Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To feel a bit weird about this

100 replies

nothingisthesameanymore · 23/05/2017 10:26

Name changed for this.

Bit of background, I'm a single parent to 2 dcs, going though a horribly messy divorce with court date looming. We have both moved on and I have a lovely new partner who I have been with for a year now, he has 1 dc, kids all get on and love each other.

DP works full time as does his ex and he has just sent me a list of dates for the summer holidays asking what i can do to help out with regards to having his dc. It's a lot of days (some full weeks). I would love to help out here and there but I don't have much money and what money I do have still comes from my joint account (with ex).

I feel a bit weird about all this, I would basically be saving them from using a childminder, which is what they would have done before i was one the scene. Would I be unreasonable to say yes I can help but I need some money? Is that all wrong considering one day his dc might be my step child? I'm so new to this and have got so used to being on my own with my dcs I just don't know what the protocol with this is.

Also AIBU to want some days when it is just me and my DCs?

Has anyone got any advice or experience to share?

AIBU to even get worked up over this? I feel a bit like I'm being treated like a childminder but maybe IABU

OP posts:

gleam · 23/05/2017 10:48

Kokusai - she didn't offer.

Original poster

nothingisthesameanymore · 23/05/2017 10:51

I'm really trying not to be U over this. I'm already having his DC during half term, have helped them out before and treat his DC no differently to how I treat my own when we are together. It was just the huge list that threw me. I feel like I should say I'll do it all.

I get a small allowance from my ex which allows me to pay my way here and there. I am looking for a job though, which is hard when I don't have any help with childcare.

OP posts:

Violetcharlotte · 23/05/2017 10:51

I can't really see the issue, you discussed it and offered to help, he sent you a list of dates. I would just go back and offer to do a couple of dates or whatever you feel comfortable with or had in mind when you had the conversation with him.

icanteven · 23/05/2017 10:52

He is being incredibly cheeky.

Presumably as a single mother to two children in the middle of a divorce (unless you are looking at substantial support payments from your ex), you are working on getting a job pronto, so with any luck you will ALSO be working full time within the next few weeks.

It doesn't make a lot of sense for him to be pinning his childcare hopes and dreams on you if you could turn around 5 weeks from now and say "Great news! I was offered the job and I start on Monday!".

Just tell him that he shouldn't rely on you, and to book his childminder.

splendide · 23/05/2017 10:54

What outcome do you want in an ideal world? Not to do it or to be paid for it?

icanteven · 23/05/2017 10:55

I am looking for a job though, which is hard when I don't have any help with childcare.

There you have it then - you can't become his stopgap when you honestly don't know what date you will cease to be available for this sort of thing. Your future job has to take 100% priority over caring for your boyfriend's children with somebody else.

BadTasteFlump · 23/05/2017 10:56

YANBU. You offered to help out 'here and there'. IMO that doesn't mean being their free childminder for the school holidays from now on.

Even if you can do it, if you do it you are setting yourself up for this being the default expectation. So you need to nip it in the bud now. Just say 'As I said, I am happy to help out now and again when I can if you're stuck, but I don't think it would be good for our relationship for me to be your unofficial childminder - surely you must think that would be a bit weird?!'

Hopefully he will feel quite embarrassed when he reads that and will be falling over himself to make it up to you. If not then maybe you need a rethink about the relationship in general?

Original poster

nothingisthesameanymore · 23/05/2017 10:56

Like I said I am happy to help out with days here and there but I feel like I'm expected to do it now. He has just told me that his ex also suggested I might be able to help out to save them the childminders fees.

OP posts:

Original poster

nothingisthesameanymore · 23/05/2017 10:57

Thanks BadTasteFlump. I think I may just copy and paste that.

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 23/05/2017 10:58

Wow, no!

Nip this in the bud right now. And no, he certainly doesn't sound 'lovely' from this post - he sounds entitled and pushy.

A year is really not that long at all remember. In fact, a year tends to be about crunch time I think... where you are really settled in and you start getting to know the 'warts and all' bits... :)

If I were you I would a. push back hard right now and let your DP know in no uncertain terms that 'new partner' does not mean 'new free childcare' and b. be deeply unimpressed with this behaviour and note it.

The point that if you lived together you would be expected to treat your DP's child as a child of the family and help out is entirely beside the point. You DON'T live with him and it's actually not a very long term relationship yet and you have no plans to do so.

The pressing you is really not on, I'd remember that if I were you.

Solution: treat it exactly as you would if it were a friend asking, be breezy and say oh I'd book the childminder to be on the safe side as you won't have firmed things up with your ex for a while. And perhaps query that he seems to have put entire weeks on the list, hmm, does he mean that you could maybe choose a day within that week for you to have his dc for the afternoon, maybe? Because certainly he can't mean that you might block out an entire week of holiday activities or visiting family etc. with your own children in order to sign up as unpaid full time childminder for his, can he??

Justmuddlingalong · 23/05/2017 10:58

If he's now pressuring you to give him dates, tell him you can't give them. So he and his ex should just go ahead and book the childminder. Don't let him panic you into agreeing. Your reaction will set the precedent for the future. So don't be forced into agreeing to something that then becomes the norm. I think he has a brass neck, personally.

gleam · 23/05/2017 10:58

Actually, I think he manipulated the op into a discussion about childcare and then made what seemed like a reasonable request at the time.
He's now trying to steamroller the op into a massive childcare commitment.

It makes you wonder whether some single fathers actively target women for childcare. Note, some.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 23/05/2017 10:59

I don't think you should. You'll potentially, be making a rod for your own back. If he's sent you a full list, then she must be in on it.
Tell him, at present, your children need to have your fullest attention, when the divorce is complete, you'll consider it. However, you hopefully, will find the job you are seeking. Be careful OP, sometimes, the more you do, the more people expect !

HildaOg · 23/05/2017 11:02

Start as you mean to go on. You need to define your boundaries now. Don't allow him and his ex to use you as free childcare. Tell him they need to sort out their own childcare, you're not a skivvy.

You should think very deeply before considering going forward with a relationship with this man. He has no concern for your personal and financial situation, he is trying to take advantage of you and that implies a huge lack of respect.

eddielizzard · 23/05/2017 11:02

i would absolutely say no. emergency help once in a while, absolutely fine. dates agreed months in advance to help them save on childcare costs? absolutely no way.

i also like badtasteflump's response, and you can also point out that you're looking for a job so you absolutely can't agree to help out as your commitments might change. but that's beside the point really - it's a massive imposition and very cheeky.

FizzyGreenWater · 23/05/2017 11:03

'Hi DP, sorry I think there have definitely been some crossed wires here. I'm happy to help out when you are stuck and to arrange some days when the children can get together but I'm certainly not going to be available to act as full time childminder for days or a week at a time. I'm surprised you are comfortable with such a big ask when you know I don't have spare cash myself and am job hunting. Better to just book the childminder I think as usual, I certainly don't want to be in the position of having to let you down if my own plans change.'

user1491572121 · 23/05/2017 11:04

Yes, Badflump has it down OP. You didn't mind the odd day but you're not going to commit to all that!

Hissy · 23/05/2017 11:07

I'd seriously consider binning anyone who did this to me. Im a lone parent with no help, no family and no money, I would never dump my responsibility on anyone.

I pay through the nose for holiday care. If your DP and his EX both work they can pay for the care they need. Heck, they might even get tax credits to help pay for it.

This is a MASSIVE piss take OP!!

you don't live together, this is FAR too much of a cheek to be asked to pitch in.

You need to go back to him and say what sugarpie said

Your children need to be your prime concern and actually, you can't do Half Term either

You will be a MUG to do this.

Laiste · 23/05/2017 11:07

I'm a single parent to 2 dcs, going though a horribly messy divorce

I don't have much money and what money I do have still comes from my joint account (with ex)

I get a small allowance from my ex which allows me to pay my way here and there

Have read thread - these things jump out at me OP. I know it's not the thrust of the thread but i wanted to ask if you have your own separate account and is your XP is paying proper maintenance into it?

NavyandWhite · 23/05/2017 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BadTasteFlump · 23/05/2017 11:07

You're welcome nothing

Fliptophead · 23/05/2017 11:07

I do wonder how many times in this situation a man just gets a new partner to do all the work the previous one was doing even though they aren't the "new" woman's children. I would just give a three or four dates I was happy to do and see what he says. If he's very grateful and leaves it fine, if he's huffy I'd tell him to fuck off as you know what you're getting yourself in to long run.

Hissy · 23/05/2017 11:08

You think your DP would take time off to help you with YOUR childcare to help you find a job? would his EX?

FizzyGreenWater · 23/05/2017 11:10

OP - do take note of this. It's not something a 'lovely' partner would ask.

First strike, yes?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/05/2017 11:11

He has just told me that his ex also suggested I might be able to help out to save them the childminders fees.
How jolly handy for both of them!

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.