Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really annoyed (putting it politely) with SIL

92 replies

fullhouse · 16/03/2007 14:44

aaaarrrgggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

DH and I have an on going issue with my in-laws about them feeding our dd at times other then meal times and snack times or too close to a meal. Several times when we pop in to see them they will (sometimes without my dd even asking for anything) offer her snacks and dh & I have to politely say no.

Well, (i can feel myself getting angry again now) my SIL is a very controlling figure in the family (my dh has refered to her as Pauline Fowler!). I live very close to my in-laws and so I can see when she is there. She gets very uppity if I do not pop in to see her and her kids when i am coming or going from my own house. So, when I got home on Thursday i saw her car and felt that ok i'll pop in for 5 mins as it was my dd's dinner time. Everything was fine until i had to leave. I said it several times to my dd that it was time to go as it was dinner time. However my dd (who is 2 btw) saw her cousins having their dinner in the kitchen and asked to have a bit. I was standing at the front door and saw my sil start to give dd some. I said no several times and even raised my voice. SIL ignored me and gave dd the food.

Now i just grabbed dd and started to walk out the door when sil shouted from behind "it's not fair for her not to have any if she sees them having some".
I replied - "yes well its the habit we don't want her to get"

sil's kids had to be followed around to be fed when they were younger and her boy of 3 1/2 still has to be fed and will not stay at the table to eat.

I was furious because a) she totally ignored me and against my principles as a mother and b) she is giving my dd mixed messages about eating. dh & i always agreed that our dd should sit at a table to eat dinners and sit in one place for snacks. Not be fed on the move and at any time.

aaaarrrgggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now she wants us to come to hers for Mothers Day!!!!! If we say no she'll go arsey!

OP posts:
HandbagAddiction · 16/03/2007 14:54

HMmmm my initial reaction to this is that I think you might be slightly over-reacting. Fair enough, you're angry that your SIL blatently ignored you when you asked her not to give your dd some food, however what I'm failing to see the issue of, is why you feel it is so bad to have the odd occasional snack or meal at odd times or on the move.

I really don't think that doing something different will impact your dd or give her mixed messages as otherwise, how on earht do you cope when you go for days out when mealtimes aren;t regular or when there is no table to sit at. Equally, how will you cope with parties - where essentially all the food is snack food or when you go to a restaurant to eat? For the odd time that this appears to be happening, I really don't see what the issue is - sorry!

raspberryberet · 16/03/2007 14:58

Actually, I think you're being a bit unreasonable. She's trying to be nice to your daughter - maybe not in a way that you would chose, but trying to be nice nonetheless.

I agree with Handbag - doing something different occasionally won't cause a problem. And it doesn't really give mixed messages; your dd will be quite able to distinguish between your "rules" and your SILs.

Sounds as if there are underlying issues going on which are making this seem a bigger thing than it really needs to be.

kslatts · 16/03/2007 15:26

I think you are being unreasonable, it seems to be a nice gesture to offer some food to your dd, better than your dd having to watch her cousin's eating and not being offered any.

Why is it so wrong for her to have the occasional snack or meal at a different time/place.

littlemissbossy · 16/03/2007 15:27

I think you need to chill out
sorry, I'm all for good manners and eating the table but seriously - chill out

kittywaitsfornumber6 · 16/03/2007 15:29

I can see why you are angry. It is not about mixed messages, your rules, her rules etc, etc. It is about her complete lack of respect for your wishes. She should comply with your wishes regarding your daughter, whether she agrees with them or not . What she did was rude, disrespectful and controlling. I would have trouble being around a woman like her as much as you have to be. If she lived a lot further away I think it woulthink?

kittywaitsfornumber6 · 16/03/2007 15:31

Sorry , the last sentence got lost. I meant to say that it would be easier of you only saw her occasionally, What does you dh/dp think about it?

PinkTulips · 16/03/2007 15:32

children should be fed when they're hungry... not when you think they should be hungry.

you're being very unreasonable and i think your daughter is getting very bad messages about food from you

lissielou · 16/03/2007 15:37

tbh, i agree with the others. while she should have respected your wishes, children dont always want 3 square meals, rather 5 little ones and provided they eat it, wheres the harm

hunkermunker · 16/03/2007 15:39

You are massively overreacting and were rude to your SIL, IMO.

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 16/03/2007 15:46

this sounds like the way I would react if someone fed my guide dog after I'd asked them not to, not how I would react if someone gave my child food.

so your sil gave your dd a bit of whatever her cousins were having for dinner, and the problem with this is ... what exactly.

get a grip.

beckybrastraps · 16/03/2007 15:49

she'll go arsey?!

Carmenere · 16/03/2007 15:53

Well there is the good manners of eating at the table together as a family and then there is the good manners of accepting a kind offer graciously.......
Offering a hungry child food is not an act of malicious undermining. And so bloody what if her kids don't stay at the table to eat, perhaps they are happy and being brought up in a loving, relaxed atmosphere.

danceswithaSPRINGinherstep · 16/03/2007 15:57

Your SIL shouldn't have given them food if you said no. No matter what the situation, it's your decision. I wouldn't dream of giving food to a child if their parent had just specifically asked me not too. I'm surprised by all the disagreeing posters here.

and carmenere....oooh....

Miaou · 16/03/2007 16:14

No sorry fullhouse, I think you overreacted. But perhaps my POV is coloured by the fact that where I live you always offer food to visitors, whatever the time, and particularly to children. To turn it down without a very good reason will come across as churlish and rude. Because of that, if I really don't want my kids to be offered food, then I wouldn't take them round near a mealtime - it's inviting conflict (where there doesn't need to be any) - or I'd go round just after a meal, therefore reducing the risk of being offered food.

I also think that the eating habits of your SIL's kids are irrelevant here. Dh and I also think that meals should be taken at the table, and that children should sit in one place to eat a snack - totally with you on that one. But that's a totally different issue IMO to being offered food when you visit - that's a courtesy issue.

fruitful · 16/03/2007 16:17

Um. If I'd popped in to see someone who lived over the road from my house, just before I was going to go home and feed my kids their tea, I would not want my kids to have a few nibbles of dinner at that house. Because then we'd go home and it would take me 15 minutes to get tea on the table and a snack 15 minutes before tea is guaranteed to mean they don't eat anything. Yet the snack would be less than the meal IYSWIM.

So I would also have been saying "no, please don't give her a bit of food, I want her to eat her tea". And if the adult responded by giving her food anyway, I'd have felt disrespected. Like I wasn't capable of making my own decisions and the other adult thought she knew better.

My response would be to only go to that person's house at a time when I was happy for my children to have snacks!

Miaou · 16/03/2007 16:19

Ah - dances - I meant to add that - yes your SIL should not have overridden your instructions, that was a bit unfair of her, and I can totally understand why you were annoyed about that. But I was responding more to the context in which you put your post - re the not eating - and trying to explain why I felt the OP was being OTT about that.

I get the impression that this incident follows a litany of petty annoyances, which explains your overreaction, fullhouse (as is so often the case - the old straw that breaks the camel's back!)

fourboys · 16/03/2007 16:24

mountain out of a mole hill springs to mind....

beckybrastraps · 16/03/2007 16:25

Ah now Miaou - I think that's it for me too. Dh always laughs at me because I'm always offering food and drink to guests. His parents have set meal times, and you get nothing outside of those times. Even if you arrive after a 5-hour drive,if it's not tea time, you don't get a cup of tea , whereas in my family, guests are fed and watered in a manner that would shame Mrs Doyle ('Ah, go on now...').

snowleopard · 16/03/2007 16:28

Tbh I hate it when people offer my DS food when he's about to have his tea. His mealtimes are a routine for him and if he eats well then, a good routine naturally follows, eg napping or going to bed easily. If he's just been given a snack it messes it all up. Furthermore snacks are often sugary treats that will fill him up, whereas his tea will be proper healthy food. So I think other parents should respect your wishes - and for this reason if my DS is having a snack and there are other children around, I discreetly ask the parents first if it's OK, before offering to share it.

However I do also think this probably drove you mad because she drives you mad anyway. You need to develop some calm and witty one-liners to throw at her so you feel less wound up...

kittywaitsfornumber6 · 16/03/2007 17:38

I don't understand some of the attitudes to the op.
Surely it's not about the food it's about the fact that the sil CARRIED ON despite being told no. I assume that all you who think she is ott would be quite happy for someone to blatently igne your express wishes about something to do with your children right infront of your faces?

Original poster
fullhouse · 16/03/2007 22:12

ok, i need to clarify a few points.

  1. I am totally fine with dd having snacks etc on the odd occassions eg parties and visits to peoples houses.Of course you have to be. The fact is we live NEXT DOOR to the in-laws and therefore we don't just see them on the odd occasion, sometimes it can be every day a week.
  2. Like kittywaitsfor put it, my biggest problem is that she showed complete disrespect for me regardless of whether she agrees or not. DH feels the same as i do.
  3. Miaou - I totally agree with regards to being polite when visiting someones home and also with offering food and drink. But like i said, we live next door and therefore it's basically our second home. fruitful - thank you, glad to see someone else sees where i am coming from. Can i also point out that dd's dinner was already in the oven and therefore only needed serving up as soon as we got in the house. I had put it on and popped out for only half an hour. So i knew it was ready for when we got back. Therefore my dd was not going to starve waiting for her proper meal.
OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 16/03/2007 22:20

Blimey

someone more controlling about food than me

I think you sound a bit shrieky mad, tbh. I am presuming that you want honest opinions or you would not have posted in AIBU.

Greensleeves · 16/03/2007 22:23

Yes, YABU

NotanOtter · 16/03/2007 22:23

aww fullhouse
i think its fine fpr you to be pissed off x

Original poster
fullhouse · 16/03/2007 22:23

Absolutely! be as honest as you like!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread