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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not given sister money for her birthday?

29 replies

NurseScorne · 26/05/2017 16:53

In our family we tend to give the kids money in a card for birthdays. This stops once the kids are adults. My sister was 22 last week so I sent a card without money in it. The week before was my birthday and she didn't even send me a card.

Anyway my mother is furious and not speaking to me - she has started slagging me off to relatives saying I "didn't even bother putting money in sisters card". My relative stated that as she's an adult, it's understandable but my mother got arsey with relative and said "but DD2 is her SISTER!". Relative pointed out that I was HER sister and had received sweet FA for my birthday, not even a card so how is it any different? My mum replied "well, I suppose I didn't think of it like that but I still think she could have given her something".

I'm fuming about the outrage of injustice for my sister when I didn't even receive a card on my birthday! We're both adults, yes I'm older than her but we're both independent adults!

The favouritism is so fucking irritating. On my wedding day they turned up at the last minute (MIL and SIL helped me get ready!) as they decided that would be a good day to help sister with her house hunting. Afterwards they complained that it was a "long day for everyone" like my wedding was some kind of fucking chore.

AIBU about the lack of birthday money and AIBU to consider limiting contact from now on?

OP posts:
kate20091985 · 26/05/2017 17:00

YANBU. I have a younger brother who is now in his mid twenties who will message me when it's coming up to his birthday asking for money, yet I don't even get a message on Facebook for mine (or my kids).

Questioningeverything · 26/05/2017 17:01

I'd tell mum to bugger off. It's her that's causing the drama.
If they're not talking to you, it's surely no loss.

HarrietKettleWasHere · 26/05/2017 17:03

Did you post a tread about your mum and the card situation the other day OP?

HarrietKettleWasHere · 26/05/2017 17:03

Thread *

Allthebestnamesareused · 26/05/2017 17:04

Yes - all adults.

So if you all chose to give gifts you do but if one has already chosen not to, why should the other have to.

YANBU.

Original poster
NurseScorne · 26/05/2017 17:06

I'm not really bothered what my sister thinks to be honest but I am pissed off at my mum immediately jumping to her defence and forgetting that I'm also her daughter and didn't receive anything on my birthday. It didn't even cross my mind to complain about it but obviously, sister is so much more important and entitled than I am

OP posts:
BetterEatCheese · 26/05/2017 17:07

Ridiculous. Let her crack on, she looks daft as she is clearly being unreasonable and childish.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 26/05/2017 17:08

Yanbu. This sounds like something my mother and sister would do/say.

My mother wanted me to chip in for a $200 purse for my sister's birthday a few years ago.

She was upset when I said no, and then said "Well, I won't be able to afford it by myself!"

She didn't like it when I suggested that maybe she could afford it if she didn't have to pay for my sister's car insurance and phone bill every month.

It's really frustrating watching blatant favouritism as "the other child," isn't it?

Vroomster · 26/05/2017 17:12

Didn't you post about the card and your sister the other day?

Original poster
NurseScorne · 26/05/2017 17:16

Yes at that point I had sussed that my mother was not talking to me but didn't really know why - I took a guess at the birthday card.

Well today it has been confirmed via relatives that she and sister (and her god awful father) have been slagging me off about it to them.

I was pissed off when I "thought" it was about the card but now livid that I KNOW they have been slagging me off to family about it like I'm a tight bitch that should have done more

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 26/05/2017 17:22

Favouritism is an awful and hurtful thing. Step away from the drama as much as you can. You are worth so much more than this.

diddl · 26/05/2017 17:24

How ridiculous the whole thing is.

Do the other relatives know that the last handing over of the money is at 21?

If so, then your mum & sister will just sound ridiculous & petty.

Well, they probably will anyway.

Can't see the point of the same note cycling round!

Original poster
NurseScorne · 26/05/2017 17:27

It normally stops at 16! 18 at most ... I just carried on doing it out of habit and because I could afford to but at 21 and after never receiving so much as a card of her I thought last year that it should stop. Funnily enough I told them this last year and they were absolutely fine with it - yet this year it's a problem? Fuck that, can't be arsed with their stupid games and drama

OP posts:
Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 26/05/2017 17:29

Just think about what you will be saving when they all get fuck all from now on....

seafoodeatit · 26/05/2017 17:38

your mum is behaving like a petulant child! YANBU to consider restricting contact, and you were DNBU on not putting money in the card, you were more than generous sending a card.

Reducing contact sometimes is the only way to stay civil and maintain your sanity. Mine recently threatened not to show up to a party if I didn't change it to her preferred date.

Mrdarcyfanclub · 26/05/2017 17:46

How outrageous to do that for your wedding. Do you have different fathers? If so, is yours still around/in contact with you? I'd certainly spend your time with relatives like the one that stood up for you, rather than your mother and sister. You won't change them and the entitlement of your sister, supported by your mother, will continue to eat away at your self esteem. The less you allow them to carry you along in their drama, the less power they will have over you. Guilt is usual the means by which they suck you in.

Original poster
NurseScorne · 26/05/2017 17:56

My father died unfortunately months before she decided to marry again

I was thrown out at 16 and overheard my mum saying to him that she wishes it was just the two of them and their DD. I was 13 at the time. When I was 19 and alone with my DS he offered to be a guarantor for a house for me, I was in a state of Nirvana going to view the house, got accepted for it, went to pick up the guarantor form only to be told he'd "changed his mind". I was devastated and cried for days. My mum sided with him, naturally.

OP posts:
Madwoman5 · 26/05/2017 20:26

Your mum is acting like a knob and your sister is acting entitled. Radiators and drains. Nothing will ever change so don't bother fighting it. Pull back. Waaaaaaay back. Deliver your cards in your way, with or without money. They are both drains and you will never win. Go find some radiators and be happy.

Original poster
NurseScorne · 26/05/2017 20:29

If nothing else, it's made me appreciate the rest of my family more!

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 26/05/2017 20:31

Whoever the relative who stood up for you is, they're a good egg. Glad someone's got your back!

peachgreen · 26/05/2017 22:09

You posted this exact thread the other day... I don't mean this in a nasty way at all because I also have a golden child sibling, but would you maybe benefit from some counselling about this? It seems to preoccupy you quite a bit and is no doubt very hurtful.

Original poster
NurseScorne · 26/05/2017 22:26

Peachgreen, that was before I knew for certain that the money was the issue. Now I find out they've been slagging me off for it around the family after I've gone out of my way for a year to help them. Yes I'm bitter about it and yes, I could possibly benefit from coucelling

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 26/05/2017 22:32

Your mother sounds totally horrible. :(

I think no / low contact would be really helpful.

Are you the poster whose mother found the post you made?

glitterglitters · 26/05/2017 22:33

Nah. My dsis and I still do presents but we technically don't. My brother doesn't even bother sending a card.
My nephews and nieces have a 21 yo cut off with cash because I've got kids now and I'm self employed. If they come and see us though I'll treat them, feed them etc

Hisnamesblaine · 26/05/2017 22:38

So long as you have other family.members for support I would bin them off. Delete there number from your phone and wait........