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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I unreasonable not to lend her the money.

124 replies

Lonelymummyof1 · 30/05/2017 00:27

A friend ( not a very close friend ) often rings/ texts to ask if I could lend her some money normally 10 -20 pound but at least once a fortnight.
I have had a very weird time of it lately and not once has she messaged me.
Today same thing get a random text asking if it was possible to get 20 pound in to her account tonight ( that exactly how she asked)
I replied with do not have internet banking so impossible which was replied with instantly got pay pal ?
I decided not to but she said she had no electric or nappies for her young child.

Now I feel a bit guilty about not lending it.

OP posts:
Wormulonian · 30/05/2017 09:13

She is scamming you -there was no sponsorship, probably no interruption of her benefits (if she has a kid in nappies she won't be going in to sign on). She is or has been an addict of some kind (drugs, gambling, drink) and skagging has become her modus operandi she will have rationalised it to herself long ago and has no compunction in taking your money (and not paying it back).

GabsAlot · 30/05/2017 09:38

shes playing you sorry esp seeing as her dad seemed to lend her aswell

shs prob got a drug/drink habit or she just likes using people

Hedgehogparty · 30/05/2017 09:39

Shameless behavior, playing on your heartstrings telling you she needs nappies - I don't believe that at all.
You'll never get any of that money back, and she's no friend, just a sponger
I'm guessing once she realizes you won't give her more money, she'll give you abuse , then stop contact.

FrenchMartiniTime · 30/05/2017 09:40

She's treating you like a pay day loan except she isn't paying you back.

It's damn cheeky to constantly ask someone for money with no reason as to why she needs it or a thank you.

You could be millionaires, still doesn't mean she's entitled to hand outs from you. Her situation is her problem, not yours.

It does sound to me as if she's got some sort of habit, drugs or alcohol.

Just text her and say sorry but you are not willing to lend her anymore money. Cruel to be kind.

BewareOfDragons · 30/05/2017 09:45

Just tell her no, you won't be giving her any more money since she has never paid you back.

And never give people like this money for school fundraisers. Tell them you'll give it directly to the school.

UnbornMortificado · 30/05/2017 09:49

That aside the amounts she's asking for an supposedly urgency is addict behaviour.

That's just be speculating (I have a friend who's an alcoholic I've had the £10 for gas/leccy spiel a few times) I'm betting if you offered to buy the nappies or put the electric money on yourself she wouldn't need it any more.

Somerford · 30/05/2017 09:59

Online banking and instant transfers started to create a problem for me - friends asking for money by text or phone calls knowing that I'd do it for them online so they don't even have the hassle having to meet me to collect cash.

I have no problem at all with helping friends and family out and usually wouldn't ask for the money back if it was a relatively small amount (£10 or £20). One friend got into a routine of asking me to transfer money very regularly though and while they would usually pay it back, the urgency of the requests meant that I'd usually have to stop what I'm doing and start writing down sort codes and account numbers to transfer money. It became pretty much a weekly thing (sometimes several times per week) and she would often interrupt social occasions and I'd find myself awkwardly transferring money using my online banking mobile phone app during meals out, cinema or whatever else. I let it go on for far too long but eventually told her it was now a burden and that it needed to stop. She hasn't asked since.

I suppose what I'm saying is some people will quite happily take a mile when given an inch. At has to stop at some point though.

Mommawoo · 30/05/2017 10:04

You cant buy pampers and electric with PayPal, and it takes at least 2 days to transfer from paypal to the bank so her story of needing it by 6 doesnt add up.

Mommawoo · 30/05/2017 10:09

Sorry, not sure where I got 6 from Confused

notapizzaeater · 30/05/2017 10:31

I'd say no, if I was that desperate I'd sell something - anything. How many children has she got if you're paying for school events ? Are any of them actually in nappies ?

Therealslimshady1 · 30/05/2017 10:36

She is playing you. She is hards as nails, and you are a bit nice and soft...

She is not interested in you, would not be there for you if you hit hard times.

She is a user.

question is, why do you feel she can treat you this,way?!

Original poster
Lonelymummyof1 · 30/05/2017 11:19

Thankyou for the replies.
I think as a group of friends we all had out dynamics I was usually the one who "fixed" everything and could not say no until DD arrrived, and then she became my focus ad she had alot going on.
Thankyou to the ones who asked about her friday is the big day at the ROH ..eeeek.
I do feel that maybe I just kept doing it because my friends are fading away 1 by 1.

OP posts:
Assburgers · 30/05/2017 11:25

Why don't you work out how much you have leant her (just add up all the texts) then say you can't lend her any money, you're actually a bit skint yourself and were wondering when she'd be able to pay back the £200 (or thereabouts) she owed you.

You will probably not hear from her again.

The last line in your post above is quite sad! But it doesn't seem like she sees you as a friend. I wouldn't do this to my friends.

PickAChew · 30/05/2017 11:30

Tell her that you can't lend her any more money until she pays back the £x that she's already,"borrowed" this year.

She's taking the piss.

ijustwannadance · 30/05/2017 11:40

A real friend wouldn't do this to you.

Cut of her cash supply and you will never hear from her. Her financial issues are not your concern. It'll be for fags or drink or weed.

PoisonousSmurf · 30/05/2017 11:50

'Never borrow or a lender be'. This is a very good life lesson. I'd never dream of asking for money from friends. Relatives, yes, but never friends as it causes problems.

UnbornMortificado · 30/05/2017 16:50

Lonely I was on your previous thread if the ROH is what I think it is I hope your DD has an amazing time Flowers

Original poster
Lonelymummyof1 · 30/05/2017 17:10

Yes was it you who was very very kind.
She is going on friday to meet the ballet dancers and watch their rehearsals she is very very excited !

OP posts:
CatsAndCandles · 30/05/2017 17:20

You're obviously a kind person. Time now to be kind to yourself. Flowers

Xanadu44 · 31/05/2017 18:18

Don't lend her any more money. You're not a bank and she's taking advantage. Say you can't afford it, you're skint yourself sorry. Done.

Katie0705 · 31/05/2017 18:23

She is not your friend, she is a born user!

Don't let her prey on your good nature and kindness.
As for the sponser money, that's just a scam. The school would provide letters and a sponser form for you to see.

JaneEyre70 · 31/05/2017 18:48

When you are an adult and you have children, you become responsible and sort out your priorities. She's not doing that, and you are enabling her not to. Send a text back to say that you're really sorry but money is too precious to you to keep giving away and you hope she understands that you won't be doing it ever again. If that costs you her "friendship" then so be it.

AyUpMiDuck · 31/05/2017 19:04

It is actually begging. Be assertive. You are not helping her to manage her income by bailing her out. Agree with BimboBaggins don't make excuses about transfer methods. Just a plain NO.

Do you actually hear from her at other times or, only when she wants some money? Is she actually a proper friend?
If you want to give her a parting gift get washable nappies.

A friend is always in dire straits, to be fair she didn't ask me outright to sub her but I gave her the money to pay off a debt and told her it was a gift- I knew she would struggle to repay me and she was in a state. Sadly she is in debt again.

maybeitssomethingelse · 31/05/2017 19:15

I would say that you understand her situation, however as you've lent her money before and it hasn't been repaid, you are no longer in a position to help financially x

jayne1976 · 31/05/2017 19:47

Lend, suggests you'll be paid back. If she's not paid you back previous point this out and say you'd given her the money in good faith that at she had suggested it was a loan you would be paid back, and are struggling as it's not been paid back, so can't afford to give more money. Guess you won't hear from her again! Sorry not a true friend