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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Really annoyed (putting it politely) with SIL

92 replies

fullhouse · 16/03/2007 14:44

aaaarrrgggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

DH and I have an on going issue with my in-laws about them feeding our dd at times other then meal times and snack times or too close to a meal. Several times when we pop in to see them they will (sometimes without my dd even asking for anything) offer her snacks and dh & I have to politely say no.

Well, (i can feel myself getting angry again now) my SIL is a very controlling figure in the family (my dh has refered to her as Pauline Fowler!). I live very close to my in-laws and so I can see when she is there. She gets very uppity if I do not pop in to see her and her kids when i am coming or going from my own house. So, when I got home on Thursday i saw her car and felt that ok i'll pop in for 5 mins as it was my dd's dinner time. Everything was fine until i had to leave. I said it several times to my dd that it was time to go as it was dinner time. However my dd (who is 2 btw) saw her cousins having their dinner in the kitchen and asked to have a bit. I was standing at the front door and saw my sil start to give dd some. I said no several times and even raised my voice. SIL ignored me and gave dd the food.

Now i just grabbed dd and started to walk out the door when sil shouted from behind "it's not fair for her not to have any if she sees them having some".
I replied - "yes well its the habit we don't want her to get"

sil's kids had to be followed around to be fed when they were younger and her boy of 3 1/2 still has to be fed and will not stay at the table to eat.

I was furious because a) she totally ignored me and against my principles as a mother and b) she is giving my dd mixed messages about eating. dh & i always agreed that our dd should sit at a table to eat dinners and sit in one place for snacks. Not be fed on the move and at any time.

aaaarrrgggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now she wants us to come to hers for Mothers Day!!!!! If we say no she'll go arsey!

OP posts:

octopussyintummy · 16/03/2007 23:17

sorry! Don't apologise then and be brave enough to not give in and go round - find other things to do when you feel the urge!

powder28 · 16/03/2007 23:23

I can totally see how this woman operates. She sounds very manipulative and controlling, and becasue she uses the kids in this way it makes it very difficult for you to protest without seeming petty.
I would make out that you are very busy and unable to pop round as often as you have been.
As for mothers day, its difficult, but id say just be pleasant and dont let her get to you, its just one day you have to endure.

chipmonkey · 16/03/2007 23:25

I would definitely not be able to live next door to my in-laws. MIL would have all the ds's hopping off the walls with coke, crisps and biscuits. Tbh when I first read your OP fullhouse I did think you were totally overreacting but the fact that you live next door and your wishes regarding your dd are constantly being ignored casts a different light on it. I do feel, however that if you adopt a too-rigid attitude to food that your dd could develop a complex about it, I feel it's better to let them eat enough of the right foods if they're hungry.

kittywaitsfornumber6 · 17/03/2007 07:42

Cor, glad there have been some posters who have seen sense!!

lizziemun · 17/03/2007 08:13

fullhouse,

I agree with you we had to adopt very strict eating times because dd at 2 didn't eat well so snack's between meals were banned, because if she had snacked then she wouldn't eat her dinner but our families knew this and understood our wishes and so they followed our rules now at 3 dd eat's much better and has the occasional snack.

If it were me i would cut visits to certain days of the week, for example 3 days a week i know this will be hard as you live next door, and if sil visits on one the days you are not visiting then tough she have to grow up and understand that the world does not revolve around her.

If your dd dinner in the oven then don't go, wait untill dd has eaten then go.

If you don't go to sil on motherday and she gets arsey at least you can see when she visit your Il's, so don't go untill she gone or go anotherday as you live so close.

By the way well done, to you and your dh for trying to sort out your eating and food issues.

WinkyWinkola · 17/03/2007 09:35

Surely it's the fact that mum said, "No." and SIL still went ahead and ignored what the mum said. Isn't that the point being missed here by some of the AMAZINGLY hostile posts on this thread? The food is just an example of SIL blatantly disregarding the OP's wishes.

I think anyone would get annoyed about someone disregarding your preferences for your children whatever your views on the food issue. Sounds like a battle of wills between the two of them.

Fullhouse, I'd think more tactically if I were you. Only visit after DD has eaten and more to the point, go round when you're ready not because your SIL gets annoyed if you don't. Blimey! I've never heard of such a thing.

ENTP · 17/03/2007 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

helenhismadwife · 17/03/2007 11:25

its really frustrating when someone goes against your wishes as a parent, even if they dont agree with them they should do as you ask, to me to go ahead regardless shows a complete lack of respect.

To avoid this sort of thing I would completely avoid going there if it was near my childs mealtime or if they were likely to be eating to avoid this type of confrontation, let her come to you why should you go there?

I am happy for my children to have snacks but they do eat their meals well, and we have a good established routine and this is important to insure that they get a proper meal a snack is just that, a little extra. I certainly wouldnt give them or any other child something so close to a meal time and if another child was there I would have the manners to ask the parent if it was ok and not just offer it to a child

ssd · 17/03/2007 11:42

fullhouse I think there's a danger you might pass on your weight worries to your child unwittingly by making mealtimes such an issue

vicky55 · 17/03/2007 11:58

Fullhouse i dont think your overreacting i have the same prob with my MIL and SIL even if we pop in there close to my dd bedtime she wants to give her a choc bar and crisps, i think she does it just to annoy me and cause problems with me and dh.

PinkTulips · 17/03/2007 12:14

have to agree with the posters who said that controlling food to such a degree is more likely to cause weight issues than just providing healthy snacks whenever she's hungry

Spandex · 17/03/2007 14:24

Not eating between meals is a pretty standard parenting rule and it makes me laugh to think that it's going to cause such huge eating issues in children. I've never heard such cobblers!

greenday · 17/03/2007 14:39

Do you think it's possible she sees you as controlling? Also, I think because she has older children and from what I gather (not sure if I read your OP correctly), you have your one DD. Could she therefore perceive herself as more excperienced than you and as such, judging you to be a bit too controlling towards your DD and perhaps to have that PFB attitude, which probably intensifies her disregard towards you??

Also, my take on this is that you tried to tell your SIL through your DD - ie, telling your DD 'no' to having her cousin's food therefore indirectly telling your SIL not to feed her. If so, she may have deliberately ignored your wishes as they were not directed at her. Perhaps it may be more effective to tell your SIL that you'd appreciate it if she didn't give your DD any food??

greenday · 17/03/2007 14:41

I too agree that controlling food develops an unhealthy relationship with food in later life.
I definitely felt that way all through my life. It was only when I saw food as my 'friend' and not enemy or something bad that released a certain kind of 'food bondage'.

Original poster

fullhouse · 17/03/2007 14:47

Thank you to all who support. Maybe my first post wasn't as clear so i apologise.
To those who feel i did over react - thank you for your comments.
One thing that i feel i will take from this is that i will not go round so close to a meal time.
Can i just clarify again to a few of you - I do let dd sanck between meals BUT not in the half hour - 45 mins leading up to dinner.
I do realize that i need to be careful not to pass on any of my own anxieties about over eating to my dd.
Thank you soooooo much to those who saw it from my point.

OP posts:

quadrophenia · 17/03/2007 14:48

well Fullhouse I'm not sure what the fuss is about. You had your childs dinner prepared I can totally see why you didn't want her eating. You went to see your SIl as if you didn't you'd have been in trouble. It sounds to me like this is a highyl manipulative situation, i don't think you are barking i think you have had enough of the interfering and am glad you are moving, although i would suggest you move further away

FrannyandZooey · 17/03/2007 14:48

Very gracious post fullhouse

nogoes · 17/03/2007 15:38

I do agree with you and I have had very similar issues with my il's. My sil lets her children eat sweets and chocolate whenever they want and her children rarely eat a meal because they are so full from junk.

I was getting myself really worked up about it and it was getting to the point where I was concerned that we were going to have a major fall out over it. I have kind of backed down, I now accept that when ds sees them (once a week) that he will eat too much chocolate etc and will probably not eat a proper meal on that day. It is not ideal but sometimes it is easier to go with the flow as I don't want to end up falling out with them and I know that they won't change.

tinkerbellhadpiles · 17/03/2007 15:42

Does your SIL have a broomstick -she sounds like a witch!

SofiaAmes · 18/03/2007 08:00

fullhouse, I am with you 100%. I had a similar problem with my aunt whom I absolutely adore, but who constantly follows her grandchildren (and my kids) around with food trying to feed them while they are walking around. Some years ago, I took her aside and spoke to her respectfully and firmly and just said that it was really important to me that my children only ate at mealtime and while sitting at the table. She was very understanding, but even now, years later I still have to remind her gently not to feed my kids in between meals. She doesn't do it to defy me, but just can't break the habit.
I do give my children snacks, but they are a "formal" snack that is at a set (though not totally rigid) time and it is something they are required to sit down for.
I think that you are absolutely right in your instincts that habits learned as a child can make a huge difference in adult eating habits. And that it is important not to get into the habit of snacking all the time whenever you feel like it. I don't think you will give your children a complex about food by giving them good eating habits. It's just like anything else, you give them boundaries and then when they are adults they can adapt those boundaries to suit themselves.
My mother also felt strongly about eating habits and sitting at a table and not constantly grazing and we are all thin and eat healthy nutritious food and don't binge or diet.
Another thing I feel strongly about...I don't know if you do this already....I always require the children to finish what is on their plate, but also always let them serve themselves (when they were too young to serve themselves, I would ask for their guidance on how much they wanted). Of course I oversee and guide how much they serve themselves and try to let them know if I think they are giving themselves more than they will be able to eat, and always expect them to have some of everything at the table. By the way, we always eat our meals together as a family....
And don't forget that children go through phases of eating lots and eating less. Some weeks my ds (6) eats more than I do...absolutely sure he has holes in the bottom of his feet as he is skinny as a rail.
Anyway, good luck. And as someone else suggested, maybe it would be a good idea not to visit sil just before mealtime.

noonar · 18/03/2007 08:20

fullhouse, if they always feed her against your wishes, why go round just beofore tea?

am not surprised things get a bit tense, living next door to the inlaws, btw.

sounds like there's alot of 'history' here, which could explain your angry reaction(havent read whole thread).

katelyle · 18/03/2007 08:27

My brother and sil and family have their family meal together at 8.30 - just at the time when I am getting my two to bed(!) So my neice and nephew always have a substantial snack when they get home from school, where mine have a bit of fruit or something because they have their tea at 5.30 - 6.00 so they don't have long to wait. However, when they go back to their cousins after school (at least once a week) they share in the snack, which always used to be what I considered incredibly unhealthy - bought cakes and biscuits and often chocolate. It used to wind me up so much that it was afecting my relationship with my b and sil. So in the end, I said to sil that dd was getting headaches -she's prone to them btw-and could my two possibly have a peanut butter sandwich or something before the treat-y things. And blow me down, they all started demanding sandwiches! So now,dd and I make a cake on Sunday and they take it round on Monday. So if they've had a couple of sandwiches, some fruit and a peice of cake that I know what's gone into, if they don't what any tea I'm not bothered. Less cooking -hurrray!

Original poster

fullhouse · 18/03/2007 15:41

So, an update on how manipulative sil is......
Yesterday, as dh,dd and I are leaving to go out , we bump into sil and kids as they too are leaving from the mil. I try and keep my distant and was polite etc. SIL asks my dh if we are coming to her's for Mothers day then. Dh says no. She asks why and he says because we want to do something on our own as a family (something she doesn't understand as family includes every Aunt and Uncle etc in sight!) She says "ok suit yourself". Now i thought this was end of. NO.

Mil phoned last night and asked if we were going. I said no, we've already told sil. She asks why and again i said we had plans and were taking dd to a play area. She goes very quiet. Dh takes the phone and again says no we don't want to go. Mil then says that sil was concerned that we we're trying to avoid her. Had she done something to offend us. I told dh to say no. (didn't want mil involved. It is obvious that sil has had a word in mil ear and getting her on board to get us there!
MIL then went on to say that she would like us to come as it would be nice. She then laid the guilt trip that this would be the last chance for her to see dd before she goes on her long holiday. - this is rubbish cos she goes on the 27th and still has a weekend left and sees her whenever she wants because we live nextdoor!!. You could however hear in her vioce that she was getting upset. Dh still said no and left it at that.
Dh and I had a discussion and I said that we should now go cos it would only cause more tension (Even though I really really really didn't want to!) So dh phones his mum back up and said ok we'll go. He asks her what time she was going - she said 5pm!!!! Well she knows that we would have to leave at 6ish to get dd to bed. So that gives her 1 hour with her!!!!
Dh pointed this out and she said she'll try and get there for 4pm
Does anyone else how frustrating this is???? We are leaving in 10 mins - wish me luck!

OP posts:

tegan · 18/03/2007 15:59

I have always had problems with in laws but it has got worse as dd1 gets older.
Last xmas mil wanted to buy dd a mobile phone (she is 8 - 9 next month) dh and I said no, huge arguements etc. Then sil asks if she can buy her one for her birthday again we have said no but dh thinks sil has already bought it so I told her straight that if she give dd a phone I will be giving it straight back to her. A very unhappy camp at mil's.

noonar · 18/03/2007 16:34

geez, fullhouse. who moved in to their house first? you or them? i just cant imagine it could work, living next door, tbh.

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