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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if people who so frequently reply with LTB are genuinely trying to help

31 replies

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 28/05/2017 21:30

there are so many replies on here that suggest LTB as a 'fit all' solution. I am curious if those of you who have said it, have genuinely weighed everything up before replying or if it's a knee jerk response that is easier to type than fully comprehend?

OP posts:
Aridane · 28/05/2017 21:31

I think it's often a knee jerk response

Smeaton · 28/05/2017 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Imbroglio · 28/05/2017 21:35

Sometimes.

But I think that sometimes people know that they need to leave and post enough details to get the validation they need to actually do it. That is not a criticism. Leaving / ending an abusive relationship is extremely hard.

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 28/05/2017 21:36

There's a lot of projecting going on and that's not helpful.

In some situation LTB can be helpful but it's overused here.

NellieFiveBellies · 28/05/2017 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Calvinlookingforhobbs · 28/05/2017 21:37

I see it so often in a post and wonder if these people in real life would give the same advice to a friend or sister etc.

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 28/05/2017 21:38

It is better in most instances where the person genuinely needs to cu someone right out of their life, than saying 'suck it up, you made your bed' nonsense.

Aartappel · 28/05/2017 21:40

It really depends on the poster. There are those who genuine use LTB when it's a LTB-warranting situation, and then there are those who use LTB whenever someone deviates even the littlest bit from what they perceive to be the "perfect husband" be it in terms of communication, sex drive, work ethic etc.

SheWhoMustNotBeTamed · 28/05/2017 21:41

I don't say it 'often' but I have said it.

Yes I have thought of it as it's usually when the OP is in an abusive situation and yes, LTB is what is best for them.

With minor arguments, certain infidelities, some negative character traits it could be attempted to work through first before LTB but ultimately if someone won't change and is making you and / or the kids miserable then they probably should leave.

WorknameJimEllis · 28/05/2017 21:43

The LTB response is vital.

Women are so conditioned to try and try again - mn is a great public service by saying, do you know what... stop trying and go.

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 28/05/2017 21:44

It is better in most instances where the person genuinely needs to cu someone right out of their life, than saying 'suck it up, you made your bed' nonsense.

It often turns into a "you made your bed nonsense" though. Posters start asking the OP whether she's LTB yet, they start telling her she's had somegood advice but hasn't followed it and it turns into a "suck it up, because you haven't LTB" thread.

MycatsaPirate · 28/05/2017 21:46

I have only said it in jest - ie someone's husband ate their kitkat or something

or when someone is posting that their husband or partner is hitting them, abusing them in some way or is treating them so badly that their self confidence is destroyed.

I wouldn't say it if it was something less serious. It's down to someone to judge for themselves if their marriage is worth saving but I think in some situations a woman can be so downtrodden, so beaten down that she literally cannot see how bad things are.

I talked to a young woman years ago on netmums, she was struggling with her boyfriend, they had a child and she was pregnant again. He was taking class A drugs, stealing from her and shouting abuse at her. She was in bits, she had no money to pay the rent as he had taken it all and I talked to her for months. The upshot is she left him, she gave birth with her mum by her side. She now has two healthy happy children, she's just finished her degree and is very happy with a lovely guy who treats her well. That was about 7 years ago now, I've remained friends with her and can see the amazing difference in her from that young woman who just had no confidence to the person she is today.

Sometimes LTB is the only thing to say.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 29/05/2017 05:50

OPs like this come along from time to time but I have never seen LTB used in a "knee-jerk" way (not sure what that means tbh). Usually these threads are a dig at a particular poster - is that the case in this instance?

Yes there are the jokey ones, but most often it is as WorknameJimEllis says. People are actually saying "leaving is an option". I get frustrated with the "have you tried talking to him?" questions, because OF COURSE the OP has tried the obvious things (and has often said so in their OP) - they are asking for advice because they have often run out of ideas. The LTB isn't an order, it's putting it on the table as an option. If more people understood that maybe fewer men would take women for granted. I have seen several threads where people have come back and said that they didn't consider leaving at the time, but the thread had sowed the seed that there was a way out of the situation and eventually they did leave

And of course you're unlikely to say the same things to people in RL! I suspect people are thinking it though. OPs post deliberately looking for the advice that they are not getting in RL, and often disclose things that they wouldn't tell their friends and relatives too

peukpokicuzo · 29/05/2017 06:22

I don't tend to use the LTB acronym except when being flippant about stolen kitkats, but will regularly advise a woman in a crap abusive situation to leave. I don't do so thoughtlessly as suggested in this op. I genuinely believe too many women have been conditioned to accept emotional/financial or even physical abuse as just something that they have to live with. Each of them will already be receiving enormous pressure to stay and put up with the crap they are being subjected to. Balancing that pressure by advocating for the alternative is supportive.

I also do post on threads with suggestions that don't involve leaving the bastard, if the details the op gives show that their oh is a decent person deep down and the stresses on the partnership could be tackled with goodwill and effort on both sides. Abusers do not come into this category and sadly there are a lot of them about.

Trifleorbust · 29/05/2017 06:23

I think they are genuinely trying to help, but sometimes it's a 'tough love' approach because the OP really should have worked out LTB for herself.

LedaP · 29/05/2017 06:55

I have used LTB twice in my 7 years here. And when i posted it, it was alongside a longer post.

There are some posters that seem to appear on all threads relating to realtionship problems and always say ltb.

But i would say the majority of people saying it know exactly how hard it is. It doesnt mean its not the right thing.

What i do hate is when the thread starts being supporting then descends into 'why havent you left' and 'you are going to stay arent you?' And 'you have made your bed' etc.

MissionItsPossible · 29/05/2017 07:07

I am new to this site and it's fast becoming one of my favourites, not only because it's one of few forums where you can explicitly swear as much as you like and it's fast moving with lots of users, but because the responses to every day things are often OTT and outrageously and blatantly untrue! Like there's a thread about "AIBU - some woman in the supermarket got the last half priced chicken when I was about to take it". Response: "Well I would have told her to fuck right off right there and then and grabbed the chicken from her greedy grabby hands!" No you wouldn't, lol.

twattymctwatterson · 29/05/2017 08:15

I've seen this post before but I genuinely only ever see people advising posters to LTB when there's abuse or unfaithfulness in the relationship. Do you not think L'ingTB is good advice in those scenarios? I will say it when I think the OP needs to hear it

Hassled · 29/05/2017 08:20

I think it is very hard to remember that what you're reading in an OP is often just a snapshot, and it's one side of the story, and it has been written in the heat of the moment and so the language is emotionally charged. And so people respond accordingly with "that's clearly abuse, LTB", and I can see why - it's hard to keep some perspective sometimes.

But equally there are OPs which are so horrific, where the poster is putting up with so much crap and is clearly so unhappy that they probably do need to hear a random internet stranger saying this isn't going to get better and you need to leave.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 29/05/2017 08:21

What makes you think they're not trying to help?

Some of the behaviours women put up with are horrendous. Why not suggest there is life outside this relationship?

PainCanBeBeautiful · 29/05/2017 17:20

People love twisting the original post lol

I get what you mean op and I see it so often and try to explain why they are being stupid in saying that but I become a man lover or accused of being a man so I just step away and let the madness continue these days.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 29/05/2017 17:37

What does the OP mean? People should stick together even when one partner is behaving appallingly? Why is it 'stupid' to suggest they don't have to?

PainCanBeBeautiful · 29/05/2017 17:42

there are a lot of posters who comment that for the slightest upset. Even when the op has come back and said no he is not like that it was a one off situation they still et told to leave because of how sexist their partner is. Then start inventing scenarios. If you don't get it that's ok but I'm not willing to come back and explain any further.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 29/05/2017 17:47

I'm not willing to come back and explain any further.

Riight. Grin That's a novel approach on a discussion board.

Anyway, I don't get it. I've been reading the relationship threads for a long time and no, I haven't seen lots of posters who comment that for the slightest upset.
I haven't seen posters told to leave simply because their partners are sexists etc.

Oh well.

MissWilmottsGhost · 29/05/2017 18:06

I have advised posters to dump their partner.

I think those of us who have been in abusive relationships recognize the warning signs in others, and know that staying and trying to fix things simply will not work. When one half of a couple is on a power trip there is nothing the other can do to make things right, whatever they do will only be seen as proof of weakness to be further exploited. The longer they stay the more misery there will be, so LTB is the only thing to do and the sooner the better.

Having been there, we know that sometimes a stranger saying "this is not right and you don't have to do it" is just what is needed.

Also, we do know it isn't that easy, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be said.