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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Toxic friend

36 replies

PeoniesGinandBags · 28/05/2017 17:15

Not sure if I'm being over-sensitive so here goes....

I've got a work colleague that I became good friends with - went on holiday together a few times, nights out etc etc. Over the past year or so her personality and 'likes' has changed pretty dramatically. For example, her favourite hobby is now fell running.... something she wouldn't have done before. And when I say before I mean pre-boyfriend.

I'm all for trying new things etc but it's seriously like she has had a complete personality/hobby transplant. She talks differently, acts differently, wears completely different clothes now etc etc. And I promise, this isn't some kind of feeling of jealousy or being pushed out. I've been happily married for ten years and introduced her to her now-boyfriend.

The thing is that I recently found out that she'd been calling me all kinds of horrible names - really juvenile school stuff I know. I asked her about and she denied it, then blamed loads of other people (saying they were lying) and then owned up saying that she thinks she said things when 'she was in a bad mood'. She can get pretty emotional, I know that, so we agreed to set it to one side and just accept that things would be weird for a while, we'd sort it out etc.

A couple of weeks later she backed out of a trip to New York we were supposed to be going on. She said that obviously I could still go but it felt weird between us now . I took the kit (financially) and decided no, I didn't want to travel alone. I told her that I wouldn't be going.

Today I see from her IG account that she's in New York with a group of girls she's friendly with. I'm pretty angry/upset about it all and just can't figure her out. I'm always so careful about her feelings (even her Mum has asked me in the past to keep an eye on her, she can struggle with things) but honestly I feel like she has taken the p*

She's slagged me off, blamed other people, then accepted that she was being a bitch., then backed out of a holiday and then went anyway.

I don't know why I'm bothered but I am!!! Please help with some words of wisdom!

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacle · 28/05/2017 17:17

LTB!

TheWitTank · 28/05/2017 17:20

You are better than that shit. Dump her, block her and move on with nicer people.

Original poster

PeoniesGinandBags · 28/05/2017 17:20

Okay new to the acronyms so I'm guessing Lose The B?!

OP posts:

Original poster

PeoniesGinandBags · 28/05/2017 17:22

I honestly don't know why I'm so bothered - I'm such a sap! I know other friends keep saying that she uses me like some kind of crutch at work but I'm such a pushover... and I don't know how not to be! How do I deal with her at work??? I don't have to work in the same office as her but we are in the same school so do see each other in the corridors/staff room etc

OP posts:

Anothernewnn · 28/05/2017 17:22

She's not your friend OP. DUMP her and move be on

keeplooking · 28/05/2017 17:22

Leave TB!

Not really words of wisdom, but she doesn't sound like much of a friend. It's not an equal, healthy friendship, is it? She sounds like she's treating you like a doormat. I'm sure you can do better, op.

user1495915742 · 28/05/2017 17:23

Well, for whatever reason, she clearly doesn't like you.

I would give her a very wide berth. If your paths cross at work then be uber professional but other than that don't interact with her. Just accept that she's a nutter and you've had a lucky escape.

Original poster

PeoniesGinandBags · 28/05/2017 17:25

Thanks ladies for your advice. I'm not good with the awkwardness so if I see someone - anyone - I'm always like "Hi!!! How are you?" All smiley like there's something wrong with me.

It sounds ridiculous I know but it's making me feel so anxious.

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 28/05/2017 17:26

LTB is usually leave the bastard - applied usually to errant husbands and cocklodging boyfriends. It applies here too.

I would LTB. At work be icy cool and professional and no more.

TheWitTank · 28/05/2017 17:27

If you have to see her, remain polite but distant. Don't mention the New York trip (the fact she missed yours or went with others). Unfollow on any social media if you can't block or delete because of awkwardness at work. You are not a sap for being bothered, but just keep reminding yourself she is a dickhead, slagged you off and doesn't deserve your friendship.

AlternativeTentacle · 28/05/2017 17:28

To be perfectly honest you should have gone to New York on your own though or taken someone else.

ChasedByBees · 28/05/2017 17:29

Perhaps have a prop - take out your phone and look pre occupied and just give a slight nod at most.

Perhaps practice not being gushing with 'hello!' Practice mentally and out loud if needed at home. You don't need to feel anxious, she's the one which has been awful. Just keep your distance and be professional when you see her.

Monkeypuzzle32 · 28/05/2017 17:29

Block on social media then act as if she was always only a colleague you barely know.

user1495915742 · 28/05/2017 17:29

If you see her in the staffroom, just carry on doing what you are doing. Pretend you haven't seen her. Don't smile. Don't acknowledge her.

If you need to speak to her about a work thing, do just that. Don't ask her how she is or what she's been up to. Just talk to her directly.

I have very few work friends. I find it far easier to keep the two separate.

Vroomster · 28/05/2017 17:30

Definitely LTB.

Just be professional at work, nothing else. Don't contact her. She is a shit friend.

FrenchMartiniTime · 28/05/2017 17:49

LTB!

Horrible toxic friend. Life is too short.

Hissy · 28/05/2017 17:57

Why on earth would you think you owe her even the basic of kindnesses?

After NY and her pissing off with friends knowing she'd let you down and made you lose out financially, there's no more tonne said

Be cool with her and if she has the audacity to do much as raise an eyebrow remind her that she's made it abundantly clear that not only are you not a friend to her, that you've lost out money because of her AND she calls you names. Suggest if she wants some more material, by all means stick around cos you have a few names for her... but if she's the coward you think she is, best she scuttle off back under the rock from whence she came and stay the hell out of your sight.

I had a two faced person in my life once... when she tried all the sweetie nice stuff after I knew I said "oh I would stop and chat, but I don't do two-faced as you do, but feel free to carry on without me"

AfunaMbatata · 28/05/2017 18:01

I'd seriously tell her to go fuck herself with a rusty fork then be ice cold at work.

What a bitch.

ArchieStar · 28/05/2017 18:04

She sounds like an awful friend. You could either cut all contact immediately or slowly phase her out, either way she's not a proper friend to you. It hurts when things like this happen, but now you've seen her true colours!

KC225 · 28/05/2017 18:13

You don't need people like that in your life. How did you introduce her to her new boyfriend? Is he a friend or yours, your DH?

I agree with the other posters, she has behaved badly. I am always suspicious of girls who become their new boyfriend, it is so pathetic. Be civil as you work together. Do not ask questions or be alone with her so she can confide in you and block her on social media you do not need to know what she gets up to.

Something tells me, she has very few long term friends. Do not leave yourself open on case it goes badly with the new guy. You cannot let her do this to you again. It's her loss OP your only crime was to try and be a good friend.

EllenRipley · 28/05/2017 18:32

Ugh, that's awful! She's revealed herself to be a total dick - and a weirdo. Don't question yourself. And make sure when you see her you are bright, breezy and unperturbed by her behaviour. Lose the B.

Original poster

PeoniesGinandBags · 28/05/2017 18:38

Thank you for all your advice ladies. She's been with her boyfriend for about 18 months now... I knew him as an aquaintance through work and knew that physically he was definitely her type. It was all very casual, certainly for him, at first so I think that she has tried to be his 'ideal woman' if that makes sense.... buying into (literally!) the outdoorsy thing. I did try and jokingly give her a nudge about it a while back but she was not at all receptive and just went on and on about how her family are talking about the fact that she's changed. So,I left it.

A prop at work sounds like a good idea! And certainly practising in advance. I think I've found it hard with her as she's ended up in tears at work (about a range of issues - nothing to do with me) on a few occasions and I've always been the one she's come to for a chat to feel better. Because of my background professionally I'm super sensitive towards people feeling bad about themselves etc and basically think that on this occasion I've worked too hard at seeing the good in someone.

We were so close at one point - it's like a relationship with a romantic partner has ended.... you know that awful feeling you get, even when you've done nothing wrong?

Thanks for all your advice - I'm glad that I'm not just being soft! xx

OP posts:

Earlybird · 28/05/2017 19:20

Ugh. That is a tough situation.

The friendship is over - damaged beyond repair. Don't have a big discussion with her to explain how you feel - that is what you'd do if you were trying to salvage things.

Just be light and breezy, but keep your distance. Do not engage with her on any level other than superficial.

Original poster

PeoniesGinandBags · 28/05/2017 19:25

Yes it's tricky. I was okay - trying to just be civil etc but it's the strangest thing - one day she'll blank me in the corridor and the next will be asking if I'm okay, has she done anything to upset me?! It's emotionally exhausting. I wish that I genuinely wasn't arsed but yes, I'm really annoyed with her about our 'cancelled' trip. Earlier, before I found out she was there due to her online photos, I'd even messaged her to let her know about a sale at a bridal shop (a friend of hers is getting married and she'd mentioned the expensive prices but lovely dresses). No acknowledgement, no nothing! I'm such a moron.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 28/05/2017 19:31

I think she is probably very conflicted emotionally about you and your friendship - how she is behaving towards you is awful but at least she feels bad about it!!!! Didn't know how to step back a bit so as resorted to this sort of thing to make herself feel better about her wanting to distance you.

It sucks

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