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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not attend this therapy meeting

108 replies

Strawberryshortcake40 · 24/05/2017 10:06

DD has mental health issues and one of her regular weekly appointments is family therapy with CAMHS.

This weekend we have had some terrible issues with exDH and her which have seriously affected her recovery. I've tried to talk to him but got nowhere.

The thought of sitting in a room with him saying what a great supportive parent he is makes me utterly furious. I know if I go he will twist things while remaining calm and I will lose my temper.

DD is happy for me not to go. She is planning to just nod along when he is in there but then tell all when she has her time alone with the therapist. I have written a letter to the therapist saying that I'm afraid because of these issues it will just turn into a slanging match in front of DD which won't help her. I have promised to calm down in time for the next meeting and also given her details of DDs progress this week.

AIBU to not go? Should I be able to suck it up and deal with him? I'm usually able to stay calm but this time his behaviour has been horrendous and my every instinct is for her not to see him at all at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 25/05/2017 06:16

Had several PA messages from him last night, this has obviously infuriated him. Which to an extent I can understand, but he is hindering her recovery.

Spent a long time with DD last night chatting, she said she didn't want me there as "thats why he goes mum, to try and get at you once a week". I hadn't realised that aspect of it but I think she's right!

OP posts:
erinaceus · 25/05/2017 06:34

Are you able to cut contact with him completely? Or would that not work for you? I am not a parent, I have no idea how these things work.

I was thinking what your DD said, FWIW. That may or may not be why he goes, but it does sound as if it is from your account of things.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 25/05/2017 06:39

No can't cut contact and to a certain extent contact has been necessary up to now as the "deal" was he would help care for her some of two days a week so I could try and work (self employed). DD was ok with this for short bits of time (e.g. In two hour chunks that didn't go over a mealtime) and her therapy team were too on those terms. He has now pulled that support leaving us utterly up shit creek financially. Which he knows. Again another control measure, but who the hell forces their children to live in that way???Therefore I see no reason to play nice with him anymore which includes letting him be a part of her treatment.

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 25/05/2017 06:51

Your DD sounds amazing in the midst of her MH difficulties. And perhaps her realisation of her father EA will help her in her recovery?

I'm also glad the therapist didn't want him to go in either. The sessions are likely to be far more beneficial for your DD once they've clicked what some of the issues are.

And don't feel like you have to hold back in the sessions. I have to go on with my ds for his CBT because of his autism and lack of ability to connect emotionally. One session I broke down and the next session the therapist finally got where ds and I both were and came up with a much better plan.

erinaceus · 25/05/2017 07:02

who the hell forces their children to live in that way???

I'm so sorry Strawberryshortcake40 that you are dealing with this.

I agree with pp that your DD's treatment team need to know where you are at - emotionally and financially. If this means you being vulnerable in family therapy, that might be what has to happen.

The "parents watching the child like a hawk" treatment approach is a relatively new thing and sort of the current fashion in ED treatment. It wasn't around "in my day" as an AN patient. There are other treatment option, and these could be explored with your treatment team. Is your DD motivated to recover, do you think?

NameChange30 · 25/05/2017 07:34

OK, finances. You really shouldn't be using him for childcare. Is he paying child maintenance? If not go through CMO/CMS so he has to pay it. Are you claiming Child Tax Credits and any other benefits you're entitled to? What about the divorce and financial settlement, is that done and dusted yet?

erinaceus · 25/05/2017 07:54

RE finances. I was going to suggest Carer's Allowance and/or DLA/PIP for your DD.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 25/05/2017 07:58

Really? What should I be doing for childcare then? There isn't a lot available for an anorexic 15 year old!! Yes he pays maintenance but I need to work to actually make ends meet. And yes I've got all the benefits I can get. I need to earn a certain amount for us to get by and the divorce was settled on the basis I could work.

He has two days to work at home granted to him by his company to look after his sick child. He is still doing that. Just not helping care for her. While I struggle to pay the bills here.

All not the main issue of course but financial abuse was always one of his methods and now he's doing it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 25/05/2017 07:59

Looking into DLA but will still be a massive drop in finances. I was working very hard to give us an okay lifestyle. I'm furious that he has snatched that back.

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Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 25/05/2017 08:01

He is of the opinion she can be left while I work. Which is completely against the advice of all medical staff.

She has badly blistered soles currently from where she continually paces if I leave the house. So if I went for two hours to work she would pace continually for that time.

OP posts:
erinaceus · 25/05/2017 08:09

Aw, your poor DD. I feel for her so much.

If your exH is going against your DD's treatment team's guidance that is not helpful.

Have her treatment team discussed inpatient? In terms of childcare for a fifteen year old, you would need somebody who has a deep understanding of mental health issues and whom your DD is comfortable with, and who could be on the same page as you and the treatment team. When I was unwell my grandparents stepped in at one stage. My older sister also supported me through some rough patches. Are these sorts of ideas options for you?

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 25/05/2017 08:11

No, no family help at all available.

OP posts:
erinaceus · 25/05/2017 08:16

Aw Strawberryshortcake40 it sounds tough.

My sense is that you need to be transparent about the whole situation with your DD's psychiatrist. It sounds as if you are suffering emotionally and financially. If the plan is not working, then the plan needs to change. OTOH if DD is gaining weight consistently then the psychiatrist may not have helpful suggestions.

Do you have any suppprt for yourself outside of DD's treatment team?

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 25/05/2017 08:18

She is not ill enough for hospitalisation. Which is a good thing. And no I have no support. Tbh I would settle for just an hour catch-up with a friend over a stress free lunch.

OP posts:
April2013 · 25/05/2017 08:27

I'm sorry but I think you and her need to cut contact with him, I know you need the support but it is at too great a price, I think she will hopefully improve once he is out of the picture. I know this will have financial implications, I hope there's a way around it somehow. Getting to the point of being NC and how to go about that might be something that the therapist can help you and your daughter with.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 25/05/2017 08:36

Not possible as I have other DC with him. So contact has to be maintained for them

OP posts:
SafeToCross · 25/05/2017 08:38

I am really sorry for your situation. I have not completely read the full thread, but came on here to say I think it was really unhelpful that you were asked to do therapy sessions as a family. Sure, if no acrimony, it can be good to get everyone together, but even where the young person and the parent are acrimonious, seperated family therapy (ie you both having your own sessions) is indicated and single family therapy contra-indicated. Unfortunately in my experience job loss and financial difficulty are one of the untalked about side effects of anorexia. (Also of a lot of physicsl childhood illnesses and disabilities) She needs to have meal support those days, bottom line, life saving, and you are the only actually supportive and helpful parent. It sucks for her and you that this is the case, but it is what it is, you need, I think, to move forward on that basis.

NameChange30 · 25/05/2017 08:40

What? So you think it's ok for your other children to be in contact with him?

He's an emotionally abusive twat. Surely they'd all be better off without seeing him.

NameChange30 · 25/05/2017 08:42

And I think you should apply for DLA for her and Carers Allowance for yourself.

It may be a struggle financially but I think it's worth making sacrifices so you don't have to rely on him to look after DD (which he doesn't even do properly anyway) just so you can maintain your previous "lifestyle".

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 25/05/2017 08:59

Sorry I take offence at people commenting on lifestyle. I mean enough to pay the bills and have a okay standard of living. We don't have a fantastic lifestyle and cut a lot of corners anyway. I have a DD to support at uni too.

And it's not that easy to just stop children seeing their father is it? Especially if they want to in the case of the other two. Yes it may be what I have to do for one of them but that doesn't mean I can for all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 25/05/2017 09:02

Yes nobody talks about the financial difficulties of this kind of thing. It's expected that you will give up work to support your child but nobody actually tells you how to afford to do that.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/05/2017 09:08

Strawberry what a complete nightmare, can DD work with you so you can keep an eye on her?

Make her do some on-line classes, learn to touch type so she is occupied?

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 25/05/2017 09:11

Unfortunately not. If I go see clients I have to leave her alone here. If I see clients here so has to sit upstairs. So she's unsupervised whichever way.
At the end of the day I will do what I have to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 25/05/2017 09:12

She has some school work. She reads and paces Hmm

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Bloosh · 25/05/2017 09:21

I have no advice - but I'd certainly be turning to you for advice if I had difficulties with a teen. You sound tremendously rational and practical and loving. So all I can say is go with your instincts because they seem totally sound.