...about a 'delicate' friend?

[Nettletheelf]

I'm part of a group of six who have been friends for more than twenty years. We're all women in our forties.

We live in different parts of the country and go on holiday together twice a year: city breaks, spa breaks, that sort of thing.

One of our number (who I'm less friendly with than the others, but whom I still like) regards herself as 'delicate'. She has never been diagnosed with any health problems, but her delicacy manifests itself as follows:

• nights out have to be curtailed early because she 'gets tired easily' and can't go back to the hotel or airBnB on her own.

• many restaurant and cafe options are rejected because she has a delicate digestion and the menu doesn't suit it.

• when we find a restaurant or cafe that fits the specification, she has to choose the best chair because of her delicate joints.

• when we order wine in a restaurant, she won't have the same as everybody else because whatever everybody else likes somehow upsets her delicate stomach.

• says that she never sleeps in hotels or unfamiliar bedrooms, so everybody has to walk slowly in the morning because she is exhausted.

We've just returned from a trip, so I'm more irritated than I'd normally be. What I don't get is how she manages to take so many people in. Am I the unreasonable one? There's nothing medically wrong with the woman.

After a long-ish day out on our most recent trip, we decided to sit on the balcony and have a glass of wine. Delicate friend decided that she was going straight to bed because she was tired through not sleeping in unfamiliar beds, etc. After she said goodnight, one of the other members of the group said, "X has done well today hasn't she?"

Me: "Done well how?"

Friend: "well, it's been a long day and it's late for her" (it was 10.30 pm)

Me: "She's a grown up. She can cope with being up until 10.30".

Friend: "but she's a delicate little flower, isn't she?"

Me (laughing): "she's no more delicate than you or I!"

I resent being part of what feels like a ridiculous pantomime in which we're all expected to dance attendance on the dainty, delicate one. I think that cultivating 'delicacy' is a very good way of getting other people to dance to your tune.

Am I right or am I just intolerant?

Luckily I only see this particular friend twice a year. I see the others far more regularly.

Some of these stories are astonishing (and some are very funny, particularly those about the woman launching herself backwards off a chair and the strapping gym bunny asking her tiny friend to pull her case!)

I think the reason nobody has challenged her so far is something along the lines of 'groupthink'. In a group of women, particularly when you're meeting up to catch up with each other and have a lovely time, etc., it's really difficult to challenge somebody because then you're daring not to be 'nice'.

The delicate flower doesn't always come with us because she'll have special circumstances, not always relating to delicacy. So she'll be needed for something very important at work, for example. She travels with work two days a week and, yes, stays in hotels. What that does is, it allows her to behave as if she's making a real effort to come away with us, so we should be grateful etc. Drives me mad. Four of the others are panderers, but I catch the fifth eyerolling.

Incidentally, for posters who have noted that I'm 'bitching to strangers' or whatever: everyone on MN is a stranger, surely, and it's better than 'bitching' to the delicate flower if I only see her rarely!

My great aunt was like this.

Absolutely nothing wrong with her, however her "delicate" nature would have dictated every interaction with her if it had been allowed.

Fortunately my grandmother (her sister) had no problem whatsoever about telling her to pack it in.

Apparently she'd been like this as a child and used her "fragility" to get out of things she didn't want to do or to manipulate people into doing what she wanted. Like my grandmother, her mother didn't tolerate it, but her father very much indulged her behaviour according to my GM.

When she married (late in life) her husband was also someone who treated her like a rare flower and again totally indulged her behaviour.

So whilst I know some people do have health issues that friends should accommodate I have no sympathy for those that use their "delicacy" as a means of manipulation.

Doesn't read like OP is exaggerating IMO. It seems more likely that OP has gradually become fed up with her friend's behaviour and can't be arsed with it anymore.

I have a couple of friends / relations who were a bit like this before DC but not so much now.

She sounds annoying. You're not unreasonable to be annoyed by her.

But, you either suck it up and put it down to one of those things you'll never change and try not to let it bother you, or you don't go on long weekends with her if it annoys you too much, or you (all) stand up to her and insist she goes home in a taxi, sits in a different chair, tries the restaurant you all want.

I'd be irritated too though, and I am usually pretty accommodating and try to be understanding of others foibles. But attention seekers are the pits.

I am the delicate fussy weird person, nothing that I do fits in with normal things that other people do, I have loads of issues, I do my own thing and never expect anyone to accommodate me.

Then again I'm very solitary and happiest in my own company, being weird is a good way to get what I want because what I want is to be left alone

Most people who do have reasons to make alternative choices to food etc, or take breaks due to health etc they tend NOT to hijack the whole group's activities.

There are some who have to make everything about themselves, can't bear tranquillity of others. I've spent a couple of days with some who say they are happy with whatever but then come the snippy remarks here and there.

I find it enormously irritating.

These people only get away with this behaviour because other people pander to them. Just stop doing it.

MorrisZapp That's so funny!

OP, she does sound like a PITA - delicate joints and a (resolved) foot issue yet she dances 3 nights a week. Can't sleep properly away from home but travels for work. Most vexing! Get the other eye-roller on side and start demanding you stay out later/eat at nice places etc.

nights out have to be curtailed early because she 'gets tired easily' and can't go back to the hotel or airBnB on her own.

How can anyone think she is reasonable after this?

How dare she impact other people's enjoyment?

Does she expect her work colleagues to go back to the hotel with her because she can't go back on her own? In my job, I'd be laughed out of the company.

Can't bloody add up. Three panderers, one eye roller, med delicate flower = 6!!

Me AND delicate flower, that should say.

It was like this total childlike inability to see cause and effect, but with an adult's ability to manipulate things. She would sit there miserable all night while the rest of us had a laugh, then she'd feel left out, then she'd tell herself "I couldn't do what they're doing because I'm ill". Which was crap for her too because it precluded the possibility of her thinking "actually I could easily do what they're doing" and end up enjoying herself. Similarly, she thought it desperately unfair she couldn't meet a guy, would push away every one she met when they broke one of her ever-expanding list of unreasonable rules, then tell everyone else and herself that he dumped her because she was ill. Would not have crossed her mind that a bit of flexibility on both sides might help, and would have caused world war 3 to even gently suggest it to her.

Next time, you need to plan with fellow eye roller that you'll carry on the night out, some others might join you - surely delicate flower doesn't need 5 people to escort her back to the hotel? You don't need to eat every meal as a 6?

You might start a rebellion...

There are conditions that would explain her needs

Yes, she's an idiot

Toffee

Morris that is so funny, please write more!

YANBU Op she sounds like a nightmare. I think we have all come across a similar type, DH has an Aunt like this. Delicate my arse. It really just takes someone, well, everyone really, to call them out on it.

There's no reason she'd lie

Aw bless. So naive!

people will lie about anything. She's a massive drama queen addicted to the attention and getting everyone to dance on her.

Vive la revolution!

I'm going to take the OP at face value and not assume a hidden illness or disorder, as presumably the OP would know about that by now, if only for the attention a real diagnosis would bring the delicate one.

It's such a pain in the arse, isn't it, OP? And more annoying in some ways is the relatively sane friends who continue to indulge her, leaving you to be bad cop (i.e. normal!). I'd be tempted to call her out on everything, or ask questions about whichever phobia is flavor of the day. Polite conversation, but ask questions that require an answer based in fact - which Dr/research/paper is this based on? The scales have got to fall from the others' eyes at some point.

I knew someone like this once. We both moved house at the same time. Old moaner had our mutual group running around after her, helping with this, running to buy her nails, lending a drill, helping her clean the new place. Apparently she couldn't have managed without them. On the other hand, DH and I just got on with it, didn't ask for help, make a big deal out of things, or in other words, acted like adults! It still amazes me that mutual friends couldn't see her learned helplessness though, and that they didn't spot the disparity!

Yes. What InvisibleKittenAttack suggests. This is good advice.

One of them played the delicate flower all day. As someone up thread said, I nearly asked if he wanted my disability

Ha! this happens to me a lot ( rheumatoid arthritis. systemic scleroderma). It does seem unfair that some people would LOVE to have my conditions- whereas I hate talking about it, hate making any concessions and often try to sneak off early without being noticed

Muffin don't worry - the reactions on here ate not because of illness and her making adjustments for herself , it's that she forces the rest of the world to make unreasonable adjustments too.

For example the going back early. A normal person feeling crap would say "I'm tired, I'm getting a taxi back to the hotel" and the group would likely wait with her then get on with the night. What's unreasonable is saying "I'm tired and going back to the hotel. You all have to come with me".

As long as you do the first not the second the chances are you'll find people happy to make adjustments and be compassionate.

If she just went 'oh I'm tired so I'm off to bed' then it wouldn't be a problem. I have depression and anxiety so I often leave earlier than others cos I get exhausted. But expecting others to walk you back is a bit much. Expecting the group to revolve around your own needs is totally selfish and I couldn't be arsed. If I felt like I was going to impact a lot on people's fun, I would stay at home or just go for the day or invite people to mine.

In short, she sounds selfish.

You're making a rod for your own backs here OP. You need to say no to this woman or else you are enabling this behaviour. Why don't you call her out on it?

Attention seeking. It works though, she has you all dancing to her tune and pretty much decides what you do and when.

YABU. Some people are delicate than others.

"i have a friend who has ulcerative colitis and it knackers her out. no, she doesn't feel inclined to share the gory details with unsympathetic randoms either"

Surely, if you know someone well enough to go away on holiday with them not once, but several times, they are not 'a random', though, @OfficerVanHalen?

I have just been away for the weekend with my choir. I am very overweight (my own fault, I know) so found some things in the weekend very difficult. Other choir members were very kind and thoughtful - giving me lifts places, offering help etc - and I was very grateful, whilst, at the same time, worrying that I was spoiling things for other people.

I was happy to do what I could, and to look after myself the rest of the time - I would have been perfectly happy to get a taxi, when I couldn't walk from the hotel to the Abbey where we were singing, for example - I appreciated the lifts a lot, but didn't expect them.

When I wasn't up to exploring the town, after the concert, I was perfectly happy to go back to the hotel on my own, and sit with my book and my knitting - I would not have expected anyone else to alter their plans and come with me.

I know my problems are self inflicted, and not due to illness, but either way, I wouldn't dream of spoiling other people's fun, because of my issues. I'd hate to make myself the centre of attention by demanding activities be altered to suit me.