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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel disheartened over daughter's decision to become a housewife

351 replies

user1495062634 · 27/05/2017 20:02

Before you jump on me, please read below.

My daughter (aged 24) is a recently qualified midwife, and has been in her new London job for a couple of months. Recently, she informed me she is planning to leave her career behind, as they are trying for a baby, and her ultimate ambition is to become a housewife/stay at home mum. Admittedly, her and her new husband are financially well-off, and so she doesn't have the financial incentive to work.

It's all so clear to her, but so, so muggy for me. I can't get my head around it and feel so disappointed. After 3 years of gruelling training at university, landing a London hospital job and beginning to move up the ranks, I just can't understand how she can give it all up so easily. This also isn't a job she can easily pick back up where she left, after so many years of not practising she will have to go back and retrain, if that's what she decided to do.

This doesn't come as a complete shock - she has always dreamt of being a housewife/SAHM, ever since being a teenager - but I'm astounded she's really going ahead with it now.

I have not yet spoken to her about how I truly feel, and my plan is to await responses on here before deciding on whether to do that, and how to say it.

I'd appreciate your thoughts.

OP posts:
Westray · 28/05/2017 06:55

I would celebrate the fact that she is following her heart.

I ditched my career to raise my kids and the path my life has taken has been amazing.

Stumbleine · 28/05/2017 06:58

And op - I have very supportive parents, but did feel like I was letting them down and disappointing them when I left the profession (despite being in my 30s with 3 dc!).

Would her employer be willing to offer a career break? They did for me.

bookwormnerd · 28/05/2017 07:30

Just support her. No need to feel dissapointed. A persons self worth is not tied up in a job. I went to university and became a teacher, am not sahm, much happier and when go back to work when kids both at school it will be something that fits around school hours at holidays. There is nothing wrong with sahm just as nothing wrong with being a working parent. I do not get this obsession with people being judged on job. We have one life, let her be happy and do what works for their family. She may change mind. I had friends sure they would be sahm who went back after maternity

Westray · 28/05/2017 07:33

OP I would suggest your feelings stem from the fact that you don't respect or value SAHMs.

TheStoic · 28/05/2017 07:34

I think you can be disappointed with ANY decision your child makes that you think is the wrong one. I agree with you, I'd be very worried if my child decided to become completely financially dependent on another adult, with no plans for that to change.

Westray · 28/05/2017 07:39

I would be delighted if my DD gave up work to care for her kids.

FeedMyFaceWithBattenberg · 28/05/2017 07:49

I am 25, a palliative care nurse and 12 weeks pregnant.
DH works in the city and earns probably just enough to keep us comfy (for now)
However, I love my job, it's part of my identity and I'm good at it, plus the NHS paid my fees so I need to give them a few more years yet! So I'm heading straight back to work after baby is born for everyone's sanity!

Softkitty2 · 28/05/2017 07:50

I dream of becoming a housewife 😂 but not at the expense of putting pressures on my husband.

My only advice is please please please make sure she is protected if the relationship doesn't work out. Some people can turn nasty and all promises previously made thrown out the window

Sparklyuggs · 28/05/2017 07:52

OP- you sound like a lovely Mum. Based on my own experience, I think it's a coping mechanism to handle what is an incredibly difficult job that is overstretched and underfunded.

I think the only advice I have is to encourage her to keep working until (and during) pregnancy. It can take far longer than we think to get pregnant and if she does have fertility issues then work can help be a distraction during a tough time- just my own experience.

I'm planning on being a SAHM and I'm lucky that DH earns enough for this to happen. However I might change my mind in the future, but I'm resilient and will find a solution if I can't go back to my old career and you will be able to support your daughter to do the same.

FWIW my friend got pregnant during her PGCE and has been a SAHM ever since. The youngest is 18 months and she's planning on going back to work/retraining when they are 3, and she doesn't want any more children but knows she's got 30 odd years to pursue her career. Things change and what she wants at 24 may not be relevant in 10 years.

caroline161 · 28/05/2017 07:56

I'm a midwife and people have no idea how relentless it is, no breaks, staffing issues, more and more complicated women to care for, constantly watching your back and worrying about litigation.

SunEgg · 28/05/2017 07:57

My mother worked full time and I could see how stressed she was trying to both work and do household chores and look after us. It was a huge strain on our family.

I vowed I would be a SAHM when I had kids. I have worked really hard and have postgradate degrees, but after having kids I have gone part time, and will happily give it up too if it gets too much, and we are very fortunate we can afford to do that. My kids will always come first before my own insecurity about being financially dependent on my DH, and/or small luxuried like taking a holiday each year.

Westray · 28/05/2017 07:58

I dream of becoming a housewife 😂 but not at the expense of putting pressures on my husband.

My OH has loved me being a SAHM.

Allows him great freedoms to work and have his home and children cared for.

He can go on overnight business trips at the drop of a hat, he doesn't have to be involved with domestic finance, shopping laundry etc.
His life is a lot easier as a result.

I am friends with several women who gave up a career to become a SAHM. They are all positive creative women with a positive attitude.

The transformation in their lives have been profound.

caroline161 · 28/05/2017 08:00

I'm a midwife and I think people have no idea of the job stresses which are probably worse in a London hospital. It's relentless, no breaks, staffing issues daily, more and more women to look after who are increasingly more and more complicated. If I could jack it all in because I'd found a man to support me I would without a second thought and so would most of my colleagues.

Westray · 28/05/2017 08:01

If I could jack it all in because I'd found a man to support me I would without a second thought and so would most of my colleagues

I admire your honesty.

SunEgg · 28/05/2017 08:02

It baffles me that in this country the majority of people think it is better to outsource childcare of your baby and toddler to a stranger, rather than lovingly care for them yourself. I am not a SAHM btw.

Westray · 28/05/2017 08:05

suneg I agree.

Staying at home with my kids was very important to me.

TheStoic · 28/05/2017 08:05

I don't think people believe it is 'better' to outsource childcare than do it yourself.

They believe it's better to outsource childcare than be financially vulnerable.

Westray · 28/05/2017 08:09

They believe it's better to outsource childcare than be financially vulnerable.

It's a risk worth taking in my book.

It may even have a positive outcome.

TheStoic · 28/05/2017 08:11

It's a risk worth taking in my book.

You and many others.

But suggesting people choose childcare because it's better than caring for kids themselves is a bit stupid.

MistressPage · 28/05/2017 08:12

Her husband will lose respect for and interest in her very quickly because when you stop working your world becomes tiny and insular, your brain turns to mush.

This comment is fucking hilarious. Not having a paid job doesn't surgically remove your brain or make you incapable of intelligent discourse you know. The poor soul who posted this evidently has both an extraordinarily narrow circle of friends and interests, and an absolute wanker of a husband who they thoroughly deserve.

I'm pleased to report that my husband is a lovely man who takes great pride and pleasure in my role as a SAHM, refuses to let me wash up as my job is looking after our toddler not skivvying, and gives me unfettered access to OUR money, and time off to pursue my hobby.

I appreciate some others aren't as lucky as me, but honestly the disrespect towards SAHMs on mumsnet is breathtaking in its ignorance.

swingofthings · 28/05/2017 08:14

I really really cannot understand how any intelligent woman, who has trained hard for a career, would aspire to become a SAHM when doing so leaves you so vulnerable when things go wrong, which they now do on more than 1/3 of marriages?

You read accounts after accounts of bitter exes whose husband leave them, or they end up leaving because they are so horrible, left with a life on benefits, exes who don't pay maintenance, who are left with debts and little savings, no pension and a future of financial struggles.

At least your DD has a qualification which means that she could always go back to a secure job, so really, that's what you need to hold on to but like you, I would be so disappointed if my DD announced that she'd want to be a SAHM forever.

Of course, she might very change her mind when the baby comes. I never considered being a SAHM but I did believe that it was the easy option before I had my two. Never thought I would actually beg to switch places with my husband when he was leaving for work in the mornings when I was on maternity leave. I was one of those mums who was actually counting the days until I could go back! My kids were both extremely demanding babies/toddlers (but turned out to be the easiest kids and teenagers later on!).

ohlittlepea · 28/05/2017 08:15

Midwifery is a pretty terrifying career right now with the amount of litigation and low staffing levels. It's common for newly qualified midwives to leave.

Westray · 28/05/2017 08:17

I really really cannot understand how any intelligent woman, who has trained hard for a career, would aspire to become a SAHM when doing so leaves you so vulnerable when things go wrong, which they now do on more than 1/3 of marriages?

Because we want to care for our kids ourselves, rather than a profit making organisation.

Why is that so hard to understand?

Headofthehive55 · 28/05/2017 08:22

IT might be the job itself. Things don't always pan out as you expect. I trained as a chemistry teacher. I hated it and left. It's hard to tell family that you don't want to do the job they see you doing. And they see others doing, advancing their careers, whilst you are dreading work every day.
Lots of teachers, nurses become sahm. It's really not unusual.

WomblingThree · 28/05/2017 08:22

Westray you said OP I would suggest your feelings stem from the fact that you don't respect or value SAHMs. If you had bothered to read the OPs posts, you would see she was a SAHM.

OP it's really nice that you've taken all this on board. It's such a good thing you posted. One thing I would say is that she isn't necessarily going to get pregnant straight away. Most people don't!

In general, I think unless your child is a crack dealer or a serial killer (or similar), being disappointed in them is a really shitty thing. You bring them up to be their own person, but then get pissed off when they want to be their own person. Seems crazy to me.