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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I unreasonable not to lend her the money.

124 replies

Lonelymummyof1 · 30/05/2017 00:27

A friend ( not a very close friend ) often rings/ texts to ask if I could lend her some money normally 10 -20 pound but at least once a fortnight.
I have had a very weird time of it lately and not once has she messaged me.
Today same thing get a random text asking if it was possible to get 20 pound in to her account tonight ( that exactly how she asked)
I replied with do not have internet banking so impossible which was replied with instantly got pay pal ?
I decided not to but she said she had no electric or nappies for her young child.

Now I feel a bit guilty about not lending it.

OP posts:
Atenco · 30/05/2017 01:26

Hope your dd gets better soon.

I've had friends like that, that see everyone else as rich suckers frankly.

PeaFaceMcgee · 30/05/2017 01:27

She's a shady lady. I'd block her.

Original poster
Lonelymummyof1 · 30/05/2017 01:31

atenco that is exactly it in her opinion I must be rich and the first person to run to for money.
But I do feel a bit tired of it. She has morw than 1 child and pregnant.
One of them could surely get a job if things were so unbearable.
It just sad to think ds might not have nappies !

OP posts:
toffeeboffin · 30/05/2017 01:55

Block and move on, she's a user.

HappenedForAReisling · 30/05/2017 01:58

While I don't make it practice to lend money out myself, you could try getting a small loan through your parents?

Suggesting OP doesn't bankroll her is one thing (and sensible advice IMO) but don't suggest putting other people on the spot.

mynameislolita · 30/05/2017 02:09

.

emmyrose2000 · 30/05/2017 02:16

She's taking you for a mug. Why would you continually give money to someone who never pays it back? Do you ask for it back? How does she react?

Stop being a doormat and simply block her and move on with your life.

But first of all, demand she repay the money back that you've already given her. You won't see it, but it might shut her up for five minutes.

melj1213 · 30/05/2017 02:26

It just sad to think ds might not have nappies!

And that kind of emotional manipulation is exactly what she's relying on. That people would rather give her money (because you're not lending it if you never get it back) "for the children" than feel guilty for calling her bluff and potentially the kids genuinely going without, but it is not your responsibility.

It would be one thing if it was a one off or a rare occurance - I have had friends need to borrow a tenner at the end of the month for the electric, but because they do it so rarely and pay me back in kind, whether it's babysitting my DD or feeding the cats when I'm away, that I am more than happy to write off the occasional "loan" and don't ever expect repayment.

However, this woman is getting £30/40 a month almost every month from you because she is spinning you a line ... and goodness knows how many others as well. £40 a month could pay for DD and I to go out for dinner and to see a film as a treat; allow for a few treats in the shopping; go towards DDs new school shoes etc. If you can afford to give away that money, then fine, but if it's leaving you short then why does her family come before your own because of her failure to budget properly?

In future I'd just respond to any requests with "I'm sorry but you still haven't repaid the last £20 I lent you a couple of weeks ago. I cannot afford to give you any more money because it's leaving me short."

I would even be tempted to send her a message - not in response to one of her begging texts/calls but at a neutral time, so she can't see it is a direct pushback to that particular request - to ask her not to call/text for money any more.

"Dear Freeloader,

This is not an easy message to write but unfortunately it has now become necessary. Please do not ask me for any more money as I simply cannot afford to continue this way. You regularly call me to lend money but I rarely, if ever, see any of that money back and I am starting to feel like my generosity is being abused.

In the last month you have asked me for money three times, and I have given you £20 each time and you're asking me for another £20 despite that fact you've paid back none of the other "loans" or even offered. I simply cannot afford to give away £80 a month on a regular basis and so from now on I won't be lending you any more money. "

UnicornSparkles1 · 30/05/2017 02:30

She's not your responsibility.

Ginger782 · 30/05/2017 03:18

I agree with the others, stop being taken for a ride.
Important things when lending money:

  1. Never lend anything you can't afford to lose, or would be upset at losing.
  2. When someone needs money for something, if they don't qualify for rule 1 and you still want to help, buy it for them. That means do an online order for nappies/wipes/groceries and get them sent to her. Ask for a copy of the electricity bill and you will pay it directly to the company.
mimishimmi · 30/05/2017 04:22

Tell her to piss off. A good friendship needs that every now and then.

bloodymaria · 30/05/2017 04:29

Please stop giving her money! It's not your responsibility. She is failing her dc if she's not managing to budget for nappies. Wonder if she could access a food bank or a crisis grant? Maybe point her in the direction of CAB and then block.

Expat38matt · 30/05/2017 04:30

Honestly beware of the financial favour from someone who learned the hard way
Several seemingly small but at the time "emergency" bail outs which make you feel good for coming to the rescue
My ex friend owes me almost 400 all in and then ghosted me and still does
!!

ChasedByBees · 30/05/2017 04:31

Gosh, she sees you as a source of money because she thinks you're wealthier than her and so she 'deserves' to share in that.

But she's not contacted you about your DD being ill if I've understood. She sounds horrible. Her child won't be without nappies. She's spinning you a line.

Thebluedog · 30/05/2017 04:50

I agree with others that you should stop lending her money.

If you feel that bad about her baby being without nappies you could always Suggest you send her some Grin

RebootYourEngine · 30/05/2017 05:04

DO NOT FEEL BAD. It will be lies. She wont need the money for nappies, she will need it for herself. She is not your friend, i would cut her off completely.

Aebj · 30/05/2017 05:27

If you really feel the need to carry on supporting her, do an online shop for her.
Only get things for the children. Nappies, wipes etc. that way you know they will not go short. If she complains then she certainly doesn't need the money.

mathanxiety · 30/05/2017 05:50

Does she have an abusive partner who does not give her money for necessities or controls money in some other way?

bimbobaggins · 30/05/2017 06:43

She sees you as a soft touch, you say you've had a weird time recently and she hasn't messaged you but can message ok for money.

The mistake you have made is saying you don't have internet banking, that gives the impression you would give the money but can't transfer it. You need to be more clear and say you aren't lending anything as you have no spare cash and you never get anything back

LeninaCrowne · 30/05/2017 06:59

She's one of these people who don't see that loans have to be paid back, and thinks that once someone has been tapped up for money they can give again and again.

I would be blunt with her and tell the the bank-of-lonely has stopped giving out money. She's not much of a friend - you'll probably just get abuse of her if you did that - but ultimately it's her loss.

Iamastonished · 30/05/2017 07:24

Agree with everyone else. Offer to order said articles on line for delivery to her house and see what she says. If she gets arsey with you then it will be obvious that the money is probably for drink or drugs or something similar.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 30/05/2017 07:25

If she's on a low income she should be receiving child benefit and child tax credits. If she is receiving these and not providing electricity for her child then that's a safeguarding issue really. As for nappies, you can buy reusable ones.

RuggerHug · 30/05/2017 07:38

Honestly just stop. As someone who is owed several grand from a former friend because of last minute 'loans' that were never paid back start saying no NOW.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 30/05/2017 07:57

Not unreasonable at all, shes an adult with a child and needs to face her responsibilities and provide for herself. If people keep giving her money she has no reason to change and face reality.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 30/05/2017 08:05

She can approach her HV and food bank if nappies are an issue

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