restaurant, she won't have the same as everybody else because whatever everybody else likes somehow upsets her delicate stomach.

• says that she never sleeps in hotels or unfamiliar bedrooms, so everybody has to walk slowly in the morning because she is exhausted.

We've just returned from a trip, so I'm more irritated than I'd normally be. What I don't get is how she manages to take so many people in. Am I the unreasonable one? There's nothing medically wrong with the woman.

After a long-ish day out on our most recent trip, we decided to sit on the balcony and have a glass of wine. Delicate friend decided that she was going straight to bed because she was tired through not sleeping in unfamiliar beds, etc. After she said goodnight, one of the other members of the group said, "X has done well today hasn't she?"

Me: "Done well how?"

Friend: "well, it's been a long day and it's late for her" (it was 10.30 pm)

Me: "She's a grown up. She can cope with being up until 10.30".

Friend: "but she's a delicate little flower, isn't she?"

Me (laughing): "she's no more delicate than you or I!"

I resent being part of what feels like a ridiculous pantomime in which we're all expected to dance attendance on the dainty, delicate one. I think that cultivating 'delicacy' is a very good way of getting other people to dance to your tune.

Am I right or am I just intolerant?

Luckily I only see this particular friend twice a year. I see the others far more regularly.

I knew someone who was 'delicate'. A couple of years after she started being 'delicate' she was diagnosed with cancer. By the time she was diagnosed it was too far advanced to help.

That's not quote-unquote delicate, though, @WhatIfWhatIf. That's illness.

Well, at a weekend away a few years ago with friends, I wanted to go home early and not drink myself stupid.

At a holiday on a Spanish island a few years ago I didn't want to go out clubbing with my friends (a bit tacky) but I did stay out late a few nights just not until 4am and was happy to come back by myself. Another friend on that holiday was more of an acquaintance and is 10 years younger than me.

I also had an underactive thyroid condition diagnosed 3 years ago and have only in past 6 months got the medication dosage right. Before I had my medication my condition made me very tired and like I was wading through mud!

There's also the possibility that her problems are real, she is delicate, but she still can't stand the idea of other people having more fun than her, so if her delicate constitution means she cant stay up late, enjoy spicy/rich food, she can't walk far to do a full day of sight seeing, then she doesn't want to have anyone else enjoying those things without her, having more fun on the trip than her.

Which means she's not actually being a kind friend to you lot.

The delicate woman who later got cancer played wolf on herself

Yeah, Brog.. that showed her.

Jesus, bit harsh

Yes, pigeondujour, but for a long time it didn't present itself as specific illness, it presented itself as very non specific delicacy. Tiredness, food not agreeing, etc, the sort of thing the OP has mentioned in her post.

lol at hardworkHazel the only smoker amongst five non-smokers, and still calling the shots!

OP, if you catch the eye-rollers eye when delicate flower is elaborating on the next set of special circumstances she requires and say something neutrally like ''hey, eyerollersname, quick sambucca at the bar while they figure this out?" YOU MAY find you are joined by one of the panderers which then makes three rebels, 2 panderers and the delicate flower. OOOH it's like un golpe de estado.

well i'd not pander to the things that are obviously a wind-up. how does she justify always getting the best chair for her joints if all the chairs are the same? she can order a glass of whatever wine she wants, you order yours.

the only thing i'd say is careful with being too confrontational, otherwise the panderers will split off with her and you (and maybe eye-roller) will be left together and that'll be the end of your weekends. unless this has all really got to be too much for you and you don't want to go anymore anyway.

I don't think anyone's criticising the symptoms though, rather the use thereof to manipulate people.

I had a mate who was somewhat like this too. My solution to my frustrations was to simply not ask her out anymore. Problem solved!

Get the eye roller alone and sound her out. Then get the panderer you like best and tell her straight to stop giving in to the flower.

Form a new group. Start small but you will build up members of you start a new going away group without the pita.

Hey Jessica Eccles! Look at my name, you know who I am! How the hell are you, and the bastardcuntingschleraderma? My sis is still battling xx

Yep. Not criticising the symptoms. In my group of six someone always needs a bit of allowance. I'm clumsy, I'll be the one with a cast on every other year, someone will have a big or a small health problem which will be much more irritating/inconveniencing to her than anyone else, one might be in an exhaustion related melt-down crisis and there was an era when someone was always sodding pregnant (now more likely one is suddenly purple and sweating while the rest of us are flapping our jackets at her). Such is life.

I'm surprised that some posters are suggesting that she can't possibly be making up her food intolerances/delicacy because she might have cancer, meaning that all of us sceptics will be sorry when she dies.

I'm applying Occam's razor: it's far, far more likely that she just wants to call the tune whenever she's with a group.

The food intolerances change regularly, incidentally. She was teetotal for years but can now manage expensive wine and gin cocktails.

Thanks for your input everybody!

Incidentally, I know that some posters have said, 'either put up with it or don't go', but I don't intend to stop going on holiday with some of my closest friends (category does not include DLF) because one member of the group is an attention seeker.

I'd personally re the wine mention out loud at the table, "what do we all want to share?!" If DLF mentions the expensive wine and only a couple of others want it suggest they get a bottle between them or do it glass by glass.

Wanting to leave but not to go in a taxi alone, just be firm, either she stays or gets a taxi alone.

I'd call her out on the hotel as she travels for work two times a week!

I know this sounds really harsh and cruel but I'd mention it on your next group outing, all that pisses you off. Ok, so you risk being the bad guy, but at least she knows you're pissed off and so do the others. If she chooses to flounce and get upset, well tough!

The food intolerances change regularly, incidentally. She was teetotal for years but can now manage expensive wine and gin cocktails.

Totally. The only thing ours wouldn't consider might not be great for her was minimum three cans of full fat coke every day.

Hey Jessica Eccles! Look at my name, you know who I am! How the hell are you, and the bastardcuntingschleraderma? My sis is still battling xx

omg omg omg!!!!!!!!! I was wondering about you the other day!!!!! How marvellous!!! The bastard scleroderma is going through a RAMPANT phase at the moment and leaving me feeling like a rag in the mouth of a Jack Russell. Glad yr sister is OK. Missed you xxxxx

I think the people saying that you are 'intolerant and mean' have never had a friend like this.

There really are people who flap about all kinds of stuff like this for some unknown reason. They have to make everything about them. On the surface it can seem that you are being intolerant but these Prima Donnas very quickly get on your nerves.

Some people ARE more delicate.

if it's a friend, you'd be nice about it

But you don't really like her anyway, so you are less tolerant.

I go out with an old group of friends once a year for a WE, one of things I love about our group dynamic is that we ar all very tolerant of eachother's idiosyncrasies (e.g. I slept n the sofa, as one of them has issues with sharing a room )

I have no patience for people like this, yes it's attention seeking when part of a group where they are expected to nod along sympathetically without questioning her 'delicacy'.

Sod that for a game of soldiers and twice a year is two times too much when she has to choose a seat for her delicate joints yet dances a couple of times a week...

Here is the evidence for her 'delicacy':

Works full time.

Travels two days a week.

Dances three nights a week until late.

Does not look like somebody with a food intolerance.

Manages to drink alcohol regularly.

But no, she must be delicate. Because some people simply ARE delicate, and I am a bad friend. Glad we sorted that out.

Also, if somebody 'had issues with sharing a room', why weren't they on the sofa rather than Rubywinterstorm? What am I missing?

What does somebody with a food intolerances look like?