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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To find this disrespectful?

124 replies

Littlemissindependent · 28/05/2017 08:25

'D'p and I on a weekend break. Fairly new relationship but so far all going really well. Yesterday afternoon whilst out, 3 'women' pissed out of their trees thought it would be hilarious to flash him their boobs Hmm. Which he then thoughtfully high fived them for.
I will be the first to admit that I have feck all self confidence, so a very small part of me does wonder if I'm in the wrong. But for the most part I just feel he was really disrespectful and inconsiderate towards me. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
exaltedwombat · 29/05/2017 17:48

He's out with the girl of his dreams, three more give him a rather over-the-top version of a wolf whistle! Are you really going to throw cold water on his euphoria? He KNOWS it isn't real. Honestly.

Emmageddon · 29/05/2017 18:09

I can't see that what he did was so terrible. I think it shows he's got a sense of humour, and an easy way about him. If he'd tutted and pursed his lips, I'd have been mildly irritated. If he'd blushed and turned away, I'd have been a bit worried about what kind of man I was dating. I think you are reading way too much into his instant reaction to an incident that wasn't in any way a threat to you.

0124oconn · 29/05/2017 18:29

Its what men do. Take no notice. I spent a lot of time in the forces and eventually I got to a point where I thought like a man. Instinct takes over and nice young women walking down the street flashing their tits at me. What a feast.

Lovingit81 · 29/05/2017 18:57

It's not what men do, he's a scumbag. My husband would never respond like that. The women who think it's ok are being treated like shit by every man they know clearly. Yuk. Get rid of him!

Tapandgo · 29/05/2017 18:59

Trashy women - 'laddish' response if you are 18 maybe. Other than that uncool, disrespectful and immature.

I wouldn't let it split the relationship up if you are happy otherwise. He might just need to grow up.

Lovebeingmama · 29/05/2017 19:19

We all have our own standards and values. If he doesn't match yours then you need to move on. You'd both be better with someone else.
Personally, I wouldn't be at all happy and get all judgey pants about it.
If he'd been brilliant apart from this then I might be tempted to let it go as a temporary loss of taste. Otherwise it'd be the end.
I personally wouldn't feel comfortable or respect someone whose behaviour made me cringe.

Jedimum1 · 29/05/2017 19:58

I wouldn't over think it. When in awkward or unexpected situations, we sometimes react to break the awkwardness without even thinking it. We might laugh, giggle, pretend nothing happened... Or high five... I wouldn't think much of it to be honest. I found myself laughing and smiling at a similar group last weekend, whilst my DH looked in embarrassment. I'd be more freaked out if he had pretended he didn't see them and then stare in disguise... Like this, openly and with you next to him, I'd take it as "on the spur of the moment weird reaction" to break the awkwardness, nothing to be concerned about.
I'd say that you need to work on your self-esteem if you worry about him looking around: confidence is sexy, constant self-doubt is not. At the same time, looking is just looking, it doesn't mean we love the person next to us any less. :) Don't worry, it sounds as if you are carrying with you some weight from previous relationships. Every person is different and similar reactions might not mean the same thing. I personally don't think it was too bad, especially if he apologized. Maybe try to high five as well? :)

falange · 29/05/2017 20:33

Are you going out with David Brent?

rockcake · 29/05/2017 23:24

**Now, I'd see it as a reason to end the relationship. It's not crime of the century but I'm not compatible with someone who'd want to do that. Doesn't sound like you are either OP.

This

SherbrookeFosterer · 30/05/2017 02:02

I suspect he did what he thought was right.

Those in the wrong are the vulgar slappers who flashed at him.

It must have been very embarrassing for him and he probably just wanted to brush it off with minimal fuss.

I hope you can enjoy the rest of your break.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 30/05/2017 03:55

Honestly i would expect a man in a relationship to tell them it was inappropriate to show their boobs to someone who clearly has a partner.
High fiving them is condoning it, if he's with you he shouldn't be looking!
Especially since he was paying enough attention to notice one had a nipple piercing.

It would change the relationship for me, i couldn't just shrug it off, but then i have always made it clear i expect exclusivity in relationships when still in the friend stage with potenrtial partners, so no porn etc, and won't go ahead with a relationship if they're not happy with that.

I have body confidence issues, especially with my boobs, and i do consider it to be an intimate area, so a partner looking at another womans would feel like betrayal. I don't ogle other men (actually refused to watch magic mike whilst i was in a relationship as it just felt odd as i wouldn't want a partner watching female strippers)

So for me, i'd seriously consider ending the relationship, as ground rules about that kind of stuff would have been discussed beforehand. If however you hadn't discussed stuff like this with him, it would be a big conversation, and i'd want a sincere apology and the relationship would continue on a trial type basis that i'd have to be convinced he wouldn't do it again and was genuinely sorry.

piggypoo · 30/05/2017 07:53

At the end of the day, it was a passing thing, my DH can be really childish at times, and has said or done things that are very immature, it does not mean he doesn't love or respect me. I think sometimes when confidence is an issue, it can seem like we are just waiting to be fucked over, so start pushing away because we don't feel good enough. Try to move on from this, and don't bring it up in every disagreement in the future. Try to work on your confidence, if you don't love yourself, how can you expect others to love you?

Lessthanaballpark · 30/05/2017 08:07

One never knows what to do when being flashed out by 3 women.

There's no etiquette guide for that because it's pretty unusual. So I'd let it go.

pollymere · 30/05/2017 09:42

My dh stag night photos were accidentally sent to me by the company that organized his stripper. I was very hurt/angry but dh explained how uncomfortable he was and had kept a brave face, particularly as he hadn't wanted to upset his mates. Ask him about it. I found it reassuring that my assessment of dh was accurate and although I was still cross at his male stupidity, it meant I could overcome it and move on.

bbismad · 30/05/2017 10:54

YANBU...that was disrespectful to you. I'd ask him how he'd feel if three guys flashed you in front of him and you HFived them!

I'm saying this but I know lots of people will feel differently...

Jedimum1 · 30/05/2017 14:47

Seriously? Would you consider breaking a relationship over someone flashing boobs? Have you never been to a beach in the Mediterranean? Many / most people are topless. I grew up like that and boobs absolutely don't bother me.

Feeling insecure is something one has to work out with oneself. I don't see the harm in looking. If three men were to do show me their bums all of a sudden, I wouldn't know what to do and probably just giggle silly and say "yeah"! Flashing is just rebellious behaviour, not a proposal for anything. His reaction wasn't either an agreement to meet later. I don't see the harm in looking. Are you telling me you actually don't look at all? No celebrities, actors, that hunky model from the JD sports shop, whatever? You don't see someone and think s/he is hot, without actually thinking anything beyond that? Because I do, men and women, I can appreciate when people are pretty, handsome, sexy, hot, whatever. It doesn't mean at all that I'd go with any of them and I don't compare my DH to any either. It's just looking. Is the problem that he said something in front of you? So the problem is that he hasn't hidden it? I rather have honesty in my relationship. We can both comment on people without sounding like we are looking for an affair, just saying one had a piercing is an observation, a factual one. He didn't say how her boobs were perfectly formed or made any comment that compared anyone to his current girlfriend. I don't see why porn is an issue either, for those who mentioned. It's just foreplay, it's not cheating! It's not desiring anyone else and staying with second best. It's just fiction, consumed as fiction and usually discarded as soon as the deed is finished. There's no contact or real communication. What about manga / cartoon porn? I think forcing to hide behaviour because of one's insecurities can only lead to the OH being accustomed to lie and have a split personality (with the lads Vs with the girlfriend). I rather have it all in the open. Don't get me wrong, I'm insecure, I had children, my body is nowhere where I'd like it, I get jealous if I see someone at his work that looks amazing... But I know it's my brain giving me a hard time and unless I'm hormonal, I can just shake it off and tell myself that all I need is to diet and do exercise. Too lazy though. Unless it's something that happens all the time with specific people, secretism and all that... I think one should relax a bit. Nobody is cut to the shape we want, there's always flaws eventually, it's us who decide how bothered we are by those flaws and whether is a big deal or not. That one for me it isn't, but I see many of you are clearly affected by that.

Meeep · 30/05/2017 14:55

If some women flashed me their boobs (unlikely I know) I might high five them in an "Omg what do they expect from me? How can I make them go away quickly?" way.

Doesn't mean I'm into boob flashing. It's a bit of a weird situation to have to deal with.

deckoff · 30/05/2017 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishdiem · 30/05/2017 16:19

It's a act of sexual harrassment. If a man came up to you and flashed his genitals that would be a criminal offence. Everyone would think it was disgusting and aggressive.

Well I am of the school that breasts are not genitals. Flashing vaginas would probably elicit a different response than breasts. I rate boob flashes on the same scale as mooning.

annielouise · 30/05/2017 16:31

I don't think I'd want to be with someone that high-fives people let alone over something like that. You were in punts by the sounds of it and he leaned over to do it and then thought you were one of his mates that he could talk about a part of their body as if you'd appreciate that. Not for me. It left you cold as well. Mis-matched. He didn't have to be po-faced about it but he could have rolled his eyes in a light way, made a slight joke even and then got back to concentrating on you, i.e. not made a big deal of it.

Littlemissindependent · 30/05/2017 16:32

Goodness, I didn't expect so many replies.
I haven't ended the relationship and have no plans to. I am still upset with his reaction to what happened, I think it was disrespectful, tacky and bloody thoughtless, but in the grand scheme of things, he makes me happy and I feel it would be stupid to throw that away. Should something similar happen again though I wouldn't hesitate to call it a day.
My self confidence is pretty much non existent and I know that I'm the only one who can fix that. I think a lot of it comes down to me feeling as though I'm not good enough for him and that as soon as something better comes along then I'll be ditched. Again, my problem to deal with, not his.

Thank you for all the advice on here

OP posts:
flumpybear · 30/05/2017 16:39

Personally I'd move on and put it to one side - he knows you're not impressed but then he's his own person - if you think he's a good partner, forget it

TheNaze73 · 31/05/2017 14:18

I think you need to communicate to him it's a deal clincher OP. Hen parties flashing their tits & bums is probably more common than you think. He's seen it as a big joke

youarenotkiddingme · 31/05/2017 14:57

I usually always on woman's side here as hate disrespectful men but I'm with posters asking what you expected him to do?

Also if it's the first time it happened it's he's not necessarily going to know a more appropriate way to act in future.

Honestly these woman degraded themselves - DP reaction was probably just the one he thought they wanted.

I glad you've decided not to let it end an otherwise good relationship.

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