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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this disrespectful?

124 replies

Littlemissindependent · 28/05/2017 08:25

'D'p and I on a weekend break. Fairly new relationship but so far all going really well. Yesterday afternoon whilst out, 3 'women' pissed out of their trees thought it would be hilarious to flash him their boobs Hmm. Which he then thoughtfully high fived them for.
I will be the first to admit that I have feck all self confidence, so a very small part of me does wonder if I'm in the wrong. But for the most part I just feel he was really disrespectful and inconsiderate towards me. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
AfroBrown · 28/05/2017 09:57

Gas he not hugh 5ed your boops is that what is making you upset. Your OH was a bit silly but these women disrespected you you OH was just caught in an uncomfortable situation.

Did you say anything to the women?

liminality · 28/05/2017 10:02

I think you ANBU to be annoyed, but you ABU to feel inferior. Inferior to what? Drunk girls who flash their tits to randoms? How could you possibly be inferior? Or superior for that matter? Other (random) peoples behaviour shouldn't affect your won esteem. Although you may have an opinion on how classy it is.

Anyway, I can't imagine most of my guy friends getting into that kind of behaviour, for all that they love looking at girls. They just wouldn't. So I think it says a lot about him.

Daytona79 · 28/05/2017 10:03

I think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill personally

But if it's that big a drama ditch him then. If I was him (I'm female though) I'd prob ditch you if it's early days as I'd find you way to up tight.

He was having a laugh with them, leave him be.

If my husband disc that iDVD prob just cringe & laugh it off. It's not a big deal.

NormaSmuff · 28/05/2017 10:07

strange to call it disrespectful imo.

what should he do op?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/05/2017 10:07

Nah, that's not on. Not his fault that they did it, but his reaction sucks.
Does he agree his reaction sucks, or does he think you're over-reacting?
If the former, then maybe keep him on; but if he thinks you're over-reacting then maybe think twice.

BartholinsSister · 28/05/2017 10:11

I wonder if any male flashers get high-fived?

KurriKurri · 28/05/2017 10:12

I don't understand why people are asking 'what should he have done?'
He should have ignored them - i.e. non reacted - that is presumably what the OP did, she wasn't high fiving drunken attention seekers.
He actually leaned over and high fived them - which is way too much reaction by anyones standards.

Embarrassment, looking away, nervous laughter even would be acceptable when put on the spot.

High fiving is encouragement, it says 'way hey get your tits out for the lads'.

It was disrespectful and just generally crass behaviour. I wouldn't stay with someone who did that (especially when they still seem to think it was OK after you'd said you weren't happy).

Plenty of fish (who don't high five tits) in the sea.

MysweetAudrina · 28/05/2017 10:12

My poor husband would think all his christmases had come at once. Not sure he would have high fived them but he would have had a stupid grin on his face for the day.

NormaSmuff · 28/05/2017 10:12

are you looking for his bad points op, you say it is a fairly new relationship.
how is he the rest of the time?

Slimthistime · 28/05/2017 10:25

Depends
How do you feel about dating someone who'd found the sight of boobs so exciting that he effectively said "thanks for getting your tits out for the lads"?

I know it's awkward but I was recently on a late night train where some girls did something like that ( not quite) and it was interesting to see which men were mesmerised and which men either turned away, or in this case (because they could) actually walked away.

I'd dump that guy really fast, seems like he's got no life if he was so happy about this. He's new, what other weird shit does he have?

AliceThrewTheFookingGlass · 28/05/2017 10:28

I wouldn't be happy about this either. It is disrespectful to you, yes he probably couldn't have helped but notice them but he could have just ignored them and had a laugh about it with you later. He may as well have said to them 'thank you for allowing me to see your tits. I enjoyed It very much' that's basically what his high five reaction said anyway.

saoirse31 · 28/05/2017 10:33

I think you're over reacting tbh. I can't see even why you're still obsessing over it. We all, well most of us, sometimes react to an on the spot, drunken, possibly embarrassing incident, in ways we wouldn't had we time to prepare. I'm not sure there's anything else to be seen here.

Also, your partners older than you, was he trying not to look like a 'boring oldie' on front of you? I don't know, but I do think you're over thinking this. Unless of course there's big back story you haven't revealed yet

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 28/05/2017 10:35

His reaction is grim. Are you in Cambridge?

If so there are lots of nice places where people don't do this a few where the drunks do

ThePants999 · 28/05/2017 10:41

Ahhhh, Mumsnet. The level of outrage on here at the slightest transgression makes me surprised anyone's even in a relationship.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 28/05/2017 10:45

Happily married 10 years myself ThePants. I don't think my dh does stupid transgressions and I would suggest that is because

  1. He's not an ape
  2. He has self respect and respect for others
  3. He thinks before he does and uses his brain to do it
AfroBrown · 28/05/2017 10:49

@ThePants 999 it's so true. One misdemeanour and your out.

KurriKurri · 28/05/2017 10:51

I suppose it depends on the type of transgression ThePants.
Some of us have been in relationships where this type of behaviour is indicative of an attitude, and similar types of behaviour in other situations- you forgive the first instance of idiot behaviour and then find yourself caught up in a relationship where more and more examples surface. And you find yourslef having to deal with far more moments of uncomfortableness and feeling generally shit because of your partners behaviour.

It's easier to get out early on and save yourself a lot of angst.

But it's only internet opinions - OP doesn't have to do what others say they would do. I;m sure she's able to make up her own mind what she does or doesn't find acceptable.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 28/05/2017 10:54

I just think it's so much easier not to be without someone who does stupid transgressions :)

I find stupidity a turn off.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 28/05/2017 10:54

Not to be with

fucking phone

TestTubeTeen · 28/05/2017 11:03

It depends,

If he was humourously responding to them, I.e they initiated it, it's just a way of having a laugh about their drunken ridiculousness. A High Five isn't exactly recognised as a flirty , sexually-appreciative gesture? Is it?

And a pursed lipped slut shaming of women having a good time wouldn't have been any better, in my book.

If he just laughed and high fives them as they came towards him, he was just good naturedly containing the situation.

If he approached them with a 'phwoar, nice one laydeez ' attitude he needs his knob kicked in.

TestTubeTeen · 28/05/2017 11:10

If I saw men mooning in public I would laugh and give them a cheery thumbs up, rather than escalate any confrontation, for example.

And if one had his cocky pireced I might comment on it to DH. I doubt DH would take it as a personal slight.

NormaSmuff · 28/05/2017 11:10

is he happy with you op?

rwalker · 28/05/2017 11:12

i wasn't his fault they flashed as long as they did't go chasing after him and giving him there number. sorry i find this funny

CheeseQueen · 28/05/2017 11:12

If he was humourously responding to them, I.e they initiated it, it's just a way of having a laugh about their drunken ridiculousness. A High Five isn't exactly recognised as a flirty , sexually-appreciative gesture? Is it And a pursed lipped slut shaming of women having a good time wouldn't have been any better, in my book.

This. I'd have just told DH to stop being a dick. Some of the reactions on here are completely OTT.

This bit though? Wow. Can you imagine saying the equivalent about a woman? She needs her c** kicked in."
If he approached them with a 'phwoar, nice one laydeez ' attitude he needs his knob kicked in.

MasuMara · 28/05/2017 11:14

I'd be more concerned about what his reaction said about his attitude toward women in general to be honest.

Sometimes women aren't always victims you know.

If a man high fived a woman just because she had a large chest then yes disrespectful and disgusting.

These women actively pulled their tops down in front of him. So a high five is neither here or there.

What about their attitude to men? If 3 men decided to flash me then I'd be horrified tbh.