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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Toxic friend

36 replies

PeoniesGinandBags · 28/05/2017 17:15

Not sure if I'm being over-sensitive so here goes....

I've got a work colleague that I became good friends with - went on holiday together a few times, nights out etc etc. Over the past year or so her personality and 'likes' has changed pretty dramatically. For example, her favourite hobby is now fell running.... something she wouldn't have done before. And when I say before I mean pre-boyfriend.

I'm all for trying new things etc but it's seriously like she has had a complete personality/hobby transplant. She talks differently, acts differently, wears completely different clothes now etc etc. And I promise, this isn't some kind of feeling of jealousy or being pushed out. I've been happily married for ten years and introduced her to her now-boyfriend.

The thing is that I recently found out that she'd been calling me all kinds of horrible names - really juvenile school stuff I know. I asked her about and she denied it, then blamed loads of other people (saying they were lying) and then owned up saying that she thinks she said things when 'she was in a bad mood'. She can get pretty emotional, I know that, so we agreed to set it to one side and just accept that things would be weird for a while, we'd sort it out etc.

A couple of weeks later she backed out of a trip to New York we were supposed to be going on. She said that obviously I could still go but it felt weird between us now . I took the kit (financially) and decided no, I didn't want to travel alone. I told her that I wouldn't be going.

Today I see from her IG account that she's in New York with a group of girls she's friendly with. I'm pretty angry/upset about it all and just can't figure her out. I'm always so careful about her feelings (even her Mum has asked me in the past to keep an eye on her, she can struggle with things) but honestly I feel like she has taken the p*

She's slagged me off, blamed other people, then accepted that she was being a bitch., then backed out of a holiday and then went anyway.

I don't know why I'm bothered but I am!!! Please help with some words of wisdom!

OP posts:

couchparsnip · 28/05/2017 19:38

It's awful isn't it. I had one of these and my life is so much easier now I've distanced myself. My 'friend' would be nice if I saw her but treated me so badly. I loaned her money and it took a long time and lots of reminding to get it back. She used to arrange to meet me and then be an hour late or not turn up. It took me far too long to realise she was using me. I was such an idiot.

Trollspoopglitter · 28/05/2017 19:51

"I'm fine X. Why do you keep asking - do you feel guilty about something?"

nina2b · 28/05/2017 19:58

She sounds barking and a cow to boot. Have nothing more to do with the weirdo.

Mysteriouscurle · 28/05/2017 20:08

"I'm fine" and keep walking or turn away to speak to someone else straight away would serve you well I think when she asks. If she persists in the have I upset you bollocks 2 words should do it. New York. Or any other 2 words you might think appropriate

user1471545174 · 28/05/2017 20:39

You have to lose people like this, OP.

mumofthemonsters808 · 29/05/2017 09:59

Just to echoe what everyone else has said, for your own piece of mind you need to walk away, you can't allow someone to treat you so badly, regardless of how long you've been friends.

rizlett · 29/05/2017 10:04

Remember op - you are a good enough person just as you are without having to do or give anyone else anything at all.

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 29/05/2017 10:20

If she approaches you again, then a polite smile and "I'm fine" and nothing else. Carry on with what you're doing or carry on walking.

If she tries to stop you to talk, then tell her it's not a good time and you're pretty busy. Carry on with what you're doing or carry on walking.

If she at any point twigs that things aren't rosy, and wants to know if she's done anything wrong, I would be blunt with her:

"Actually yes. You've blown hot and cold on me for months - one minute you blank me, the next you want to chat. But the icing on the cake was when you backed out of the NY trip we'd planned because you didn't want to go anymore, then plastered pictures of yourself on social media in NY with a different group. I wouldn't have minded so much if you'd been honest with me. I don't feel that we have much in common any more so I think it's best that we go our separate ways. Best of luck for the future."

Original poster

PeoniesGinandBags · 30/05/2017 11:27

You are all great - thanks so much for your help. I have steely determination and resolve now!

OP posts:

Oldraver · 30/05/2017 11:35

Cool, calm and indifferent. And dont let her come to cry on your shoulder

ChuffMuffin · 30/05/2017 11:43

She sounds like she's a total user. You're her reserve friend, good enough to be there for her when she wants you for something, but she drops you like a ten ton boulder once she's got what she wants. Plus she sounds like a nasty two faced cow to boot. Her behaviour is nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her being an awful person.

Learn from Mariah. This is your new mantra.

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