To expect a primary school to take DS his packed lunch

[MadAsFluff]

Name change as DS' school monitors MN ( I am not kidding). Today DS9 forgot his packed lunch so I took it to school at 9:30. Fast forward to just now when I picked him up, his class teacher spoke to me to make me aware that at 1pm ( 10 mins before lunch finished) his food was still in the office so he hadn't eaten much as there wasn't enough time left. She also kindly informed me that she had explained to him he needed to eat his lunch for energy even if he says he's not hungry ( He didn't say the reason he wasn't hungry was because he now felt sick - I'm not surprised!) I knew full well the reason he hadn't eaten was because he had put down for a packed lunch but then realised at lunchtime he actually didn't have any food so had just gone and sat outside and been too worried to ask ( this has happened before) my gripe is that this school refuse to take anything brought in by parents to a child that has forgotten it - Even food! The teacher said he was told it was in the office but he is adamant he wasn't told and actually if you think logically - had he known - when he realised he had no lunchbox he would have gone and got it. The teacher refused to accept anything I said and when I pointed out that every other school I know delivers stuff to the child's class she said it's the child's responsibility to remember their belongings. AIBU to be upset that they didn't take a 9yo his packed lunch. If not what do I do now? Leave it and seem like a ranty parent ( I wasn't shouty but was quite direct and did not back down or accept her reasoning) or do I write to the HT and clearly explain why it wasn't acceptable?

lovinglola it is still on the cards that he will move. We just find it an agonising decision. He does have very good friends. It has been the heart of our community for 17 years. All our friends are there as well . We live 5mins walk away. To leave entirely, when he is begging to stay is so so hard

YANBU OP. My kids are at a large primary - nearly 800 kids - and I'm sure they wouldn't do this.

Thank you all for your replies. I can always rely on MN for a measured response. I think I will speak to DS and make sure he always goes to the office to check whenever he has forgotten something. We are still considering very carefully where he will continue to go to school. No we haven't reported to OFSTED it is actually very limited the power a parent has to complain ( essentially HT and then governors)

• This is an institution where the governors monitor MN for posts about the school. They wanted negative posts to be deleted a few years ago - and to be able to control any further posts. Clearly they have never come up against the force that is MN

I would change schools if the environment is such that someone can't say they have made a mistake.

At our school if a kid doesn't have lunch for whatever reason, they get a vegemite sandwich and an apple and you get a note/bill home asking you to pay for it.

Problem solved, everyone happy, no hungry/confused/upset kids. No wasting of anyone's time unnecessarily.

My office staff would deliver to infants but expect junior aged children to collect it.

It's very possible your son didn't hear the classrroom teacher tell him where his lunch was. It's also possible the classroom teacher or receptionist forgot or got mixed up. They have so much to remember anyway, I'm actually surprised how little they forget considering.

You'd be better off directing your son to speak to a teacher at lunchtime rather then sit somewhere quietly hungry.

I have two 9 yos.

I would think very, very carefully about sending them to a school where the pupils are so frightened of the teachers they don't speak up about a missing lunch. What else are they too frightened to speak up about - not understanding the lesson?

However I also think that 9yo is well old enough to be responsible to make sure they have their lunch. I think saying he's "dozy" is minimising his responsibility. If he's genuinely too frightened to speak up then he needs to jolly well make sure he has his lunch.

Finally I think you also bear some responsibility here. If you are choosing to send him to this backward sounding school and you are accepting that he is "dozy" then you should make sure he has his lunch.

The last thing I say to my kids as they leave the house is: "do you both have your lunch? Water bottles? snack?" The answer is always "yes" but I check anyway.

Poor lad, it seems like an unfortunate lack of communication.

Our high school has a system where every day 2 x yr8s do their work in the foyer and act as runners for the office staff taking messages to various teachers and students. It works very well, but it's a big school and not something I've seen in the high schools I know of in the U.K.

DD2 forgot her lunch once in yr 10 - I bumped into the principal in the office when I took it in and he hand delivered it to her. She was very embarrassed and begged me not to do that again!

The school sounds appalling. 9 year olds forget things on occasion. Bloody hell, 39 year olds forget things on occasion (I have more than once left my phone or ID badge at home and asked DH to drop it in to work as he passes the hospital on the school run!).

That he felt unable to let a teacher know he had no lunch is very sad, and says more about the atmosphere at the school than it does about his responsibility or lack of.

My children take a packed lunch daily and on the occasions they forget it, one of us will run it into the office and they will then take it down to the classroom - ages 9 & 11. Once when they forgot to take their lunches but we didn't realise, they went to the office who rang us to ask us to bring something in for them.

YACompletelyNotU - the school should have at the least sent a message to his classroom to say his lunch was there and he could pick it up at lunchtime, if not taken it to his room.

How do they expect him to concentrate and behave for 6h with nothing to eat since breakfast?

(Yes, I know adults have to. I often have to go from breakfast at 7 to some form of meal at half four or later with no break in the middle - but I'm an adult and can cope. I wouldn't expect a 9 year old to be able to).

Very sad and unnecessary. What's wrong with a primary school that wilfully and cynically doesn't unite a 9 year old with his lunch?

Dd also went to the kind of junior school where children were afraid to ask for help. In fact, teachers were afraid to ask to: I remember being asked by dd's form tutor if I could go and see the headteacher about some teaching issue "because I don't like to ask". This was a woman in her late 20s if not older, so definitely older than 5.

Yes, we could have moved dd, but it wasn't that easy: all the local schools were full and it would have meant a long commute away from all her friends and local community.

Some years ago I heard that there was a rule that a UK state school must provide a meal for a child who needs one even if they arrive at dinner time.

DD is 9 and I can quite imagine her sitting in silence rather than telling anyone she's had no lunch - she has anxiety and would struggle to speak up. This is something we are working on, and being as prepared as possible each day (i.e. Not forgetting to bring things) is part of that.

I'm shocked that your school office didn't ensure your DS's lunch got to him, how mean is that! It's a primary school and his classroom can't be more than 2 mins from the office so school definitely IBU. Also they have an in logo parents responsibility to ensure children have eaten/have what they need to function healthily during the school day. Our school office would definitely have delivered the lunch to the child, and wtf were the lunch monitors doing to not notice your DS had no food? I'd complain to the HT in your position.

As an aside, I would not be happy with the situation a PP described of excluding a couple of kids from learning each day so they can act as runners for the office

It's awful that a child who doesn't have anxiety problems feels he can't ask for food for fear of discipline.
I understand the imagined trauma of moving schools OP having recently moved DS age 6 who gets quite anxious about new environments, had lots of friends and didn't want to move. We moved countries though so not much choice! But, he's been fine and within a few weeks had new friends and is loving it.

Please don't leave him there if he's going to be told off so severely for normal level forgetfulness! He's only 9, he needs to know he's a valued member of school. TBH your reasons for keeping him there are a bit poor - you know it's not a good environment but...

Maybe ask your DDs school to be if they have places and could your DS do a taster day. He may be quite surprised.

Another 2 years is a massive amount of time in a child's life. Don't accept this degree of intimidation from the very people who should be nurturing your child. Regardless of how long you've been affiliated with the school.

You're all saying he's old enough to say something by when I was 9 I wouldn't have said a word! I'd have been terrified of getting in trouble for forgetting .

What is the matter with people? Letting a child go hungry because they "should" go to the office to pick up their lunch? How hard is it to walk around a few lunch bags that parents have dropped off.

People exhaust me. YANBU.

I'd say the school should probably have given it to him, but mainly to avoid complaints; not because it's the right thing to do. It's time-consuming and it prevents children learning the consequences of their actions. But dealing with complaints is also a PITA

I'm sure it's a PITA for the staff but the odd time we've forgotten DD's packed lunch and have taken it in late the office staff have taken it and put it on the lunch trolley for their class. Alternatively I wouldn't mind if they asked DD to pick it up herself. I would mind if it just sat in the office all morning and she didn't get it. Sounds like poor communication.

NotYoda

sorry, my last post was more strongly worded than necessary

Of course the right thing to do is not for a child to be left hungry

(I also didn't read the thread fully, which is not on)

I think your bigger issue is that the school discourages children from asking for help. Missing most of your lunch once when there are a series of "errors" (you forgetting it, your DS thinking he shouldn't have said he was packed lunch, teacher not telling him the lunch is in the office or DS forgetting he was told/not hearing) is a shame but it's not really a long term issue and could be brushed off. But your DS is going into a place everyday where he is afraid to talk to the people who are supposed to care for him about things that are a problem. I think that is a problem. It's the sort of thing I'd want to raise in any surveys/feedback the school solicited and with the parent governors, who should be concerned about setting leadership for the general ethos and values of the school.

I would be strongly in favour of moving him to the other school that Dd is starting at in September - unless he himself is adamant that he wants to stay.

The current school sounds terrible, and the effects of spending so many formative years in such an un-nurturing unpleasant environment will affect your ds for many year to come anyway. However if he gets to experience a year or two at a school which treats children kindly then that could help him to process the experience in a positive way.

bless him. at dds school they would have passed the lunch on, and it would have been spotted that he had not sat down for lunch either

Hmm... On the one hand, yes I'd say most primary schools that I know would have passed the lunchbox on.
However, it sounds like you really really need to work on your child's independence and communication skills.
Assuming there's no additional needs at 9 he should be taking responsibility for firstly remembering his own lunch and not expecting mum to run around after him and secondly for problem solving or communicating the problem to somebody else. Going and sitting outside and expecting an adult to notice that he had no lunch and do something about it isn't an appropriate strategy for a 9 year old is it?
Perhaps instead of getting cross with the school you could put your energy into equipping your child with some strategies to use if it happens again?

My school, they ring the class teacher from reception to tell the child to come to reception to collect whatever they have forgotten from their parent

This has always been my experience too, as a student (in two different countries) and parent, in both high school and primary school.

I can't believe all these admin staff being expected to act as delivery people for kids who've forgotten their stuff. What a complete waste of their (and their employers' time).

I was in the reception area of my kids' primary school one morning. At least eight children in a five minute period were called up to collect things they hadn't remembered to bring in with them. I'm trying to imagine how much time staff would've wasted traipsing all over the school to deliver these things themselves.

Blimey! Our school will do a school dinner for a child who has forgotten their lunch (obvs it gets paid for by parent as soon as possible). Mine have even kept back a school dinner when I've had to take my children to an appointment and would be back before the end of school lunch.

I don't think it is unreasonable for an adult to send a message saying the child's lunch is in the office for collection, it does then put the onus back on the child to collect. I'm sure there are many people going in/out and past the school office on a regular basis, or in some large schools I know of, a pupil from a nearby classroom is collared to take a message to the room on the other side of the school site.