Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this disrespectful?

124 replies

Littlemissindependent · 28/05/2017 08:25

'D'p and I on a weekend break. Fairly new relationship but so far all going really well. Yesterday afternoon whilst out, 3 'women' pissed out of their trees thought it would be hilarious to flash him their boobs Hmm. Which he then thoughtfully high fived them for.
I will be the first to admit that I have feck all self confidence, so a very small part of me does wonder if I'm in the wrong. But for the most part I just feel he was really disrespectful and inconsiderate towards me. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Iamastonished · 28/05/2017 09:02

"and then pointing out to me that one of them had their nipple pierced wasn't exactly the classiest reaction."

I would be unimpressed with that. He was clearly paying very close attention to detail wasn't he?

Optimist1 · 28/05/2017 09:05

So what reaction should he have had, OP?

Original poster
Littlemissindependent · 28/05/2017 09:05

onion I'm not 100% sure. I just saw him lean over and high five them. Sat here now while he's still asleep not knowing what to do. I really didn't think he was like that, he's a fair bit older than me and, I thought, a bit more mature Sad

OP posts:
Starlighter · 28/05/2017 09:07

I don't know, he was put in an awkward situation... what is the correct response to this anyway?!

I think most guys would panic and there is no right response. It was only a high five and done in good spirits.

I'd be a bit peeved with the women doing it while I was there but I don't think he did anything wrong really!

mrholmes · 28/05/2017 09:09

When you say High 5 is that literal as in slapped palms or just a high 5 hand in the air motion. If girls did that to me I'd probably raise my hand smile and just get on with what I was doing if it was a passing moment.

These girls flash him and he is in the wrong for his reaction to it. What should he have done, given them a speech on feminism or something or lectured them on respecting themselves.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 28/05/2017 09:10

Mine would have laughed at them and made a joke about them being pissed out of their trees. Mind you we got flashed at by a guy on the K-dam once and neither of us quite knew how to react (turned out it was a pride march and he was warming up).

Original poster
Littlemissindependent · 28/05/2017 09:11

mrholmes it was a literal high five. Went out of his way to do it.
Clearly I can't stop women from flashing, it's his reaction to it that's upset me. He could have just ignored it, not thought it was the highlight of his day.

OP posts:
Blappy · 28/05/2017 09:13

Don't know what someone's "supposed" to do. But I think DH would have looked a bit embarrassed, looked away, then we'd have shared a laugh over it and it would have been One Of Those Stories. Not joined in with them and left me feeling uncomfortable.

But then we're both very sad non-Ibiza sorts...

Original poster
Littlemissindependent · 28/05/2017 09:15

No Blappy not sad at all. That's exactly the response I would have expected from any half decent man

OP posts:
mrholmes · 28/05/2017 09:15

I suppose we all react differently to things. Him to them and you to him. Personally just tell him it upset you and leave it there. I don't see it as a massive deal unless he disrespects you all the time in regards to in appropriate behaviour to women. I don't think I would go out of my way to high 5. I would find the whole thing amusing but distasteful if it happened to me.

Lelloteddy · 28/05/2017 09:20

Is it possicle that he was totally embarrassed by it and didn't know HOW to react? If one of them instigated the high 5, he may have been panicking and reciprocated to keep the peace/get rid of them?
I don't think it's a make or break issue to be honest. He was put on the spot and we've all had situations, where with hindsight we might have reacted differently. I think you're being too focused on how YOU feel tbh. He was the one being flashed at. Unless he's a total and utter twat, he probably didn't feel comfortable at all.

Crumbs1 · 28/05/2017 09:23

It's the breasts of drunken women. A bit vulgar but hardly life changing. It's not disrespectful towards you - it wasn't actually anything to do with you. It was him being a bit crass either because he found it amusing (as many would) or because he didn't really know how to react. I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

Your self confidence is your responsibility, nobody else's. You need to take responsibility for that not expect anyone else to other boost it or damage it. It comes from within and has more to do with how you feel about yourself than anything external.

Fiona1984 · 28/05/2017 09:25

It does sound immature, what he did.
If you're not confident in your body I can understand how the situation would feel worse to you.
My ex used to buy lads magazines and seemed to focus on the girls with huge breasts. As a petite girl, that didn't make me feel good about myself. He didn't seem to be attracted to me either, he hardly ever wanted to be intimate.

happypoobum · 28/05/2017 09:28

I wouldn't have given this a second thought, other than thinking what a good story it would make.

I agree with Crumbs. I have really well policed boundaries in all my relationships, but as a one off, this really wouldn't bother me.

Violetcharlotte · 28/05/2017 09:32

I would have laughed if I'd been there! Not sure why you're making an issue over this.

notanevilstepmother · 28/05/2017 09:35

I don't really see how it's disrespectful to them, they got them out, it's not like he took their tops off. Did he ask them to?

I can see how you found it disrespectful to you, but he has apologised so I think you should try to move on and see the funny side. It's just boobs.

If it was my husband I'd probably just tease him mercilessly for a while. Point out every fit shirtless man and say oooo he's fit, shall I go high five him? while jokingly threatening loss of marital relations for looking at other women's boobs.

EndOfShortTether · 28/05/2017 09:41

It's the breasts of drunken women. A bit vulgar but hardly life changing. It's not disrespectful towards you

The high-fiving is disrespectful though. I'd have felt really sad and miserable about it when I was younger, but would have been unable to articulate why so would have found a way to live with it.

Now, I'd see it as a reason to end the relationship. It's not crime of the century but I'm not compatible with someone who'd want to do that. Doesn't sound like you are either OP.

HeyHoThereYouGo657 · 28/05/2017 09:43

Well if its a only new relationship dump him if you are that wound up about it .

Zaphodsotherhead · 28/05/2017 09:43

I think he showed a distinct lack of 'class'.

What the girls do with their own boobs is up to them, but, bearing in mind he was with you, I think he could have been a bit more 'classy' and either smiled and averted his eyes (ie, not been sexist and grabbed an eyeful) or just said 'nice one, girls' and sailed on past. The whole 'high-fiving' is juvenile, sexist and just a bit chavvy, particularly if he's older. Does he wear jog bottoms and a Man U t shirt at all times? If so, get out now...

Graceflorrick · 28/05/2017 09:44

I don't think he could've come out of this looking good TBH. It wasn't his fault, I would let it go.

gamerchick · 28/05/2017 09:45

It's the breasts of drunken women. A bit vulgar but hardly life changing. It's not disrespectful towards you - it wasn't actually anything to do with you. It was him being a bit crass either because he found it amusing (as many would) or because he didn't really know how to react. I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. Your self confidence is your responsibility, nobody else's. You need to take responsibility for that not expect anyone else to other boost it or damage it. It comes from within and has more to do with how you feel about yourself than anything external

I do agree with the above and I would personally rip the piss out of my husband but my self esteem isn't on the floor.

OP nobody knows how they will react in an unexpected situation. They might think they know but shit happens. He's apologised and if it's a one unexpected thing that happened then let it go.

Or dump him and work on your self esteem. But from what you've said it sounds as if you're happy in this relationship, no red flags?

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 28/05/2017 09:49

He was clearly paying very close attention to detail wasn't he

I think most people would notice somebody had their nipple pierced if the boobs had been flashed in their face. Hell I notice it when ladies have tops on that their nipple is pierced and I'm not going out of my way in checking.

We all have our boundaries in what we think is acceptable. You clearly didn't take the high 5 as being acceptable, he's apologised. What more could he do? Seems like you're looking for any reason to run away. Maybe you're scared of getting hurt or something.

bailz · 28/05/2017 09:51

He saw boobs. I would probably have high fived the girls too

Jellybean85 · 28/05/2017 09:52

If it's a 'nice' place he was probably surprised too and I've done all sorts of weird stuff when put on the spot lots of people do.
It was a strange reaction but hardly s situation you'll be in regularly! Is he otherwise nice and respectful to you?
You've made your feelings clear. Is it really worth losing a relationship over?
I wouldn't necessarily think this means he disrespects women it's just a random situation

BusterGonad · 28/05/2017 09:54

I'm not sure how I feel about this one, if me and my husband were flashed by drunken women, I wouldn't expect my husband to high 5 them, and if he did I'd be a bit pissed off but I wouldn't end our relationship over it as he didn't ask to be flashed and maybe he high 5ed out of awkwardness and his good points far out weigh this one stupid incident
Also Op you can't really push your insecurities about yourself onto your partner and expect him to take them into account all the time, you need to work on your insecurities so they don't ruin your relationships.