...about a 'delicate' friend?

[Nettletheelf]

I'm part of a group of six who have been friends for more than twenty years. We're all women in our forties.

We live in different parts of the country and go on holiday together twice a year: city breaks, spa breaks, that sort of thing.

One of our number (who I'm less friendly with than the others, but whom I still like) regards herself as 'delicate'. She has never been diagnosed with any health problems, but her delicacy manifests itself as follows:

• nights out have to be curtailed early because she 'gets tired easily' and can't go back to the hotel or airBnB on her own.

• many restaurant and cafe options are rejected because she has a delicate digestion and the menu doesn't suit it.

• when we find a restaurant or cafe that fits the specification, she has to choose the best chair because of her delicate joints.

• when we order wine in a restaurant, she won't have the same as everybody else because whatever everybody else likes somehow upsets her delicate stomach.

• says that she never sleeps in hotels or unfamiliar bedrooms, so everybody has to walk slowly in the morning because she is exhausted.

We've just returned from a trip, so I'm more irritated than I'd normally be. What I don't get is how she manages to take so many people in. Am I the unreasonable one? There's nothing medically wrong with the woman.

After a long-ish day out on our most recent trip, we decided to sit on the balcony and have a glass of wine. Delicate friend decided that she was going straight to bed because she was tired through not sleeping in unfamiliar beds, etc. After she said goodnight, one of the other members of the group said, "X has done well today hasn't she?"

Me: "Done well how?"

Friend: "well, it's been a long day and it's late for her" (it was 10.30 pm)

Me: "She's a grown up. She can cope with being up until 10.30".

Friend: "but she's a delicate little flower, isn't she?"

Me (laughing): "she's no more delicate than you or I!"

I resent being part of what feels like a ridiculous pantomime in which we're all expected to dance attendance on the dainty, delicate one. I think that cultivating 'delicacy' is a very good way of getting other people to dance to your tune.

Am I right or am I just intolerant?

Luckily I only see this particular friend twice a year. I see the others far more regularly.

I've no time for people like this. Genuinely ill friends I'll go to the ends of the earth for, but malingerers can fuck right off.

I worked with a woman who took two days off every single period. "Didn't like to take anything for it". Except two days unauthorised paid sick leave every 28 days apparently. The rest of us necked a couple of paracetamol and got on with it. And woe betide you if you didn't do her work while she was gone either.

Another one I've thankfully gotten shot of was someone who was constantly moaning about non-specific ailments and the fact that a wide range of foods and drink could send her to the hospital in days of agony. Would regularly check in on FB at the local A&E. Yet she was able to eat and drink absolutely everything over the course of a long weekend with us without any issue. Not a single thing was turned down or refused or even questioned as to what might be in it.

An elderly relative is utterly spoiled. I had the misfortune to take a trip with her and others and I will never do so again. Everything was to her schedule, her choice of venue, restaurant, shop, outing. Would sulk and strop if anyone suggested anything else to do on our trip. Was fussy and moaned about everything. Then after making the rest of us thoroughly miserable and hankering to get home, declared it a wonderful holiday.

Oh yes, and the group holiday with someone that had a dairy and gluten intolerance. I made sure that every meal I cooked had an option she could eat, including an appropriate home made dessert. Until I saw her eating buttered toast...

Do you all share a room? I can see DLF getting woken up if she goes to bed early and is then woken up by the others coming in later on, no matter how quiet you are.

So what? Roll over and go back to sleep. Stay at home if you can't handle that.

Haven't RTFT but does she actually used the word delicate in every example? If so she sounds like she wants speshul snowflake treatment rather than actually being ill.

I have a friend with a 'highly sensitive child' (TM) Everything has to be about her. Nobody can organize a playdate, a birthday party or an event with consulting her as to how her HSC can be accommodated. The last party I had for one of my dc she arrived at the party, telling me that her dd was a HSC therefore needed to win all of the party games

Linda I worked with a woman who took two days off every single period. "Didn't like to take anything for it". Except two days unauthorised paid sick leave every 28 days apparently. The rest of us necked a couple of paracetamol and got on with it.

Are you sure she "didn't like" to take anything? Only my period pains are so horrendous nothing works, and the drugs that have a small effect leave me vomiting. Sometimes I vomit anyway, and am bedbound, shaky, and delirious. Not everyone is fine with "a couple of paracetamol"...

But I do believe the OP... it brings to mind my ex's previous girlfriend, who made him all worried on our holiday because she supposedly discovered she had a terrible heart condition. A few months later she was doing that ten marathons in ten days thing across desert...

I have a friend with a 'highly sensitive child' (TM) Everything has to be about her. Nobody can organize a playdate, a birthday party or an event with consulting her as to how her HSC can be accommodated. The last party I had for one of my dc she arrived at the party, telling me that her dd was a HSC therefore needed to win all of the party games hmm

Jesus christ - and then people wonder why this generation are all spoilt and oversensitive "special snowflakes"...

I knew everyone would pick on the comment about not looking like she has food into,erances when reading the OPs post. That was unfortunate wording, but I expect the OP is frustrated by all the people suggesting the friend is really ill when it is patently obvious that she only acts 'delicate' when there is advantage in it for her. She works full time AND goes out dancing 3 times a week, so clearly isn't having to go to bed as soon as she gets in from work. And it's unlikely there is a joint problem because of the dancing. And she can sleep in hotels for work but not when away with friends.

Your delicate friend is a squeaky wheel OP. And the squeaky wheel will outlive you all.

MIL is food intolerant too, loads of stuff, mustard, oil, non organic beef /lamb/duck chicken etc. Makes dinner interesting.

She once said to me 'I can eat cake, as long as it's homemade'

Jesus christ - and then people wonder why this generation are all spoilt and oversensitive "special snowflakes"...

No one with more than half a brain cell would ever think that let alone wonder why it is

Love the suggestion upthread that the delicate flower is on a diet

Maybe she just needs some chips? or a slap

So much irony on this thread it's hilarious.

Sneery

Haven't RTFT but OP YANBU- she sounds rather selfish. I don't think having a MH problem would excuse the behaviour either. How can she have 'delicate joints' with so much dancing involved. I have hypermobile joints and constant pain from them; it doesn't mean I get the comfiest seat in a restaurant. As for early nights where everyone else has to accompany her home...😒

The last party I had for one of my dc she arrived at the party, telling me that her dd was a HSC therefore needed to win all of the party games

You should have used the mother as a pinata and given her a good whack.

Morriszapp re Hard Work Hazel she was your friend as well?
LOL

I could not stand this. I wouldn't be able to go.
Basically unless she has a proper serious illness I wouldn't be interested in any of this. She needs to stop thinking about her boring self.

I have t read the rest of the posts OP but she sounds a bit attention seeking/milking it. Maybe she's used to people pandering to her..!

StHeathensGrammar No, she actually had normal periods, quite light even. She let slip once that they were always like that. But she didn't like medicating, and preferred to treat her period pain with homeopathy and presumably two day bed rest. Work asked her for a doctors certification eventually after 18 months of absenteeism and she flounced.

I've worked with women who had horrendous pain and I'm very sympathetic considering I used to faint regularly with mine. This woman was just a pisstaker.

I can see how invisible illnesses are such a problem to others, going by this thread.
It's also easy to see why so many who have an invisible disability suffer due to society's attitudes.

A friend of mine fits the criteria of the op's "friend".
She works full time, travels regularly with work, has a fairly active hobby (not dancing though).
She also has a lot of the sensitivities described; digestion problems, needs a comfy chair, gets exhausted easily etc etc.
She learnt recently that she is autistic and has a little known condition called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS). She compensated her whole life, up until mid 50s, by carefully managing her life and putting up with various special snowflake comments, lost various friends as they over dramatised the strategies that she put into place, and felt that they impacted on them (eg couldn't go to Indian restaurants because the smell meant she felt sick all night, things like that). She could manage her day to day life, anything extra was very difficult for her. Luckily she has found a core group of friends who understand and are kind, and has dropped the ones who choose to believe she's being a drip.

I think it's fair to say that the majority of AIBU threads are dramatised for effect, and are very much one person's perspective of things, so I suspect if we heard what happens from another friend in the group, we may have a very diluted version of events. The friend may simply be attention seeking, but you don't know that for sure.
Like someone further up said, you could have your own strategies up your sleeve to manage this yourself, eg, you don't all have to drink the same, you could offer to order her a taxi, but if no one else is bitching about her/the situation, it might not be as much of a problem to them as it is to you.

It just sounds like you don't like her.

People are all different and either you like someone enough to djust to that or you don't.

I do expect adults to be able to judge best what's good or bad for them, and I respect that. I wouldn't want someone to do themselves damage to convenience me.

Think a lot of health problems are down to the fact people don't listen to themselves/their bodies sending warning signals any more, then expect a pill or an operation to fix it.

Maybe there is "nothing wrong with her" precisely she does respect her own limits. But if she just pushed through all the time, there would quickly be something wrong with her.

The dancing thing- well regular exercise does keep people healthy. More so than staying up late and drinking.

Everyone is different, and people are usually the best judge of their own limits.

I think all the commenters that are making excuses for her.. must be delicate little flowers too.

Thanks for the responses.

I do like DLF: she has many redeeming qualities, and as I said in my first post, we've been friendly for 20 years.

However, I don't like her behaviour when we're away in a group, and it appears that many posters feel similarly.

The thing about invisible illnesses is a bit of a red herring, I'm afraid. If you're ill, you're ill, but what you have a choice about is asking everybody else to modify their behaviour to accommodate you, all the time.

In answer to the diet question, I don't think she is necessarily on a diet, but my experience is that SOME people (puts Kevlar vest on, anticipating furious responses) invent food allergies or adopt a very restrictive way of eating as a means of weight control.

Yes, pain, I wondered about that, too!

@RhythmAndStealth - it's not just the fact that this friend is doing what is best for her, it's the way she expects her needs to dictate everything the group does.

So it would be fine for her to need or want to go to bed earlier than the rest of the group, but it is not fine for her to insist that the rest of the group go back to the hotel/AirBnB because she can't be alone.

It would be fine for her to have a limited diet, but not fine for to always dictate the choice of restaurant.

Has anyone ever asked her outright, to your knowledge, whether she is sick? For example, the friend who made the 'delicate flower' observation - were you not tempted to say then, what's up with her, is it something specific? I would be following up with THAT friend TBH to try to get to the bottom of it all.