To feel disheartened over daughter's decision to become a housewife

[user1495062634]

Before you jump on me, please read below.

My daughter (aged 24) is a recently qualified midwife, and has been in her new London job for a couple of months. Recently, she informed me she is planning to leave her career behind, as they are trying for a baby, and her ultimate ambition is to become a housewife/stay at home mum. Admittedly, her and her new husband are financially well-off, and so she doesn't have the financial incentive to work.

It's all so clear to her, but so, so muggy for me. I can't get my head around it and feel so disappointed. After 3 years of gruelling training at university, landing a London hospital job and beginning to move up the ranks, I just can't understand how she can give it all up so easily. This also isn't a job she can easily pick back up where she left, after so many years of not practising she will have to go back and retrain, if that's what she decided to do.

This doesn't come as a complete shock - she has always dreamt of being a housewife/SAHM, ever since being a teenager - but I'm astounded she's really going ahead with it now.

I have not yet spoken to her about how I truly feel, and my plan is to await responses on here before deciding on whether to do that, and how to say it.

I'd appreciate your thoughts.

Surely she trained as you can't generally tell years in advance how your life will pan out and she may have worked for 10-15 years before marrying and having a baby etc

Just because she says this at this point in time doesn't mean that's how it will be.
As a nurse, most run through all the options; full time, part time, casual, other associated fields.
If they are fully financially secure (both large inheritances) why not relax and enjoy parenthood.
She will never loose her education and training.

Her life. If she can afford to do it why not. You work to live not live to work! I had a very good career before I had children but I also became a SAHM and I love it! I would rather that than work in the damp all day!

I think taking it upon yourself to be disappointed in her life choice is pretty arrogant at this point.

Also WTF is wrong with being a SAHM.

I'm just so glad I wrote this post before speaking to my daughter.
It's changed my mind, almost completely. Completely unexpectedly, I also now feel a little defensive over some of the posts and although this isn't really related to my original post, I feel the need to respond. She was only 18 when she began her training, what 18 year old truly, truly knows what they want to spend the rest of their lives doing? What 18 year old truly understands the pressure of working in a very seriously under-funded, under-staffed national health service? Yes, there's the argument then that 18 year olds shouldn't be able to apply in the first place, but we'd be here for years arguing that one.

I think it's also a little strong to say she's wasted NHS money - as I wrote earlier, she is currently on her 3rd night shift working extremely long, and physically and emotionally exhausting shifts with just a day of sleep-catch up before going into 2, 13 hour day shifts. Tonight it's very possible that she may save a baby's life, possibly even a woman's life too. Chances are tonight she won't even get a 15 minute break. I'm not trying to gain her the sympathy vote - she chose this profession, she knew what it would involve, but 'knowing' and actually 'doing' are two very different things, and I feel that even if she does end up leaving, she has given so much back in time and love and care already, and for that I'm proud. There have been countless times where she's stayed well-beyond her 12/13 hour night shift to write up her notes or to see the woman through to deliver her baby. She's already missed the 2 previous christmases.

So whilst yes, I feel sad for her choosing to leave the profession she has/had(?) so much passion for (and selfishly, very selfishly for me and the pride I take in my daughter being a midwife), I could never call her a drain on the NHS - I think back to when she lived with us, and seeing her pale, emotionally drained face at the door after every night shift, having had nothing to eat or drink all night, struggling to string a conversation together and just going straight upstairs to bed - it makes me feel sad to think somebody could even so much as consider her to be wasting NHS money, after giving every inch of her body to it since she began her training years ago.

I think even writing the above out is helping me become more empathetic toward my daughter's decision.

It's her choice. Stay out of it.

I'd also just like to make clear that this thread was not intended to belittle SAHM. I've brought up 5 children as a SAHM, I think it's safe to say I'm pretty in the know about how tough mothering as a job itself is. I just felt sad thinking about how much time and hard work went into getting her to where she is now, knowing she is potentially about to give it all up. But like I've said, after reading all of these responses and having my mind opened, that feeling is very much turning into a feeling of empathy and support and guilt for even feeling disappointed.

I'm glad you now feel more supportive of her choice. The only thing I'd say would be to encourage her to keep her license/certificate current, however that's done in the UK.

My cousin is a Dental Hygienist who became a SAHM. She kept her license current and did her yearly continuing education 'just because'. It stood her in good stead when her marriage broke down and her husband left. Not saying that's going to happen to your DD, but life can throw us curveballs whether it be a redundancy for her DH, disability, or unforeseen financial problems. It's always good to be in a position of having a marketable skill.

be supportive and accept her decision.

You sound lovely OP. If the NHS paid more than lip service to being family friendly and looked at staff conditions then less people would leave.

NHS politics aside, it sounds as if you will be proud of her whatever your choice and that support will be priceless to her .

Rubbish Your comment is quite insulting to someone like myself. DH makes silly money and I have stuck through 5 years of hell to get out the other side of having 3 DC only to read that actually the work I do and the income associated with that is meaningless. It's quite a rude comment to read.

Personally I think what zee is doing is the right way to raise a family when you have financial security. Let's face it, if they were being raised to not work plenty of people would have not so nice comments.

OP - I am really happy you see the other perspective. I wish you and your DD well.

OP, glad that posting helped. I agree about choices
between 18 year old and 8 years later being hard to predict. I know of several midwives who entered the profession thinking 'awww Babies' only to get burnt out by long shifts, poor support (not just at work) and frustration at not always being able to save the lives of mothers or babies. It's not an easy job. (Some of them are now Doulas and much happier).

I worked hard to get into a career and then I was single till late in night. I used to feel so sad on weekends knowing that having a family had been a big goal since I was a teen. Luckily I met a great person and started my family and I walked away from my career and spent 7 very rewarding years raising my two children at home. I would have had to go back to work if we had stayed in London. Luckily, we moved overseas and were able to manage on one salary. Even with the hard bits, those 7 years remain the best part of my life and I have enormous respect for women who make the personal sacrifice of putting a career on hold to raise children as it is harder than going to work. I recently restarted my career and I am also enjoying this but I feel so glad that I got those 7 years home. My 4 year old really finds it hard that she goes to pre-school all day and is away from me, from 8 am till 5.30 pm and honestly I don't think it is the best for her. However I doubt it will 'damage' her but I am aware that we are putting our personal satisfaction and material gains( as soon as we bought a house I had to return to work- while renting we could manage on one income). I suppose I m trying to say that for many women staying home is an intrinsically valuable way of spending their lives and I admire your daughter for knowing herself so early in life. I don't get this modern obsession with career defining us ( even though I have one). Surely our relationships define us even more? She is educated, if she ever needs to go back to work it will not be as hard as people make out on here. My experience was I walked into a job at the same pay grade( lower level) at my first interview after getting my 7 years home being pretty present to the early years of my children - something that is fleeting. Careers go on for decades and people fantasise about retiring at a certain point. Her fantasy is to really be there for her future children and not pay someone else to do the bulk of caring for them. She sounds like she has her head screwed on the right way- maybe you need to get your ambitions for her out of the picture a bit?

OP, in your last post you've described an amazing woman, midwife and daughter. One to be extremely proud of. And one who perhaps is at the end of her tether but deeply distressed and struggling with the decision she has made. I'm glad she can rely on your support, whatever decision she makes in the end.

For those who are concerned about the cost of training OPs daughter- she will have worked extremely hard throughout her training and saved the NHS a lot of money since she had worked unpaid through all this time.

And if course from now on all trainee HCPs will have to pay for the privilege of working unpaid hours whilst training, so you can rest easy.

I have a friend from school who went on to get a PhD and she "stays at home" with the children. She's very happy with her golfing and her lunches. It seems a shocking waste to me but it's her choice.

I think there's a lot of value placed on work. I hate going to work! If I had a rich husband who was prepared to support me I'd give up tomorrow. Fuck feminism :)

Most of the midwives I know entered the profession after having children, and wanted to become advocates for women in a challenging environment.

I suspect that the experience of having her own children may even give her a new fire in her belly for her job.

Anyway, work isn't the be all and end all. Which ever way she goes, happiness ought to be primary.

I think her life choices are good. Training while childfree to have a career, then giving time to her kids. Potentially she could go part time eventually and would just need a refresher course.

Most midwives I know go into midwifery after having children anyway (when kids at infant school).

By the sounds of it she's has the best SAHM roles model and wants to do what you did. A job is always there to return to, your children's childhood isn't.

Op this might be more to do with your pride over your daughter - which of course is completely normal and natural - but not always a positive helpful emotion.

For those stupid enough to say she has wasted nhs money - have a complete lack of understanding about the the degree course - which isn't like most general uni courses attending term time only and for really short hours.

Nursing and Midwifery students also have to undertake 12 hr night and day shifts 'work experience' on the wards throughout the whole 3 years.

Anyone who is unaware of how desolate working for the NHS is - despite all the news programmes - is being unfairly judgemental. There is little or no support, no time for breaks, too many patients to look after with not enough time, women have to be 'progressed' through labour rather than be 'allowed' to continue at their own pace, patients often complain and moan at you not because you are doing anything wrong but because the system cannot cope, it's frankly dangerous and in your worn out, worn down state it's much more likely for you to make a mistake. The NHS won't hold it's hand up and say, 'oops, we didn't have enough staff, we know we didn't have enough staff so it was our responsibility. What happens is there's an investigation and YOU could lose your registration. You have to stand up to doctors who may be making wrong decisions because its not enough these days to 'go along' with what a doctor tells you to do. Working every Christmas and most weekends is the norm and the poor pay has remained the same for years. The job itself is rewarding and fulfilling but the conditions are appalling.

Children, same as parents, do disappoint at times but if we truly love them we get over that and look for ways to support each other without pulling up our too tight judgy pants.

You dd has worked her heart out to get through her degree and to continue to work in an intense pressured environment where she makes life and death decisions with complete responsibility every single shift.
She can always take an easy return to practice course in the future even if her current registration lapses.

I completely admire her choice.

SAHM - it's the future.

I did the same, I only worked on my career which I went to university and obtained a degree for. Left after two years at the age of must be around 24, living as a lady of leisure for a year and then had a child, while I'm still involved in my DH's business now I've left my career behind to do what I always wanted to do which is look after my child.

My mum although maybe worried at first never said a word and I'm glad because we all have to choose our own way and I'm very happy - if she had I don't know how that would have changed my view of her. Even if my marriage broke down tomorrow I wouldn't regret my choice, the investment in my daughter with 1:1 care whom has SN is invaluable to her development.

Your daughter might decide that staying home and child care isn't for her but she has to find her own way.

I think there's a lot of value placed on work. I hate going to work! If I had a rich husband who was prepared to support me I'd give up tomorrow. Fuck feminism smile

Amen.

Em midwife (current sahm) here!

Not sure if anyone else had mentioned this but....could if be the job itself which has led to this decision? I can tell you that the first year as a newly qualified midwife can only be described as harrowing (when you thought the TRAINING was bad enough!) It is quite often a bit if a shock despite how prepared you feel you were for the responsibility of the job. I certainly found this and it led me to feel like running for the hills!

Just a thought.

That should say EX midwife!