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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ive accidentally ended up in a snobby clique

102 replies

user1495366815 · 22/05/2017 20:41

My son has just started at a new school. The moment I arrived I was welcomed by the school mums, immediately added to their Facebook group and invited to all their get togethers. I've been having great fun. There's a group of 6 of us and we are all professionals.

I never thought anything of it until I bumped into my neighbour while early to pick my son up.

She has been trying to make friends in the local area for years and told me she has never once been invited to any of this groups meet ups and when she tried to talk to them they only talk briefly.

She says they only make friends with people withprofessional jobs and who they consider of their standard.

I didn't actually believe this so when I saw the group again I said I was going to invite my neighbour to which it became immediately obvious only certain people were welcome in this group. My comment was met with 'she's only your neighbour though isn't she, not an actual friend'. They then suggested she had a mild learning disability.

I think my neighbour is right. They only want professional class friends.

I dont know what to do now. Would I be unreasonable to stay friends with the group? Or would doing so when they seem a little snobby be wrong? I don't know if it's just wanting friends with similar interests and life experiences or genuine snobbery.

OP posts:
zeezeek · 22/05/2017 22:40

There is nothing wrong with being part of a group,of friends who all have something in common. I have a group friends who all do a similar level job to me. They are people I feel comfortable being with, talking to and we share similar views. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who has a different outlook on life, who doesn't understand the pressures of a senior job etc. Doesn't make me, or my friends, a bitch.

KERALA1 · 22/05/2017 22:41

It's tricky though. Obviously the learning difficulty comment is unpleasant but is it wrong to spend time with like minded people you click with? Or are we all duty bound to spend our precious spare time with people who don't have many friends, or who want to spend time with you even though you don't particularly enjoy spending time with them?

See threads on here dripping with disgust about "cliques". Is it wrong to have people you see regularly and like or do we all have to invite everyone to everything?

Squishedstrawberry4 · 22/05/2017 22:43

I would probably sit quiet and make my own mind up about it further down the line when I had a stronger feel for things.

It might be that your neighbour doesn't click with the group. Might be nothing to do with professionalism, just chemistry. The SEN statement is irrelevant unless they were being mean.

ShastaBeast · 22/05/2017 22:45

Loads of people are snobby in the sense they like to have people around them who are fairly similar and safe - that's why we found ourselves in echo chambers at the brexit vote. It's not great but it's natural. The learning disability comment isn't excusable however. I know I'm probably judged negatively at our middle class school. My husband is more acceptable but ironically he's the one with the learning difficulties, he's also a professional.

Teabagtits · 22/05/2017 22:53

It sounds a lot like where I live only im the scummy mummy. I'm not part of a clique and wouldn't want to be either. I don't see anything wrong with remaining friends with the "snobs" if you like them but also planning separate activities and hanging out with other mums too. I would call anyone out on inappropriate comments and malicious gossip tho and it doesn't sound as if you did anything like that OP.

I'm happy and confident enough in myself that I don't need school gates mummy friends or a clique to hang out with and I know for a fact that intimidates 'alpha mum' in the playground (they can't help but talk about each other too) The tattoos probably don't help... they can judge all they want, I don't care. If however someone was gossiping about my disability I'd go apeshit in a ridiculously erudite way, see how they liked that. Ok I made this about me. Sorry

Gwenhwyfar · 22/05/2017 22:55

"gwen my parents and my upbringing are/were middle class. I am now most definitely working class, so it does happen."

I didn't say people never move class did I, but I was answering the comment that said this has nothing to do with class, which is clearly rubbish.

Original poster
user1495366815 · 22/05/2017 22:57

Nope. Couldn't care less if they all decided to end contact. I've other friends.

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 22/05/2017 23:00

No you haven't done anything wrong. I'm not convinced these women have done either. Keep digging.

I have to say, there is something about what you are saying about the neighbour which doesn't sit right. Primarily that you don't say you are particular friends, yet she is telling you that you are the only person she has told about her LD. Yet this is clearly not true as other people know. Plus why on earth would she tell you when you're just an acquaintance? Do these other women know because at one point they were vaguely friendly towards her and she told them too? And why would she just launch into a character assassination of them to you?

I just get a feeling if you dig there will be a big back story and it might not reflect well on your neighbour.

Original poster
user1495366815 · 22/05/2017 23:05

I've known my neighbour since I moved to the area.

Yeah it seems there may be a long standing feud between them.

OP posts:
anon1987 · 22/05/2017 23:52

Yuck they sound vile.

Professional what?what does professional mean at the end of the day?
A job is a job and everyone that works, is needed in society, so I cannot stand people that think they are better because they're a 'professional' even a sahm or a women caring for her elderly mother is needed!
I know a few 'professionals' but really their jobs are pretty pointless and don't actually help anyone other then to make money for their boss.
As for the 'mild learning difficulty' comment
What nasty arse holes they are.

I'd stay well clear and I'm a 'professional'

Madwoman5 · 22/05/2017 23:55

Wow. Why are you asking...you know the answer
What would happen if one of them lost their job?

Catherinebee85 · 23/05/2017 00:02

The whole group is being judged on this one woman's vile comment though. I think as long as this isn't your only social group there's no need to cease all contact. Why make your life awkward because of one persons awful behaviour?

Just make sure you're just as friendly with others as you are with this group. I'd especially look out for others that look lonely/isolated. I'm quite sensitive and I think feeling excluded would really get to me in this context.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 23/05/2017 00:07

Look you only have your neighbours opinion so far. Leave it until you have a proper understanding of how these people are. They might actually be nice and your neighbour not. Until you are sure, just hang in there.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 23/05/2017 08:50

Valentine2 it's the first Christmas card from the same house that has blanked me for years. I think he's a bit of a sexist pig snobby because my Ex was over doing my gardens once and he had a full blown conversation with him, the minute I bought the ex a drink out he clamped up, because 'wimmin innit'. His wife is lovely and always says hello to me but I've obviously done something to him in a past life im not yet aware of Grin he even signed his name to this Christmas card which shocked me even more in a nice way!

OP, I think it's a difficult one because if you get on with them then carry on, they're obviously your sort of people if you get on well; but it doesn't mean you cant be friends with your neighbour. Maybe keep the two friendships separate?

eddielizzard · 23/05/2017 09:16

i wouldn't judge them all based on the one mum's comment.

but also i wouldn't try to fix your neighbour's social life either. invite your neighbour round for a coffee, be friendly to her, tell her about things that are happening where anyone can go along, but she also needs to find her own way.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 23/05/2017 09:25

If you get the feeling these women aren't very nice, I would gently start backing off and make some new friends. The fact that they were gossiping about your neighbour having a learning difficulty speaks volumes.

Thinkingofausername1 · 23/05/2017 10:06

They sound like my old nct group.
They never wanted to meet at mine because I lived on an ex council estate and didn't have a modern kitchen or 4x4.
I decided they weren't worth the stress or the time spent talking over me or ignoring me

WhereIsTheLikeButton · 23/05/2017 10:11

No it wouldn't be unreasonable for you to leave this "group" they sound like a horrible bunch of people.

FlyingElbows · 23/05/2017 10:47

What you're experiencing, op, is the very true fact that mean girls never grow up, they just get older. Whether you stay in their gang is purely between you and the mirror.

HorridHenryrule · 23/05/2017 12:50

Its called a fake friendship group and only one person seems to speak their mind. If someone in that group had a disabled child they would have spoken up. I wonder what they think of x person when they are away and with other people. Some people can't cope on their own and they would rather be with bigots than on their own.

I hate two faced people and she had no right telling you your neighbour has a disability. They obviously look down on her they would have had more to say about her if there was a feud. They don't come across as the holding back type.

HorridHenryrule · 23/05/2017 12:52

What you're experiencing, op, is the very true fact that mean girls never grow up, they just get older.

The plastics

HorridHenryrule · 23/05/2017 12:58

Yeah it seems there may be a long standing feud between them.

What a shit excuse for poor behaviour if thats what you think. At least your neighbour can see who they really are and she's not that desperate for friendships.

TakeThatFuckingDressOffNow · 23/05/2017 18:49

I would avoid them like the plague..... You can distance yourself from them without too much upset. They have very clearly shown you their true colours. It won't do you any good to spend time with people like that. Like you said you have proper friends, who I assume are decent, lovely folk.

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 23/05/2017 19:01

I was getting friendly with a group of mums in my area. Then one of them starting going on about bloody immigrants coming over here and taking all our benefits whilst a few of them seemed to nod in agreement...I made my excuses and I haven't been back.

TooFew · 23/05/2017 20:53

Maybe I'm being to critical...but ok let's say you were too shocked to come back to the comment about your neighbour immediately. You've since had time to evaluate and instead of deciding they're arseholes (even if the others didnt make the comment they supported it by keeping quiet) you're asking for help in deciding if you should be friends with them?! Surely it's a no brainer?!