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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not attend this therapy meeting

108 replies

Strawberryshortcake40 · 24/05/2017 10:06

DD has mental health issues and one of her regular weekly appointments is family therapy with CAMHS.

This weekend we have had some terrible issues with exDH and her which have seriously affected her recovery. I've tried to talk to him but got nowhere.

The thought of sitting in a room with him saying what a great supportive parent he is makes me utterly furious. I know if I go he will twist things while remaining calm and I will lose my temper.

DD is happy for me not to go. She is planning to just nod along when he is in there but then tell all when she has her time alone with the therapist. I have written a letter to the therapist saying that I'm afraid because of these issues it will just turn into a slanging match in front of DD which won't help her. I have promised to calm down in time for the next meeting and also given her details of DDs progress this week.

AIBU to not go? Should I be able to suck it up and deal with him? I'm usually able to stay calm but this time his behaviour has been horrendous and my every instinct is for her not to see him at all at the moment.

OP posts:
Squirmy65ghyg · 24/05/2017 14:51

But who are the sessions with and what are they for?

The thought of him being in the same room as her/you is awful. Why can't the person in charge of these tell him not to come?

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 24/05/2017 14:56

They are the norm for eating disorder therapy, the idea is the whole family go. And yes that includes if you are divorced. And really they were not in the slightest bothered about the animosity between us when we attended first time around (DD has relapsed since). Imagine finally separating from a deeply abusive man and being told unless you work together your daughter will get worse. Being told he needs to see her every day etc. It was hell. I did it. I kept my nerve and got through it thinking I would never have to again!!

OP posts:
JamPasty · 24/05/2017 14:57

In her words she wants to watch him dig a massive hole for himself

sounds like she is getting the measure of him. If she doesn't live with him, and him attending is not helping her, or changing the way he behaves so as to help her, can she say to her therapist she doesn't want him there?

i think you did right not to go by the way - not least because it allows him, as your DD has said, to dig himself a big hole to fall into.

Also, hugs to her and you, cos mental health issues are such a sod.

JamPasty · 24/05/2017 15:00

and bullshit to anyone that says he has to see her everyday! She's old enough to say, should she wish it, that she never wants to see him again!

Also, he is never going to work with you two on this, because he's abusive. She will get better quicker if you and she work together and cut him out. I know I'm only saying what you know already, but I wanted to re-iterate that you're not wrong!

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 24/05/2017 15:01

I'm not a bad mother for not going. My days start at 4.30 so I can be awake before her to stop her exercising. She's home all day and can't be left for more than a few minutes, so I have had to give up work. I have to check on her at night. We do a minimum of 5 appointments a week. It's very hard work. Instead I went to Starbucks and had a coffee for half hour. It was bloody lovely.

She didn't want me to go at the end of the day so I went with that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 24/05/2017 15:01

We made massive progress the week he was away. Literally huge. Says it all.

OP posts:
Dawndonnaagain · 24/05/2017 15:03

Strawberry, with the back up of psychiatrist, ex dh doesn't have to attend. My dh doesn't come anywhere near us. The psychiatrist said it would be unhelpful, and as dd has made a number of very serious suicide attempts ( I don't mean ten aspirin, I mean 40+ paracetamol) the mental health services won the day with regard to family therapy.

JamPasty · 24/05/2017 15:05

We made massive progress the week he was away. Literally huge. Says it all. It does say it all, and it also says she can make that progress again, once TwatH is out of the way. Definitely keep pushing to get him dropped from these sessions

JamPasty · 24/05/2017 15:07

Also Brew for you - you're doing good, so take care of yourself too.

RandomMess · 24/05/2017 15:07

FlowersCakeBrew

KOKO and I hope he decides they are too stressful and stops going!

Squirmy65ghyg · 24/05/2017 15:13

Course you're not a bad mother.

The twats who are letting him attend these therapy sessions are so misguided. What an absolute bastard he is.

CloudPerson · 24/05/2017 15:15

Are CAMHS aware that the psych and cbt therapist feel he is at the root of this?
If yes, and they are not offering your dd a safe space away from this abuse then surely they are complicit? Especially when she made more progress when he wasn't there.
TBH this sounds like typical CAMHS to me, gloss over the facts and follow protocol.
I agree with whoever says to tell him the meetings are cancelled and let your dd go with you.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 24/05/2017 15:21

Well an interesting turn of events
Therapist wouldn't let him in the room. Said she didn't need to speak to him.
I guess she has figured it out!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 24/05/2017 15:23

It would be difficult to tell him they are cancelled when he made sure at the beginning it was only his number/email address they had and he booked it for when suited him!!! I have since rectified that but I'm continually having to manage that situation and stop his control.

OP posts:
JamPasty · 24/05/2017 15:25

Can the pysch and CBT therapist write to CAHMS requesting he be uninvited from these sessions?

Dawndonnaagain · 24/05/2017 15:26

Brilliant Strawberry, let's hope it stays that way!

NameChange30 · 24/05/2017 15:34

"Therapist wouldn't let him in the room. Said she didn't need to speak to him."

Thank God for that.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 24/05/2017 15:42

She told DD that he isn't a supportive role model apparently.

DD put on half kg last week. Tiny amount but better than the 1kg loss a week we have had for months

OP posts:
JamPasty · 24/05/2017 15:47

She told DD that he isn't a supportive role model apparently. Oh bravo to that therapist! Also massive congrats to DD for putting on weight!

redshoeblueshoe · 24/05/2017 15:52

Thank goodness for that. I felt sick when you said what he told her about the coffin.
You are not a bad mum, you are brilliant
Brew and Flowers

Italiangreyhound · 24/05/2017 16:11

Strawberry "I'm not a bad mother for not going." Of course you are not a bad mum. You are a bloody brilliant mum. You just asked for advice and we all piled in with the best we had at that time of day. But of course you need to be led by your dd and what you think is best.

"Well an interesting turn of events
Therapist wouldn't let him in the room. Said she didn't need to speak to him.
I guess she has figured it out!!"

EXCELLENT NEWS! Thanks

Keep up the good work and look after yourself. Smile XX

Keepthebloodynoisedown · 24/05/2017 16:38

I'm not a bad mother for not going.

No your not, mental health problems are awful for the family of those suffering as well.
Tbh, it doesn't sound like this is helping your dd at all. I was in a similar situation as a teenager (PTSD, suicidal and self-harming rather than eating disorder) with a narcissistic dad that was emotionally abusive.
We had a few sessions of me and my mum sat silently while he told outright lies to the therapist, to scared to contradict him, before they decided it was in my best interests to stop.
I don't want to sound harsh, but if her dad is shit then she needs to learn to cope with that, or it could continue to set back her recovery, and while she's in treatment may be the best time to do that, as she has the support that she needs.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 24/05/2017 16:55

Hang on in there Op Flowers good news about him being excluded from the meeting . I've been through similar with abusive ex and my DD . I also had trouble holding my temper and at one meeting I had to walk out or I would have physically attacked him.

My DD eventually saw the light and refused to see him , I hope your DD finds the strength to do the same.
This was a few years ago and DD now sees her father on her own terms. She has really come into her own and I inwardly laugh when he tries his controlling behaviour on her - she verbally rips his head off.

I wish your DD a steady recovery and that you can both lead a more settled life X

RandomMess · 24/05/2017 19:06

Well that is great news!!!

Wine or Gin to celebrate this evening?

erinaceus · 25/05/2017 04:31

I'm not a bad mother for not going.

I agree.

Do you know of F.E.A.S.T.?

They have a message board here.

This is an organisation aimed specifically at supporting the families of people living with eating disorders. You will find copious empathy with the problems you are encountering, including in non-nuclear family set ups. The burden on families of people who have an ED is known to be high.

Your ex's comments to your DD ("Crying and begging her not to die, saying everytime he looks at her he sees her in a coffin") do not sound supportive in the least.

In my opinion, a treatment team who are all on the same page is helpful in recovery and I am a bit Shock that the psychiatrist and CBT therapist were not involving your exH in treatment but the family therapist was. That does not sound like a helpful approach to me. If you feel moved to make a fuss about it I would raise it with your DD's consultant, but you may just wish to move forward with your DD's recovery for now. Sending Flowers to you and also to your DD. I had a diagnosis of AN in the past. I made a complete recovery. It is possible! Hard work, but it can be done.