To tell MIL to stop being jealous of my mum

[bailz]

My mum and I are very close. She works mon-thurs and so comes over every Friday to see me, help out, see DS (5 months) and just generally be around. We sometimes go shopping, or go see my grandma, or she takes DS out for an hour or two so I can get stuff done/have a break.
My MIL has a random Friday off and asked to come round, but obvs I had plans with my mum (we were going to see my 90+ yo grandparents with the baby) so MIL said she would just come along. Now I'm not being funny, but they've never met and I'd rather not tbh. Grandma is 93 and has 93yo health problems and doesn't always like to meet new people these days.
I politely declined the offer so she said she would come and take DS while we went and again I said no. My GP love spending time with DS as does my DM. So MIL is whinging that I spend too much time with my DM and not her so it's not even. I get wrong for not ringing her with updates or sending pictures of DS (have a family whatsapp group where I'll upload pics sometimes) but DH does all that anyways. We always go up together as a family to see her every Sunday anyways but had to miss a week because DS was cluster feeding and PIL get all nervous and OTT when I BF in front of them so I don't like to. So apparently I'm now being difficult. We're going up on the Sunday anyways but apparently she had planned this Friday and what she would do with us so is now all disappointed.
AIBU to not cancel my plans? Also, do I sound difficult?

Posting from your pov, no, you don't sound difficult at all.

As with any telling of a situation though there are usually 2 sides. I suspect if your MiL posted, it would sound slightly different.

'All going to hers' on a Sunday, might mean she is busy prepping a meal, and 'sharing' the little one with 3 or more other adults - not quite the same as your Mum's "access". Maybe she'd like to just have an hour's peaceful time now and then. None of us know, we only can read the situation from one pov.

Of course you shouldn't have changed your plan that day, but it might be nice to say, "sorry, can't do this day as visiting Gran, when is your next day off and we'll sort something ?"

I think it is nice to spend time with Mil sometimes without husbands it is nice to have that dynamic of sunday visits your mil just wants to spend time with you she is maybe a bit pushy but her next day off meet her with the baby or get her to come over.

Fwiw the day you are talking about you were not wrong to say no to her.

When we go and see her on the Sunday she basically has DS. She holds him the minute we get there until we leave pretty much. Poor FIL never gets a cuddle. She always makes jokes out of it and is very aware that she is overly attached to DS so it's 'fine'. She was holding him recently when he was all squiggly and wanted to play while trying to drink a hot cup of coffee. Spilled loads of it and I had to grab DS off her to stop it scalding him! She just couldn't stand to put him down and got all moody that I had taken him as 'I get him all the time'.
Honestly, I know this sounds bad, but I'm not the type of mum who can't be separated from her baby. If MIL offered to come and take DS off my hands for a couple of hours, I'd say yes! But it's just this one day that's blown up. I personally don't really want to spend time just the two of us. She has a funny view of girls because her own daughter is very distant so she thinks all girls are odd and should be 'independent' like her DS so I'm apparently too close with my mum (I see her once a week ).

I think that the best thing to do would say that as much as you would love he to spend time the baby, its best that she makes arrangements with you/checks you are free before she books a day off as you dont want to disappoint her as you did this week.

bailz YANBU to think that your plans with your own mum and grandma should take precedence at short notice.

YANB-AT-ALL-U to insist she does not drink hot drinks while holding the baby.

YAB - A BIT - U to assume your dh will send photos etc because maybe he doesn't. Maybe you could share some photos and things with her and also spend some time with her occasionally. But make sure she gives grandpa some slack and he also gets to hold baby.

I can't image being this attached to any baby (anymore) so it must be quite hard for her. Maybe a nice chat about what you are happy to offer and just some good general friendliness hopefully going both ways.

BackforGood - your post is excellent.

"You get him all the time" because you're his MOTHER.

Your mother gets to see him as much as she does because it doesn't sound like she swoops in and takes over like MIL does.

No doubt there will be some outraged MILs along later to tell you what a selfish piece of work you are, but I agree with PP, it sounds like you are being perfectly reasonable. He is not her child, he is your child, and you get to decide where he goes and who has him. The sooner she gets on board that particular train, the sooner you'll all be happy.

You had a previous engagement. If she wanted to see you on her day off she should have asked in advance.

Competitive Grandparenting really annoys me, we've experienced it and I just refuse to engage in any discussions about what is "fair".

Nope, she's being ridiculous and very passive aggressive (behaviour that I cannot stand). How silly to take a day and not check with you in advance whether you had plans!

She sounds difficult.

All communication with my difficult MIL goes through DH. She was especially badly behaved when DS1 was a baby - it really is the worst time for crackers MILs/DParents.

There is no 'fair' apportioning of time. Spend time with people who put you at ease and support you.

How are you too close to your mum when you see her once a week and you see mil once a week? She sounds very jealous of your relationship with your mum and maybe wishes it were different with her dd. The sort of character you are describing will not understand she most likely holds a lot of the responsibility for the lack of closeness to her dd.

I assume she knows that you see your mum Fridays. I'm trying to see her motives. It sounds as if she's doing the "pick me" dance by choosing the day I assume she knows you spend with your mum. Taking another day off after agreeing it with you seems far more rational. But I don't think she does rational by the sounds of it.

She sounds very immature. So try treating her like you would an upset child. Sit her down and talk about her finding another day to meet up just the three of you.

italiangrey how can she be unreasonable for assuming her dh sends pics? That's her husbands parents, they should be asking him for photos and it's not the OP responsibility..

OP do what you do with your mum and say to mil friday is your time with her own family. If you give in to emotional blackmail she will use it over amd over again

Softkitty (love the name!) I don;t think I am unreasonable to assume a person might say they will send photos and then not do it.

"That's her husbands parents, they should be asking him for photos and it's not the OP responsibility." That to me is a very strange idea of what a marriage and family is all about. I often ask my dh is he has a card for mothers or fathers day for his parents, who are my parents-in-law. My dh is quite organised with things like Christmas gifts for his side of the family, who are also part of my extended family. But I know he doesn't think to include his parents in things as much as I might.

I certainly would not want the OP to give into emotional blackmail and I do not see my inlaws nearly as much as she does, but I also think that maybe she may benefit by sending a few photos. What does it cost to do it. Especially if she is currently at home with baby and her husband is not during the day.

I'll never understand why we have to assume ilaws will be our partners 'responsibility'. They are the child's grandparents. Now my own parents are dead my inlaws are the only grandparents for our kids and the only parents (inlaw) I have.

I'm not saying give into to pressure. I am saying maybe the OP sends lots more photos to her mum than her husband does to his mum. And If I were the MIL I would feel a bit sad about that. BUT I could be totally wrong, it is not unheard of!

YANBU. You are under no obligation to have the same relationship with your MIL that you have with your own mother. The reality is that it isn't you your MIL wants to spend time with, is it? It is your DS. You are a conduit to him. To me, that completely ignores you as a person who has preferences about where and how you spend your own time.

I'd be very tempted to stop the Sunday of every week visits for a while. My PIL expected to see us one day every weekend and it was far too much. They don't like it if we refuse lunch invitations and want to know why but tough. We're adults and need time alone with our children.

you go every sunday? you a saint

If you had just been spending time with your mum would you have cancelled to see MIL?

I could easily send her some pics, it's not hard, but DH does send her, almost daily, pictures of DS. I didn't feel that I needed to...
I would absolutely not cancel plans with anyone for anything unless it was an emergency. My mum likes to spend time with me as well as DS, MIL couldn't care about catching up with me lol. She's just not my cup of tea. But we do 'use' both grandparents equally. They've both had him overnight when we've been out (once each) they've both been invited to park days with us and consulted on us buying a house etc. I offered MIL and I to go shopping together when I was pregnant to buy the changing unit as I had been out with my DM to do the same with the pram.
I'm pleased I'm NBU. I was really worried I was and needed some perspective

Honestly i would nip this in the bud immediately, no way would I tolerate her telling me when and how often I could see my own mother. "Mary I'm not why you are disappointed because we had no plans made, but you need to know that I am close to my mother and how often I see her is none of your business and no concern of yours, I am telling you this now because we are close and I refuse to feel like I can't see my own mother without you acting like this" and leave it at that unless she pushes further and then point to your dh and say "that's your child, you talk to him if you want spend time other than Sundays with ds not me, it's not my responsibility"

I am close to my mother and this would drive me nuts, stamp it out first time or you'll have years of this

I would have done it, she has a rare day off. Does your DH get to see his mum alone with the baby like your Friday's with mum......thought not. Just throw the poor woman a bone fgs.

YANBU. I would nip this in the bud. Next time MIL mentions about how you always have your DS, say "what a silly thing to say MIL. I'm his mother, what else do you expect? Or when your DC were small, did you outsource all your parenting to your MIL? If so, that's pretty sad."

I would also stop these weekly visits with her. Way too much. I could not give up one Sunday every month to just sit around while she completely ignores you and does this competitive nonsense.

I don't understand some MILs who think they should have the same relationship that their DIL has with their own mum ... she's your mum! MIL is not your mum!!

I think that I might have tried to fit MIL in somehow if possible.

I wouldn't want every Sunday with my MIL, but thems the breaks if your husband wants to see his mum & they both work in the week.

How long do you see them for?

I felt like this about my MIL at first, she constantly wanted my baby and tried to take him at every opportunity.

DS is now over 1 and I have to beg her to take him now Hold in there and hopefully the novelty will wear off!

Your relationship with your Mil isn't the same as with your dm and I think you hit the nail on the head with why, because your dm cares about ds AND you whereas it's just ds with your mil.

I had this realisation with my mil who I really like and thought liked me. When dd1 was born we lived a long way (24 hours) from my family. It became apparent very quickly her order of care was dd1, then dh. ...and I completely understand.

But I would 100% prioritise seeing my dm over mil .

And just to reiterate I really do like my mil but I'm very far down on her list of priorities that I just crack on and don't expect anything but gladly take whatever she offers.

You have been more than reasonable here, unfortunately in your DH's mother you are dealing with someone who is inherently unreasonable and has strange opinions about girls. I am not surprised to read that her own DD keeps her distance, she has had more than enough of her own mother.

Where is your DH in all this; has he not spoken to his mother about her behaviours?. What does he think? Or is he really afraid of her, defaults into child mode and or still wants her approval and thus does not have your back here? How does he get on with his parents these days?.

She also being overtly too attached to your DS is another red flag here re her; I would stay well away from her and her bystander of a husband.

At the very least you need to raise your boundaries a lot higher re his mother, for instance you do not need to go there every single Sunday.