To feel a bit weird about this

[nothingisthesameanymore]

Name changed for this.

Bit of background, I'm a single parent to 2 dcs, going though a horribly messy divorce with court date looming. We have both moved on and I have a lovely new partner who I have been with for a year now, he has 1 dc, kids all get on and love each other.

DP works full time as does his ex and he has just sent me a list of dates for the summer holidays asking what i can do to help out with regards to having his dc. It's a lot of days (some full weeks). I would love to help out here and there but I don't have much money and what money I do have still comes from my joint account (with ex).

I feel a bit weird about all this, I would basically be saving them from using a childminder, which is what they would have done before i was one the scene. Would I be unreasonable to say yes I can help but I need some money? Is that all wrong considering one day his dc might be my step child? I'm so new to this and have got so used to being on my own with my dcs I just don't know what the protocol with this is.

Also AIBU to want some days when it is just me and my DCs?

Has anyone got any advice or experience to share?

AIBU to even get worked up over this? I feel a bit like I'm being treated like a childminder but maybe IABU

I just can't believe the cheek of some people!

Even if you were being paid for the childcare it's still a bloody cheeky ask from both of them, especially his ex, saying she'll save on childcare.

Say no now. Then proceed.

As an aside would you be ok childminding this child without I assume any childcare qualifications?

i am going to perhaps go against the grain here and suggest that maybe he does see you as a couple with children ( blended together) and it is not unreasonable , if you do not work , that you might have all the children during the holidays...however and this is a BIG however...you should only be looking after all the children on the days he would normally have his DC.

So what i mean is if he has a custody agreement that he has his DC on x number of days per week and every other weekend for example, then yes during school hols his 'days' would mean him needing childcare during the day on those days and if you two are a couple i would not think badly of him asking you if you can have his dc those days....but i would not be looking after his DC on the days those dc would normally be with their mum, thats her job and her problem to sort out...

think forward...is this a serious relationship ? next summer holidays might you be living together ? would you think it odd that it was presumed that you were at home and looking after the kids on the days they were all at home ?

Are you planning a holiday together with all the children ?
If his ex wife and him are saving childminder fees then i would suggest especially for a whole week he pays for you to take the kids to a holiday park...caravan/butlins maybe ? otherwise i would say do the days that he would be having Dc and you have yours at home ...afterall a couple of days each week might be good, giving your DC someone new to play with etc...but no other days..that is setting a precedent i would avoid.

He doesn't see them as blended. He told her his ex suggested it as a way to save money and he jumped right on that.

I would say no. You have enough on your plate dealing with a messy divorce, arranging custody with your ex and helping your children through an emotional time. He shouldn't expect you to mind his children. Tell him continue as they have in the past and book a childminder.

I would either pick a couple of dates that you want to do or just tell him to book the childminder as you dont know what might change between now and the summer holidays.

You are to nice for them and have you offered your services for this coming term holiday as well. Don't let him mug you off they are not your children or your responsibility. He doesn't even live with you so he didn't waste time in introducing the new woman in his life to his children.

""As an aside would you be ok childminding this child without I assume any childcare qualifications?""

This is getting silly. No-one takes qualifications in being a Mum, or running a house. If you know someone who is a good Mum with the same attitude towards children as you, they don't need qualifications.

Likewise minding children connected to you, is different than being at work.

OP, you offered some days, he's letting you know what's available. You may not be used to needing to have holidays covered and putting it all down in writing, but that's the reality of a working Parent.
Pick your days. Would you rather he told you that his DCs are st the Childminder and you were disappointed because you would have liked to have them?

I agree that his reaction to you not having them, will be telling.

You may not be used to needing to have holidays covered and putting it all down in writing, but that's the reality of a working Parent.

yet these are HIS children.... HE is the working parent, as is his ex.

OP DC holiday dates ARE covered.

I wonder what OP ExH would make of this arrangement? If he is half the twat he sounds, he may decide NOT to allow HIS money to go to looking after some other blokes kids.

Until the divorce and financial settlement is all sorted, OP is in a VERY precarious situation as it is.

OP, bin this chancer, and his ex wife off.

""He doesn't even live with you so he didn't waste time in introducing the new woman in his life to his children.""

And neither did the OP, she's probably newly out of a marriage, than he is. So they're of the same mind set.

There's no need to completely put the OP off him.

Just offer a couple of days as play dates. They're using you for free childcare. Just bear in mind this is the future with this partner.

I would respond back with one or two dates that work for you and just say if that isn't convenient and makes things harder for him or a their mum then you are fine for him to just go ahead and book the childminder for all the dates. And remember this cheeky request so you are not wrong footed again later.

@expatinscotland

Sorry I wasn't very clear. I meant why couldn't he contribute to the expenses of the days out not that he pay her to do it.

YANBU! This is quite cheeky. I hope you come back and tell us their response.

Why do people think you want to look after their children? Why can't they see you'd rather spend the time just with your children?

i'd really love to know what his reaction is. any chance of an update please? no not nosey at all

Another request for an update!

I personally would say you can't commit because of job hunting. Ask him what would happen if you were to be offered a job?

I'm in a similar position but it's with a friend. He has started a new job recently and has made comments about how I'm not working and he hopes he has good friends 😕😕
I've been guilted into having the kids 2 days this week by him. I definitely feel taken advantage of. The annoying thing is that their mother is around. They have 50:50 custody but it's me that seems to be expected to have the kids!

I'm currently job hunting and If I get a job I'll be taking it. No ifs no buts.

The funny thing is, I know when I get a job I'll be paying for childcare...

So you are on a limited budget and he and his ex wife think it;s ok to save themselves money by getting you to look after their children foc whilst making themselves money?

Huge pisstake

I wonder if they were actually just letting you know the dates so that you can have first pick.

My sons' both work shifts so I get a list, similar to this and the. I volunteer the dates that I can manage. I know there is a vast difference between grandchildren and partners children. Iam just mentioning it because I wonder if they were not expecting you to full weeks just giving you options.

That said, I would reply, "I can't commit this far in advance, book Childminder to be on the safe side". Don't use the word "sorry" just be matter of fact and very brief about it.

I imagine you've probably sorted this now but I agree, pick a few but go along the lines many have said and say you'll help out when they are stuck rather than an standard.

How did he take the message, OP

Wow. What a blatant chancer he is

You would be a mug to do that....but it looks like you already have if you are minding them this week

I'd recommend replying with "I think you should book your childminder for all those dates. I think there might have been a misunderstanding - I might be able to have your DCs on one or two days, but cannot possibly tell which days at this stage - it will depend what we feel like doing. I am not an alternative childminder."