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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ive accidentally ended up in a snobby clique

102 replies

user1495366815 · 22/05/2017 20:41

My son has just started at a new school. The moment I arrived I was welcomed by the school mums, immediately added to their Facebook group and invited to all their get togethers. I've been having great fun. There's a group of 6 of us and we are all professionals.

I never thought anything of it until I bumped into my neighbour while early to pick my son up.

She has been trying to make friends in the local area for years and told me she has never once been invited to any of this groups meet ups and when she tried to talk to them they only talk briefly.

She says they only make friends with people withprofessional jobs and who they consider of their standard.

I didn't actually believe this so when I saw the group again I said I was going to invite my neighbour to which it became immediately obvious only certain people were welcome in this group. My comment was met with 'she's only your neighbour though isn't she, not an actual friend'. They then suggested she had a mild learning disability.

I think my neighbour is right. They only want professional class friends.

I dont know what to do now. Would I be unreasonable to stay friends with the group? Or would doing so when they seem a little snobby be wrong? I don't know if it's just wanting friends with similar interests and life experiences or genuine snobbery.

OP posts:
BeeThirtythree · 22/05/2017 21:54

If this was a your/a child, making friends with a group that only liked child based on where he lived. Then group make a nasty offensive comment about another child...' You can't sit with us'!
I would not want my child spending time with these 'fake' children!

Leave the 'plastics' and get to know the neighbour...like she said, it's difficult for her to make friends and she has tried.

Ok, maybe Mean Girls and Clueless are by reference but look what happened in them... LTP (leave the professionals)

bigmack · 22/05/2017 21:56

You all sound a bit dim to be honest op.
Are you sure you actually are 'professionals?'

228agreenend · 22/05/2017 21:57

I think if you enjoy their company, then carry on being friends. It's nice to be welcomed and included. Just because your neighbour doesn't fit in, it doesn't mean you can't be friends. Just don't mix the two friendship groups.

was the learning disability comment said as a criticism or observation? Maybe if they mention it again, challenge them.

RosaDeZoett · 22/05/2017 21:57

Lol Valentine, keep 'em guessing I say. When not working(but busy with animals) I have been known to do the drop off in tracksuit bottoms and wellies.... BlushI got a few looks that day! (also have probably just outed myself.... waves to sister )

NicolasFlamel · 22/05/2017 21:57

Its sounds like you fit in rather well and find the exclusivity flattering in spite of them being a bitchy clique Sad you shouldn't need to ask really. They sound pants.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 22/05/2017 21:58

As soon as they made the learning difficulties comment I would have told them not to be cockwombles and left.

The fact that you didn't suggests that maybe you fit in well with them.

Original poster
user1495366815 · 22/05/2017 21:59

A lot of negative judgements made about me based on nothing.

Education wouldn't even feature on my radar when choosing who to be friends with. I literally wouldn't even notice it and have friends from all walks of life.

OP posts:
AwaywiththePixies27 · 22/05/2017 21:59

Why would a stay at home mum won't have as good a heart as a professional one, whatever that is any way

I agree completely. But subconsciousness makes us do this without realising. Its why the staff at DCs last school would always have time for the professional who walked in to their yard in uniform, even though they'd finished hours before; and why the nurse was fawning all over the suited and booted man in fracture clinic despite the fact she was meant to be seeing to DD first (not an emergency thing - waiting for her boot fixing thing).

I have a range of friends from SAHMs to working professionals. I treat everyone of them the same.

BillSykesDog · 22/05/2017 22:01

Hmm. You may be right, but I also think it's pretty unpleasant to absolutely write off a group of friends based on tittle tattle from one person.

You really don't know the background to this situation, and what's pinging my radar is, I think the way your neighbour brought up the situation was very odd. I don't understand why bumping in to your neighbour would suddenly precipitate her slagging off her friends to you. You also say she has been 'trying to make friends in the area for years'. Really? With no success? For years? Do you think there might be a reason for that? Could they even not be keen on her as she knows they will bad mouth them as snobs at the drop of a hat?

Before you drop them, I would try and dig a little deeper in the group to see if there is some sort of backstory. The woman with who mentioned the LD may have brought it up because she thought it was relevant. It is possible that if she does have a mild learning difficulty she has problems reading social cues and reacting appropriately and this really can cause issues sometimes.

Putting it hypothetically, but using a situation I've experienced: sometimes people with MLD can fail to read cues like somebody being reluctant to talk, wanting to end a conversation or not wanting to talk about certain things. I know somebody (a mother at school funnily enough) who is like this. A lot of people keep her very much at arms length and you have to be firm to the point of rudeness with her because she will delay you for ages when you're clearly in a rush to get to work, hold you up despite having clearly starving children desperate to get home or quite loudly ask you about inappropriate personal things in crowded places. But most relevantly here, she has no sense of professional boundaries. If she sees her doctor in a restaurant with their family she will march over and ask questions about her i growing toenail. If she sees a teacher shopping in the supermarket she will expect an in depth update on her child's progress. If she sees the secretary of a SS dept at the council she will march over to complain about the parking ticket they gave her and expect them to do something.

I'm not saying this is happening here, it's just my own experience. But what I'm trying to say is look a little deeper before jumping to conclusions. You only have one side of the story so far.

Original poster
user1495366815 · 22/05/2017 22:01

I was just shocked! Too shocked to say anything at the time. I was stunned.

The neighbour does actually have a mild learning disability so it is true. But it is very mild. I didn't even know until she told me. She says I'm the only person she has told.

OP posts:
CookingDinner · 22/05/2017 22:02

The only alternative explanation I can think of is that there has been some kind of incident/falling out/misunderstanding between your neighbour and these girls, that you are unaware of. I wonder if they would have the same attitude towards others they think are of a lower social class?

If nothing has occurred then they are not very nice people. You don;t need to fall out with them - you could just become less available and find alternative friends in the meantime.

chipmonkey · 22/05/2017 22:03

I knew loads of my neighbours and socialised with them for ages without knowing what any of them did for a living. What would happen if you lost your job? Would they still want to be friends? It could be that Bitchy McBitchface who made the learning difficulties comment is the queen bee and they all pander to her. But that's enabling her and doesn't make them much better. I would be inclined to slowly back away from this group.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 22/05/2017 22:05

You also say she has been 'trying to make friends in the area for years'. Really? With no success? For years? Do you think there might be a reason for that? Could they even not be keen on her as she knows they will bad mouth them as snobs at the drop of a hat?

I dont know. I've lived here years now. Neighbours have regular parties dont get me started, DCs always playing out, and only one house this side has ever invited DCs to go and play once. I've never been invited to the parties. Not that I'd go if offered anyway. Not done much to offend most of them, well apart from existing anyway.

I did get my first christmas card in six years off one neighbour who still hasn't uttered a word to me so I'll call that progress. Grin

CookingDinner · 22/05/2017 22:09

Reading your last post......as your neighbour does have a mild learning disability, it is highly likely that the girls are repeating information that they have heard. It's too co-incidental. Your neighbour says she hasn't told anyone, but I bet someone knows and has talked about it.

They are being judgemental and ignorant, but people generally are about things they don't know much about unfortunately. Perhaps remain observant and see what their attitudes are towards other people who are not like them, before deciding whether you want to continue to be friends with them. I would continue to talk about your friend in a positive way in their company as well.

AyeAmarok · 22/05/2017 22:09

Isn't everyone a "professional" these days.

Everyone thinks they are, anyway.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 22/05/2017 22:12

BillSykesDog has a point

You are friends with a group of just six mums. Presumably there are many other mums at the school. Whether these six are nice or not to your neighbour, they are not the sole reason she has no friends after three years of trying. There must be something else going on here.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/05/2017 22:12

They sound absolutely awful op! I woukd not like to be part of a group like that. there is a group like in my sons primary school, if your face does not fit, your not in. I just shrug my shoulders and get on with my day. I am lucky I have some really good friends.

Valentine2 · 22/05/2017 22:15

I did get my first christmas card in six years off one neighbour who still hasn't uttered a word to me so I'll call that progress.
That's disgusting!

Cuppaoftea · 22/05/2017 22:16

So your neighbour opened up to you about finding it hard to make friends and her learning disability and yet when a member of your clique used it as a reason not to invite her you said nothing?

Really shitty behaviour on your part and I hope your neighbour doesn't get wind of it or that will be a further knock to her confidence Sad

LucieLucie · 22/05/2017 22:26

Look after number 1 op. You said you have been having a great time with this group of Mums, why would you jeopardise it for the sake of adding a possible Wendy?

You can have separate friendship groups, be friendly with your neighbour and socialise with her if you wish but you can't foist her onto a group who have formed a friendship group based on profession/things in common.

Would she do it for you?

allthingslipsticks · 22/05/2017 22:27

Even if it were true, can't people with "mild learning disablities" have friends too ffs??

God, they are a nasty bunch. Lose them OP and as previously suggested by another poster, start a group with your neighbour.

The very fact that you are questioning their behaviour says it all really. You know deep down they are not nice people at all.

Original poster
user1495366815 · 22/05/2017 22:28

I've done nothing wrong. Literally nothing and I have the confidence to truly believe that.

Not everyone acts perfectly when shocked by bad behaviour.

I am going to see what the other women in th group are like. See if it's just one bad egg or they're all like that.

OP posts:
ThomasRichard · 22/05/2017 22:31

I'd just keep an eye on it and see whether further things happen to make you feel uncomfortable, like with any other relatively need friendship group. The witch-hunting on this thread is ridiculous Hmm

Algebraic · 22/05/2017 22:32

It's a bit nasty to suggest she has a learning disability. However...... some people want to be surrounded with people they consider on their level, so to speak. I think as an adult you have don't have to be friends with everyone, it's not school. But now you need to decide if you feel they are snobby and nasty and if you're comfortable with that.

Cuppaoftea · 22/05/2017 22:35

Op I get the sense you didn't say anything because you realised they would likely freeze you out if you did. Otherwise why post about it on here if you're so sure your conscience is clear?

You clearly want to stay 'in' with your clique and are prepared to go along with some pretty nasty stuff to do so. Just don't pretend to be a better friend to your neighbour than you are or invite any more confidences from her.