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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit weird about this

100 replies

nothingisthesameanymore · 23/05/2017 10:26

Name changed for this.

Bit of background, I'm a single parent to 2 dcs, going though a horribly messy divorce with court date looming. We have both moved on and I have a lovely new partner who I have been with for a year now, he has 1 dc, kids all get on and love each other.

DP works full time as does his ex and he has just sent me a list of dates for the summer holidays asking what i can do to help out with regards to having his dc. It's a lot of days (some full weeks). I would love to help out here and there but I don't have much money and what money I do have still comes from my joint account (with ex).

I feel a bit weird about all this, I would basically be saving them from using a childminder, which is what they would have done before i was one the scene. Would I be unreasonable to say yes I can help but I need some money? Is that all wrong considering one day his dc might be my step child? I'm so new to this and have got so used to being on my own with my dcs I just don't know what the protocol with this is.

Also AIBU to want some days when it is just me and my DCs?

Has anyone got any advice or experience to share?

AIBU to even get worked up over this? I feel a bit like I'm being treated like a childminder but maybe IABU Blush

OP posts:
Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 23/05/2017 10:28

Do you live together?

Original poster
nothingisthesameanymore · 23/05/2017 10:30

No we don't. Of course if we lived together I wouldn't think twice about it.

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 23/05/2017 10:31

If you don't live together and don't share household tasks and childcare, this is a pretty cheeky request tbh. Especially if the wording was really 'what days can you do?' Rather than 'could you do me a really huge favour?'

Does he ever look after your kids? Do the children get on well together?

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 23/05/2017 10:32

There's your answer then. .
Sorry bf but you need to concentrate on getting the divorce out of the way and spending time with your own dc while they are still readjusting.
Personally think he is a bit cheeky to even suggest you become free childcare!!

TheGoodEnoughWife · 23/05/2017 10:32

I think it is a bit of a cheek really.

I would be very careful as it seems they both have thoughts that you can do the childcare. Makes their lives much easier and cheaper but not much in it for you!

Maybe point out when they are going to have YOUR children and when there is surprise that they would point out how it is not okay for you to be their childcare.

And really as well as the children get on now that could change in the long summer holidays if they are together for longer. The odd day is one thing but all day, week long childcare is very different!

Original poster
nothingisthesameanymore · 23/05/2017 10:33

It was requested in a nice way and it was after we'd discussed that maybe I could help out here and there but the long list of dates and some full weeks and half weeks has thrown me. The dcs all love each and get on so well so I know they wouldn't have an issue.

OP posts:
XxStefxX · 23/05/2017 10:34

I think that's totally cheeky of him and his ex wife.

OutToGetYou · 23/05/2017 10:35

My now-ex did this to me, just expected me to be there for his kid. The mother did too. As I work f/t and don't have my own kids it was even worse.

It was a big part of the reason he is now an ex.

In your shoes I would say "I've got a few days out planned [give dates if you can], your dc can come along, obviously you'll need to pay any costs. Other than that as we're just going to be at home I think it's better that you make your own arrangements".

You can't ask him for money and feeling like an unpaid child minder is not going to be a good start to your relationship.

XxStefxX · 23/05/2017 10:35

Also, if you say yes now then you'll be the "free child-minder" every half term and holiday from now on !

KC225 · 23/05/2017 10:35

Yes cheeky. Does his EX know he has sent you this list?

Original poster
nothingisthesameanymore · 23/05/2017 10:35

He hasn't looked after my dcs but had offered to if I need it. I think that's hit the nail on the head, I don't work and I'd be saving them money...I don't want to be viewed as a childcare option.

OP posts:
Original poster
nothingisthesameanymore · 23/05/2017 10:36

I'm not sure whether his ex does know actually.

OP posts:
gleam · 23/05/2017 10:38

Cheeky. What if you were planning to return to work?

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 23/05/2017 10:38

Maybe he has offered to have them and is relying in you so he looks good to his ex? Text her you can have dc x y and z if she can have yours x y and z dates!! Bet she is stunned!!

Original poster
nothingisthesameanymore · 23/05/2017 10:39

I told him I wasn't sure when my ex was having the dcs so could it wait until that is decided and he is now pressing me as he needs to book the childminder in advance. This is wrong, isn't it?

OP posts:
Kokusai · 23/05/2017 10:41

So you discussed you could help, and they have sent you a long list of dates and said which can you do? Seems reasonable - they are giving you fist pick and will sort out alternative child care for the other times. They are't asking you to do them all!

Pick a couple of the one off days that will be harder for the parents to fill with holiday camps and make sure DP knows you won't be doing any activities as cash is tight you'll just be at home/park.

Kokusai · 23/05/2017 10:43

I told him I wasn't sure when my ex was having the dcs so could it wait until that is decided and he is now pressing me as he needs to book the childminder in advance. This is wrong, isn't it

Then just say in that case you can't commit to any dates cos you don't know from your ex yet, so they will have to book childminder for the whole block.

gleam · 23/05/2017 10:43

Just tell him to go ahead and book the childminder 'to be on the safe side'.

ZaZathecat · 23/05/2017 10:43

Just pick out 3 or 4 days that suit you and leave it at that.

Kokusai · 23/05/2017 10:44

However... if you don't work - who is paying for you e.g. when the two of you go out on dates?

CheeseCrackersAndWine · 23/05/2017 10:44

Definitely sounds a bit cheeky to me. While I think it would be nice for his DC to spend the odd day with you & your kids throughout the holidays I think whole week/regular half weeks etc is a bit much.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 23/05/2017 10:44

OutToGetYou reply good.

You really don't want to start this way being default childcare. And it does put at risk some nice time with just your dc. There is a difference between just chilling out at home with your own children and having an extra, however nice they are.

Kokusai · 23/05/2017 10:45

You're making this into a 'thing' it doesn't need to be. You offered. He sent a list of dates to give you first refusal and will book childminder for any an all you can't do. Now you've got the hump. You are being more U than him in my mind.

ItsNachoCheese · 23/05/2017 10:45

Id tell him to arrange a childminder

bumpertobumper · 23/05/2017 10:47

I agree with kokusai

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