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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a shag?

61 replies

Cackleberry4 · 28/05/2017 19:37

I am in a warm, loving, affectionate and sexless marriage.

I cannot recall the last time we DTD, three plus years at least.

He doesn't even wake up with morning glory any longer! I am not overly desperate for sex but I am mildly concerned that he isn't even starting the day standing to attention.

I've tried talking to him but he brushes it to oneside.

I simply don't know how to get him to find out where his sex drive has gone!

OP posts:
SleightOfHand · 28/05/2017 21:15

Your husband is being U for dismissing the problem. It's no good him burying his head in the sand. You'll have to explain how unhappy it's making you.

SleightOfHand · 28/05/2017 21:18

Oh come on OP, you know what AIBU is like. Maybe move it to relationships or sex thread.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 28/05/2017 21:19

Why are the responses odd Confused

crazykitten20 · 28/05/2017 21:22

If he won't talk to you about sex and isn't concerned about your concern , then he lacks compassion / love.

Or at least he puts his own feelings before yours.

LTB????

Only if you can't get it sorted and sex is important enough to you to want to find it elsewhere. I'm assuming it is important to you - or why start an AIBU thread?

Likeaninjanow · 28/05/2017 21:24

Your question was 'am I being unreasonable to want a shag?'. The answers have stated no, you are not being unreasonable. Some responses were strongly worded, but that was the gist. Why ask, if you don't want answers?? I'm confused. Totally confusedConfused

Joey7t8 · 28/05/2017 21:29

Seeing as it doesn't seem to be important to him, would your husband be bothered if you had sex with someone else? Would you want to have sex with someone else?

PeaFaceMcgee · 28/05/2017 21:34

You're doing the same as your husband now. It's ok to not have sex if you both agree and are happy with that. But you posted this thread so, that's clearly not where you're at.

I simply don't know how to get him to find out where his sex drive has gone!

You can't make him do anything if he won't talk to you. THIS is your problem. A marriage is about love, companionship AND communication.

Figaro2017 · 28/05/2017 21:51

I think the OP is more looking to work with her husband to find a solution and is looking for help in how to get his co operation rather than part exchanging him for a different model.

Repair rather than replace!

metspengler · 29/05/2017 01:28

Yanbu.

I'm in the same boat.

FlapAttack88 · 29/05/2017 01:37

best to walk away

Ah so you're taking fox s advice after all?!

Poor Fox!

squoosh · 29/05/2017 01:38

I've tried talking to him but he brushes it to oneside.

You need to sit him down and spell it out in big letters, illustrate to him very clearly that you are not happy. Force him to listen and don't allow him to brush your concerns aside.

If he continues to ignore well then maybe your marriage isn't as warm and affectionate as you think.

squoosh · 29/05/2017 01:40

Some really odd responses. I think it is best I walk awy.

Sounds like you and DH are both comfortable with heads firmly in the sand!

Xoticdreamz · 29/05/2017 01:50

Viagra may be helpful . I think sometimes men just lose the hard on ability and it becomes a huge issue in there head that makes sex a big no no .
It can be solved if talked about

roundaboutthetown · 29/05/2017 01:59

He may be frightened of the possible reasons - eg increased risk of heart attack or stroke in men who develop erectile dysfunction.

HelenaDove · 29/05/2017 02:12

Its been 21 years since DH and i had a physical relationship. Hes never been in the best of health and he had a big heart attack in 2006 which has left him with permanent health issues. Hes not a huggy person so there is none of that either. Im ok with it most of the time but feeling a bit wistful at the moment. The feelings i have about it sort of come and go in peaks and troughs.

I did have a 4 year affair after seven years of no physical contact.

But DH has my back in lots of other ways.

i know i will be ok. Reading some of the threads about dating on the Relationships board have been a real help. As a reminder that im much better off as i am than on a dating scene where shaving off pubic hair, anal and multi dating (horrible American import) is the norm.

squoosh · 29/05/2017 02:16

im much better off as i am than on a dating scene where shaving off pubic hair, anal and multi dating (horrible American import) is the norm.

Plenty of people on the dating scene who have full bush and no anal!

HelenaDove · 29/05/2017 02:20

YY Squoosh fair point but it has created a sweetshop mentality and i want no part of it even if i was single.

Trifleorbust · 29/05/2017 06:39

I think you sound a bit aggressive tbh. Perhaps he's picking up on elements of that? Could be why he doesn't 'start the day standing to attention' - hint: he's a person, not GI Joe.

Limitededitionseveninch · 29/05/2017 08:10

I genuinely don't get posters who start threads in AIBU and then get all snappy and rude when some people offer opinions or advice which they don't like. It's a public and anonymous forum and therefore as people aren't invested in the OP they can be honest, even if that does hurt feelings.

OP, I doubt we will see you again, but although the lack of sex is something which some couples experience, the brushing it aside would be the biggest worry for me. That would suggest that not all is as "warm and loving" as you say.

roundaboutthetown · 29/05/2017 08:40

Nope, it suggests fear to me, not lack of warmth. You don't have an otherwise loving, affectionate relationship with someone who lacks "warmth." Hmm

TheNaze73 · 29/05/2017 08:45

The reason could be attitude related. If you are as rude to him as you were to fox on here, I can understand why.

He's either getting it elsewhere or needs medical help

roundaboutthetown · 29/05/2017 08:53

If you bothered to read the OP's post properly, you would see why she was angry to be told to LTB. You do not leave an otherwise loving, affectionate marriage because you are mildly concerned about the reasons for a partner's loss of libido, ffs.

Figaro2017 · 29/05/2017 09:03

To be honest, the 'fuck off fox" was a fair enough response. She had already said she was happy in her marriage apart from one thing. To get a LTB with no further exploration of the issue is just ridiculous.

He's a human being not a washing machine to be replaced when it has a small fault.

FanaticalFox · 29/05/2017 09:17

Thanks for mostly your positive responses to my post. LTB wasnt really saying he's a bastard, its just an expression on mumsnet to say leave him, so don't look too much into the bastard bit i wasnt trying to be offensive! BUT my response was NOT because he isn't having sex but because of his lack of wanting to discuss and address the issue! Totally different and in my view fair, if he doesn't want to discuss and its a problem for the OP then it obviously isn't a fully loving warm marriage - my DH would be upset and want to do what he can to fix things if i was upset about a part of our marriage and vice versa. Thats what i meant by LTB because if my husband wasnt willing to engage and it had been years without sex and i was unhappy then eventually i would leave. If you're not having sex and you're ok with that then fine dont leave - but then you wouldnt start a thread looking for advice and saying you want a shag.

FanaticalFox · 29/05/2017 09:18

*engage in CONVERSATION just to be clear!