Hiya all,
Wow reading this thread, it is a real mixed reaction.
My slant on it...if I may...
I have a set of twins, and like mentioned here, I have rules about eating at the table and not around the house...I think it is only good manners..as I child I would have to say grace and ask to get down from the table...admittely with my children, we do not insist on the grace stuff, but the children to ask to leave the table and also will wait at the table if someone is still eating by themselves...
However, that being said if we are visiting someone and their rules are different, I simply go with the status quo, my children understand the rules in their house, and can differentiate between our house rules and someone elses...if that makes sense.
If a child comes to visit us and takes food/drinks out of the kitchen, my two are the first to remove the items and tell the child that you must not take food and drink out of the kitchen...
If I visit someone, and my children are due for food and as it turns out food is being served and my children want to participate, I simply let them....as a kid, anyone elses food was always better than your own...
IMHO, it appears the frustration seems to be out of the total disreguard for your wishes by your SIL. However, she probably didn't see it as a major issue...but it was a rude thing to do...she probably just saw it as you being over baring and not giving the child a chance to be naughty or involved...
It is difficult when you have a set of values that you are trying to adhere to and have issues when someone has a different set of values..we come across this all the time...
Your child eating, doesn't mean they get mixed messages, and they will already have instilled into them what your values are, but I do agree in life, there has to be some give and take from you. A little flexibility and to not take it as a personal slant when your daughter defies you...she is simply being a child, and it is much more fun doing something you are not normally allowed to do...
My children are now both 3.5 and have really good manners in our house and while we are eating out, but I do not worry if they go somewhere and the house rules are different, I think is gives them a chance to relax and have fun..
You child will come across all sorts of values and rules around eating as they grow up, etiques for school and eating out etc, etc, some of which you have no control over...so flexibility now, may save you some heart ache in the future...
Nik
xx