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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel disheartened over daughter's decision to become a housewife

351 replies

user1495062634 · 27/05/2017 20:02

Before you jump on me, please read below.

My daughter (aged 24) is a recently qualified midwife, and has been in her new London job for a couple of months. Recently, she informed me she is planning to leave her career behind, as they are trying for a baby, and her ultimate ambition is to become a housewife/stay at home mum. Admittedly, her and her new husband are financially well-off, and so she doesn't have the financial incentive to work.

It's all so clear to her, but so, so muggy for me. I can't get my head around it and feel so disappointed. After 3 years of gruelling training at university, landing a London hospital job and beginning to move up the ranks, I just can't understand how she can give it all up so easily. This also isn't a job she can easily pick back up where she left, after so many years of not practising she will have to go back and retrain, if that's what she decided to do.

This doesn't come as a complete shock - she has always dreamt of being a housewife/SAHM, ever since being a teenager - but I'm astounded she's really going ahead with it now.

I have not yet spoken to her about how I truly feel, and my plan is to await responses on here before deciding on whether to do that, and how to say it.

I'd appreciate your thoughts.

OP posts:

SunEgg · 28/05/2017 08:23

@swingofthings It is sad that you feel so insecure in your relationship. Don't you trust your DP/DH?

Headofthehive55 · 28/05/2017 08:25

Oh and if you become single, its almost impossible to continue with a midwifery career due to shift, and childcare. So it's not really a fall back position that you might think.

Westray · 28/05/2017 08:26

*I really really cannot understand how any intelligent woman, who has trained hard for a career, would aspire to become a SAHM when doing so leaves you so vulnerable when things go wrong, which they now do on more than 1/3 of marriages?
*

swings that seems a pretty fucking sad way to live your life.

Why bother getting married at all, then you can be sure you will never divorce. Don't become a parent- then you will be sure you never have to raise them alone.

Life is all about risk- and quite often risk leads to positive outcomes.

TheStoic · 28/05/2017 08:27

Don't you trust your DP/DH?

Why do you ask that?

Beebeeeight · 28/05/2017 08:29

I'd be devastated if my dd did this.

ElsieMc · 28/05/2017 08:29

She doesn't have children yet. This may or may not happen. At least she has a profession to return to.

Prior to children, we all have strong views on what we will or will not do and a lot of those views fall to the wayside. Being a sahm may not be the dream she had figured it would be and she may crave the daily contact with adults, patients and other professionals. I would say nothing.

I have found both my girls have taken absolutely no notice of my "advice".

Westray · 28/05/2017 08:29

wombling I did read her posts.

My mother never worked.

She totally disrepected my decision to jack in my career to become a SAHM.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 28/05/2017 08:35

This was always my ambition so I went straight from school to work I did train on the job and then went on to be self employed in something I still do on the side and plan to do in the future, but no way would I have paid for training knowing I was just going to be a SAHM for a good chunk of time.

VeryButchyRestingFace · 28/05/2017 08:35

Her husband will lose respect for and interest in her very quickly because when you stop working your world becomes tiny and insular, your brain turns to mush

That gave me a good laugh.

I question the wisdom of leaving a job when you're not even pregnant yet though. What happens if she can't get pregnant?

IntrusiveBastards · 28/05/2017 08:37

SAHP: ywbu disappointed to feel this way as she's always wanted it and it's a good thing to do if she can and wants too.

Like my dsis who also had that dream the reality may not match up so be there to support her if it doesn't without I told you so and with reassurance she can return to work.

It may also take a time for her to get to be a sahm.

Of it works out for her great. She gets her dream.

housewife: ywnbu. What was the point of her wasting her degree on being her husband's keeper?

vdbfamily · 28/05/2017 08:37

I too am shocked by the anti SAHM sentiments on MN. My teenage daughter told me recently that all she wanted to do was find a husband who could financially support her so that she could start a family. My initial reaction was to be a bit shocked but then thought back to my teens and remembered that that was all I actually wanted too. This is a natural instinct in many girls/women but has become unmentionable because of feminism. If I think through my closest friends. there are a couple who hated being home all the time with their kids and wanted to work at leasy part-time, but given the choice, most would have been SAHM's for at least the pre-school years. Unfortunately, with the push towards having both parents in work and the sentiment that women are letting the sisterhood down if they confess publicly to just wanting to be a mum at home, the choice has now been removed for many people. House prices are now pretty much based on two incomes and most women can no longer afford not to work.
OP, your daughter will work things out as she goes along. I always intended to be a SAHM but was able to continue to work one day a week whilst my husband worked a condensed week. This meant I did not lose my skills and was able to continue to increase my hours as and when life at home got a bit easier. I am now full time which I never dreamed would be my choice but DH has a home based job and the kids are all independent to/from school so it works.
We have to start down a career path as we do not know what lies ahead in terms of marriage/children etc. I know trained doctors who chose to be SAHM's because the stress of juggling the work and parenting was too much. It does seem a waste but we don't know where life will take us.

FairlyConstantNameChanger · 28/05/2017 08:44

vdb , yes, I know quite a few doctors who have done the same. Met one last week actually. No family help. Husband also a doctor. Employer not flexible. She couldn't manage the shifts. I understood her decision.

Headofthehive55 · 28/05/2017 08:46

She also may feel sad too. I know I did, even if it was for the right reasons.

Boulshired · 28/05/2017 08:48

I would just talk about the financial side, all money in joint account, pension set up. I am always amazed on MN on how many women do not have these conversations married or not before having children.

Lesley1980 · 28/05/2017 08:48

The comments by some people are bizarre. Raising their own children is below them. Luckily childcare can be outsourced just like every other menial task their success allows them to buy.

Lunalovepud · 28/05/2017 08:50

Some pretty shitty and misogynistic comments on here about SAHMs...

I think there are pros and cons to going back to work and being a SAHM - feminism has given each woman the option to weigh these pros and cons up for herself and decide based on her circumstances what is best for her and for her family.

Surely we should be standing behind other women and supporting their choices rather than trying to tear each other down?

I'm a SAHM and I am not apologising for it, nor am I worried about being financially vulnerable should my marriage go down the pan in the future because SAHM doesn't automatically correlate to stupid, so I have made sure that I am protected in the event that something does go wrong.

We are not all waiting at home in a pinny for DH to stride through the door, all master of industry, and tell us all about his day before we remove his shoes for him and get his dinner ready.

hettie · 28/05/2017 08:52

Mmme, well I dunno it really is her choice though. I know one person whose done this, but now her kids are secondary/upper primary is rather stuck. In fact she's trying to get back into work (but after 12 years it's a struggle). Her dh is also a bit resistant/not helping. It's not about the money. I think it's more about her needs (and possibly the kids need her less).
I'm lucky I have a really interesting job that I love which is part time and flexible. I took time out when the kids were little bit more they are both in primary when pt so I can pick up, do clubs etc.. it requires careful thinking/planning but it is possible to do both (I think she'd have to find a community or specialist midwife post with fixed hours though)

pilates · 28/05/2017 08:53

What is wrong with having a choice of what your DD wants to do with her life. She is in a lucky position. I can understand your disappointment though after all the years of training but surely having a baby and wanting to look after it is one of the most natural things in the world. They are in a financial position to do it so why not. You may find in a couple of years she may want to go back to work part time or may not. She can always use her skills for another similar job or something completely different. I think you need to support her decision.

hettie · 28/05/2017 08:59

lesley you do know that lots of women with because they have to? Not because they want 'sucess' or the ability to buy stuff but because unless you've got a very high earner in the household most families need two earners just to pay for housing and food.... if you can afford to not work then it's personal choice and not intrinsically right or wrong to work or stay at home or some combination.... Why do people get so her up about this?

MistressPage · 28/05/2017 09:09

lunalovepud I do have a pinny, one of those proper frilly 1950s style ones. But I wear it ironically...

user1495388403 · 28/05/2017 09:18

They may not conceive so nature may get in the way of plans. No point burning bridges now when they may need your support.

JacquesHammer · 28/05/2017 09:19

I dream of becoming a housewife 😂 but not at the expense of putting pressures on my husband

Why is that the assumption that's how it is? When I got pregnant, I enjoyed my career - it was stimulating, but not what I had intended to do. Then DH lived and breathed his - it was his passion, childhood dream etc.

No brainer for us.

We're now divorced, I started a new venture and have found my career, the other was just marking time.

Leonardo44 · 28/05/2017 09:31

Becoming a SAHM while the kids are little is totally different to never working again.

I get it sounds patronising to suggest a 24 year old doesn't know what she's playing at but I didn't think of any of these things before I had kids (I'm only 26 myself). If it wasn't for MN I wouldn't have a clue about marital rights or anything like that. Maybe I'm just thick of course but there's no harm in a parent talking to their child, I'm not suggesting OP tells her what to do. If she's happy to put 100% faith in her husband then that's up to her.

Jollypirates3 · 28/05/2017 09:33

Im a sahm. I love my kids to no end. But i miss work. I miss it so much that i o the admin for my husbands businesses. Its crazy and hectic as i have the kids with me but my brain would melt if i didnt have something othrmer than washing, cooking and changing nappies.

Lunalovepud · 28/05/2017 09:37

mistress I've got an apron but it has profanity on it so I'm not sure it counts.

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