Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Ive accidentally ended up in a snobby clique

102 replies

user1495366815 · 22/05/2017 20:41

My son has just started at a new school. The moment I arrived I was welcomed by the school mums, immediately added to their Facebook group and invited to all their get togethers. I've been having great fun. There's a group of 6 of us and we are all professionals.

I never thought anything of it until I bumped into my neighbour while early to pick my son up.

She has been trying to make friends in the local area for years and told me she has never once been invited to any of this groups meet ups and when she tried to talk to them they only talk briefly.

She says they only make friends with people withprofessional jobs and who they consider of their standard.

I didn't actually believe this so when I saw the group again I said I was going to invite my neighbour to which it became immediately obvious only certain people were welcome in this group. My comment was met with 'she's only your neighbour though isn't she, not an actual friend'. They then suggested she had a mild learning disability.

I think my neighbour is right. They only want professional class friends.

I dont know what to do now. Would I be unreasonable to stay friends with the group? Or would doing so when they seem a little snobby be wrong? I don't know if it's just wanting friends with similar interests and life experiences or genuine snobbery.

OP posts:

UrsulaPandress · 22/05/2017 21:04

This sort of happened to me. I was accepted into the cool mum group as the oddball horse owner (could be old money - I'm not). End of year meal organised, I was invited, but I extended the invitation to some other mums who were not cool and some were even a different race. Shock horror! You wouldn't believe the shuffling of seats and tables when I turned up with my mates. I never was invited to anything again.

MaisyPops · 22/05/2017 21:05

Snobby and having friendships with people you have in common are different things.
Most of my friends are professionals because I met them through uni where we were all training or through friends from work etc. I reckon about 80% of my friends would be described as professional.

If these women are nice enough (ignoring the woman you don't seem keen on in the group for her awful comment), I'd keep them as friends and be nice to you neighbour.

Just because they aren't friends with the neighbour and don't want to be doesn't mean you can't be.

junglebookisthebest · 22/05/2017 21:10

In the first post you say that you mentioned it to the group and that 'they' said she wasn't a friend and just a neighbour - so it sounds like more than one is not keen on including the neighbour and that even if just one mentioned the horrific 'learning disabilities' comment that no one else picked her up on it.
Then in your second comment you are trying to say that it's just one that makes the comments and that the rest might be nice - but thats not the case though is it - none of them was prepared to disagree with the speaker, and it sounds like neither did you.
I think your conscience is pricking you because you know it's horrible behaviour. But you want to brush it under the carpet and carry on as before because otherwise you have to face some uncomfortable facts that they are not nice people and that you might lose this 'group' which you enjoy and gives you a certain level of support.
It's actually a simple choice - stay and ignore the behaviour and be part of it, nice and easy and with time you will stop noticing your conscience or do the harder but morally better this which is to call them out on it and if they won't stop then step away. Who knows when they might turn on you for whatever spurious reason that they feel makes you unsuitable for their clique.

Brogadoccio · 22/05/2017 21:12

I think slow slow retreat. Do and say what feels right to you.

There are mums at my children's school who just will not extend any friendliness to a single mum and yet they're friends of closer friends of mine who wouldn't and don't believe that it's this simple. I don't care anymore. I did used to care though.

OCSockOrphanage · 22/05/2017 21:14

Sticking my neck on the line, I think it's reasonable to segment them into two groups: one of like-minded professionals whose husbands may also get on in social situations, and another of people you just LIKE, because they make you laugh stupidly, or are keen on astro-physics.

MeeWhoo · 22/05/2017 21:17

Why don't you organise something, invite your neighbour and also invite this group and tell them the neighbour is coming too?

Their reaction to the invitation and behaviour towards your neighbour on the day, should they turn up, should tell you all about whether they are good friendship material or not.

Ackvavit · 22/05/2017 21:23

I have no time for 'cliques'. They all think they are inclusive and friendly but they aren't. Got my fingers badly burnt being really inclusive when my brother remarried recently. She's a divorcee with children, he is childless. New sister in law mentioned ' the clique' in reference to her group of friends. I didn't really take it on board. After a while I've realised it's a group of 40'year old women who think they are so cool they don't realise others of us also have a life. Playgrounds are a nightmare.

diddl · 22/05/2017 21:25

What do you think of your neighbour?

Is it likely that none of the group like her at all?

angryladyboobs · 22/05/2017 21:27

Toyed confusing the word professionals, with the word arseholes.

Your new mates are dickheads and you know it. Staying in that group means you're included.

ballerinabelle · 22/05/2017 21:29

It's fair enough that you "accidentally" fell in with this clique. That doesn't make you a bar person. Don't "accidentally" keep hanging about with them. That does make you a bit of a dick. Despite the fact that one person made the comment, the rest of them sat back and accepted it. That's bullying too. Don't be a part of it because before you know it you'll be seen as one of them

SallyGinnamon · 22/05/2017 21:29

Not kind to be derogatory about your neighbour.

However it's not unusual to be friends with people you have something in common with. And to choose to not spend time with people you've nothing in common with.

Do you like them? Do you have fun? Then enjoy. You can also be friends with your neighbour if you want to. Just don't try to mix them.

diddl · 22/05/2017 21:32

I wouldn't be interested in being friends with the one who made the comment.

What about the others-is it all or nothing?

TooFew · 22/05/2017 21:34

If you disputed their vile comment about your neighbour then you wouldn't be asking this question. So seems you fit in rather well.

HorridHenryrule · 22/05/2017 21:34

I would make a point and only talk and go out with the people you like. The word isn't snobby its ignorant they don't sound open minded at all. I hope they are not nurses or doctors I will move else where you have to be caring to work in those professions.

BastardBloodAndSand · 22/05/2017 21:37

What's wrong with being friends with someone who has a learning disability ??

Many people who have learning difficulties end up very isolated, having seen this first hand I'd actually go out of my way to at least try and be kind to someone I knew was vulnerable and isolated having know so many who.end up living pitifully lonely and miserable adulthoods

Gwenhwyfar · 22/05/2017 21:42

"I'm not sure snobby equates to the same thing as rating professionals over non-professionals. "

Of course it is,

"Snobby is about class and upbringing isn't it."

Um, yeah. Your class is based on what kind of job you do. What job your parents did comes into it, but we don't have that much social mobility in this country so those with professional parents are more likely to get the professional jobs themselves.

RosaDeZoett · 22/05/2017 21:44

Would you still be welcome in the group if you lost your job? I do understand that friendships form because of shared interests and common values.... But tbh I would probably be really suspicious of people who included me in their group so readily without getting to know me! I'm a professional, but I don't presume to have anything else in common whatsoever with other mothers who are professionals. Real friendships form more organically in my experience. The remark about your neighbour is incredibly mean and childish.

Valentine2 · 22/05/2017 21:46

This might out me. I totally understand this "professional women only" clique. When I moved to be close to my work, the new area was very good and I tried to make friends. I must add I am very bad at dressing when not dressing for work. I basically just grab whatever I see, put it on and get out so long as it's all clean. I was off work due to my new baby.
I had some rough time making friends, getting people to respond politely etc. It took some of my neighbours some time to figure it out. when they received my parcels for me. Once back to work and seen dressed accordingly, it was another story.
Then I faced reverse snobbery. a couple of people stopped replying to texts etc. after I insisted a lot, I found that the ones who were stay at home mums, were worried that I might not want to stay friendly now that I am back at work! And that I might consider it bad for my kids to mix with them now that I have cooler friends round the neighbourhood!
i sometimes wonder what goes through people's minds.

user1495388403 · 22/05/2017 21:49

What do you all do? I've never really understood what constitutes a professional job.

DarkDarkNight · 22/05/2017 21:50

I wouldn't want to be friends with them, I had enough of that shit at school. If you want to continue to be friends I would make sure you are friendly with other people at the school gates. Don't let them isolate you otherwise when the clique turns as they inevitably do you haven't burned your bridges with anybody else.

The 'professional' thing is pathetic.

chitofftheshovel · 22/05/2017 21:52

gwen my parents and my upbringing are/were middle class. I am now most definitely working class, so it does happen.

OP, if you are having fun then great, but do consider whether these are good time friends. If there was a crisis would they be on hand to help? That, to me, is the sign of true friendship.

Valentine2 · 22/05/2017 21:52

Me neither. All I have ever wanted is to have some nice people around me who have great hearts and are good human beings. Why do you have to be a professional to be that? Why would a stay at home mum won't have as good a heart as a professional one, whatever that is any way.

Cwandri · 22/05/2017 21:52

I guess people like to seek out their own kind. They want to be with their tribe. I guess it is inevitable that people choose who they want to be friends with.

it is a shame not to be open minded though as other people who are different could end up being good friends.

I find quiet shiy people difficult to befriend. I find the silences uncomfortable and I just find it weird that people aren't chatty and outgoing and forthcoming because it is so the opposite of me. I have tried to make the effort with people like that but when You don't get much back it can be demoralising.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 22/05/2017 21:53

I think my neighbour is right. They only want professional class friends.

The comment about her having a learning disability makes the snobby clique sound horrid.

OP yes groups like this do exist, I got phased ostracised out of a church once when they realised I was too poor for their circles and didnt have a professional job. Having a massive mental health breakdown smack in the middle of things didnt help matters either

OP. It you're that good friends with them couldn't you just tell them that the LD comment was uncalled for in the first place?

bigmack · 22/05/2017 21:54

You are just as ridiculous as they are - after all you made the comment about the group all being 'professionals.'

Flip

1 2 3 4 5