Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit weird about this

100 replies

nothingisthesameanymore · 23/05/2017 10:26

Name changed for this.

Bit of background, I'm a single parent to 2 dcs, going though a horribly messy divorce with court date looming. We have both moved on and I have a lovely new partner who I have been with for a year now, he has 1 dc, kids all get on and love each other.

DP works full time as does his ex and he has just sent me a list of dates for the summer holidays asking what i can do to help out with regards to having his dc. It's a lot of days (some full weeks). I would love to help out here and there but I don't have much money and what money I do have still comes from my joint account (with ex).

I feel a bit weird about all this, I would basically be saving them from using a childminder, which is what they would have done before i was one the scene. Would I be unreasonable to say yes I can help but I need some money? Is that all wrong considering one day his dc might be my step child? I'm so new to this and have got so used to being on my own with my dcs I just don't know what the protocol with this is.

Also AIBU to want some days when it is just me and my DCs?

Has anyone got any advice or experience to share?

AIBU to even get worked up over this? I feel a bit like I'm being treated like a childminder but maybe IABU Blush

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 23/05/2017 11:13

Bloody hell thats cheeky. You're his partner not his staff.

Do not feel under pressure to do them all. In fact if I were you, I don't think I'd do any due to the duress and level of expectation. That needs to be reset.

QueenofallIsee · 23/05/2017 11:14

I think you say No, I also think that when you do, you wil get his measure quite quickly. If he gets shitty then it will speak VOLUMES abut his attitude to shared work and so called 'wife work' which might well suggest he is not a great partner

Hissy · 23/05/2017 11:15

oh... his ex also suggested I might be able to help out to save them the childminders fees

Oh did she now.. so he is placing HIS finances ahead of your time and money?

in cahoots with his Ex too.

Bin the twit, let him get his own childcare sorted

The sooner you do this the better, as Half Term is a week away, he'll ned time to plan.

Where the hell is this DP in supporting you in your messy divorce? Why is he adding to your load?

I would strongly recommend to you that you being single right now will give you the space to focus on your children and getting yourself and them through this awful divorce.

You need to get this joint account thing sorted too - you are in far too precarious a position.

He is NOT a lovely partner. Very far from it.

ImperialBlether · 23/05/2017 11:15

"I can't think of anything I'd like to do less" would be my reply!

TheGoodEnoughWife · 23/05/2017 11:16

I agree. A bright and breezy 'not sure what is happening so best book a childminder' and it will be the reaction that will tell you the most.

Hopefully they have just got a bit carried away and lost sight of what is okay or he will react badly and then you will know.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 23/05/2017 11:25

They are trying to take advantage of you - don't let them!

Send one of BadTaste of Fizzy's responses asap.

Also agree that his reaction to you saying no will be very telling re the relationship in general. I wouldn't want to be with someone who wanted to take advantage like that.

FizzyGreenWater · 23/05/2017 11:27

I think you say No, I also think that when you do, you wil get his measure quite quickly. If he gets shitty then it will speak VOLUMES abut his attitude to shared work and so called 'wife work' which might well suggest he is not a great partner

Yes yes yes.

Rubies12345 · 23/05/2017 11:37

You can't commit to this because you're looking for a job and you could get offered one that starts straight away.

Assburgers · 23/05/2017 11:40

I like Fizzy's reply. Go with that.

Hissy · 23/05/2017 11:55

I can't WAIT to hear what he says when you say 'Sorry, not able to commit to anything, best if you book a childminder to be sure of cover for your children"

Hissy · 23/05/2017 12:00

OP, if you DID do this, you realise that if you were able to get a job offer this summer, what on earth would you be expected to do?

Honour your DP childcare and LOSE the job offer?

Fizzy's response puts it exactly right and raises the bar in terms of how you need to be seen in this new relationship.

Dozer · 23/05/2017 12:05

Say no. The requests were unreasonable. They need to arrange and pay for childcare.

Your DCs and your seeking work are much more important than helping them with their childcare issues and saving them money. Even if your DC get on with his they will, following a difficult time for the family, probably not want the set up your bf is seeking of them spending long days together.

HorridHenryrule · 23/05/2017 12:22

What about you are they thinking about you or about themselves and their pockets. I would tell them that you are looking for a job so anything can happen.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 23/05/2017 12:28

What happens if you cave and say yes?? How will you provide their meals and amusement? Doubt they will be offering you cash to do it - as they are trying obviously to save money!! What if you want to visit relatives /friends? Gatecrashing with his dc wherever you go!!
No is a complete mn sentence remember!!

Blinkyblink · 23/05/2017 12:34

I'd help out where I can but in now way, shape or form would it even cross my mind to ask for money.

FatOldBag · 23/05/2017 12:35

Cheeky bastards - just say no OP.

6079SmithW · 23/05/2017 12:36

I think you need to say 'no' OP.

Asking you to care for his DC to save his childcare costs is no different to him asking if he can eat dinner at your house every night to save his grocery costs IMO, and both are unacceptable.
Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I hope that he has just got carried away with your kind offer to help out here and there rather than anything more calculated. Like PP have said though, his reaction to your refusal will tell you everything you need to know about the relationship. I hope it works out well for you!

FluffyWhiteTowels · 23/05/2017 12:36

Also as you've pointed out you don't know when xH is having your DC. You could end up having his and not yours!

I really think your kindness has backfired ... this has happen d many times to me .... when people then take advantage because I can't imagine you'd have ever thought he'd come through with so many dates and also that your saving him and his ex money .... that's staggeringly cheeky beyond words !

violetcloche · 23/05/2017 12:41

Are you happy to look after his DS? Or is the main issue that, you feel taken advantage of? (You are btw!) Don't look after his son for half term! It's not an emergency - he's taking the piss. He and his ex need to arrange/pay for other childcare options. You have offered to help out in times of emergency. Childcare a week at a time in order for him to save money isn't one of them. I would seriously re evaluate the relationship if he reacts negatively when you tell him that you can't do any childminding for him over the half term let over the summer holidays.

OVienna · 23/05/2017 12:43

First this: 'Sorry, not able to commit to anything, best if you book a childminder to be sure of cover for your children"

Then this:
"I can't commit to this because I'm looking for a job and Icould get offered one that starts straight away."

If the last point really isn't good enough for him then...

twocockers · 23/05/2017 12:47

Am I missing something? Why can't your DP give you money to look after his child??

juliej75 · 23/05/2017 12:49

I would think it depends whether DP expects you to do the bulk of the offered dates or whether he is just giving you loads of flexibility. As others have said, the test will be how he would react if you picked just a couple of days here and there.

Since you all get on so well (which is great, btw, lovely for the kids), maybe he thinks you'll actively enjoy it and hasn't thought about the impact of time with your own DC?

More to the point though, I think if you haven't got dates fixed with your ex and are job-hunting, you'd be best off explaining that you can't commit right now and you'd hate to leave them in the lurch so they'll need childminder to be on the safe side.

I get this with family childcare. They'd love to have my DC in holidays but can't commit to a date early enough, so I book the DC into expensive childcare. Just the way it works though and I certainly don't hold it against DSis, DM etc,

My point is just that it is quite possibly NOTHING to do with it being a divorced dad trying to get cheeky childcare, and could just be him trying to give you options for something he thinks everyone will enjoy - just with a handy side benefit of saving money.

Softkitty2 · 23/05/2017 12:53

Proceed as how you would like to go on. If you begrudgingly agree they will expect it all the time.

It doesnt matter if you work or not or whether you want to sit in your house doing nothing, that is your choice. Don't feel obligated if you don't want to.

expatinscotland · 23/05/2017 13:07

He's already started taking the piss out of you, you had his kids over half term. Bet you he didn't pay you for their meals even? He and his ex see you as free childcare.

Your boyfriend is using you.

STop considering him a 'partner' because he is not. A partner is in a partnership, not using one person to his/her financial advantage.

His ex suggested you do the childcare to save them money and he went with that? What a cheek!

He never has yours.

'I've thought about this, and tbh, I need to focus on job hunting so I can't commit to providing childcare. You and your ex need to find alternative arrangements'.

My guess is he'll react with guilt and pressure, stories about how they 'can't find anyone' to provide childcare for their kids, that you promised, all sorts of manipulative BS.

There's your answer. Bin them both off! They see you as something to use.

expatinscotland · 23/05/2017 13:10

'Am I missing something? Why can't your DP give you money to look after his child??'

Because she's not registered. She's also not insured.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread