...about a 'delicate' friend?

[Nettletheelf]

I'm part of a group of six who have been friends for more than twenty years. We're all women in our forties.

We live in different parts of the country and go on holiday together twice a year: city breaks, spa breaks, that sort of thing.

One of our number (who I'm less friendly with than the others, but whom I still like) regards herself as 'delicate'. She has never been diagnosed with any health problems, but her delicacy manifests itself as follows:

• nights out have to be curtailed early because she 'gets tired easily' and can't go back to the hotel or airBnB on her own.

• many restaurant and cafe options are rejected because she has a delicate digestion and the menu doesn't suit it.

• when we find a restaurant or cafe that fits the specification, she has to choose the best chair because of her delicate joints.

• when we order wine in a restaurant, she won't have the same as everybody else because whatever everybody else likes somehow upsets her delicate stomach.

• says that she never sleeps in hotels or unfamiliar bedrooms, so everybody has to walk slowly in the morning because she is exhausted.

We've just returned from a trip, so I'm more irritated than I'd normally be. What I don't get is how she manages to take so many people in. Am I the unreasonable one? There's nothing medically wrong with the woman.

After a long-ish day out on our most recent trip, we decided to sit on the balcony and have a glass of wine. Delicate friend decided that she was going straight to bed because she was tired through not sleeping in unfamiliar beds, etc. After she said goodnight, one of the other members of the group said, "X has done well today hasn't she?"

Me: "Done well how?"

Friend: "well, it's been a long day and it's late for her" (it was 10.30 pm)

Me: "She's a grown up. She can cope with being up until 10.30".

Friend: "but she's a delicate little flower, isn't she?"

Me (laughing): "she's no more delicate than you or I!"

I resent being part of what feels like a ridiculous pantomime in which we're all expected to dance attendance on the dainty, delicate one. I think that cultivating 'delicacy' is a very good way of getting other people to dance to your tune.

Am I right or am I just intolerant?

Luckily I only see this particular friend twice a year. I see the others far more regularly.

I had a friend who pulled similar stunts, OP. She had genuine epilepsy but didn't work around it so had a lot of easily preventable seizures, which would send everyone around us who wasn't used to it into a panic. I am disabled myself and she had a tendency to drop the 'delicate' air around me because I was very blunt about managing her illness better. Another friend of ours had a non-epilepsy seizure disorder and 'delicate' friend actually drove her to have more seizures than usual due to having to keep up with her demands and getting dangerously exhausted in the process.

She's out of our life now, and our group is planning a trip to Tokyo. Everyone is aware of my mobility issues and it's understood that if the group is going anywhere that involves strenuous activity I am going to be dropped off in one of the theme cafes and picked up on the way back. There's no way I'd have eight people drop everything to suit my whims.

Pain, I'm autistic, not a delicate flower.
Your post kind of proves my point. I've had my fair share of nastiness from people who have no empathy for other people which has led to me being rather reclusive, as having my needs met is apparently far too much to expect others to do, even though adjustments to make sure I'm ok don't actually impact anyone else that much.
Life experiences make some of us have a more open minded attitude towards things like this possibly.

Cloud you can accuse me of whatever you like. However if you genuinely have a disability that affects you so greatly, then my comment was obviously not aimed at you.

I have a disabled daughter by the way. And two mentally disabled brothers. Oh and I have issues myself that make me tired and in pain a lot.

*Some people ARE more delicate.

if it's a friend, you'd be nice about it*

If she really WAS more delicate, then no-one would mind, would they? However it is obvious she merely feels she is more special than everyone else and therefore requires special conditions and special considerations and to be treated in a special, princess way.

YANBU OP, I hate this entitled, attention seeking shit.

Do you all share a room? I can see DLF getting woken up if she goes to bed early and is then woken up by the others coming in later on, no matter how quiet you are.

Then her options are:

a) pay for a room for herself so that she can sleep alone

b) deal with being woken up and go to sleep again when the others quiet down

c) skip the trip.

Instead of controlling 5 other people's holiday bedtime.

*Some people ARE more delicate.if it's a friend, you'd be nice about it

This is how the fuckers get away with it! If they really were, if THEY were nice people, they wouldn't use their "delicacy" as a way to use and control others. Which is what OP's "friend" does.

And everyone else being nice about it is what they are after in the first place.

I agree with a much earlier poster who commented that one or two "things" or issues, fine. All of these together seem like taking the p and being controlling.

She could be a relative of mine. Well no not any more as this relative never leaves the house as she's so delicate/ disabled despite not having anything physically wrong with her except age.

She just likes attention and fuss and has been pandered to all her life. She's had offers of help to te her out shopping but no she wants someone to do it for her then she can moan and complain she never goes anywhere.

The only way round it I can suggest is just let her get on with it but NOT in such a way as it affects you.

I.e If "X" is so terribly tired and is disturbed by other people she should get a room of her own and sleep in while the rest of you enjoy yourselves.

If x needs to leave early as she's tired she can get a cab. You can stay out and enjoy yourselves.

If X can't eat at the same places she will have to just have some bread/chips once in a while so that the rest of you can enjoy things. Or stay at the hotel one night fo dinner and meet you later.

I bet she complains all the time and is very "woe is me" unless there's something she wants to do ?

Why can't she get a cab on her own. If she needs to go home that's fair enough but WHY is everyone else going with her?

Pain, but my comments have been from knowing someone who could easily apply to the op's comments, after many years of being considered a special snowflake and a delicate flower because of her needs (honestly, this whole post is like a synopsis of her life!), she discovered that she has a disability. She spent a lot of time feeling crap about herself because she found it difficult to cope with nights out like her friends could.
Its very common for people to be disabled in some way without fully knowing or understanding, make allowances for much of their lives in order to get through certain things, and only finding out when they're older.
It's a pity people can't be a little accommodating, whilst still putting in certain things themselves to reduce the impact on them, if indeed the impact is enough to bother them.

Yes, we get the woe disguised as stoicism: "don't let me stop you having a good time but I can't go back to the hotel on my own", etc.

We don't share rooms as a rule, but when we're in a hotel with twin rooms, and there's an odd number, guess who gets a room to herself because of her supposed sleep problems?

If we're in a villa, or an AirBnB with separate rooms, we are required to be quiet after she has retired for the night.

I'd have supported the 'get a taxi' strategy but the others just let her get away with it! Worried about not seeming 'nice'.

If you want her to stop acting like a needy child then you all have to start treating her like an adult and stop trying to parent her.

Cloud, the subject of this thread is people who are being TOO accommodating, to somebody who ISN'T ILL!

In response to an earlier question, I was tempted to ask, "so what have you been diagnosed with, and what treatment have you been prescribed?" but felt a bit manky. Not because of DLF, but didn't want to make an awkward atmosphere for the rest of the group.

I just couldn't put up with it.

I'd get the eye roller on side "oh I'm not ready to leave yet - what about you eye roller - do you fancy staying out ?"

Who keeps inviting her?

She would do my head in. Sounds attention seeking to me p, what's her home live like? Does she oh?

She lives with her boyfriend, and that is a whole other story! He is more like her footman!

knowing someone who could easily apply to the op's comments, after many years of being considered a special snowflake and a delicate flower because of her needs

Did this person take the piss out of everyone else? Did she try and force everyone else to accomodate her to the point that no-one else was allowed to do things? Did she make a huge fuss every time to get her own way?

WHY do people keep posting about entirely different scenarios and commenting on the OP?

cloud her being delicate isn't the issue. Why are people so thick.. it's the making everyone do as she wants that's the issue. She can go back to the hotel by herself seeing as she is a grown up, she can eat elsewhere by herself if she can't eat where's others want to eat. She wants everything down her way and that is selfish. Learn to read before you reply because your comments are pissing me off now.

She lives with her boyfriend, and that is a whole other story! He is more like her footman!

😄

Her sort always do. Adoring footmen always ready to perform all manner of arduous and not so arduous tasks for m'lady. Her parents are probably completely in her thrall too.

That would really piss me off and I'd have to say something!

I am disabled(it happened 8 years ago)and I'm constantly in pain but I'd never ruin other peoples plans,especially when those people are supposed to be your friends and the fact that you only meet up twice a year makes her sound all the more selfish.

Argh, I'm in two minds about this. I am a bit of a 'delicate flower'. I feel pain and cold easily, I get tired easily, I don't sleep well, and there are certain foods that give me ibs so I have to steer clear of them. I hate being this way, but my dad is the same and I think it's just the way I am (ectomorph type!)

I would be gutted if my friends thought I was a pain in the arse but I know one or two more robust friends probably do think I'm a bit of a princess at times. Dh does too, and as I keep telling him (I think he finally believes me nowadays), I would love to be tougher and stronger. I would hate to ever put anyone out on weekends away though, and often find myself biting my lip and going along with what everyone else wants as I don't want to be difficult!

I do feel quite sorry for your friend, but I am less sympathetic if she isn't aware or bothered about the effect her 'awkwardness' is having on you.

If she insists on be accompanied home, why don't you each take turns? Take her back to wherever in a taxi, then get a taxi back to join everyone else?

She sounds exhausting. And far too delicate to travel with normal people.