To tell MIL to stop being jealous of my mum

[bailz]

My mum and I are very close. She works mon-thurs and so comes over every Friday to see me, help out, see DS (5 months) and just generally be around. We sometimes go shopping, or go see my grandma, or she takes DS out for an hour or two so I can get stuff done/have a break.
My MIL has a random Friday off and asked to come round, but obvs I had plans with my mum (we were going to see my 90+ yo grandparents with the baby) so MIL said she would just come along. Now I'm not being funny, but they've never met and I'd rather not tbh. Grandma is 93 and has 93yo health problems and doesn't always like to meet new people these days.
I politely declined the offer so she said she would come and take DS while we went and again I said no. My GP love spending time with DS as does my DM. So MIL is whinging that I spend too much time with my DM and not her so it's not even. I get wrong for not ringing her with updates or sending pictures of DS (have a family whatsapp group where I'll upload pics sometimes) but DH does all that anyways. We always go up together as a family to see her every Sunday anyways but had to miss a week because DS was cluster feeding and PIL get all nervous and OTT when I BF in front of them so I don't like to. So apparently I'm now being difficult. We're going up on the Sunday anyways but apparently she had planned this Friday and what she would do with us so is now all disappointed.
AIBU to not cancel my plans? Also, do I sound difficult?

Of course yanbu.

You had plans to visit very infirm, elderly grandparents. It's very selfish of your MIL to cancel those plans just because her day off had changed.

I would breastfeed at their house as well- if they complain about that, switch the weekend visits to your house.

Her wish to spend more time with the baby does not sound particularly odd, although you have the right to spend your time with whomever you wish; but the fact that she feels it is OK to criticise how much time you spend with your mum and to tell you you are too dependent on her is absolutely out of order and very weird indeed! - and to suggest that it is unfair on her as you spend so much time with the baby is totally off the wall! No wonder you hang back from closer contact.

I do understand this scenario where the two lots of GPs would like to see the baby; but in the end you have to do what you want to do and what you think is best - your child, your decisions.

Her wanting to piggyback on your visit to your GPs is unbelievable!

I feel sorry for your FIL 😢

So what is the issue with the breastfeeding?

Is it because then your MIL has to give back your DS, so you can feed him?

She is more than a doting granny and more overbearing. Who would think it was reasonable to make comments like that..?

She will only get worse until you set firm boundaries. I would stop the weekly visits, because as you say she's not interested in seeing you and your DP but just your son so she can play and treat him like a doll.

You already had plans - It's irrelevant that they were with your mum IMO.

So you see your mum once a week (Friday) and you see MIL once a week (Sunday)?
How does your MIL think that's unfair? It was actually very wrong of her to make assumptions she could just intrude on your mum's day, as I'm sure she'd be a bit pissed if your mum decided she wanted to do a Sunday as well one week.

There would be no harm in her contacting you in advance and offering to have baby one Friday so you and your mum can do something nice together, but still would be wrong of her to whinge if you did decline the offer as a Friday is your mum's day to enjoy time with baby.

YANBU at all, but for the sake of keeping the peace it may be worth having a chat with MIL and suggest that next time she contacts you in advance if she's off so you don't make other plans, and explain that you don't feel comfortable with her taking up baby's time on a Friday because then your mum would miss out for a week.

Thanks for the replies.

So the breastfeeding thing. They don't mind me doing it, I just feel uncomfortable as she is really interested in it and asks weird questions and FIL runs away lol. He just feels super uncomfortable and chooses to leave the room which is fine but I then feel bad.

There is no way of seeing both of them on that Friday. They live at opposite sides of the county so about an hour and a half drive between them. She doesnt drive so it would be me running between everyone with a small baby.

Sometimes on the Sunday I don't go up to see MIL so she gets time with just DH and DS, also he swings by sometimes if he's up that way for rugby.

YANBU.

She can't really expect that you would abandon all your plans to fall in with hers, and perfectly reasonable to politely decline for her to come along on your visit with DM to GM. As you say, elderly person, not always easy to handle a stranger, plus you don't want another adult competing for ds when you've taken him to visit his GGM. That was their time with him.

Ok, she's disappointed, but making sure you know it is about trying to pressure you into giving way. It isn't your job to protect her from disappointment or solve it for her. Equally the now complaining about too much time with your family seems more about her being peeved she didn't get what she hoped for rather than raising a valid point. I wouldn't take it too seriously. Agree, be careful about that Sunday becoming set in stone in her mind, I'd start deliberately varying it to occasional Saturdays and having occasional weekends where you do something else to prevent it becoming too much of a pattern, or you may find she feels hurt and deprived when the time comes where ds wants to go to a friend's party or an activity, or you just want a Sunday at home in peace as your own family time.

YANBU

Well it doesn't sound as if she gets to do too badly- & she sometimes gets to see her son & gs without you!

Regardless of anything else please do not under any circumstances allow anyone to hold your baby if they have a hot drink anywhere near them. I was badly scalded by a cup of tea as a baby and subsequently spent six weeks in hospital. I'm still scarred now and I'm mid fifties. Spent years suffering mentally.

Be firm and remove your child from her. It's not worth the risk.

I agree about not allowing people with hot drinks to hold the baby. That is dangerous.
I wonder though if MIL feel as that she has to savour every moment with baby. Quite likely she feel that Your DM has more time with baby and you also have DGPs who also see baby. You mentioned MIL has a Daughter who stays away from MIL. Does the daughter have children? She probably thinks you DM has more time than her with baby and you also have DGP who see baby. I wonder if she is worried that your baby will be taken from her as perhaps the children of the daughter are not visiting MIl. She may even think she is doing the right thing having a family meal on Sundays. That was the done thing in years past.
I also wonder if it is not best to keep all Grandparents with the same level of time with the little ones.

OP I stand corrected about the photos if your Dh send daily.

You sound like you are trying to do your best. Don't let them or anyome make you feel bad a out breast feeding!

I'd ease off Khyber weekend visits too. in time it will be quite hard to fit it all in.

Good luck stay sane!

Where did Khyber weekend visit come from! On the weekend visits.

Haha gotta love typos/autocorrect.

We are the only ones to have kids in our immediate family. SIL & 2 x BIL are all late 30s with no desire to have children so looks like we'll be the only ones to procreate lol.

She's just super excited about being a grandma which I understand. I'm happy to keep up the Sunday visits as it fits in with out routine. Both sets of parents know that once I go back to work everything will change so it's only a for now thing.

Sounds like you have it sussed OP.